


First Impressions (Perhaps I Was Wrong)

by Ablissa



Series: First Impressions [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chaptered, College, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Pining, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Students
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:36:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 109,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5510432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ablissa/pseuds/Ablissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester goes back to university for his third year, expecting to live in the dorms with his childhood best friend PJ. That's how it's been for the past years, after all. However, due to a mistake of some sort, he finds himself with a new roommate to spend the semester with.<br/>Daniel Howell, three years his junior, has rich brown eyes, a laptop to hide them behind, and not more than two words to spare in Phil's direction. Phil is no fortune teller, but he foresees the upcoming months will be filled with a whole lot of awkward silence.</p><p>Unless, of course, Dan proves him wrong...<br/>Could one little mistake lead to something entirely life-changing? Perhaps it could. After all, nearly everything changes when Phil meets Dan.</p><p>-<br/>Excerpt: <i>Dan's hair is soft against Phil's cheek, and his presence - gentle against his heart.</i><br/><b>Winner of Best Slow Burn in the Phanfic Awards 2016!</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Handful

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Let's see how this goes. Expect a looot of fluff and be warned - I'm a big fan of slow burn, so you'll probably hate me sometime down the road... But I promise it'll be worth it!
> 
> * Updates/teasers/etc for this fic and my other works can be found on my tumblr: [phanbliss.tumblr.com](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com) \- feel free to come and chat :)  
> * Russian translation in progress by **dontyouknow** found here: <https://ficbook.net/readfic/5572561>  
>  * Fic playlist - ["From: Phil, For: Dan"](http://8tracks.com/ablissa/from-phil-for-dan)  
> * Beautiful art for this fic, made by the very talented [**mayuluh**](http://mayuluh.tumblr.com/) \- [here](http://mayuluh.tumblr.com/post/145349378934/read-phanbliss-fic-first-impressions-and) and [here](http://mayuluh.tumblr.com/post/145499694204/phanblisss-fic-first-impressions-just-finished)!! Thank you so much!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I am by no means implying to have any knowledge as to the real relationship between Dan and Phil, Chris, PJ or Louise. This is a work of fiction.

"I apologize, there must have been a mix up of some sort."

His head is spinning. He's barely slept last night.

He got caught in the rain on the way here. He'd nearly lost all his luggage and had to chase the bus he left it in. He slept in and hasn't been able to eat anything all day.

His ex-boyfriend is getting married in two months, at twenty-two years of age.

Not that he cares, but -

But it _has_ been a long week.

 

Words echo in his head, distorted, nonsensical. He latches on to what he understands and repeats, slowly, word after word.

"What do you mean, _a mix-up?_ "

Honestly, he should have been used to it by now. Mix ups and mess ups and giddy ups - no, wait, perhaps not _those_ , but the first two ones yeah - those things happen to him on a daily basis. There's no reason why something wouldn't go wrong today too.

In his mind, Phil is already scripting his next video touching on this subject.

"I'm really sorry, Mr. Lester, but it appears that we have wrongly placed you in a room with a first year student."

Phil's stare is blank and he finds that keeping his eyes on the lady behind the counter becomes a struggle. She's in her forties, he estimates, plump but not overly so, blue-eyed, apologetic. Dark roots emerge from her scalp, an inch later turning into a platinum blonde. She's wearing a brown dress that melts into the wood-covered walls behind her, creating the illusion of her being just a floating, curly-haired head.

Normally, that thought would be the slightest bit amusing. Right now, it is not.

 

He takes a deep breath and protests, keeping his voice neutral and polite.

"That can't be right. My friend and I have been sharing since we started here. PJ Liguori is his name, please look it up."

He's asked to spell PJ's name out for her, which he does. If there is one upside to this, it's that his drowsiness is slowly dissipating - replaced by the urgent, racing beat of his heart.

The woman behind the counter - the tag on her shirt says _Eleanor Willis, Junior Secretary, King's College London_ \- frowns and shakes her head ever so slightly.

"No, I'm sorry, Mr... Mr. _Leagorey_ is assigned to another room."

This is the third apology he hears, but it doesn't settle him down in the least.

"Surely we can just swap, right? So that I can be with PJ and this first year student changes rooms?"

Her face grows stern at this and Phil immediately shrinks back.

"Actually, this student has already lived here throughout the summer, so I'm afraid that's not possible. We'd hate to disrupt the life of a person that has just settled in; surely you understand."

Something inside Phil is screaming _it's you lot who messed up_ , but he does not say it out loud.

"What about the guy PJ is paired up with?" he tries, "Can't he move in with my roommate? I'm on my third year and this has never been a problem..."

"We don't permit mid-term changes without explicit reasons."

Phil lets out an exasperated sigh, biting back a _is this not an explicit reason_ , weighing his options.

 

He lives in bloody Manchester; can't possibly make that work with studying in London, so that's out. Renting an actual flat in this city would cost him his entire lifesavings for one month, even with YouTube bringing a bit more money these days, so scratch that, too. He could crash at a friend's, but not for an entire term. He could try to rent out a room or try another dorm, but classes are starting tomorrow, and he's already paid for an entire year here at the King's College dorms.

"Is there really nothing you can do? I mean, it's not exactly _my_ fault," Phil finally utters in a level tone of voice, although a strain can clearly be seen in his eyes.

Eleanor's expression softens again, and she consoles, "It won't be all that bad, I assure you. I can email the accounting department and see if we can get you a partial refund. How does that sound?"

Anything involving money is music to the ears of a uni student, so he manages a smile and gives in. If it's really, really terrible - which it very well might be, knowing Phil's luck - he'll just be forced to think of other options. No point thinking of it now, soaked, standing in the hall with his luggage in hand.

He agrees to her solution, grabs the key and goes to take the lift to the seventh floor, only to hear Eleanor's _I'm sorry, the lifts are being renovated today_ follow him as he presses the unresponsive button.

Right, yeah, that's the life he's grown accustomed to after all. Not even the least bit surprised.

 

**~~~~~**

 

Seven floors and four recovery breaks later, Phil's dragging one foot after another until he reaches dorm room 717. There's a little plaque on the door revealing the names of the students who live there, as well as which year they're on. He eyes the thing with a degree of trepidation.

 

_Daniel Howell, Year 1_

_Philip Lester, Year 3_

Daniel Howell. Obviously, he's never heard of the guy, but _Daniel_ could be the nicest person on the planet and Phil would still fear the upcoming days. It's new and thus, to Phil, it is terrifying.

Yeah, so maybe Phil doesn't often try new things. He's lived with his parents, then shared with his childhood best friend, PJ. Even that took some time getting used to, and PJ is possibly one of the most patient, calmest people on the face of the Earth.

He frowns as he wonders if PJ's heard about this whole situation. He'll have to call him later.

Phil steels himself for the upcoming ordeal. What does he do? Does he knock? Is Daniel there, or perhaps he's gone out?

Before his mind is all made up on the subject, there's a voice calling from behind the door, startling the everloving fluff out of him.

"Come in already, will you? I can hear you shuffling out the door."

"Er, right, yes," he calls back uncertainly and slowly opens the door, revealing a room that is much too tiny for two people who have never once met in their life.

 

His eyes drift past the unreasonably cheap furniture (he's paying a few hundred quid a month for _this?_ ), clothes scattered all over the floor, an empty cola bottle somewhere in the corner; it was probably aimed at the trash, but landed way far off. He's seen worse messes in his very own room, he's not too bothered by this.

He looks past the two identical desks, one wardrobe and one very small bed that hasn't been slept in.

Phil pauses when he looks at the other bed, or rather, at the person who rests on it.

Hard to tell if he's tall as he's sitting on the bed, but his legs are sprawled out and his feet are hanging off the edge. He's propped himself up with a pillow, and a laptop rests on his flat stomach. He's not skinny, but Phil wouldn't call him muscular either. His clothing is remarkably black with no traces of color, and Phil wonders if he's one of the last remaining scene kids.

Brown hair, slightly curled at the edges, falling close to his eyes - eyes of which Phil can't tell the colour, because the boy does not look up at him; eyes planted firmly on the screen of his laptop. Daniel does not even twitch upon the arrival of his new roommate.

Phil tends to give people the benefit of doubt though, so he musters up all the cheer he's got left after this wonderful day, drags his suitcase inside and smiles amiably at nothing in particular (since the laptop remains far more interesting still).

"Hey! You're Daniel, right? Nice to meet you, I'm-"

"I'm not Daniel," his new roommate responds in a flat tone, pulling Phil into a state of confusion. Have there been even more mix-ups? He wouldn't put it past his own luck. But before Phil gets to say anything else, the boy adds, "I'm _Dan_."

"Dan Howell, yeah?" Phil confirms, just in case.

"Last time I checked, yeah."

Dan doesn't bother to look up yet, and the only motion Phil's spotted from him is that of scrolling down on his laptop.

As of right now, he doesn't foresee the two of them becoming great friends.

"Right. I'm Phil Lester. I'm on my third year, hope that's alright."

"Why wouldn't it be?" Dan asks absently and then mutters, "Fuck, the wi-fi is down again..."

Phil chuckles. The past years have been a disaster in terms of wi-fi in the dorms, so he's got his own 3G modem last year.

"You can use my modem, if you like. I've just got to unpack," he offers, and for the first time, the boy looks up. Phil must've found the sweet spot.

His eyes are brown, albeit a darker shade than his hair. He's got a quite defined nose and lips that are bigger than Phil's. Dark circles underneath the eyes bring a tired look to an otherwise very youthful face. There's a three year gap between the two of them, most likely, but Phil finds himself thinking this boy looks even younger.

When their eyes meet, Dan appears to be taken aback. A moment passes where they both scan the other; it's a fleeting, passing thing that Phil doesn't hold on to as it leaves the two of them looking away, one back to the laptop, the other to his side of the room.

"I'm fine, thanks," Dan finally quips in response to his wi-fi suggestion.

"It's really no bother," Phil assures him.

"That's not why I said no, though."

Phil frowns at this, unsure of Dan's meaning and the hidden hostility in his voice. He'd better let it go, though. He's got things to unpack, schedules to check, phone calls to make.

And a very difficult term to live through...

 

**~~~~~**

 

Phil sets most of his stuff aside and leaves the room to call PJ in private. His friend is probably arriving at the dorm soon, and Phil would like to spare him the unpleasant surprise that he had to face earlier this day.

After three rings, he hears a _Hey Phil!_ accompanied by laughter in the background.

"Hey Peej, are you up in London yet?" he asks innocuously.

The laughter doesn't die down for a moment as his friend responds. "I actually just got to the dorm, yeah. Apparently we're not sharing this year?"

"No, seems not... Wait, you're already up here and you didn't ring me?" Phil asks, slight indignation seeping into his voice.

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that, I went up to my room first and my roommate is quite... chatty," Peej explains, "Come up and meet him. Bring your kid - I heard he's a first year student."

"Mine is anything _but_ chatty. He basically hasn't said a word to me since I came in. Think I'll pass on bringing him for now." Phil pauses, sighs, then asks, "Which room are you in?"

"729."

A small smile graces his face, brightening his features, because hey, they're not in the same room but at least they're on the same floor. And his start with Dan Howell makes him think that maybe he'd be better off spending most of his spare time over at PJ's; as long as Peej's roommate situation isn't far worse than his own.

 

As he makes his way through the hall, the laughter, joined by an unidentifiable sound, grows in volume until he finds the right room and knocks softly.

PJ opens up immediately, a huge smile on his face, and pulls Phil into a brotherly hug, patting his back. Phil happily returns the friendly gesture, but as he looks past Peej's shoulder, he's nothing short of surprised.

The laughter ceases, but not the strange noise that accompanied it and now Phil knows why - there's an adult man jumping on the bed, completely ignorant to - or simply not bothered by - the very disturbing sound the thing is making each time his feet land on the mattress. He seems rather tall, has probably the most _normal_ haircut out of the three of them, and a mad expression on his face.

"Hello there!" the man cries, "Welcome to the land of pleasure!"

Phil looks at PJ questioningly, assuming that he's got the advantage of knowing this guy for more than the twenty terrifying seconds he's had to go through so far. PJ shakes his head, meeting his look knowingly, but not without a smile.

"Phil, this is my new roommate. Apparently," PJ says, letting Phil inside and closing the door behind him. "His name's Chris Kendall. Chris, meet Phil Lester."

"Hey, nice to meet you," Phil says and waves, watching as Chris lands on the bed one final time and comes up to greet him. There's a handshake involved - a very strong one, he might add - and a huge grin that he reluctantly returns.

"G'day!" Chris exclaims, "PJ said you two were supposed to be sharing. Sorry to be spoilin' yer plans."

"Not really your fault," Phil responds, putting up his usual cheerful facade.

"You never know. Perhaps I wanted this gorgeous chap to myself." Chris winks at Peej, who sputters out a laugh, quickly followed by Phil.

"Phil, you wanna go down to the chip shop?" PJ asks much too quickly. Phil happily nods away and drags him out of the room, despite Chris' protests, which are only placated by the promise of bringing him some crisps.

 

"Holy guacamole," PJ exhales as they enter the lift and are definitely out of earshot, "This guy is a handful. Let's try and switch from next term, yeah? I was told we can't until then..."

Phil sighs and agrees, thinking of his very own new roommate. Hardly seems like a handful. Actually, from the very few moments he's spent interacting with Dan, he'd venture to say that the boy already hates him, considering he refuses to as much as look at him.

"You seemed to be having fun, at least," Phil mutters, "Dan's pretty much ignoring me."

"Kind of hard not to have fun around Chris, I think," PJ agrees with a smile, "But it's too early to say."

Phil realizes he might be unfair towards Dan, judging him too quickly based on their very short acquaintance. He's known the boy for all of thirty minutes, after all.

To break the ice, he picks up an extra can of coke and a bag of Maltesers as a peace offering. If he's supposed to live with him for the next - at the very least - six months, he'd rather make the guy hate him less rather than more.

 

**~~~~~**

 

Phil parts with PJ twenty minutes later, each going up to their respective rooms. He's still got to unpack, settle down, call his Mum to assure her that yes, he's still alive. All sorts of fun, exciting things are happening up in the Phil Lester household.

He'd also like to make a video, but he has no idea how that's supposed to work out with a stranger for a roommate - he knows from experience that explaining YouTube can get really awkward really fast.

Leaving that for later, he enters the room to find Dan exactly where he's left him - on the bed, on his laptop, not gracing him with a single look.

"Hey, I went down to the chip shop. Thought I'd buy you something too," he says. Dan frowns but doesn't acknowledge him otherwise; unluckily for the younger boy, Phil is determined to press on. "D'you like Maltesers?"

Phil considers himself lucky, for he seems to have found another sweet spot of Dan's - first the wi-fi, now the candy.

The boy looks up at him, eyes the bag in his hand warily, as if he brought in a grenade.

"Did you buy those for me?"

"Yeah, I wasn't sure what you'd like, but I got me some popcorn," he says cheerfully, undeterred, "So I got you whatever looked nice."

Dan eyes him for a few stray seconds before shrugging and saying, "Looks like you've just wasted three quid."

Phil loses his composure for a brief moment, but then asks politely, "Ah, you don't like them? We can trade, how about some popcorn?"

"I _do_ like them, actually."

Phil looks puzzled and says nothing, and after deeming the silence swiftly turning bothersome, he is rewarded with a look from Dan. The boy stares back with an unreadable expression, and at last he explains, "I don't know you."

Phil chuckles in disbelief. "And? It's just a bag of candy."

"It could be poisoned."

At this point, Phil half-expects Dan's poker face to turn into a smile. In fact, he'd love to see that; he's given plenty but received none, so far. However, no such thing happens. After a prolonged moment of eye contact, it is Phil who finally looks away.

"Right, well, if you'll want to try your luck, they're on your desk," he says.

He'll leave it, for now. He's not sure what to make of Dan and he hopes the following days will bring him some clarity on the subject.

He doesn't bother the boy for the rest of the day. He unpacks, calls his Mum to complain about the whole thing, sets up his laptop. Wishes to film, but can't, not with Dan around. Sends out a tweet: _New term! Not sharing with PJ this year. Feeling like a child that got lost in Tesco!_

Replies come pouring in right away and he answers some tweets, sets out a suit for tomorrow's opening ceremony, pads down the hall to shower and back.

Dan remains where he was, the only sound between them being the soft clicking of two keyboards as Phil gets in bed and goes on Tumblr. 

At least it's calm. He'd imagine that PJ's evening is much different from his own.

 

When it's time to sleep, he turns off his nightlight, but Dan does not do the same, too engrossed in whatever he's so busy with.

Phil can't, absolutely bloody _cannot_ sleep with the lights on. He's a full on darkness kind of person.

So after thirty fruitless minutes where sleep averted him at all costs, he quietly asks, "Could you turn off the light? I want to sleep."

Dan does so without a word. Phil falls asleep, head swimming with dark visions of the future where the person that lives with him refuses to even speak to him. In his dream, Dan jumps on his bed until Phil falls off straight into a dark abyss.

Phil has a vivid imagination.

 

**~~~~~**

 

When he wakes up seven or so hours later, the room is empty, his eyes are bleary, he would _die_ for a coffee and he just wants to go home, really, but that is not happening.

He casts a look upon Dan's desk, determined to take back the Malteasers and have them for breakfast just because of the dream, but all he finds is an empty wrapper on the carpet.

 _So he did take them in the end,_ he muses, unsure of what to think.

But then, he spots his own desk.

There's a new bag of popcorn there - he has _certainly_ eaten the one he'd bought himself - and a note, carelessly torn out of a textbook.

 

_thanks_

_if they were poisoned, burn my laptop_

That, right then, on that second morning, was the first  _caused by Dan Howell_ smile that Phil will store in his memory for years to come.


	2. It's Not You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your kudos and comments! I hope you will enjoy this chapter too. If Dan seems OOC, I promise you that it's temporary and will be explained in the story.  
> I assure you that fluff will start happening soon! Let me know what you think, it really motivates me! :)
> 
> Also, a sidenote: I have never attended university in the UK, nor have I ever lived in a dorm, so if something is drastically inaccurate, please feel free to correct me!

Phil's day flies by before he can even register it.

Reconnecting with people he hadn't seen over the summer, hanging out with PJ and his terrifying roommate Chris, trying to find a healthy option for lunch at the cafeteria and, unsurprisingly, settling for a pizza in the end. He was always quick to settle into a routine.

Phil knows this life, he's lived it before, but it's still new because of Dan.

He hasn't seen his roommate all day, but he supposes that's the way it is when living with a stranger. They're not exactly attached at the hip; Dan did leave him a note to thank for the Maltesers, but in all fairness, that was quite a contrast from how little they've interacted the previous night, so Phil does not pay it much mind.

His schedule for the first semester is pretty lax, he must say. He'll have some gaps in between classes during the day; that time could easily be used for filming, provided Dan is not around. Phil's got a lot of ideas scribbled down in a little red notebook that he always carries with him, but his most urgent one is certainly a "Back to Uni" kind of video, especially now that he's got something to talk about - sharing with a person who is not Peej.

 

With a mind full of ideas, when asked to go out to the pub with a couple of friends from uni, he politely says no. He'd imagine that his roommate won't be around yet, and Phil really wants that video filmed and edited while the topic is still current. In a week from now, everyone will have settled in, and the content will become less relatable. It's a fast paced life out there, and he tries his best to keep up.

As for his own settling in, he's still not sure if, and _when_ , that will be happening.

 

When he steps inside his dorm room and finds Dan in what seems to be his usual position on the bed, he's not quite as disappointed as he thought he'd be. Encouraged by the note from earlier, which he found amusing, he once more chooses to be friendly rather than quiet, even though Dan's eyes don't budge from his laptop.

"Hey," Phil says, shrugging off his red jacket and tossing it on the bed. "How was your day?"

It's polite enough, he supposes, and at the same time not a question that could breach any unspoken boundaries.

His roommate looks up, expression unfamiliar to Phil; then again, they all are, but still, Dan looks _odd_. Not exactly cold, but... Washed out, somehow. There are dark circles underneath his eyes, he looks pale and sulky. In simple terms, Phil would say that Dan must be a bit knackered.

"Just as I expected," Dan answers, which in truth, is more of an actual response than _Phil_ had expected to get.

Phil sits down on his own bed, but still faces Dan. The boy's stare follows him, seems to track his every move; if Phil is surprised by it, he tries his best not to let it show.

Phil finds himself taking proper note of the hue of Dan's eyes - a very rich, chocolatey brown, much different from his own mix of blue, green and gray. But really, the thing that affects him the most is the depth of the boy's gaze, the way it locks on to his and doesn't let go.

"And is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he prompts after an instant.

Dan's sigh is almost imperceptible, definitely inaudible, but Phil notices the way his slim shoulders twitch ever so slightly.

"Both, I s'pose," he dismisses, "What's it to you, though?"

Phil finds the boy a tad hard to keep up with, but he goes on anyway. "Just making conversation. You're stuck with me for the entire semester, we might as well speak sometimes."

"You don't know me. You can't possibly care about how my day has been."

Phil chuckles a little, which his housemate clearly frowns at.

"You're not very good at small talk, are you?"

Dan closes the lid of his laptop and grumbles, "I think it's pointless, 's all. People would be better off talking about stuff that actually _matters_."

"Matters to whom?" Phil asks without missing a beat. "You? Me? The entire population of China?"

Dan shrugs in response. "Anybody, really. It's like, do you actually care about what kind of mundane crap some person has done throughout the course of the day?" Before Phil gets to say that yes, he does, Dan answers for him, "You don't, Philip. Nobody does, not _really_."

"Phil," he corrects automatically; although he must admit that he is irrationally pleased with the fact that Dan even remembers his name. "And yeah, I do. 'sides, you're not some random bloke. You're my new roommate."

The boy on the other side of the room tilts his head slightly, as if caught off-guard. He regains his composure very quickly, however, and goes to say, "Right, you've still known me for what, 30 hours tops? Doesn't count."

"What's this _stuff that matters_ that you normally talk about, then?"

"Depends on the person."

"Pick one thing? For me, I mean. If it depends on the person."

Dan breaks their extended eyecontact and looks down to the carpeted, ugly floor. He then mumbles, "Your socks are over on my side of the room."

Phil's smile fades as he frowns, follows the boy's stare and indeed, finds two mismatched socks from the night before.

Right.

 

He leaps off the bed to collect them, stammers a _sorry_ and thinks that this conversation has not gone according to plan, and he didn't even _have_ a plan in the first place. He just wanted to get to know the boy a little, but he's already put him off, it seems. And not like it was difficult to do. And, bloody hell, when he lived with PJ there was no _my side of the room_.

Perhaps he should've gone to the pub after all.

When Phil's about to look away, he notes the way Dan's expression softens ever so slightly. And so he stays, he looks on, he waits.

"What's yours, then? One thing."

One thing that matters, Phil thinks. Getting through uni. Getting through this semester. Through this one day.

His family. YouTube, that's a thing, too. That's likely the thing that's most uniquely Phil of all of the above - something that usually sets him apart from others. He could say that. Strike up a proper chat, perhaps interest the boy.

"Muse," he blurts out before he really does mention YouTube. Don't want to say that. Should _not_ say that. "I really love their music."

Dan's eyes widen at this; the way the boy perks up is quite visible, and Phil breathes out an inward sigh of relief while simultaneously wondering why he feels so on edge, why he tries so hard to understand the workings of Dan's mind. It's not like he realistically _could_. As the boy himself says, he barely knows him.

And then, Dan smiles. It's not a big smile, but big enough to reveal a dimple in his left cheek, significant enough to light up his dark eyes, noticeable enough to make Phil feel stupidly proud.

"Really? I ask you to pick one thing that's important and you say _Muse_? When you've got things like, I dunno, global warming, space travel, retirement and trust funds?"

Phil's right back on this rollercoaster of an exchange and smirks in return. "Well, Dan, _you_ picked my socks."

His roommate's smile widens ever so slightly at this. "Touché."

The silence that then follows as they both turn their attention to their respective laptops, Phil still waiting for his own to even boot, is broken by Dan.

"Still not gonna ask you about your day, though. Don't think either of us _truly_ care."

Phil should feel offended, but somehow, he doesn't. His lips curve up in a subdued smile, followed by a brief glance at Dan and a short reply, "Not yet."

 

Dan's eyes linger in his general direction, he can feel it, but he doesn't look back.

 

**~~~~~**

 

 

Phil glances over his notes one final time before pushing _play_ on the camera and giving the thing his trademark smile.

"Hey guys! So, as you can probably tell from the change of scenery, I'm back at Uni for my third year of English Language and Linguistics. Exciting, right?" At this, he makes his best impression of a grumpy otter face and clarifies it as such, explaining that otters surely wouldn't enjoy having to go to class. "Last year I made a similar video staring - ugh, cut this one out," he grumbles, "Last year I made a similar video _stating_ that not much is different, compared to my first year. This time, _everything_ is different!"

He spreads his arms out wide to express "everything", making a shocked face at the camera.

"I'm sure you remember my friend PJ with whom I shared for the past two years. However, as things are never perfect and normal out here in Philville, some sort of a mistake had occurred and I now have a brand new roommate!"

He takes a deep breath and listens intently for a few seconds to make sure Dan isn't coming back, although he's not sure if being caught filming would change anything much at all.

Since their last exchange, the one with socks and Muse, Dan's been quite absent. He does come back in the evening to go to sleep, but for the past three days, Phil hasn't managed to squeeze any conversation out of the boy - he's always wearing headphones and ignoring Phil to the best of his abilities. Sometimes, he chuckles at the screen and then Phil can catch a glimpse of that seemingly rare Dan-smile that's only been bestowed on him once in their short acquaintance.

"He's a year one student, so I guess two or three years my junior. I can't tell you much about him, because -" he lowers his voice here, "I think he kinda _hates_ me."

Phil doesn't truly believe that, but he'd be the last person to accuse Dan of being fond of him, so there. Might as well.

"I gotta tell you, living with a complete stranger has been really weird!" he exclaims. "Even living with PJ was a little odd to begin with, but now, it's a whole new experience. My new roommate won't even speak to me, and when he does, he looks at me like I've just stomped on his favorite kitten." He ponders what he just said and then adds, "I, of course, have not harmed any kittens. In fact, I'd love to have one with me right now to be my friend and to cheer me up!"

He goes on to briefly recap what happened in the past week, including the lost luggage, Eleanor the secretary looking like a floating head and PJ's new housemate. The conclusion to the video is that all things which are odd and unexpected usually happen to _him_ , which Phil deems to be true enough. He then asks the viewers to describe their experiences on sharing a room, if they have any, and wraps up the video.

At the end of it, he feels he may have disclosed a bit too much personal information - which he is always careful not to do. He figures though, that he can get rid of most of it through editing, so he leaves it as it is and uploads the footage to his computer, then plays all of it back and begins editing out parts of it. Using video software on his laptop is a complete nightmare, but he's got to make do.

 

As Phil ponders over a particular part of the video, Dan steps inside, wearing a black hoodie and only slightly-less-black skinny jeans. The boy glances at him briefly and quickly looks away, flopping down on the bed and splaying out on top of it. Phil thinks Dan looks like a black, annoyed starfish, and doesn't manage to stifle the giggle that thought causes.

Dan eyes him again. "What's so funny?"

Phil didn't expect any sort of interaction from his housemate, but just as all the other times, he tries not to look surprised. "Um, I just, I had a funny thought."

"Oh yeah?" Dan lays his head back on the pillow, but turns so that he can still see Phil. "What's that, then?"

"I just thought you look a bit like a black starfish right now," he blurts out and observes the effect his words have on the boy.

Confusion sets in first, furrowing his brows and twisting the corners of his mouth. For a moment there, Phil can tell that Dan wonders if he should be offended or not. Then he looks down his body, as if only just now noticing his position on the bed.

In the end, Dan lights up and smiles, then moves to sit up the way he usually does, his pillow serving as a backrest.

Phil enjoys that smile. It's a shame that he's not very adept at causing it.

"And you look like that guy from Fall Out Boy," Dan says, clearly referring to Phil's slightly outdated haircut, similar to that of Pete Wentz from years ago. Then again, Dan's is much the same - Phil noticed that the boy straightens his hair and even has a bit of a fringe going on.

"Thanks, that's _exactly_ the look I was going for," he replies lightly. "Think I can start singing on campus to fund my daily bag of popcorn?"

"Depends on your skills. You might end up getting paid to _stop_ ," Dan says in the same tone.

Before Phil gets to respond, a soft knock on the door breaks their conversation.

"Phil? It's me, Peej."

"Oh, come in!" Phil shouts, hauling off the bed. It then occurrs to him that Dan may have other plans, so he asks him, "Is that okay?"

Dan shrugs as if not minding it at all, but he does sit up properly, for which Phil is strangely grateful.

The door opens to reveal PJ, luckily without Chris (who seems to have developed a tendency to follow him around everywhere). Phil thinks that putting Dan and Chris in a room together might end up in a trip to the hospital, so he's pleased with that turn of events.

"Hey man! Oh, hello, you must be Dan?" PJ exclaims, a friendly smile on his face interrupted briefly by a knowing glance at Phil.

"So it seems," Dan replies. "Hi."

"I'm PJ. Nice to meet you." He then turns to Phil. "You were supposed to pop in at five, Lester. It's quarter to seven. Figured I'd come in and check if you're even alive."

Phil suddenly remembers that yes, they agreed to meet up in the afternoon, and yes, he completely forgot about it while working on his new video.

"Sorry! I got, er, wrapped up in... Things."

Phil, obviously, still hasn't told Dan about YouTube. In all fairness, it would be difficult to do, when the only conversation that takes place between them is torn down to odd little snippets that mean nothing and everything all at once.

"Shall we go now, then? The library closes at 8."

"Yeah, yeah, let's." Phil drags himself off the bed and grabs his jacket, then goes to leave, following PJ. Before he does, though, he turns back towards the room and waves at his roommate. "See you later, Dan!"

No response follows, but at least he tried.

 

**~~~~~**

 

As they both make their way through the corridors which are filled with gigantic bookshelves, cheap lamps and that distinct, familiar smell of an old library, Phil, without even planning on it, brings up Dan.

"He's interesting, really," he states, "I mean, I think we could really get along! But he just doesn't talk to me, at least not very often. And when he does it doesn't make a lot of sense."

PJ looks up from a book he's browsing and smiles. "Well, have _you_ tried talking to him?"

If Phil were to evaluate their entire acquaintance, which amounts to almost a week, he'd probably find himself _slightly_ wanting. But hey, he _did_ try once or twice.

 "A few times."

"Maybe you just need to keep trying. No offence, mate, but you're not exactly the best at chatting up people. Perhaps he's even worse than you."

Phil chuckles. "None taken. But I didn't plan on living with Dan. I thought you and I would share this year too and-"

"And you hate your plans being spoiled, I know," PJ quips. "When I first met Chris those few days ago, I was bloody terrified. Still am. So if you take that into consideration, you're lucky. The kid seems normal, just going through a phase, I guess."

Phil barely knows Dan, but he knows enough to deem that judgment of the boy incorrect. "I don't think it's a phase. I think that's just Dan."

PJ gives him a toothy grin. "Then you and _Just Dan_ need to have a little chat."

Phil shrugs, because it takes two to tango, and Phil can't even walk two steps without tripping, so this might not end that well.

 

 

When he comes back an hour later, Dan's on the bed, in his headphones, fast asleep. He must've fallen asleep while doing something on his laptop, which sits dangerously perched on his stomach, about to fall down onto the floor.

Phil, feeling like a massive intruder, sets the boy's laptop down on the carpet, as gently and quietly as he can possibly manage. He then goes back to editing and finally uploading the video to his channel.

They don't speak again that night.

 

**~~~~~**

 

He wakes up to a flurry of comments on his new video, in which people seem very intrigued by his new roommate. Some of them are borderline creepy: _Phil pls take a pic of him and send us, OMG WHATS HIS *FULL* NAME???, ok nice but is he hot?_

Of course, the vast majority is positive and people are sharing their experiences, the good and the bad. Phil feels a little less alone in the situation - and thanks to that, the day starts on a good note.

After reading through some of the messages from his subscribers, he turns towards Dan's part of the room and realizes that the boy must have been staring at him, but quickly looked away when caught.

 

"Hey Dan," he says with a sleepy smile as he sits up and stretches. It's a Saturday; nothing can spoil his mood today, he thinks.

Dan doesn't respond and instead eyes him with an expression Phil is unable to read.

"Did you sleep well?" he tries again.

Dan scoffs. "What did I say? You don't care, why ask?"

"How do you know I don't care?" Phil answers with a yawn.

"Well, let's see, for starters, you apparently think that I _hate_ you," Dan shoots back, pointing at his laptop. "So I'm not sure _why_ you'd care."

Phil's jaw drops. The last remnants of sleep immediately wash away from his face but not from his head; his brain doesn't function properly in the mornings, so making sense of it all proves to be a considerable challenge.

After a prolonged silence, Dan flashes him a bitter smirk.

"I can use Google, you know. It's not _that_ difficult to find. Don't tell me you've never googled yourself?"

Comprehension sets in and his heart sinks.

"You've seen my channel."

"Yeah. Nice vids, by the way. Very relatable."

"Dan, I-" he stutters, "I'm sorry. I should've asked for your permission before even mentioning you in a video. And I-"

"I don't mind. It's just, don't act like all that bullshit matters to you when it clearly doesn't, alright?"

"But it _does_ ," he assures, and to his own surprise, finds it to be true. He _does_ want to get to know Dan better, and to know if he's had a good day and if he's slept well, all the little things that build a day-to-day life. But of course, he wouldn't be Phil if something didn't go extremely wrong.

Five days in, Phil has already managed to piss his roommate off well and proper. He'd not have thought this would have bothered him before. It was easy to blame it all on Dan and not try and make friends with him under the pretense of the boy ignoring him all day long, wasn't it?

"Well, I'm going out, so there's your little bit of trivia for the day. Bye." Dan gets up, and only then does Phil realize that his housemate is already fully dressed, while he is still in his pyjamas.

"Hey, Dan, hang on," Phil pleads, but is met with the sound of the door being shut as Dan leaves the room.

 

 

All kinds of thoughts flood Phil's mind, but the one that clings to him is actually not a thought, but a memory - Dan's smile from the previous night, their tiny little banter that was then interrupted by PJ. It's only Phil's fault for viewing Dan as a necessity to put up with, but putting it out on the Internet certainly did not make it better.

It doesn't take long for him to figure that he wants to fix what he's done.

He grabs the camera, sits right in front of it and begins to film.

 

Because, with a degree of surprise, he finds that he'd really like to see that smile again.


	3. Unusual Peace Offerings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for your positive feedback!! I love to hear your thoughts, so tell me anything that comes to mind, good or bad. Also, I'm not a native speaker, so please forgive me if you find any errors - and correct me if you like! :)
> 
> What happens in this chapter: SOCIAL INTERACTION. Wow.

"Hey guys. So, I know I've only just recently posted a video, but a... _certain topic_ has come up and I feel I need to address it."

He looks down for a moment, playing with his hands. He's not going to edit this video at all. There will be no jump cuts or pandas or anything of the sort, just him, just Phil.

"In a way, I kind of want to delete the video from last night, even though you've all been really sweet about it. But I realize now that what I said was not alright, and deleting the video would mean not owning up to it."

Phil briefly wonders if this is too grand a gesture for someone he barely knows, but then he realizes: no, it's not. You can do wrong to people you've never met before, and he certainly has.

"What I want to talk about today, is making new friends."

His eyes remain on the screen, he lacks his usual smile. He wants this video to be honest, candid, knowing that the message he is trying to convey is an important one.

"I was never that great at making friends and befriending people. It's something I've tried to improve on ever since I noticed I could be better at it. I'm good enough at small talk, but when it comes to really opening up to people, I'm kinda rubbish!"

He takes a deep breath and releases it in a nervous huff.

"Once I know someone better, I'm all me, and they either put up with it or they don't. But making new friends, being around people I don't know? Not really Phil's territory. I'm also really, really clumsy, as you may know from my previous videos. Aaand a little bit awkward. And I also don't think before speaking, or in some cases, _doing_."

Phil notices that he's been staring at his hands for the last few words and looks up, expression earnest, probably more so than in most of his videos.

"I think my last video is a grand example of all those flaws! I believe I conveyed a message that I didn't intend to. I judged quickly and didn't leave my comfort zone to try new things."

The moment of silence that follows would normally end in a jump cut, but not this time.

"Don't get me wrong, it's totally alright to have flaws! But I let mine blind me and may have missed out on a good opportunity." He freezes for a moment, realizing that he's still only talking about himself, and this is supposed to be for somebody else. "That's not the main point, though. My point is that, through our own shortcomings, it's really easy for us to say something or do something hurtful to another person! And I hate doing that, I really do." Phil's twiddling his thumbs nervously just to keep his hands occupied. "So the message of this video is: remember that even people who barely know you may still be affected by you! There's no such thing as having too many friends. Even if you're awkward like me, try to meet new people with an open mind!" He pauses. "Honestly though guys, this message isn't for all of you out there. You're all very lovely people. This message is for _me_."

Time to wrap up. "So to make a long story short, Future Phil, here's your New Semester Resolution: think twice before acting, and _apologize_ when you don't."

His eyes fly up to meet the lens and he tilts his head ever so slightly.

 

"So, to not go against my own word, I just have to say... I'm sorry."

He leans forward, turns off the camera and the screen fades to black.

 

 

**-**

Phil can't possibly know when, or if, Dan will see the video. He doesn't know if after this morning's fiasco Dan will ever check his channel again. He figures he has to take his chances.

He uploads it and hastily turns off his laptop, somewhat scared of the reactions of his subscribers. He then quickly scribbles down a note for Dan.

 

_Hey Dan,_

_Please check my channel. There's something I would really like you to see._

_Phil_

After setting the note on Dan's pillow, he grabs his phone and leaves the room, closing the door softly.

 

**-**

 

Phil finds PJ watching his newest video, the one that he had just uploaded, while laying on the bed face down. Phil didn't knock - old habit he's been trying to fight, from when they shared a room - and because of that, he startled PJ.

Peej sits up and calls him out on not knocking, then motions for Phil to sit on the chair by his desk, which Phil does.

They exchange a few pleasantries as Phil tries to avoid the subject, but PJ knows him all too well for all too long - almost the entirety of their lives. Phil is a bad liar to begin with, and his old friend can read him like an open book.

"That's a bit of a rollercoaster you've put your viewers on, Phil," PJ comments. Phil sighs in reply, shoulders slumped.

"Not any worse than the one I'm on, Peej. And it's been a week!" he whines. "I just wanna be friends with the guy, is that so hard?"

"Apparently," PJ replies with a shrug. "What's the matter? Gotta say I liked this last one, mate, it's really honest, but it doesn't fit your profile."

"Dan's seen my videos," Phil mumbles with resignation. "The previous one too, the one about my new roommate."

Comprehension washes over Peej's face, only further cementing the notion that Phil messed up.

"Ah."

"Yeah..."

"And you're trying to make it up to him?"

Phil shrugs. "I guess."

"Phil, you just said you've known him for a week. Isn't that a bit, I don't know, intense?"

"No," Phil replies with confidence. "I think it really bothered him, you know, that I judged him so quickly. I'd rather say sorry than be a pompous prick."

Peej chuckles and says, "Fair enough. Hope it works out."

Phil doesn't say anything, but he truly does hope so too.

 

When he comes back to the room just after midnight, Dan's still not there, and the note remains right where he left it in the afternoon.

 

 

 

**~~~~~**

 

 

Phil wakes up slowly, wanting to stay in bed. He hates being up early; ten AM is the earliest he'd personally opt to do. But it's Sunday and if he will sleep in today, he will have trouble getting up for classes tomorrow morning, so being the functioning adult he aspires to (eventually, someday, _perhaps_ ) become, he sits up and stretches with a loud, unrestrained yawn.

"Morning."

He jumps at the greeting, entirely startled, and hits his head against the tiny wooden shelf that hangs on the wall next to his bed. He winces, rubs at the spot that is causing him pain and turns towards the voice that scared him moments before. To his surprise (which is quite silly really, because they _do_ live together, so who else could it be?), he finds Dan sitting in the chair that belongs to the other boy's side of the room. Dan is looking at him intently. He's leaning back dangerously and Phil has to control the urge to run up to him before the thing gives in and brings Dan down to the carpeted floor.

It's so weird, living with another person! Having them greet you in the morning when the day before they could barely stand the sight of you. Not knowing what to say in reply and simply rubbing the soon-to-be bump on your head, turning mild pain to a dull, numb sensation, mouth slightly agape as you stare at them and they stare right back at you.

Actually, perhaps that's just Phil.

 

"You okay, mate?" Dan asks, and Phil doesn't know how or why, but he finds a hidden smile in the boy's eyes that is not present anywhere else on his face.

"Um, yeah," he stammers, and _to hell with it all_ , he thinks as he blurts out: "Did you, er, see my note?"

Dan's expression falls a little and he looks down, the smallest hint of embarrassment tinting his cheeks.

"I did, yeah, I mean - I mean, I've seen your video."

Phil feels heavier than he ever thought he might have over an acquaintance this short, and the throbbing in his aching head relocates to somewhere down his throat, somewhere near where his heart probably resides. _(Phil never liked biology; he thinks it's quite gross.)_

"I'm sorry, Dan. I really don't think that you hate me. Unless of course you _do_ , but - but if you do then it's probably my fault. I'm rubbish at getting to know people."

"It's fine, Phil." Dan puts a little emphasis on Phil's name, and Phil can't tell if it's due to annoyance or simply wanting to drop the subject.

To his surprise, both of his assumptions appear to be wrong, because Dan keeps on talking.

"To be fair, I wasn't really trying to get to know you either," the boy mutters, still testing the limits of his chair and leaning back way too far. "Not used to having people around me too much."

"So get to know me," Phil takes his chance when he sees one, and chooses to ignore the latter comment for the time being. "Let's do something together?"

Dan freezes and meets his eyes with a tame sort of interest.

"Like what?"

Phil scans his brain for anything universally enjoyable, but all that comes up is a desperate plea for coffee, one of his two addictions that he can never seem to beat, the other one being, of course, the Internet.

"For starters, I could really use some coffee," he says at last. "There's a Starbucks 'round the corner, come with me."

The dark haired boy smirks at his suggestion. "A trip to Starbucks. How innovative, Phil."

Phil doesn't know Dan well enough to easily distinguish banter from sarcasm, but he smiles earnestly in return, because a smile can go a long way in befriending someone, he thinks.

"I'm known for my unusual peace offerings."

Dan's expression resembles his own now, and Phil feels a strange kind of relief wash over him, because hey, maybe this won't be so bad after all.

"Go on then, get dressed. I'm not going anywhere with a guy wearing Superman pyjamas."

"Oi, these are not pyjamas! I'm secretly Clark Kent," he says as he scrambles out of bed and rummages through his stuff in search of shower gel, toothbrush and toothpaste.

"That's a very incriminating secret to give up in front of someone who may or may not hate you," Dan comments before Phil leaves.

"I'll just have to take my chances."

Phil then leaves the room to go fix himself up a little, leaving Dan to stare blankly at the desk.

If a shy kind of whisper falls from Dan's lips at any point, Phil can't possibly have heard it.

"So will I."

 

**-**

An hour later, they've settled into a fairly quiet nook of an otherwise very noisy and crowded Starbucks, and Phil can hardly believe this is actually happening. Just last morning, he thought he had a whole semester of awkward moments ahead of him. Actually, he thought so for the entirety of last week. His mind had woven intricate scenarios of sitting over at PJ's room every single night, putting up with Chris just to avoid getting in the way of Dan, doing what he can to avoid interaction. He entertained the thought of asking Mum to send him his sleeping bag so that he could just move in with Peej and Chris (much to their delight, surely, considering the rooms are already too small for two, let alone three).

He'd been a fool, he decides. Perhaps this won't be so terrible.

 

Phil is the first to strike up conversation after he brings in the drinks for the two of them as well as a sandwich for himself and a salad for Dan.

"So, can this be the _get-to-know-your-new-roommate_ part of the day?" he asks, hiding nervosity behind a subdued smile.

"I did say you don't know me," Dan responds, taking a sip of his coffee. "But you're free to give it a try."

"We're stuck for the entire semester, Dan," he reminds him. "Maybe more," he adds as an afterthought.

"You're the one who's stuck. Lived down here for two months, on my own. I've already adapted to this shithole."

"How come you moved in during the summer?"

Dan looks up from his drink and meets Phil's eyes for a brief, but strangely intense, moment.

"Don't wanna talk about that," he says.

Phil clears his throat.

"Right, then. What do you study?"

The boy winces, something akin to resignation twisting and pulling at his youthful features.

"Law."

Phil's eyes widen in surprise. Dan looks like the last person in the world who'd ever consider becoming a lawyer - alright, perhaps not the _last_ one, but definitely not the first in line either. He just doesn't give off that vibe, but what does Phil know?

"Oh, wow."

"I'm not gonna ask what you study, because I already know." Phil frowns in confusion, so Dan offers, "Your video? The whole reason why we're sitting here right now?"

"Oh, right." Phil flushes slightly and stirs his caramel macchiato unnecessarily. "I'm really sorry, Dan."

Dan nods, dismissing the apology - Phil's already apologized, he _knows_ he likely doesn't need to do it again. But that's just what Phil does. He's the type of person who will apologize for apologizing.

"You like Muse," Dan states after a moment of silence, surprising Phil yet again with actually remembering things about him.

"I _love_ Muse," Phil corrects him, summoning up a grin that Dan returns.

"Favorite song?"

"Probably _New Born_ , but all of _Origin of Symmetry_ really!"

"Holy crap, me too," Dan exclaims. His expression shows eager interest now, even a bit of excitement. The boy is a series of ups and downs that Phil can't seem to decipher, but finds himself willing to try anyway.

"Really? Is that why you're always wearing headphones? Listening to Muse?"

Dan shrugs. "A lot of the time, yeah. Though these last few days I may have been sort of catching up on your vids."

Phil flushes again, feeling a tiny bit of pride swell up within him. He's had subscribers come up to him asking for a picture, of course, he has interacted with people who watch his videos, so it shouldn't be all _that_ new. However, it's different when you're sitting across from someone and trying to get to know them, and they likely already know a lot about you just from the content you're putting out on the Internet for the world to see.

"Do you normally watch YouTube?" he asks out of lack of something else to say.

"Quite a lot, yeah." Another sip of coffee. "How did you start making videos?"

"No idea really! One day I made a really bad vlog back at home and it just sort of escalated from there."

Dan gazes at him with interest. His hair is curly around the edges today, he's wearing a dark gray shirt underneath a black leather jacket on top of very, very skinny jeans. The boy's eyes reflect the sunlight slipping through the windows in a wonderful way, lighting up his entire face.

"I've seen it, and yeah, it _was_ rather bad."

Phil wants to be upset, he really does; but he can't be, not when he knows that Dan is right and the boy is smiling at him, one corner of his lips lifted slightly above the other in a teaseful smirk.

"Right, so we've already established I make questionably decent videos, what do _you_ do for fun?" he asks instead.

"What _don't_ I do for fun," Dan replies, putting on a creepy smile. Phil bursts out laughing.

"I don't think I want to know anymore..."

"But I thought you said you wanted to get to know me, Philip?" the boy asks innocently.

"Not if you're going to be making that face," Phil attempts to mimic Dan's earlier expression, and somehow, they both end up pulling dumb faces at each other, even having a little sort of contest.

They only stop when Dan sees a little girl pointing at them and being pulled away by her mother.

"Great, at this rate I'm soon going to get banned from the only coffee shop that is within reasonable walking distance," Dan grumbles, but there's a smile underneath the annoyance in his voice, softening it and coating it with hidden warmth.

"Could always chase the manager away if he does tell you to leave. PJ said that the guy he shares with tried to threaten a waitress using a green water gun when she told him to put his shirt on."

"Sounds like a good time. Add that to the list of things I _won't_ be doing this year," Dan remarks.

"You have one of those too? I'm running out of space on mine!" Phil half-jokes, because in all honesty, just off the top of his head he could name about twenty things he most certainly _won't_ be doing this year.

Apparently, learning to appreciate his roommate is not one of those things.

 

**-**

Phil finds that things are better when he doesn't try to mention anything serious and doesn't ask too many questions. Dan, on the other hand, asks just about every question that seems to pop in his head.

Phil should feel interrogated, but he doesn't.

They spend three hours in that Starbucks. They seem to have things in common. Both of them have a Tumblr (the endless scrolling motion suddenly makes so much sense to Phil). Both of them like Muse and several other bands. They both like video games. Phil raves about Pokemon and how he's recently gotten a shiny Nidorina ( _it's quite ugly_ , he says, _but I love it as if it was my very own very ugly child)_ , while Dan whines about cheaters and poor balancing that _always_ makes him lose online battles. _They might as well let me do the balancing_ , he says, _Because I'd just chuck it all out the window and set it on fire and still do a better bloody job._ Phil giggles - yes, giggles - at the boy's frustration and neither agrees nor disagrees, because he is casual in the way he plays his games, and he doesn't particularly care if Gardevoir is twenty times better than Raichu, but Dan seems quite passionate about the subject.

Phil is surprised. Dan barely cared to say a single word to him in their acquaintance so far, and Phil was inclined to believe that the boy not only hates him but also must be a rather boring person. Turns out he was wrong on both accounts.

 

When the clock strikes 2 PM, in the middle of Phil's story about his late hamster, Dan stands up and announces that he's got to go now.

"Sorry," he mutters, "Would love to hear about the next two generations of your little family there, Phil, but I've got, I guess you could say, plans."

Phil feels as if woken up from a dream. For a moment there, it was all dimples, random banter and easy smiles, brown eyes and sip after sip of double caramel macchiatos. For a while, he lost all sense of time; he finds himself experiencing this surreal feeling of being in suspense, unprepared for the unfolding events.

But really, no matter how poetic he may make it sound in his own head, he just doesn't want Dan to go. Not when things are starting to look up.

"Right, of course," Phil says after an instant that was a little too long. He stands up too and eyes his roommate with a lot of conflicting emotions coursing through him; rivers and waterfalls fighting for dominance, wanting to be alone and wanting to stay in the company of this person who is so surprisingly alike him.

"I'll see you tonight," Dan states without further ado.

_Where are you going?_ he wants to ask, but Dan's already leaving, and he wonders why it's so sudden and so fast, but he's got to keep up.

"Thanks Dan. I'll see you!"

 

He doesn't follow his housemate out of the coffee shop; instead he sits down for a while longer, contemplating everything and nothing at the same time. He leaves only when the cashier starts to shoot him angry looks for taking up a table when there's about a billion people wanting to sit down.

 

**-**

The rest of the day flies by him, with Phil feeling like he's in a bit of a daze. He studies, not much, but enough to last him through the week, he hopes. He checks his Twitter and is overwhelmed by the amount of positive responses to his last video, and he doesn't regret it one bit, thinks he wouldn't even if people hated it. It got him somewhere with Dan, after all, a possible ticket to a not-so-terrible semester. The boy's unusual but most definitely doesn't despise him - not until Phil somehow mucks it up, at least, which he thinks very well might happen.

Then he starts over thinking things. And he wonders, did he say something wrong? Dan left so suddenly, so quick, without an explanation.

He'll have to try and feel him out later. Asking straight out won't work, he thinks.

 

Phil falls asleep that night thinking about conflicting schedules, because whatever plans Dan has had, they kept him out long enough for Phil not to see him again that day.

 

**~~~~~**

Phil wakes up, miserable about it being a Monday, and immediately looks over to Dan's side of the room, half-expecting the boy not to be there. But he is, seemingly still asleep, in what Phil would call a _reverse starfish position_ \- laying flat on his stomach, both arms and legs splayed out, hanging off the bed that was probably designed for someone shorter than Dan, (or Phil, for that matter).

He doesn't know Dan's schedule, but his own tells him that he's already twenty minutes late for class.

"Dan, it's half past 9, have you got class today?" he tries while fishing for clothes, feeling strangely responsible for Dan now that the boy doesn't ignore him.

"Ugh," is the only sign of life that he receives.

He turns around to see if Dan's awake now, and while he does find him no longer asleep, the boy is in no hurry to move. He is laying on his side now, staring at Phil sleepily.

"I can't be arsed to go to class today," Dan says casually, his sleepy voice much deeper than Phil's ever heard it before.

"Think you'd better," he advises, being the older one of the two. "It's the second week, they still keep track of this stuff."

Dan rolls his eyes ever so slightly, and then a devilish kind of smirk creeps up on his face.

"Stay in. My mate Louise has a TV in her room. Let's play some Mario Kart. Fuck class, honestly. It'll still be there tomorrow."

Phil stares at him blankly. The idea, to him, seems entirely outrageous. He's got a degree to get and a future to pursue, and neither of those involve _Mario Kart_ of all things. He has also never intentionally missed a day of school, or Uni, in his life.

"What are you on about? Get up," he quips, hastily brushing his hair, thanking all the hair-gods out there that it's naturally straight.

"Come on," Dan insists.

" _You_ come on. I bet you're already late."

"You wanted to get to know me."

Phil stops what he was doing to look at the younger, disheveled boy on the other side of their tiny room. He _did_ want to. But at what cost?

"Just today?" Dan asks, as if sensing Phil's inner conflict.

He shouldn't. He doesn't even want to.

Or does he?

Dan's eyes tell him that he does, and he can't look into his own to confirm that it's mutual.

 

He puts down the backpack he's been stuffing full of textbooks and looks at his roommate expectantly.

"Go on then," he says with more fake confidence than he initially planned to inject into the sentence. "And be aware, my friends call me _The Mario Kart Beast_."

Dan chuckles, dragging himself out of bed.

" _Beast_? Really, Phil? Are your friends imaginary by any chance? Because I wouldn't be surprised."

 

**-**

Phil loses four games in a row.

Strangely, he still doesn't regret skipping class that day.


	4. I'm Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a gigantic THANK YOU to all of you who commented, gave me kudos or bookmarked this story. I think I'm just going to repeatedly thank you every single chapter until we're done. I hope you don't mind! :D 
> 
> A little time has passed since the last chapter. Enjoy!

It's a Friday afternoon when Phil steps out of the store, straight into pouring rain, realizing he does  _not_  an umbrella on him, what's worse, he's not even wearing a hoodie. Everybody around him has some sort of rain protection, but of course, not him, not Phil. Phil may be the opposite of careless, but he is exceedingly forgetful, and as a result, there's nothing to save him from the usual, lovely English weather.

Fantastic.

He's got a bit of a walk between him and the dorms. He should have settled for the local store and not gone any further, but he had an enormous craving for marshmallows, and they were all out of them at his usual shop. So he walked, ignoring the clouds that were looming above his head as he made his way there. Not the smartest thing he's ever done, considering how much he hates getting caught in the rain.

He briefly entertains the thought of calling a cab, but realizes there's no point - he's not paying 10 quid for a 15 minute walk. His parents help him out, he's got YouTube, but he's hardly sleeping on money and he really _does_ try to watch his expenses.

With a sigh, he ventures through the streets, walking past people with smiles on their faces and weather-appropriate attire; not everyone came unprepared today, guess it's just Phil.

A mere few steps into his journey, his phone beeps, alerting him of an incoming text. He quickly ducks underneath the nearest piece of roof he can find and stops to read the message.

 

**_Dan_ **

**_you didn't bring your umbrella did you_ **

Phil smiles to himself, briefly wondering if he really is _that_ predictable.

 

_Phil_

_No I didn't. But I've got marshmallows!_

**_Dan_ **

**_where even are you?_ **

_Phil_

_Over at Mo & Jerry's, or like 10 steps away               _

**_Dan_ **

**_geez_ **

**_wait there_ **

_Phil_

_What do you mean wait? for what?_

**_Dan_ **

**_just wait will you_ **

**_stand underneath something_ **

**_if you get ill and contagious im having you_ _moved to the infirmary_ **

Phil chuckles and does wait, although he has no idea for _what_. He figures Dan is about to send him something, call him and tell him about a nearby coffee shop where can wait it out, anything. But five minutes pass and all that's happened is that Phil is starting to feel the wetness soak through his shirt and he's just very, very cold.

 

  _Phil_

_Dan what am I waiting for?_

_I'm bloody soaked_

_I'm going back to the dorms_

"No you're not."

Not for the first time in their short acquaintance, Dan manages to startle Phil out of his mind by sneaking up on him. With his eyes glued to the phone, he did not see the boy arrive and walk up to him, the sound of his footsteps drawn out by all the noises that fill the streets of London day in, day out.

"Dan! What are you - _oh_ ," he exclaims as he notices the umbrella in Dan's hand, accompanied by Phil's jacket, casually swung over his arm.

Dan himself is wearing a waterproof (black, obviously) coat, thus he's in a much better situation than Phil is currently. The boy grins at him proudly.

Phil is at a loss for words for a moment as Dan hands him his things. He shrugs into the jacket very quickly, zipping it all the way up, still shivering from the cold, then opens the umbrella and looks at his roommate with a mixture of gratitude and confusion.

"You walked here just for this? Or you've got business in town?"

Dan scoffs, cheeks slightly pink. Phil assumes it's due to the exertion - he's made the ten minute walk in five or six minutes.

" _This_ is business in town, you loser," Dan replies, motioning for Phil to follow him already. "Like I said, if you get sick I'm having you sent away for the entire duration. Figured you didn't want that to happen."

Phil laughs at Dan, not in the least bit insulted. He's known the boy for a month and is just starting to become decent at the art of _Understanding Daniel Howell, Part One of Five Hundred_. Being called a nerd, a spork, a dork, a spoon, an idiot, a genius, a llama and all sorts of other things is just part of the deal.

"You can send me away, but then I'm not sharing my giant bag of marshmallows," Phil says nonchalantly, pointing at the sizeable shopping bag he's carrying. As an afterthought, he sincerely adds, "Thanks, Dan."

"No probs," the boy replies with a grin. Phil figures he must be in a good mood today. To be fair, so is Phil - who doesn't love a Friday night?

Honestly, four weeks in, a lot of things about Dan are still a guessing game for Phil. The boy's moods, his whereabouts (where on Earth does he disappear to sometimes? There are days when Phil hardly sees him at all), personal things of all sorts, he doesn't know much. Phil, on the other hand, has shared a fair bit about himself but was unable to prompt Dan to do the same.

They make their way through the crowded streets with not much said between the two of them. Phil appreciates the jacket, _a lot_ , but he's still feeling really cold. He doesn't regret the trip though, mostly because of Dan. What the boy did was a very nice gesture.

 

Upon their arrival at the dorms, the first thing Phil does is grab some fresh, warm, _dry_ clothes and go change. He makes himself and Dan some tea as well, doing his very best at not spilling the hot liquid as he makes his way back to their room. Of course, he spills _a little_ , but he wouldn't be Phil if he didn't.

"Made you some tea," he announces as he comes back in.

"Another one of your peace offerings?" Dan jokes and takes the mug with a small, appreciative nod.

"Just a way to say thank you for helping me out there. It's my own fault for not bringing an umbrella."

Phil's earnest smile is met by Dan's shy one. Truth be told, the boy doesn't often express himself like this. Phil would sooner expect being made fun of when he comes back than having Dan come to his rescue.

Before taking a sip, Dan asks, "It's not poisoned, is it?"

Phil laughs, remembering the first, entirely horrific day of their acquaintance when Dan assumed Phil would kill him using a bag of Maltesers. They have since shared various snacks and so far, nobody died.

"Yes Dan, I'm playing the long game. I waited this long to kill you with a cuppa tea."

His housemate laughs into the mug, spilling just a little on his shirt. Phil wonders if his own clumsiness isn't rubbing off on Dan.

"Never know with you weirdos from the North."

Phil sits down cross-legged on his own bed, wraps a blanket around himself and waits for the tea to cool enough for him to be able to drink it.

"I'm not a weirdo! I'm just unique and special."

"Of course you are," Dan teases as he boots up his laptop, not looking at Phil anymore, but still smiling.

Phil accepts Dan's unspoken change of activity - he figures there is only so much that can be done in a day. Instead, he answers a missed text from PJ, who is asking if he will be coming over tonight.

He might as well.

But wait...

The thought forms in his head before he can ponder whether it is a wise one, and then it spills onto his tongue, past his lips, too quickly for him to stop it.

"I'm popping over to Peej's in a bit. Do you want to come with me, Dan?"

Truth is, PJ knows of Dan's existence and has heard a lot about him, but their only interaction is an awkward _hi_ that takes place if Phil's friend comes to their room. It could be much more than that.

Phil thinks that PJ, with his vastly superior social graces, may actually be good at interacting with Dan if given a proper chance, so it seems to him that it is worth a try.

Of course, he still thinks that Chris _may_ make Dan go insane, but at least there will be two of them then. Phil doesn't exactly hate the guy, but he is slightly scared of him.

Dan looks away from the laptop that he's already occupied himself with, a distracted expression on his face. Phil watches intently as the message sinks in - it's not hard to spot the exact moment, not difficult to catch the frown and a glimpse of contemplation.

"I doubt your friend wants to see me. I don't know him."

This seems to be a favorite for Dan when it comes to _reasons not to speak to people_ , but Phil's not going to give in that easily.

"I can ring him and ask if he's fine with it, but I can promise you that he won't mind," Phil assures, briefly wondering why it matters to him at all.

Dan grimaces and then yawns.

"I don't like to socialize."

"Me neither," Phil says, "Well, not a lot, anyway. But PJ isn't really in the _socializing_ category. He's like a brother to me." After some thought, he adds, "You'll like him."

Dan's gaze hardens briefly before he looks away, although Phil may just have imagined it. _It's a losing battle,_ Phil thinks, _I'll never be as fun as all of Tumblr and YouTube combined_.

"If you two are so tight, what do you need me there for, Phil? Just go, I won't get lonely."

Phil, _this_ close to giving up, decides to go for one more attempt.

"Come on. It's going to be a little party. If you don't like it you can leave. I'll even go with you! I swear on the - I swear on the _Queen_!"

Dan, seemingly somewhat against his own will, lets out a snort and shakes his head at Phil. There is a certain degree of familiarity in the way his flatmate looks at him then, Phil thinks, vividly recalling the budding inside jokes and short, but strangely meaningful conversations they've already shared.

Truth be told, Phil just wants to introduce Dan to PJ, properly. Because he thinks, well, maybe they're not just roommates, perhaps they could even be _friends_. Maybe not yet, not right now, but sometime in the future. And Peej is this big part of Phil's life, so it's only right that he meets Phil's friend-to-be-if-everything-goes-well.

Also, Phil could use some support. Chris is supposed to be there too, and he is an utterly terrifying creature, as far as Phil is concerned.

"I'm staying in, mate," Dan cuts off after a while, "Go on, I wanna go on Tumblr and you're supposed to be leaving."

He does his best to conceal his disappointment; at least he made a truly valiant attempt. He says, without malice, cheerfully, that _alright, have fun then Dan, see you later, I might be a bit late, I don't know_ , and slips out of the room, hiding a couple of beers underneath his jacket. It's not exactly _encouraged_ to drink in the dorms, although it happens all the time. Really now, it's a Friday night, Phil is twenty-one, he'll have all the fun he wants, with or without his housemate.

 

 

**-**

Something is _off_.

Phil is sitting on PJ's bed, on his second beer now, PJ's third, as for Chris - he's lost count; doesn't matter, Chris acts drunk even when sober. It's not that something is wrong, exactly. The three of them are all bright and merry, as most uni students tend to be on weekends, in his somewhat limited experience.

But why is PJ sitting next to Chris, not next to Phil?

Nevermind that, even. PJ can sit on whichever bed he likes best. But his best friend is staring at Chris with a stare so unguarded that Phil is instantly reminded of Peej's first love, Jessica, who broke his heart back when they were ten. It was a sad story. PJ asked her to trade stickers and she told him to go away or she will tell the teacher that he hit her. He hasn't looked at anyone with the same amount of trust ever since.

Of course, alcohol is liquid courage, and PJ, ever so nice, only becomes more mellow after having a couple of drinks; it could be that, the reason behind his gentle, content gaze. But still. Something is off.

He downs the rest of his beer in two big gulps and tries to focus on the story Chris is animatedly telling them.

"...and then she goes like - _WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE, YOU FIEND!_ " Chris exclaims, imitating a middle-aged woman (or a banshee, possibly, judging by the shriek). Phil hasn't been keeping enough track of this little tale, but if Chris barged into his house, he'd likely sound similar to the lady he's describing.

He manages a chuckle; PJ is laughing hysterically.

"Oi, Phil, you don't like my story, do you?" Chris pipes up, seeing how little reaction he had caused. "My man, what you need is more alcohol! PJ darling, get this man some shots. He needs them. _SHOTS_."

PJ smiles at his roommate, but doesn't try to coerce Phil into drinking more.

The same trend continues to go on for a while longer, with Chris chattering away like crazy, Peej chiming in a little, and Phil saying not much at all. Phil has three more beers and his head starts to feel heavy, his mind spins and stretches in all directions, distracted and yet focused on his best friend, whom he knows better than he knows himself, acting the way he usually behaves around... Well, _girls_. Girls he finds attractive.

Only now, it's about Chris.

Phil wonders if Chris' odd admiration isn't projecting on him, though. Chris looks at Peej as if he alone put all the stars up in the sky. Every single word, facial expression, joke and lame pun are remarked upon.

He finally figures what's _odd_. It's some sort of tension, and because PJ truly is like a brother to him, calling it _sexual_ makes him feel extremely uncomfortable. But it's _something_.

"Peeeej, aren't you too warm?" Chris slurs. "I am. I'm too warm."

"Aye, it's hot in this bloody room," PJ agrees. Phil's gaze hangs on the way their knees are brushing as they both sit on the bed the opposite of him.

" _You're_ too hot in this bloody room!" Chris shouts, evidently proud of his prowess.

Phil is full on cringing by now, feeling nothing less than like a third wheel.

"Maybe I should go," he mumbles, scrambling off the bed.

"Stay Phil," Peej pleads. Even when inebriated, his friend seems to have sensed that Phil's picked up on something. "It's early, it's... It's not even midnight!"

They make eye contact, two childhood friends, and Phil finds his suspicions do not waver; instead they grow in strength.

He feels awkward. Things were easier when it was just him and Peej.

Now PJ has got Chris - whatever's going on _there_ \- and Phil's not exactly got Dan, not in the way he used to have PJ at least.

He stays, but only because Chris says he will cry if he doesn't, and knowing him, he's not bluffing.

 

**-**

He's going to leave at 2 AM, that's what they all agreed on in the end. Phil may or may not be sitting there, counting down the minutes, feeling more tired by the second, because this is the least fun he's ever had around PJ.

Chris is obviously, _clearly_ after something. PJ, Phil can't really say. But really? Peej? He's only ever liked-

 _Knock knock_.

"What?! We'll tone it down! Relax!" Chris screams upon hearing the sound, assuming someone's come to tell them off for being too noisy.

Phil sighs, finding himself the most sober of the three (although not sober _at all_ ), and gets up to open the door and apologize to whoever is standing there. Chris singing _Hit Me Baby One More Time_ may have been a bit too much, even in a building filled with uni students.

But no, instead of an angry fellow student he finds his very own Dan, standing there with hands stuffed into the pockets of his skinny jeans, a very amused expression on his face.

"Is this the _party_ you tried to invite me to, Phil?" Dan asks, sneaking past a surprised Phil. "Sounds like a total blast."

"Er, hi Dan," Phil mumbles when he regains his voice, then adds, "PJ, you know Dan. Dan, meet Chris."

"Hey man! Sit down!" PJ says, all smiles.

"You're Phil's mysterious roommate!" Chris shouts excitedly. Phil begins to wonder if the man ever speaks at a normal volume, but he figures that even if it _does_ happen, it's most definitely not happening tonight.

Phil motions towards the bed he's been occupying for the past hours, picks up a beer and hands it to Dan, and only then does he hesitate.

"You're okay to drink, right?" he asks with worry.

Dan plops down on the bed beside him and accepts the can of beer. A fleeting, but pleasant, comforting sensation fills him at the thought that there will now be _two_ people third wheeling here, not just himself.

"I did not, in fact, grow up in a cave," Dan dismisses, "And I'm not thirteen."

"How old are you?" Chris immediately asks.

"He's eighteen," PJ answers immediately, then looks at Phil in embarrassment. "I, er, Phil told me. Just wanted to help."

His friend's superior social graces melt away under alcohol and cute boys named Chris, apparently.

"Eighteen? You look way younger, mate! You look like, I don't know, fourteen? Good genes coming straight from your dear mum, ey? Is she as good lookin' as you are?"

Dan shoots Phil a look, wordlessly asking _Really?_

Phil nods and shrugs, conveying an agreement as well as an apology, or so he hopes. Dan doesn't respond to Chris, opting to stare at the pair of them with a small frown.

"Dan, you should've come sooner. Chris is way uh, _friendlier_   when sober," PJ says, shooting stray glances at both Dan and Phil.

"Seems friendly enough right now."

"Oh yeah, I'm _very_ friendly," Chris agrees eagerly. "I'm like, the friendliest bloke in the world."

"Is that why you asked me if my mom is hot?"

Dan's already finished his drink and is helping himself to another one. Phil's befuddled brain tells him that perhaps, inviting Dan, three years his junior, wasn't the best idea.

It wouldn't be the first bad idea he's had in his life.

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

"Dan. Dan, come on. Five more steps. Or seven at the most. Dan?"

It's five in the morning when Phil drags Dan to their room, hoping nobody's awake yet to hear them, or worse, _see_ them in that state. 

They've had too much to drink, and Dan, to Phil's complete surprise, has done a far better job interacting with PJ and even Chris than Phil himself had managed throughout the entire night. He wasn't like the Dan he has gotten to know so far. Dan was talkative. Dan made a lot of jokes. Dan laughed out loud. At the beginning of the night, Dan hated Chris. By the end of it, they were the best of friends. Well, right after Chris and PJ, apparently. As the night went on, Chris got a little more handsy with Peej and Phil had witnessed things he didn't wish to think of right now.

 

Dan sat beside Phil on the bed the whole time. Whenever Phil turned to look at the boy, all he could see were dimples, cheeks tinted a subtle shade of pink, sparkling brown eyes that looked his way every so often, softening as they met his.

 

Phil deems the night to be a bittersweet disaster as he hauls Dan onto the bed, makes sure to lay him on the side and covers him with a blanket. He even leaves him a glass of water on the nightstand.

Twenty minutes later, Phil lies there in the darkness, staring at Dan from across the room, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathes calmly in his sleep.

He doesn't know what to think. With him, Dan is sometimes quiet, doing his own thing. When they talk or do something together, their time is filled with jokes, teasing, banter. There are wide grins and mutual enjoyment, he muses, but it's not the same as it was tonight. Dan was at least ten times as outgoing as Phil could ever hope to be.

Then there are times when Dan disappears without warning, and he never once tells him where he's been.

Who _is_ Dan, really?

Sleep overtakes him before he even comes close to cracking the mystery; but he didn't expect anything else, after all.

 

 

**~~~~~**

Phil's head is _throbbing_. That was about five beers and a few shots too many.

Well, maybe _more_ than five.

He scours his pillow for the phone he's sure to have left there last night, and checks the time upon finding it.

4 PM. Phil is royally, completely, truly _fucked_. He's never going to be able to wake up in time for class tomorrow morning.

He makes a noise that could classify as a moan, but sadly, it's entirely unrelated to pleasure; it's just the spinning of his head, the mist before his eyes. He needs a shower, a toothbrush, some breakfast...

...Maybe not that last one, he hurriedly corrects himself. He's feeling nauseous. But he's done this before, even if not too often; imagine how Dan, who is younger and likely less acquainted with alcohol, must be feeling right now?

He'd better check on him, he thinks.

Phil expects Dan to either be sleeping or not be in the room at all, and when he first glances towards the boy's bed, he deems his first guess to be correct.

 

It's only then that he notices the shaking and hears the first muffled, broken sob echo through the room.

 

"Dan?" he calls immediately, putting his feet down on the carpet and crossing the two steps that separate him from Dan's bed. "Dan?" he repeats, standing right beside him now.

Dan hasn't moved since Phil spoke, but from where he stands, he can see the phone that the boy is clutching tightly. He can also see that his face is red, stained with drying tears.

"Go away," Dan mumbles, burrowing his head in the pillow.

"What's wrong?" Phil insists, "Dan, are you okay?"

"Do I look fucking okay? Just leave me be, Phil!"

 "No," Phil protests strongly, "I'm not leaving you like this. Talk to me, Dan."

Dan remains quiet for a few minutes. Phil sits at the foot of his bed, in what little space there is, and waits.

"Dan?" he tries after some time.

"I _told you_ to go away."

"I'm not going anywhere until you're feeling better," he says earnestly, and perhaps it's that honesty, the unmasked care that seeps through his voice, that prompts Dan to sit up and look Phil in the eye.

The boy looks absolutely wrecked. Hair a complete mess, eyes red, face swollen from sleep, or maybe - and Phil doesn't even want to think it, but it could be - from crying.

Phil's heart stutters for a moment as he finds himself at a loss for words.

 

"I'm alright, okay? I'm _fine_. Will you please go now?"

"Dan, I'm your friend!" he says and he suddenly feels stupid for only pondering it the previous night. _Of course_ they're friends. Or at the very least, Phil wants to be a friend for Dan. "Tell me, what's happened? What's wrong? Are you feeling ill?"

The flurry of questions seems to have the opposite effect, as Dan starts tearing up again, and Phil feels horrible, he really does, and he doesn't know what to do.

 

In this situation, he does the only thing that feels right - he simply leans forward and wraps his arms around the boy, holding him tight, half-expecting to be pushed away and yelled at, any second now.

Only, Dan doesn't do any of it.

The boy freezes; the sobs cease for a moment, as does all movement. Phil thinks Dan doesn't even breathe for those few seconds.

However, when that initial moment of shock passes, Dan melts into the embrace, not returning it, but allowing Phil to hold him in place as he slowly calms down.

"I'm your friend, Dan," Phil whispers, his chin somewhere close to Dan's messy mop of hair. "It's okay. I'm here."

 

"I'm here," he repeats. _And I'll be here_ , he adds, but only in his thoughts.

Some things don't need to be said out loud to be heard perfectly well.


	5. Making Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to break this newfound tradition - thank you SO much for your overwhelmingly nice comments, for your kudos, bookmarks, everything. I work a lot and don't have a lot of time to write, but thanks to you all I actually WANT to even if I'm tired - and I love that! Please let me know if you enjoyed this chapter, it motivates me to keep going!  
> We're picking up right where we left off in chapter 4!

Nighttime slips through the curtains, sneaking inside their tiny flat like an unwelcome, uninvited guest. Shadows grow longer and more bizarre, creating strange patterns all over the room before at last melding into the dark surroundings. Sunlight can be scarce in England at the best of times, and they're closing in on November - it's not going to get much brighter for a while yet.

They're on the bed, nearly motionless. Dan is breathing soundly and Phil eventually stops asking _what's wrong, what happened, are you okay?_ , because the boy gives him no answer. However, he does not attempt to push Phil away, and that in itself is a small victory.

Dan remains there, letting Phil's chin rest atop his head and accepting the way the older boy rubs comforting circles across his shirt-clad back. Quiet sobs slowly die down into ragged breaths, which also settle over time; silence falls between the two of them for what feels like hours.

It's definitely not that long. But how long exactly? Phil doesn't know. He just holds the boy close, somehow sensing that words are not what he needs right now.

 

Hugs aren't odd for Phil. He likes to hug people, he actually wishes he had someone in his life whom he could hug _just because_ , for no particular reason. A platonic friend, even. Him and Peej almost never hug, and _definitely_ never like this.

He missed having someone to hold. He's hardly ever thought that he'd end up holding _Dan_ of all people, but however short their acquaintance, Phil's already learned to expect everything and nothing all at once.

Phil closes his eyes and tries not to think of what may have brought those tears on, but he knows that his resolve was set to fail before it started. He can't possibly help it, can't stop his mind from wandering in that direction, not when Dan was so miserable just moments before.

Some people get emotional when they drink, he reasons with himself. Maybe Dan just doesn't handle his liquor all too well. However, they're no longer drunk, just hungover - at least he knows that he is. Then again, that can bring out tears, too.

Dan was clutching his phone; perhaps something upset him? A text, a message, a photo? What could it be about? Phil knows nothing of Dan's personal life, so he only thinks of the generic reasons: family problems, girlfriend issues (if he has one)...

Perhaps something had happened while Phil was asleep?

All of his theories seem equally daft, but it's the best he's got, and he doesn't want to dwell on it anymore, doesn't want to allow his mind to create even more unrealistic scenarios, when only Dan could possibly tell him the truth.

He lets out a deep breath that dips into a forlorn sigh. He worries about Dan, but oddly enough, finds himself feeling calm at the same time. With the boy right here, he feels like he has the smallest bit of influence on the unfolding events - a sensation he does not often experience; Phil, while responsible by nature, is seldom in full charge of significant events in his life.

 

Upon hearing him sigh, Dan finally twitches and slowly moves away. Phil, although reluctant to do so, lets him go the moment he realizes that he should.

"Dan, what's the matter?" Phil tries again softly.

Dan's eyes seek out his in the darkness that envelops their room. His expression is difficult to read, but Phil is certain there is no hostility to be found in the boy's countenance.

"I won't tell you. I _can't_ to tell you. I... It's..." he drifts off. "It's fine now. I'm _fine_."

A dull pang of disappointment stabs Phil in the chest, lightly, almost like a shot he didn't want to take.

"I'm not going to pressure you," he says at last, "But it might help to talk about it, you know."

Dan smiles; a smile so sad that Phil's heart clenches at the mere sight of it.

"It won't, but thanks." He clears his throat. "What you did, um, for me. I appreciate that. Really, Phil, I - um, thanks."

Dan's eyes drift downwards somewhere mid-speech. They remain very close, with Phil's hand still reassuringly grasping Dan's shoulder. They speak in hushed whispers even though there is no need to be quiet.

Phil smiles through his own sadness, but Dan doesn't see it, eyes fixed on the blanket that covers his lap.

"Don't thank me. I'm your friend, Dan. I want to be there for you."

Dan's previously solemn expression brightens ever so slightly. He wipes at his eyes to remove the remnants of tears, still looking everywhere but at Phil.

"No you're not," the boy protests weakly, and Phil knows better than to feel slighted.

"I am," he says simply, unswayed.

Dan finally meets his gaze, brown eyes boring into his with an unexpected intensity.  Phil has never seen him looking more vulnerable than this, strangely exposed, uncertain and nervous.

"You are?"

"Of course," Phil replies without missing a beat, then stutters, "That is, if you'll want, I mean."

His roommate offers him a ghost of a smile and shrugs. "I guess we can try," he says simply.

"Alright."

"Yeah."

 

They don't go to sleep that night; a fact that is not surprising, considering they woke up at 4PM. They also don't talk about what's been bothering Dan, but they both _think_ about it. 

When it's time to go to class, they leave the room and walk to campus together, until they have to go their separate ways - they study vastly different subjects, after all.

Phil watches as Dan walks away, already thinking of the moment when he sees the boy again.

 

 

**~~~~~**

 

Phil correlates the next few weeks with spring, even though that time of the year is still months and months away.

Why? Because it feels as though something new has just begun, _that's_ why.

From the second week, he noticed that he and Dan just _click_. They get along and share a lot of the same interests. Even so, there are still barriers in place - mostly when it comes to Dan, but Phil himself is guilty of not being very open with people he doesn't know well, too.

Somehow, after that horrific afternoon which they both spoke of no more, it feels as though something's different. Some of the walls seem to slowly wither and fall under the mutual understanding that yes, they're friends now, not roommates stuck with no other option to choose from.

 

And Phil is... Phil's _perfectly_ _content_ with that.

 

-

 

Sometime during one of Dan's mysterious disappearances, Phil films a video about bad habits. He names a few of his that he's known of from before, and also mentions one that he's only been told of by Dan - scattering his socks everywhere.

"I mean, I suppose I used to do it before, but no one's ever told me! And Dan always manages to find a sock or two on his side of the room. I don't know how I even do it. It's not like I throw them around on purpose."

At this, he films a slight bit of Dan's side of the room and throws his sock on the carpet there, whispering, "Go forth, my child!"

He edits the video and uploads it, then instead of studying, he reads the reactions of his subscribers.

 

_CAN U PLS MAKE A VIDEO WITH THIS DAN PERSON BCUZ I RLY NEED IT_

_Hey Phil! Love your vids! Is Dan ever going to make one too?_

_stop throwing ur socks at him jfc put him on camera instead ok_

_PHIL PLEASE W ENEED DAN PLEASEE?????//_

Phil chuckles lightly, because it's not the first time he sees such comments. In fact, they're a regular thing on nearly every video he's made ever since he announced having a new roommate. And he _does_ consider it, really. Because Dan is either being extremely nice about it, or he's genuinely interested in his videos and truly enjoys them. He brings them up and quotes them back to him and Phil wonders if he wouldn't like to make one of his own.

 

Dan comes back just as Phil is falling asleep, effectively preventing it.

"Sorry," his roommate mumbles, "Didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," Phil protests, even though he sort of did.

He watches as Dan takes off his jacket, carelessly throws it on the floor, then sits down on the bed and rubs his face tiredly.

"Where have you been?" Phil asks, already knowing that it's rather pointless to try.

Dan eyes him for a moment, real thoughts slipping through his facade, then smirks. "On a mission to Mars. Brought you some local delicacies." He then proceeds to throw a bag of alien-shaped Haribo right in Phil's face.

Phil sits up, knowing he's not likely to sleep anytime soon now, even though it's well past midnight. He nods appreciatively, both at Dan and his newly acquired bag of candy, too tired to press on.

"Saw your new vid while on the tube," Dan comments, "I liked it. And you should go to therapy for the sock thing, really. There's got to be someone out there who can help you."

Phil is still not used to anybody aside from PJ giving him commentary on his videos. YouTube is not something he often mentions to people. He's told as few people as he possibly could, and those who know don't watch his videos as soon as they come out.

A blush creeps up his neck all the way up to his cheeks, but Dan can't see it; their room is quite dark, after all.

"Did you read the comments on it, by any chance?" Phil asks before he changes his mind.

Dan shoots him a surprised look and says, "Yeah?"

"What do you think?"

"Of what? Me joining you for a video?"

"Well yeah," he admits.

He doesn't know why he feels so irrationally nervous, as if it's _important_. He supposes it's because his viewers really, _really_ want to see Dan and he doesn't want to disappoint them, but deep down he knows that's not all there is to it.

Phil looks at Dan, finding the boy wide-eyed and ecstatic for a brief moment before he gets his own emotions in line. Phil's heart stutters at how endearing it is; something he's witnessed before, Dan fully opening up and then sweeping it all under the carpet to maintain whatever image he's got going on.

"I think that'd be cool, yeah," Dan says nonchalantly. Phil stifles a laugh, because he can tell the boy really likes the idea of it.

"Reckon we could do a bit of a Q&A," Phil muses, "Been a while since I've done one. But this one could be for you, too! My subscribers liked you before even knowing what you look like." It's not an exaggeration, if the comments, tweets, posts on Tumblr and what not are anything to go by.

"Where are we gonna get the questions from?" Dan asks.

"From here!" Phil exclaims and pulls out his phone. He then sends out a tweet, _Doing a Q &A with my roommate Dan! Send me questions and tag them with #AskPhilAndDan!_

As soon as the message is sent into the void of the internet, Dan's phone beeps. The boy jumps at the sound, shuffling through his pocket to silence the thing before the entire tone rings out.

Phil looks at him incredulously, and Dan meets his look with a careless shrug, even if his eyes betray him.

"I got a text," he explains weakly.

Phil nods and smiles, already resolved to look through his Twitter followers after Dan goes to bed.

"So when are we doing this thing?" Dan asks after a moment of silence.

"Well," Phil says as he checks his phone, "We've already got a bunch of questions. Could do it tomorrow after class, if you like?"

His flatmate's expression falls as he shakes his head. "Can't tomorrow. I could do Thursday?"

"What are you doing tomorrow?" Phil asks without thinking. Dan never tells him, he never replies.

"Stuff," Dan dismisses.

Phil stares at him, suddenly feeling sad without being able to pinpoint the exact reasons behind it. "Does it have anything to do with why you got so upset the other night?"

With that, he breaks an unspoken agreement. They weren't supposed to talk about it.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, one does things that are entirely unplanned.

The boy looks away, breaking eye-contact almost immediately, and lets out a long sigh.

"I guess yeah, in a way, but not _really_ ," Dan replies, and while it's more than Phil had hoped for, it still doesn't make any sense to him.

Phil just wants to comfort him. Whatever is bothering Dan, Phil can see it in his eyes every single day, even if he's only really witnessed the true aftermath of it once. But once is more than enough for a _lifetime_ , Phil thinks.

He gets up, crosses the room and sits down next to Dan, the boy's gaze following him the whole time.

Tentatively, he breaches the little barrier of personal space and wraps an arm around Dan's shoulders, pulling him in for a quick side hug, resolved to move his arm away if Dan doesn't want him near.

However, Dan gives no indication of wanting Phil to stop, so he leaves it there, looking into his eyes with so many questions, wanting so many answers, while still knowing better than to try and force him.

"I just want you to remember that I'm here," Phil says softly, "I mean, I'm not exactly the best problem solver in the world, but I've solved a couple of mine... Once or twice, in math class," he jokes to lighten the atmosphere and feels oddly pleased when he's rewarded with a smile.

"That was _really_ lame, Phil," Dan mocks, stirring up a chuckle from somewhere within Phil's chest.

"No it wasn't! I thought it was clever!"

"Lame with a really tiny side of clever."

Phil muses over it for a moment and then says, "Fine, I'll take it."

Dan, with an amused expression, remarks that they should probably go to sleep. Phil's arm drops back to his side and he nods, bidding the boy good night as he goes back to his side of the room.

Phil doesn't know about Dan, but he doesn't fall asleep until an hour before having to leave for class (when he wakes up, he both loves and hates his alarm for being on time). He does, however, use the sleepless night to scour his Twitter followers for someone that could be Dan.

It takes a considerable amount of time, but in the end, he finds a _danisnotonfire_ , suppresses a laugh at the nickname and presses _Follow_ without a second thought.

 

~~~~~

 

Plans are one thing, but when Thursday rolls around, neither of them seem to feel like doing anything much at all after coming back from class. Dan's got a headache, he says, and Phil feels as heavy as a bag of rocks - he's not been getting his beauty sleep as of late, at least not in the quantities which he finds preferable.

Just two weeks back, Phil would tiptoe around Dan to try and figure out if he wants to hang out, but lately, it's been more of a given than a thing to ask for. They're both still somewhat shy in the way they interact with each other and Dan has his quiet moments, but most of their free time is still spent together, not just next to each other. They make plans and  _don't_ make plans and still end up hanging out.

Once they agree on postponing the filming of their joint video, Dan suggests going to Louise's and playing some video games. Phil is completely fine with that, so they venture down to the 5th floor and knock on the door without ceremony, soon to be greeted by Louise, who is wearing a loose shirt, leggings, and has her hair pulled up in a loose bun.

Louise, in Phil's honest opinion, is likely one of the most lovely people on the face of the planet. Her locks are pink and golden, her eyes are big and blue, and her heart is twice the size of London. He doesn't see much of her, but he admires what little of her he knows.

"Oh, it's you two again! I'd have assumed you've come to spend some time with _me_ , but I know you're here for my gorgeous TV!" Louise exclaims, letting them both in with a smile.

"Hey Lou," Dan says, pulling her in for a hug.

Phil is stupid to wonder why that's never happened to _him_. Dan has certainly known Louise for a longer amount of time; it's not a surprise that Phil doesn't get those _hello_ hugs. It's also not a thing that often takes place between male friends, he muses.

"Sit down, I'll go down to the kitchen and fix you some tea. I know you wanna play your games, but not before catching up with me!" Louise chirps, running out of the room with 3 mugs in hand, while Phil briefly wonders how she's going to bring them back once they're all filled up.

They both sit down, but before long, Dan starts up the game without even asking Louise if it's okay.

"Dan!" Phil chastises, "She said she wanted to catch up with you first!"

"It's alright," Dan dismisses, "I've known Lou for ages. She doesn't mind. I let her use my laptop sometimes."

"How _wude_ ," Phil teases, mimicking Jar Jar Binks from the first _Star Wars_ movie.

Dan winces and rolls his eyes, but then brightens as an idea occurs to him. "We _have_ to marathon _Star Wars_ this weekend. Can't have you go around quoting Jar Jar for much longer. A re-watch will remind you of all the reasons why you hate him."

Phil grins and eagerly agrees. "Yeah, and then we should finish _X 1999_. It's an amazing anime!"

"Sounds like a plan." Dan grins at him, then hands him the controller. "Go on then, are we playing or not?"

"Wait for Loui-" Phil starts, but then Lou arrives, mugs of tea in hand and a pack of biscuits carefully balanced on her elbow. She even manages to shut the door with her foot.

"Oi! I said wait for me! Phil, tell me you did _not_ agree to this," she cries while pointing at Dan once she's set everything down on the desk.

"I _completely_ didn't agree to this," Phil hastily explains while Dan shoots him a betrayed look. "What? I told you not to!"

"You were the one telling me to start it up in the first place!" Dan lies badly, trying to maintain a serious expression. "It's all _your_ fault."

"Look who's talking, the one who was all _it's alright, I let her borrow my laptop sometimes!_ "

"Well I let _you_ use my DS the other night, but guess what's not going to happen again, you big loser," Dan says, no longer able to keep his face straight.

And when Phil sees him smile so big, he can't help but smile too. He shoves the boy playfully and is shoved right back, with the controller stuck under his rib, and it _hurts_ but it also doesn't really matter.

"You two, I swear," Louise complains while shaking her head, but she's grinning as well. "You're like two six foot tall children."

"Dan's the child. I'm a proper adult now."

" _Of course_ you are, Phil. Just make sure you don't tell anybody else, they might have you locked up for your lunacy," Dan quips, taking a sip of his excessively sugary tea.

"I might be better off. Living with you is terribly bad for my health."

"That's 'cos you're an old man, _existing_ is bad for your health."

"Dan! You do realize I'm the same age as Phil is, right?" Louise chimes in, slapping Dan's hand playfully.

Phil doesn't recall telling her his age, but he figures she must've heard it somewhere.

"Yes, Lou, but Phil is a disaster, and you're a lovely creature!" Dan exclaims in the sweetest voice Phil's ever heard coming from the boy.

"Nice save," Phil comments. "Ow! What'd you do that for?" he cries as he rubs his ankle, freshly kicked by his roommate.

"Why ever not?"

"Be nice, or I will have to _kill you_."

"You can't even beat me at _Mario Kart_ , Phil. I somehow doubt you'd do any better in real life."

At this, Phil makes the most dangerous face he can possibly muster, and Dan laughs, swiftly grabbing Louise's pillow and smacking Phil with it.

They don't even get to play anything that night; too preoccupied with silly, entirely pointless banter, and when Phil's eyes at some point meet Louise's, her face is lit up by a knowing, kind smile that Phil can't figure out the meaning of.

  

~~~~~

 

He doesn't truly realize how entwined their lives had become until PJ brings up a subject that Phil should have expected, but completely forgot about.

 

It's the beginning of December. They're walking the halls of their Uni, bumping into all sorts of students around every corner. Phil's having his lunch break, and as PJ has a one hour window between classes, it seems like the perfect time to hang out. They take their seats in the crowded cafeteria and begin catching up.

Phil still hasn't asked his friend about the whole thing with Chris, assuming that it'd be better to wait until Peej mentions it himself. However, when PJ does say something, it's nowhere near what Phil had in mind.

"We've got exams soon," Peej says in between bites of pasta.

Phil lets out a whiny noise. He hasn't exactly been studying _a lot_.

"Don't remind me. We've still got a week."

PJ chuckles and then looks at Phil intently.

"And it's the end of the term, too."

The words hang in the air until Phil picks up on their meaning.

 _Of course_. They were supposed to swap from the next term, to go back to sharing a room as they did before this whole mess up had happened to them.

He stops chewing, not wanting to disturb his heart, which is steadily racing its' way up his throat.

Right.

"Yeah, I - completely blanked that. Of course the second term is coming up."

"What are we doing? Are we swapping?" PJ asks with a degree of uncertainty seeping into his voice.

_Well, of course we are!_

That is what he _plans_ to say, but he doesn't. He looks at his best friend, and sitting here across the table from him, it seems clear as day that they should go back to their previous arrangement. That was the idea; that was the thought that kept Phil going for quite some time, when Dan was a bit difficult and Phil was rather daft.

Peej is everything that is familiar in Phil's life. Like a second brother that he's never had. Living with him means filming whenever he pleases, not worrying about stray socks, always having some plans for the evening and having someone he can talk to about pretty much anything.

Living with Dan is, to be fair, a bit of a mess, and while Phil likes his living spaces messy, he doesn't like his living _arrangements_ to be that way. He likes to go by routine and to know what to expect from his surroundings.

Dan proves again and again that Phil can never know exactly what to expect. Logic says they should swap back as soon as they can. Phil could continue this new, budding friendship, without having to share the same room every single day; it might even be better that way, honestly.

If that is the case, why is it such a difficult question for him to answer? Why is there no instinct telling him to say _bloody hell, yes_ when asked?

"I think-" he starts, but is immediately cut off by PJ.

"I think we should just leave it for this year," PJ blurts out, looking at Phil with something akin to panic in his eyes.

Phil's eyes widen, because he expected a _I think we should swap, let's do it_ , not this. It's all he can do not to drop his fork.

"I mean, if you and me swap, Chris and Dan end up in one room, right? That'd be quite  _disastrous_."

Phil can't possibly deny the truth of that statement.

"And I, well, I-" Peej stutters hopelessly.

"You like Chris?" Phil asks, meeting PJ's eyes and carefully watching the transformation - flustered, embarrassed, finally _relieved_.

"I know it's _completely_ ridiculous," PJ admits, "I always knew there was - you know - I knew that I _could_ \- but it was never like _this_."

Phil gives PJ a warm smile, vividly recalling coming out to him all those years ago and how PJ had been nothing but great about it.

"I know how you feel, and I'm happy for you. And I'm here for you," he assures, "And you're right, we should stay as we are. Especially if you are getting somewhere with your psycho roommate."

His friend grins from ear to ear. "Thanks, Phil."

"Keep me posted on your progress, will you?"

"You'll be the first to know."

The rest of their meal goes by in companionable silence, one that is often shared by two people who know one another so well.

 

-

 

That night, Phil stays at the library until quite late. He's got to get serious about his upcoming exams, he thinks, so he studies until the lady at the counter tells him to leave so that she can lock up already, muttering something about overeager children.

As he walks back to the dorms, shivering from the cold, he receives a text.

 

**_Dan_ **

**_where the f are u_ **

**_ive been waiting all evening with the latest episode of TWD_ **

**_im bored_ **

****

Phil chuckles lightly. He's almost there, but he replies anyway.

 

_Phil_

_I'm almost home!! Don't watch it without me!!_

He hesitates before sending it, wondering if he should correct himself; _almost back, almost there, almost at the dorms_... Anything else than  _home_.

Phil shakes his head and sends the text after five seconds with no further corrections.


	6. Counting Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, thank you _so_ much. Your response to this fic has been amazing! I'm trying to post as often as I can, but with all the overtime I'm doing at work, weekends are my safest bet.

Phil is starting to doubt his own (rather questionable to begin with) sanity, because he feels like a child on Christmas Day, and it's _the middle of exam week_.

The day has finally come around. After rescheduling time and time again, not feeling like it, getting stuck watching anime and what not, him and Dan are about to film the video they'd been planning for two weeks now.

He sets out all the equipment while Dan sits on the bed, watching him intently, asking about things here and there with unmasked interest.

"Right, do you have the thing?" he asks, running a checklist in his mind - lightning's fine, camera's up, even Dan's here as promised. He's ready.

"Yup," Dan says, holding up a piece of paper. Phil can't make out anything that Dan's written on it, but he hopes that these are, in fact, questions from his subscribers.

He involved Dan in picking them out and they ended up with some of the most random, pointless things in the history of YouTube, as well as a few normal ones for Dan - since his viewers don't know the boy at all.

"Let's go then!" Phil exclaims and then advises Dan to just _go with it_ and not worry about how it'll look like on camera.

"Wait, how do I start?" Dan intercepts Phil's motion towards starting up the camera.

"Just say hi or anything you like," Phil advises.

Dan rolls his eyes. "I mean like, what would be _interesting_?"

Phil smiles at his roommate; a warm, content thing.

"Anything that feels natural, really. Don't worry about it. It shows on camera if you do."

Dan looks entirely unconvinced, but nods anyway.

"Ready?"

"Sure," Dan confirms, and then leans forward to press _record_.

 

-

 

"Hey guys!"

"Hello, Internet."

"So you've been asking me to let you all meet Dan..." Phil pauses, and Dan instinctively knows that he should fill in.

"And here I am! I'm Dan."

"I thought this would be a good opportunity to do a bit of a Q&A, but Dan's written the questions in hieroglyphics that I can't decipher," Phil whines, pushing the piece of paper into the camera for the world to (briefly) see.

"Right, so in case you've been wondering, apparently Phil missed his _how to read_ class back in primary school," Dan teases with a grin in Phil's direction.

Phil notices a difference between the two of them very quickly - while he stares at the camera even when addressing Dan, Dan does the opposite - keeps his eyes glued to him throughout it all. He pins it as nervousness and goes with it, wanting the video not to appear staged or scripted.

"So Dan," Phil prompts, looking directly at the boy for a change. "Who _are_ you?"

Dan pulls a thoughtful face, and only now that Phil is actually staring in his direction, does he notice the faint hint of a blush on his cheeks.

"I'm the guy that, by some unfortunate series of events, ended up having to start living with you. Seriously, I'm just counting down the days until we're done here."

Phil bursts into laughter while Dan's stifling an outburst of his own.

"Hey! It's not _that_ bad!" he protests, nudging Dan with his elbow.

"It's getting there rather fast," Dan argues, turning to the camera with a playful smirk. "This guy... You lot idolize him, but he's quite _horrible_. He eats my food, he trashes my room, he nearly broke my laptop, he-"

Dan doesn't get to go on, because Phil lets out a squeaky, not-very-manly noise of utter indignation and places his palm over Dan's mouth, effectively preventing him from speaking.

A few frames are filled with them play fighting (which ends with Phil getting a pillow to the face) until they eventually get back into the swing of things and Phil defends himself properly.

"I'll have you know that Dan is a big liar," Phil says to the camera. "First of, I don't eat his food. Well, not usually... And if I do I buy it back. _His_ room is also my room." He pauses, shooting Dan a meaningful glare. "And it's pretty trashed by the _both_ of us. As for your laptop, I didn't do it! I was saving it from certain death!"

Dan rolls his eyes, unable to conceal the grin that's been planted firmly across his face since the start of the video. "Of course you were, because putting it on the bloody space heater is the best way to dry it off after you spill Ribena on it?"

"Dan takes his laptops very seriously. He needs them for _all sorts_ of things," Phil comments with a wink in the viewers' direction.

"What was that? Please _do not_ wink ever again."

They're both laughing stupidly at nothing in particular, but neither finds it all that daft; Phil is just enjoying himself. He always likes doing things for his YouTube channel, and he's done a couple collabs of sorts, but this is a new level of _fun_ \- and Dan's as inexperienced as it gets when it comes to making videos, so it should be at least a little bit awkward, but it's really not. It's like Dan instinctively knows what to do, how to react, what to say, even without ever having done this before.

"We've gone _way_ off track," he comments, knowing that he will cut this bit out. Dan nods through his laughing fits and schools his features a little, then looks down at the list.

"Right, so, Phil. First question, sent in by KatiE987: Why is the sky _red_?"

Phil raises a brow and replies, "Because you're Sauron."

"Who's Sauron? Me or Katie?"

"You, clearly."

" _I'm_ Sauron? Are you saying I'm just this gigantic, bloodshot, fiery eye?"

"Fine, you're not Sauron, you're Gollum."

"So's your mum."

"That's very grown up of you, Dan," Phil remarks.

"Thanks," Dan shoots back with a degree of self-satisfaction. He then screams right into Phil's unprepared ear, "NEXT! Would you rather _be_ a cow or marry a cow?"

Phil raises a finger up to his chin and tries to carry off a look of deep contemplation. "I'd _be_ a cow, definitely. I'd spend all my time just hugging myself and admiring my own beauty."

Dan's eyes travel towards the camera as he lets out a theatrical sigh.

"Phil the hugging cow," Dan sums up, "There's an image to get you by on a lonely night."

They both look at one another at the same time and Phil's eyes meet Dan's. He stares into the pools of brown for a moment long enough to be cut out of the video, and observes the little crinkles in the corner of the boy's eyes, his exhilarated smile and colored cheeks.

He can't help but smile back, a wide grin that nearly makes his face hurt.

 

The next hour or so is filled with back and forth banter and a slow drudge through their list of questions. Slow, because they keep getting sidetracked.

Dan seems a little shy or disinterested in answering the questions that relate to himself, but he is more than happy to ask things and poke fun at Phil's replies. Their conversation flows naturally, and at some point Phil realizes he no longer cares about the video, he's just having a good time with his flatmate.

Once they're done, they get some lunch and then Phil walks Dan through the whole process of editing the video, deciding what to keep and what to throw out. They have almost two hours of footage that needs to be cut down considerably, so editing the whole thing takes the entire evening.

After they're both satisfied with the end result, Phil hands Dan the laptop so that he can be the one to press _upload_.

 

-

 

When Phil gets up the next morning, he finds that the video is a whopping success. His social media accounts are buried underneath a flurry of overexcited comments, and the video itself has a whole lot more views than his content usually gets in such a short amount of time.

Of course, the first thing he wants to do is show Dan, but Dan's still asleep, _again_. As of late, if not for Phil, the boy would likely never make it to class even remotely on time, or at least that's what Phil believes to be true.

"Dan! Daaan!" he shouts impatiently from his side of the room, and when all he gets in reply is _No_ , he drags himself out of bed and nudges the his roommate into a more awake state. "Get up!"

"Fuck off," Dan says sleepily, without malice, burying his head into the pillow.

"Our video got a _bazillion_ comments!" Phil exclaims, and Dan immediately turns to look at him, wide-eyed.

"It did?" the boy asks carefully, as if Phil is lying to him.

"Haven't you checked before going to sleep? I could hear you were up late."

A ghost of a smile graces Dan's face as he admits, "No way in hell. I was too scared of what your subscribers would say." After a brief pause, he adds, "And it's _your_ video, not _our_ video."

"We made it together, it's yours too! Now look," Phil demands, handing Dan the phone so that he too can scroll through some comments.

Dan sits up, pulling his duvet aside, and only then does Phil realize that his roommate is actually shirtless.

His gaze pauses for a moment before flitting away, and when Dan's mind catches up with Phil's, he hurriedly pulls up his blanket and mumbles a _sorry_ , turning his full attention to the phone in hand.

" _I loved this and I'm FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY_ ," Dan quotes, eyebrows raised, a surprised expression on his face. " _You two need to make more videos together!_ \- double exclamation mark," he continues in an awe.

Phil climbs onto Dan's bed and sits beside him, looking over his shoulder to read along.

" _Philip Lester, your roommate is adorable_ ," Phil reads, chuckling when he sees how flustered Dan appears to be. " _If you don't make more videos with this guy I'm coming to London and feeding you cheese_. Wow, Dan. Looks like you need to join me again, or I will literally _die_."

A burst of laughter slips past Dan's pursed lips, reverberating deep inside his chest, and Phil glances at him fondly. He recalls late September, when he first met the guy, marveling at the progress they've both made since then.

"We'll make another, right?" Phil asks after a brief pause.

"You'll want to?"

"Of course! My subscribers adore you, they'll skin me if I don't bring you back."

"Ah, in that case let's not," Dan teases, quick to find a witty remark even when half asleep.

Phil is about to try and shoot him down with a perfect quip of his own, but then he looks at the time on his phone and realizes he's got class in 10 minutes. Not only that, he's also got an _exam_ , one that he didn't study for as much as he should have. _Fantastic_.

"Bloody heck, I've got an exam in 10!" he shouts as he springs out of bed, quickly collecting random clothes from his desk, chair and bed.

"Bloody _heck_? Keeping it PG-13 there, Phil?" his roommate mocks, not moving an inch.

 "Don't you need have one today too?" Phil has the sense of mind to ask, despite the chaos and the hurry.

Dan visibly shrinks, letting out a long-suffering sigh.

"Well yeah, but I don't really feel like going."

Phil freezes and stares at the boy as if he's a complete oddity, an alien from a strange, irresponsible planet where the citizens ignore important things in favor of sleeping. Then he walks over to Dan's bed, takes hold of the boy's bare arm and literally drags him out, despite loud, whiny protests of _but it's cold, I'm too tired_ and _I literally hate you_.

Dan, completely taken aback and sleepy, stumbles once his feet touch the carpet, but Phil steadies him, ignoring all the begrudging glances.

"Dan, you _can't_ skip your exams on your first year. That's Uni-suicide! Get dressed, you lazy bum!"

"You're a prick," Dan mumbles, grabbing the first pair of jeans he sees.

"I'm the nicest person ever," Phil disagrees, making sure Dan's looking in a different direction so that he can swap pyjama pants for jeans.

Phil's not very comfortable with changing in front of other people. Dan doesn't seem to have the same issue, he briefly observes, as he watches his roommate take off his sweatpants, leaving him only wearing boxers, only to put on a pair of skinny, disobedient jeans that refuse to go all the way up to where they should.

He shouldn't be looking, he realizes, he hates the idea of Dan catching him staring. The moment the thought appears in his mind, he hurriedly looks away, clears his throat, grabs his backpack and bolts out of the room with Dan in tow.

 

 

**~~~~~**

Exam week, like all other things, eventually comes to an end and is followed by what Phil thinks is likely his favorite time of the year - _Christmas break_.

Of course, Phil won't be spending it up at the dorms. He and PJ are leaving for Manchester tomorrow morning.

His roommate went out very early (of course, without telling Phil where he's going) and still hasn't come back as of the moment when late afternoon meets the evening, so Phil is killing time by packing and making sure he's got all the gifts he needs, all of them wrapped up and safe from harm.

He hasn't exactly asked Dan if he celebrates Christmas, but he figures that even if he doesn't, he likely won't _hate_ it, so he also takes the liberty of doing some minor decorating while he's alone.

He's got a golden, rather tacky, mini Christmas tree that now rests on his bedside table, he's also got some fairy lights that he, not without a fall or two, manages to hang right above their single, tiny window, illuminating the whole room. Lastly, he shuffles through his bag until he finds a figurine that his grandpa gave him when he was a little lad - a polar bear hugging Santa - and puts it next to Dan's bed, hoping his flatmate won't mind the intrusion. To be honest, being anywhere near the outside of his side of the room when Dan is not around feels like a terrible, depraved thing to do, even when he's not doing anything bad over there - a big contrast from how it used to be when he lived with Peej.

Once he's all out of things to do, he reaches inside his bag again and pulls out the tiny thing he's got for Dan. He knows, without a shade of doubt, that the gift will not be a miss. Dan is going to love it. Phil also knows that it's likely far too expensive a present to give to somebody you've known for what, soon four months? He knows, but he still couldn't resist getting it for him. Plus, with all the views from their joint video, he should be paying Dan actual money for their collab; he offered, but Dan was not having any of it.

He shifts the thing between his fingers, thinking of the many possible ways for Dan to react upon receiving this present. At the beginning of their acquaintance, _Dan-smiles_ , as Phil calls them, were scarce and not quite as wide as they are now. These days, they both make each other laugh on a nearly daily basis, but Phil still feels strangely _special_ when he manages to coax a smile out of his roommate. He expects this gift to cause exactly that - a genuine expression of happiness... Well, at least he _hopes_ so. He's leaving himself a little room for error, because Dan is rather unpredictable, as has been proven time and time again from their very first day.

PJ pops in at eight-thirty and they chat and make arrangements for tomorrow, but his visit does not last long, and by nine, Phil is alone again.

 

He'll ask Dan where he always disappears to, he will. And maybe this time, it will actually _work_.

 

-

 

Dan comes in at nine-thirty, visibly tired and under the weather. His hair is a tangled up mess, his eyes are missing the spark that Phil often finds in them if he looks hard enough, and he's shivering from the cold that he must have endured while outside.

At first, he only nods at Phil and turns to sit on his bed, but then stills and takes note of all of Phil's work: the fairy lights, the golden mini-tree, the polar bear near his bed. The boy then scoffs in disbelief, shakes his head and looks at Phil with a fond smile.

"Wow," Dan utters, letting out a huff. "Christmas of champions, huh?" he asks, voice breaking ever so slightly at the end of it.

Phil beams at him from the bed, sitting cross-legged with a book in his lap. "Figured we could have a little celebration before I leave! You don't hate it, do you?" he inquires, somewhat uncertainly.

As if someone flipped a switch, Dan's expression turns from joy to disappointment.

"You're _leaving_?"

"Well, obviously," Phil replies with a confused frown. "For Christmas break. I'm going up North tomorrow to see my parents. When are _you_ leaving?"

Dan says nothing for a while, as if deep in thought. Once he does finally respond, his expression is back to normal, neither excited nor upset.

"Oh, right, yeah. Um, tomorrow. Tomorrow evening."

"Well then, plenty of time to hang out," Phil says cheerily, choosing to pretend he didn't notice Dan's sudden change of countenance. "You look really cold. Want some tea?"

"'m fine, thanks," Dan dismisses, flopping down on the bed beside Phil, creating a large dent in the mattress.

Phil glances at his roommate, finding him staring at the fairy lights absently. Not for the first time, he wonders what exactly is on the boy's mind; so often he sees him lost in thought, but he also never has the courage to ask what Dan's thinking about. Their friendship is new and shaky and all kinds of tentative, Phil thinks, and he doesn't know where exactly Dan's boundaries lie. Until he does, he won't even try to push them.

"I got you something for Christmas," Phil says so quietly that it almost ends up in a whisper.

Dan looks at him in surprise. "You did?"

"Don't look so shocked!"

"Why not? I _am_ shocked. But I also _may_ have gotten you something too," Dan admits with a grin.

Phil completely didn't expect that to happen, and as a result, he stills for an instant and just looks at his roommate. However, when the realization sets in, they both dart to get their presents from their respective hidden spots, and then meet in the middle of the room to exchange gifts.

"Right. So, on the count of three, we show them to each other," Phil commands, keeping the package behind his back.

"That sounded _really_ wrong, Phil," Dan says, "But yeah, go on then."

"Three, two, one!" he exclaims really quickly, and shows Dan his present.

Phil's package is very small and very badly wrapped, even though he tried to be as neat as possible. Dan's present for Phil is much, much bigger, rectangle shaped and looks beautiful, black wrapping paper adorned by a red ribbon.

"You're not very good at gift wrapping, are you," Dan states with a smirk as he takes his present from Phil and hands over the one that he had bought for him.

"Not really, no," Phil concedes.

Instead of immediately opening up his present, he fights his own curiosity to look at Dan as he opens his. His eyes remain firmly planted on the boy's face, intently observing the way he reacts to the gift.

At first, there is confusion, quickly followed by disbelief, and at long last, Phil is not afraid to think, _happiness_. Dan lets out a surprised huff, bringing the thing closer to his face, fingers moving over it slowly in a motion that could almost be a caress.

"Are you serious, Phil? Tickets to see Muse?" Dan exclaims in a voice that is a pitch or two higher than usual. "Are you actually _serious_?"

Phil's heart swells as he looks at his roommate, no, his _friend_ , sees the way he's smiling real big, like he is filled with utter delight, and he knows that his gift was not a miss, but then again, he didn't expect it to be anything but a success.

He's fighting the urge to pull Dan into a spontaneous, unnecessary hug.

"Yup!"

For a moment, everything is still and quiet and their eyes are locked, a soft, knowing look shared by two friends. It can't last too long, it _doesn't_ last too long. Phil looks down at his own present and thinks he should unwrap it now, but he doesn't get to, not right away.

Why? Because Dan, as if reading Phil's most secret thoughts, pulls him into an unexpected embrace.

The boy has got both his arms wrapped around Phil, chin just barely tucked into the crook of his neck - a result of their height difference, undoubtedly, because Phil is taller than Dan is, by a fair bit. Phil finds himself pulled close by a pair of eager arms, closer than he is used to when it comes to being on the receiving end of hugs.

Phil freezes, at first completely oblivious as to what to do, but at last he wraps one arm around Dan in return, the other being occupied by his still unopened present. They stand there, a mess of long, lanky limbs, unmoving, tuning in to the sound of the other one's breathing.

Phil lets out a soft, content noise somewhere right above Dan's shoulder, squeezing tight before they both let go simultaneously, neither lingering for much longer than what could be considered appropriate.

When they pull away, Dan looks down and corrects his fringe nervously, then looks up to meet Phil's eyes.

"Thank you, Phil," Dan utters, "This is honestly the best present I've ever gotten, not even kidding," he adds with a smile.

The sincerity in Dan's voice nearly makes Phil initiate another hug, but he doesn't. He's still got his own gift to open.

He carefully unwraps the paper, trying his best not to damage it, while Dan is still eyeing the present he has received moments ago.

"Why are there two?" Dan asks, making Phil stop what he's doing to glance at his roommate again.

"Well, I figured you shouldn't go alone. Bring a friend, a girlfriend, anyone really!"

Dan frowns for an instant before grinning again and stating, "Obviously I'm gonna bring you then, you spork."

Until now, Phil hasn't even admitted to himself that he had been hoping for this, but now that it's happened, he can well and truly say it, if only in his mind - he's been wanting to go with Dan, but he also wanted to give the boy the freedom of choice.

"You sure, Dan? Because I won't mind if you want to bring somebody else," he says, if somewhat against his own will.

Dan scoffs. "Like who? Justin Bieber? You're the one guy I know that likes Muse as much as I do. Could hardly find a better person."

As he says that, Dan hands one of the tickets to Phil, which he gladly accepts.

"Thanks," Phil says, gently placing the ticket on his nightstand. He then goes back to unwrapping the gift from Dan.

Gently peeling all the layers of paper, he finds a box set of all of the most popular Ghibli movies - ones that he's already seen and a few that he hasn't - with a little note stuck to the front of the box.

 

_thanks for putting up with me,_

_\- dan_

"D'you like it?" Dan asks shyly as Phil stares at the gift in awe.

"Like it? I love it!" he exclaims happily, hugging his present with an expression resembling a joyful kitten. "This must have been expensive, Dan. Are you sure this is okay?"

Dan rubs the back of his head awkwardly and chuckles. "Totally okay, don't worry."

The two boys smile at each other, Phil having to look down only slightly in order to meet Dan's eyes. For once in his life, he feels good about the future and the things that lay ahead.

Making friends doesn't come easy to Phil, but he has a feeling he's recently made a really good one.

 

 

~~~~~

 

The next day is a complete mess. He sleeps in, PJ barges in the room and makes him hurry up, the only _good bye_ he gets to say to Dan is a quick _I'll text you from the train_. Then again, he's not leaving forever, it's only ten days.

Somehow, even _that_ feels long.

When they're on the train, instead of trying to be social with his best friend, he thinks of Dan. Dan's heading home soon too, and Phil knows by now that home is in Wokingham, but he finds it hard to imagine the boy at any other place than their tiny little dorm room that they're both paying way too much for. He never did get that refund that Eleanor promised on the first day of the semester, but right now, he doesn't feel as though he deserves one - he's made a friend, why would he ask to be paid for it?

 

The two boys spent the night marathoning Ghibli movies, and Phil locked the ticket for Muse in his bedside drawer for safekeeping until the day of the concert comes. He's strangely pleased that now, they have plans extending months and months into the future. The concert is not until June, after all.

Seeing that PJ fell asleep, Phil checks his phone, finding no text from Dan even though he's texted the boy an hour ago ( _It's flipping cold on this train! I might be going to Polar Bear Land_ ). Perhaps he's busy packing.

He then goes to check his Twitter and absently scrolls through his notifications. Tyler, a YouTuber that he's actually met in person, is talking about dyeing his hair pink as a way to celebrate the upcoming new year. Martyn, his elder brother, posted a sarcastic remark about how ice cold rain is the English equivalent of snow on Christmas.

He goes through several tweets, not paying all too much attention, until he spots one from Dan.

 

 ** _danisnotonfire_ ** _counting down to june_

 

Without any hesitation, he tweets back.

 

 ** _AmazingPhil_** _@danisnotonfire_ _Me too!!_

 

With a preoccupied expression, he looks out the window, and wonders if Dan will have a good Christmas break; he even makes a game out of trying to picture what awaits the boy at home. He knows nothing of his family, but if they managed to raise someone like Dan, they've got to be decent people.

 

-

 

Phil's mum loses her temper when he checks his phone for the umpteenth time that evening.

He makes sure his texts are sending correctly, and writes a few new ones just to be extra certain, and then checks over and over again to ensure that his phone is not on mute.

He tries, but nothing happens. Nothing at all.

It's almost midnight, and Dan still hasn't texted back.


	7. Out of Sight, Out of Mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry this took so long! I've got a terrible flu-whatever thing and with the amount of meds I've been prescribed, staying conscious long enough to write has been a real challenge. I feel better today, which is why I was able to finish this. I hope to post the next chapter sooner :)  
> Please let me know what you think of this one. Do you want more fluff, or shall we get started on some angst? :D I love knowing what you think - and of course, thank you for your support!! :) 
> 
> Oh, by the way, I have a Phan-only tumblr where I'm going to post little teasers and updates on this fic/any other fics of mine, so if you'd like to be part of that then please follow me here :) <http://phanbliss.tumblr.com> I tend to follow back, just let me know you're a reader!

_Phil (December 23, 10:21 AM)_

_It's flipping cold on this train! I might be going to Polar Bear Land_

_Phil (December 23, 11:43 AM)_

_What are you up to? Stop sleeping and start packing you lazy bum_

_Phil (December 23, 12:07 PM)_

_Daaaan_

_Daaaaaaaaan_

_Dan_

_Reply!_

_Phil (December 23, 2:58 PM)_

_I'm starting to wonder if my phone died or something_

_Maybe you're not getting my texts_

_Phil (December 23, 4:27 PM)_

_Maybe you hate me_

_Or a shark ate you_

_Snow-shark_

_Phil (December 23, 5:59 PM)_

_Are you okay?_

_Phil (December 23, 7:21 PM)_

_Guess you're getting on the train home by now_

_Don't get lost_

_I got on the wrong train once and ended up in Newcastle_

_It was HORRIBLE_

_Phil (December 23, 11:43 PM)_

_Why do I keep spamming you_

-

  

**_Dan (December 24, 1:46 AM)_ **

**_oh god what is this spamfest_ **

**_i was out_ **

**_as in didn't have my phone_ **

**_i mean i have it now_ **

**_obviously_ **

****

**_Dan (December 24, 1:49 AM)_ **

**_am i waking you?_ **

****

**_Dan (December 24, 2:01 AM)_ **

**_Philip_ **

**_only losers sleep at this hour_ **

**_you do know you're a loser right_ **

**_i barely know you but i know that much_ **

**_are u enjoying the way your phone keeps going off_ **

**_?_ **

**_?_ **

**_??_ **

****

_Phil (December 24, 2:01 AM)_

_Hello to you too Dan_

_Yes, I was sleeping_

****

**_Dan (December 24, 2:02 AM)_ **

**_and now you're not_ **

****

_Phil (December 24, 2:02 AM)_

_And now I'm not._

_-_

_Phil (December 25, 10:12 AM)_

_Merry Christmas!!_

 

**_Dan (December 25, 10:13 AM)_ **

**_you too_ **

**_get anything nice?_ **

****

_Phil (December 25, 11:21 AM)_

_Not as nice as what you got me really!!_

_My parents got  me a power drill of all things_

**_Dan (December 25, 11:24 AM)_ **

**_what_ **

**_why would you need a power drill?_ **

****

_Phil (December 25, 11:26 AM)_

_That's what I thought, but I guess they were trying to be practical!_

_How about you?_

 

**_Dan (December 25, 4:47 PM)_ **

**_nothing special_ **

****

_Phil (December 25, 4:48 PM)_

_You okay, Dan?_

****

**_Dan (December 25, 4:49 PM)_ **

**_obviously_ **

**-**

**_Dan (December 25, 9:12 PM)_ **

**_when are u coming back?_ **

****

_Phil (December 25, 9:13 PM)_

_On the 5th I think_

****

**_Dan (December 25, 9:13 PM)_ **

**_ill be there_ **

**-**

_Phil (December 31, 11:37 PM)_

_Dannnnnn_

_It's almost new year!!!!!_

****

**_Dan (December 31, 11:39 PM)_ **

**_i guess_ **

**_whats your new years resolution that is set to fail within a week?_ **

****

_Phil (December 31, 11:40 PM)_

_Eating less chocolate. Yours?_

****

**_Dan (December 31, 11:49 PM)_ **

**_re-evaluating my life choices_ **

**-**

_Phil (January 1, 1:21 AM)_

_HAPPY NEWY EAR DANNY!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_My parents letk me drinkm because of my adavanced ageb_

****

**_Dan (January 1, 1:22 AM)_ **

**_wow phil_ **

**_youre so cool_ **

**_how do you even bear it?_ **

****

_Phil (January 1, 1:27 AM)_

_Im AM AZING by natrue_

_Like my channel_

_On youtube_

_You know? My video channkel_

****

****

**_Dan (January 1, 1:41 AM)_ **

**_pretty sure i do know your channel yeah_ **

**_and youre a loser by nature you turnip_ **

**_but well_ **

**_you're also kind of amazing maybe_ **

**_like i mean the channel name is maybe not a total miss_ **

**_you know_ **

**_you have your moments when youre funny or nice or idk_ **

**_but youre also a loser so dont get your hopes up_ **

****

**_Dan (January 1, 2:58 AM)_ **

**_do u ever think about how weird it is how some things just turn out_ **

**_its bloody strange that you became my roommate_ **

**_and its strange that i dont hate u_ **

**_and that we get along_ **

**_life is weird_ **

**_its a new year and i just want things to pause and let me breathe but they never do_ **

**_its not  a game_ **

**_cant pause or save and reload you know_ **

**_i wish i could_ **

****

**_Dan (January 1, 3:11 AM)_ **

**_phil?_ **

**_you asleep?_ **

****

**_Dan (January 1, 3:26 AM)_ **

**_gnight then_ **

**_happy new year_ **

**-**

_Phil (January 1, 12:21 PM)_

_I'm so sorry Dan I passed out_

_I had too much champagne_

_And hey, if you need to pause sometime, I'm right here with you_

_I know how it feels like when the whole world is spinning_

****

_Phil (January 1, 12:29 PM)_

_And Dan?_

_You're pretty amazing too. I'm glad you're my roommate._

 

**_Dan (January 1, 2:18 PM)_ **

**_thanks philip_ **

****

_Phil (January 1, 2:19 PM)_

_You're welcome Daniel_

****

**_Dan (January 1, 2:20 PM)_ **

**_ugh_ **

**-**

_Phil (January 2, 6:13 PM)_

_Just watched The Lion King for the umpteenth time, with my brother and his girlfriend_

_I cried_

_You remind me of Zazu_

****

**_Dan (January 2, 6:14 PM)_ **

**_really phil? i'm more like mufasa_ **

**_awesome and strong and king of everything_ **

****

_Phil (January 2, 6:15 PM)_

_You're really more of a Zazu_

****

**_Dan (January 2, 6:16 PM)_ **

**_and you're pumbaa_ **

**_on drugs_ **

****

_Phil (January 2, 6:16 PM)_

_Works for me! I love Pumbaa_

****

**-Incoming call-**

"Hakuna Matata!"

"..."

"Come on!"

"...What a _wonderful_ phrase."

"Hakuna Matata!"

"Ain't no passing craaaaze."

"It means no worries, for the rest of your days!"

"It's our problem-free philosophy!"

"HAKUNA MATATAAAAA!"

"Wow, Phil. You're a _terrible_ singer."

"I know!"

 

**-Call ends-**

-

 

 

_Phil (January 5, 8:21 AM)_

_Heading back now! On the train with Peej_

_I really just want to go basdfkf_

"Hey! What was that for?" Phil exclaims, fruitlessly attempting to retrieve his phone from the hands of his best friend, who is dangling it somewhere far above his head.

"Put that thing away already, Lester. Enough texting. Time to spend some quality time with your long-suffering friend PJ."

Phil rolls his eyes, but doesn't argue further. Dan is likely asleep at this hour, anyway.

"Guess you missed me since last night's family dinner?" he jokes; PJ grins in reply.

"Always miss you, babe," PJ agrees, pulling a creepy face that would make Phil yelp uncomfortably if not for the fact that they are not alone on this train.

"I think you're confusing me with your _current_ roommate," Phil teases, enjoying the way PJ's complexion immediately turns an embarrassing shade of red.

"I'm not the one that's been texting all day and night, Phil. Anything you wanna tell me?" PJ inquires in that same tone.

"Well, Dan and I are really getting along!" Phil says cheerfully, ignoring PJ's comment.

"So it seems. Chris has never texted me half as much as you've been texting this kid."

Phil dismisses it with a wave of hand. In truth, he was the one starting the conversation most of the time, and often Dan would take a while to reply.

"How are things, Peej? I didn't wanna bring it up in front of any of our parents," he asks earnestly now, looking at his friend with a mixture of eager interest and concern.

PJ looks downwards, twiddling his fingers nervously, but still sporting a small smile.

"It's really weird. But Chris has been surprisingly patient with me, although also quite relentless. I may have freaked out once or twice."

Phil leans forward to pat his friend on the shoulder reassuringly, remembering the days when he was just discovering himself and his sexuality, and how supportive Peej had always been about it all.

"Trust me, that's completely normal. You just need to take your time and do what feels right."

"Yeah, I'm trying," PJ says, "He's been great about it. But..." PJ trails off, looking up at Phil.

"But?"

Silence fills the air for a moment.

"Before we left for the holidays, Chris said he's falling in love with me," Peej blurts out eventually.

Phil lets out a soft gasp. He has to admit it's a quite strong declaration after such a short amount of time. Although, he also finds that it's not _that_ weird, really, if you just observe the two boys and take note of the way Chris' eyes never leave PJ's face. PJ, however, looks torn and unsure.

"That sounds awfully serious for someone like him," Phil comments gently in an attempt to get PJ to reveal more.

"It was, yeah," Peej agrees.

"What did you do?" Phil asks once it's clear that his friend will say nothing else.

"That's the thing. I didn't do anything. I just sort of panicked and didn't say anything," the man admits with a forlorn expression, "And we haven't talked since then."

Phil frowns at the distress painted all over his friend's face and leans in to give him a quick side hug.

"He can't expect you to say it back unless you're sure. Talk to him once we get there. It's been two weeks, you'll both have thought it over," he advises, but PJ just shakes his head.

"Still don't know if I can say it back even now," he utters, "But I want to wait and see, because I'm certain I can get to a point where I can say it and mean it."

"Tell him that," Phil says, "If he's good enough for you to like him, he'll understand."

PJ smiles; a smile that is quickly matched by Phil's.

"Who would have thought that you'd end up with the less problematic roommate?"

Phil lets out a chuckle and says, "I thought that was obvious. After the first week or so, I could've sworn Dan won't set the room on fire in my absence. I'm still not sure if Chris won't do that to you."

"Think he'd sooner open up a strip club in there, to be honest," his friend jokes, putting an end to the heartfelt, serious conversation they were having.

As Phil is about to respond in a similar manner, his phone, which is still in the hands of Peej, goes off. He tries to reach for it, but PJ doesn't let him and reads the message out loud.

"Oh, look, it's from Dan. What a surprise," PJ chides, then follows up with: " _Did a wild animal attack you while you were typing this?"_

"Give it back! Peeeej!" Phil squeals, risking being made fun of, and tries to snatch the phone from PJ's hands. After some back and forth shoving and play fighting, he retrieves it and immediately starts responding to the text.

 

_Phil (January 5, 9:34 AM)_

_PJ stole my phone!_

_Trying to get it back was worse than a wild squirrel attack though_

"What happened to spending time with me?" PJ teases, shaking his head lightly.

"That was _your_ idea."

They spend the rest of the ride on comfortable conversation, each unusually eager to get back to London.

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

When he gets back to the dorms, it's almost like a déjà vu.

He has to check in with Eleanor at the reception, as do all students upon returning from break. He's no longer irrationally mad at her for the whole roommate mishap, but at the same time, he's not her biggest fan - and neither is she when it comes to him, or anybody else, for that matter.

Of course, the lifts aren't working _again_ , but at least now he's in the company of PJ, which doesn't make the bags any lighter, but it _does_ mean he's got someone else to complain with.

They part ways in front of Phil's room, Phil muttering a silent _good luck_ and PJ nodding his head thankfully.

He enters the room without hesitation, and is immediately met by Dan, standing right next to the door with a grin on his face.

"You're back," the boy exclaims, a look of joy on his face.

"I'm back," he echoes, smiling right back and following Dan inside. He deposits his suitcase on the floor - he'll unpack it tomorrow, or at least _sometime_ when he runs out of clean clothes - and turns to look at Dan properly.

The boy is sporting his so called _hobbit hair_ today, a look that Phil secretly really enjoys on him, but never mentions because Dan seems to hate it. He's wearing black sweatpants combined with a light gray shirt. Phil would say that he looks much more casual than he's used to, but that's only good for him; he supposes wearing those skinny jeans every day is not very comfortable.

"When did you get back?" Phil asks, flopping down on the bed.

"Yesterday." Dan mirrors his movement by sitting down on his own bed the opposite of Phil.

"Have a good time?"

Dan shrugs in reply and says nothing, and Phil knows better than to press the matter, regardless of how much he'd like to.

"Did you?" the boy asks instead.

Phil figures he might as well share, if only to lead by example.

"It was good! I've had so much to eat I'll never have to eat again! And I got to see my brother and my parents, so I'm happy."

"You'll never have to eat again, huh? Then I guess I can keep this bag of popcorn I got for you?" Dan teases, pulling out a large package of Phil's favorite snack from underneath his pillow.

Phil's eyes widen as he bolts off the bed to secure the bag before Dan eats the content.

"Popcorn isn't food, popcorn is _life_ ," Phil cries, successfully stealing it after very little trouble and sitting down next to Dan. He then opens up the bag and shares with Dan anyway, although somewhat reluctantly.

They do a bit of catching up, or at least Phil does, and then decide to watch some anime.

In order to see anything on the small screen of Dan's laptop, they have to huddle up a tad closer, with their arms and legs brushing slightly with every movement. Perhaps it's due to the fact that he's been away for a while, but Phil suddenly finds himself hyperaware of it - of the proximity, of how warm Dan's skin feels against his, even if only briefly. It's such a strange sensation that it's borderline uncomfortable; he doesn't often have such thoughts, after all, definitely not about Dan. It's new and weird and he doesn't know what to make of it.

If he tunes out the noises coming from the laptop, he can hear Dan breathe.

The thoughts are gone mere seconds after they were formed. He and Dan shared hugs and spent many hours watching anime just like this, it's nothing unusual. He's just not used to this kind of unspoken comfort; the only friend he's ever found it with before is PJ, so it's not like he's got a ton of experience on the matter.

How quickly Dan managed to climb the ranks of his friends, he thinks to himself.

"I was thinking we could buy a TV for this place," he suggests during the opening sequence of _Death Note_.

Dan turns to look at him, their shoulders bumping in the process.

"Buy a TV? With what money?" the boy questions, shooting him a doubtful glance.

"I've got some money for Christmas, and some savings. Could totally afford a TV. Think about it, we could play Mario Kart without bothering Louise!" he enthuses.

Phil finds that Mario Kart is not something Dan can often say no to, so try as he might, the boy can't conceal his interest in Phil's idea. However, after a moment, his expression darkens.

"Didn't really include a TV in my budget for this year," Dan mumbles, looking back at the laptop.

"I mean I could buy it on my own. You don't have to worry about it. You could come help me pick it out, though!" Phil rushes to explain. He doesn't like seeing Dan downcast.

"Is there any point, Phil? Won't it just be one more thing to carry when you move out at the end of the year?"

Phil frowns, entirely unsure of what Dan is referring to. He could leave the TV in the dorms throughout the summer, in one of the rooms dedicated to storing things. He's got one more year left of uni aside from this one, so the TV would get lots of use. And at the end of it all, hopefully by some miracle, he'll have his own flat, and then that TV will be a great start to not dying of boredom when he's stuck with little to no funds for furniture.

"I can just leave it here over the summer, it's not a big deal," he says at last.

"No, I mean, surely you'll want to go back to living with your friend next year," Dan quips, meeting Phil's eyes with a guarded expression.

Phil, strangely enough, finds himself completely taken aback.

Staying for the second semester was already a considerable choice, but it was easily made. He never thought as far as pondering the next school year, his last, Dan's second. He never thought past that year either, when he's out of uni and Dan is still here. It hasn't even crossed his mind.

But it seems that Dan has, and it also seems that he's made the choice before Phil even had the chance to realize that there _is_ a choice to be made, waiting for him somewhere down the road.

"I haven't really thought about it," Phil admits, looking into Dan's eyes until the boy breaks eye contact and turns back to the show.

"Well, I don't know if _I'll_ even be here next year," Dan blurts out offhandedly, as if it's no big deal.

"What?" Phil exclaims in alarm, "What do you mean?"

Dan sighs, shoulders slumping as he does so. He then pauses the anime, facing Phil once again. "I really fucking _hate_ law, Phil. It's the worst thing ever. And I'm shit at it too."

Phil gazes at his roommate and finds him in distress, looking equal parts confused and unhappy. He knew that Dan doesn't enjoy his course, but he had no idea that it was _that_ bad. He had no idea that Dan might not even want to continue next year.

"I hated my course at first too," he assures, "Hated everything about uni, in fact. But it's gotten better. You should give yourself a chance."

Dan's eyes travel towards the ceiling in irritation, but he contains himself, takes a deep breath and explains, "You don't get it. I didn't even _want_ to study law to begin with. I've just had no other idea of what to do with my life and hey, lawyers are rich, right?"

Phil tilts his head and frowns ever so slightly, but says nothing, which turns out to be a good thing, because Dan keeps on talking.

"But this is _really_ rubbish. If not for you I'd probably have dropped out before Christmas," Dan admits, cheeks turning slightly pink as the words leave his mouth.

"You've still got until the end of the semester to figure it out," Phil says softly, offering Dan a comforting smile. "Even longer if you'll need to. Just take your time and don't rush into anything, okay?"

They stare at one another for a moment that turns out to be longer than either of them had intended. Dan's face, the depth of his eyes, the thoughts that slumber inside his head, all of this is a strange kind of mystery to Phil. He doesn't know his roommate, his friend, all that well, and thus he can't anticipate his thoughts before they even appear, not the way he does with PJ.

But how could he? He can't compare four, soon five months of shaky acquaintance to a lifetime of friendship, can't compare it to literally growing up together. It's always going to be different, but differen't doesn't mean _worse_. Having one friend doesn't necessarily make all other friendships inferior, Phil thinks, definitely not the one he's building with Dan.

Not for the first time, Phil realizes that he just wants to get to know the boy better, and he doesn't really want to change his living situation anytime soon.

"Thanks Phil," Dan says with a playful smirk. "I've almost missed your words of infinite wisdom while you were away."

Phil flashes him a toothy grin and says, "I know, I'm the new Stephen Hawking!"

"Sure you are," Dan says, mockery clear in his voice, and unpauses the anime that Phil has almost forgotten about.

 

The next day, they go and pick up a cheap, used TV, which is obviously still a lot bigger than either of their laptops, and proceed to have a Mario Kart marathon lasting into the early hours of the morning.

It's alright, though. They've still got three more days until classes begin, and Sleep Deprivation is something of a middle name for Phil. He'll be fine.

 _Maybe_.

 

-

 

As far as waking up goes, when it comes to living with Dan, Phil has usually observed two scenarios:

  1. Phil gets up first and bugs Dan until Dan is up too. Otherwise, they're both late for class; Dan due to sleeping in, Phil due to feeling responsible for his younger roommate and wasting time trying to wake him.
  2. Phil wakes up and Dan is no longer there, gone to who-knows-where-land.



This morning (or afternoon, rather), surprisingly enough, neither of those apply.

 

He wakes up, his mind slowly drifting back into consciousness, lazily giving himself the time to phase out of sleep. He doesn't remember what he's dreamt of the night before, but he knows he slept well; something that he is not often given the chance to say when sleeping in the dorms - he's got the most uncomfortable torture device of a bed in the whole of United Kingdom. This morning, however, stars must have aligned just right in some ancient, secret order, because he wakes up and does not feel like he's been ran over by a truck in his sleep.

He yawns straight into the pillow and then turns on his side, towards Dan's side of the room, half-expecting him not to be there, but he is, laying in parallel to Phil on his own bed, wrapped up in a blanket, sleeping soundly.

Phil rarely gets the opportunity to just _look_ at Dan - see him as he is, without any forced facial expressions, without his sarcastic quips to hide behind, no pretenses or ideas of an image to hide behind. If you asked him, he'd tell you he doesn't care to look, but when given the chance, he sleepily feels around for his glasses to glance at Dan in his slumber, if only from across the room.

Once his eyesight vastly improves with the addition of glasses, he looks at the boy, and finds him completely at peace.

When he first met Dan, he was certain the boy looks younger than his actual age; this is proven to be more than true when he is asleep, hair falling into his eyes, expression at ease, something akin to a smile lightly pulling at the corners of his lips. His breaths come in calm succession, occasionally accompanied by a soft sigh.

Phil stares at him, and he can hardly help the warmth that somehow sprouts somewhere deep inside his chest at seeing his roommate so serene and so content.

The Dan he knows in his waking state is, to Phil's rather limited knowledge, a mix of polar opposites.

He laughs like there is no tomorrow, with wild abandon, but also bottles things up to the point where they burst, like that one night they never speak of.

He hides behind grade B puns and sarcastic comments, but expresses himself through actions, and one of his looks may speak far louder than an entire litany of well thought out come backs.

He always says he is fine, but Phil sees through the cracks and finds him as vulnerable as he is right now, in deep sleep.

 

He wonders, _is it alright for me to think this way, am I free to even look at him without his knowledge_? And he knows that these questions will never be addressed with simple _yes_ or _no_ answers.

Things don't usually come easily to Phil. Why does looking at Dan make him feel so at ease?

 

When Dan begins to stir, Phil immediately closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep.

 

~~~~~

 

 

The two friends make the most of what's left of their Christmas break. They wander the streets of London throughout the day on Saturday, showing each other places they've been to before, their favorite Starbucks serving as the final destination for the day.

In the evening, Phil convinces Dan to join him for another video (in all honesty, Dan is not very difficult to convince). They both decide to make it a fun one, without too many questions and such, so they film a _truth or dare_ kind of thing, both nearly choking with laughter during some of the dares. At the end of the day, Dan proclaims himself mentally scarred for life after having to witness Phil sing a rendition of _My Heart Will Go On_ , and Phil makes a mental note to use that same song for waking-up purposes on Monday.

Phil convinces Dan to give video editing a shot and helps him throughout, more than happy to see his friend so engrossed in something that they both clearly enjoy. When it's done, the video is drastically different from Phil's usual style, but he assures Dan that it's fantastic. He uploads it before heading to bed, making a little game out of waiting until the morning to see the reactions of his subscribers. Of course, this makes it increasingly difficult to fall asleep, but it happens eventually, to the sound of Dan softly typing on his laptop.

 

He wakes up on Sunday when Dan is still asleep - no surprise there, and instead of his usual coffee-shower-breakfast routine, he immediately opens up his laptop and checks his latest video.

Of course, he's got a lot of views, and his subscriber count has gone up by a noticeable amount. What Phil enjoys the most though, is definitely reading the comments left by his viewers, so that is what he sets out to do.

He doesn't have to scroll far to be pulled to an abrupt stop. It's the third most popular comment on the video.

 

_LadyLost_

_Phil im really sorry if this is private but um. Are you and Dan dating??_

                   

His mouth falls slightly open as he reads the sentence again, trying - and failing - to make sense of it, and fighting the urge to delete the comment once the meaning latches onto his sleepy mind.

Blood rushes to his head, and he doesn't know if it's anger or embarrassment that fill his veins at that moment.

He doesn't know, and he doesn't care to find out.

 

Without a second thought, he snaps the laptop shut with a loud click and bolts out of the room before Dan gets the chance to wake up.


	8. A Brewing Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you so much for your feedback and the "get well" wishes! I'm not quite healthy yet but I have to go back to work tomorrow... So the update schedule should be back to normal :)
> 
> The fic will start to pick up pace from now on. I've got the entire thing drafted, but there's still a looong way to go. Please let me know if you enjoyed this! :)

Days go by one after another, and Phil finds himself somewhat oblivious to the passage of time. He liked Uni well enough before when he got to experience it with PJ, but having more than one friend around at all times is really great, and he throws himself into this not-so-new-anymore friendship that he is building with Dan.

They watch anime and movies together, they play all sorts of games, and as of the eve of Phil's birthday, Dan has joined Phil for a total of four videos, all of which were a complete hit. It seems that people just enjoy seeing them together, and as Phil has been steadfast in ignoring the comments that hinted at something more happening between them, for now, they seem to have slowed down.

He made sure not to show any of those comments to Dan, and Dan hasn't brought them up, so Phil figures he doesn't know of them. The fact that Dan fears the opinions of Phil's subscribers, while still definitely not a good thing, helps Phil keep this concealed. Phil can only imagine Dan's reaction to such speculations, even though things have been strictly platonic between them - on both sides. He figures Dan doesn't need to know, because he doesn't want Dan possibly getting upset over things that don't matter.

As for Phil's birthday, he hasn't specifically said anything about it to Dan, but Dan seems to know anyway, as for once Phil is the one being woken up early in the morning, greeted by the smiling face of his roommate, complete with dimples in his cheeks and bits of fringe falling into his eyes.

"Happy birthday, you gigantic nerd," Dan exclaims the moment Phil wakes up. He then proceeds to throw Phil's present straight in his face - luckily for him, his present is not a brick but a hoodie, a bright yellow Adventure Time hoodie that Phil loves from the moment he lays his eyes on it.

"Dan, you _completely_ didn't have to!" Phil says, sitting up on the bed and motioning for Dan to come closer. When he does, he gives the boy a quick hug. Dan has to lean down to meet him at the right angle, so the end result is a little awkward, but enjoyable to Phil nonetheless; a present in its own right, really.

"But I wanted to," Dan says with a shrug, sitting down next to Phil.

Phil shakes his head and puts on the hoodie, enjoying the softness of the fabric against his skin. Dan really does seem to buy all the best presents, and Phil will have to make sure to top this one when the boy's birthday comes around.

"Hey, when is _your_ birthday? You've never told me!" Phil asks, suddenly realizing he can't possibly plan to buy a gift without having an end-date.

"Does it matter?" Dan responds with a question. "I don't celebrate anyway."

"Of course it matters! You'll celebrate now! I'm gonna throw you one of those McDonald's birthday parties," Phil proclaims, nudging Dan with an elbow.

"Who could resist _that_ ," Dan mocks with a little smirk, then adds, "June 11th."

"I'll call up McD's today," Phil says in a gravely serious tone of voice.

"I should've gotten you a Barbie," Dan mumbles, only pretending to be upset, and stands up.

He then turns to face Phil once more and stretches, his shirt rolling up as he does so.

Phil looks away, stares at the sleeves of his new hoodie as he picks at them nervously. Seconds later, he realizes there's no need to be ashamed. They're a pair of friends, why would it be awkward?

"What are we doing today?" Phil asks, rubbing his eyes and putting on glasses.

"Don't you have any plans on your own birthday?" Dan shoots back incredulously.

"Well, PJ said we should meet up," he responds casually, not sure of Dan's stance on the idea. "You, me, Chris, Peej. We could get Louise too?"

The boy offers him another shrug, but then winces. "Five people in one of these rooms? It's going to feel like a broom closet, Phil."

"There'll be plenty of space!"

" _Broom closet_."

"The _best_ broom closet ever built," he concedes, "Come on, Dan. It'll be fun, I promise."

"I guess."

Phil is not overly picky when it comes to Dan, so he knows to take this small smile as a good omen of sorts. Perhaps his birthday will be surprisingly enjoyable this year.

 

-

 

If there is one thing that is true about Uni students, it's that it's rarely difficult to get them to go out, even on rather short notice; this is especially true if the party is going to be a small gathering of friends, where preparation is almost down to zero, as the party is taking place right at the dorms. By late evening, everybody has confirmed that they will be there, and not long afterwards, they pile up into the tiny room that Dan and Phil call home.

Louise is a vision in a purple knee-length dress, and she greets both the boys very affectionately, giving Phil a loud smack on each cheek. As she walks in, Phil realizes they should have invited another girl to keep it a little more balanced, but in truth, he doesn't know too many girls here at Uni, or at least he doesn't know them _well enough_ to invite them to a makeshift birthday party of sorts. However, from what he knows of Louise, she will manage herself just fine.

PJ and Chris come right after her, and while Louise came bearing sandwiches, they bring alcohol - no doubt courtesy of (mainly) Chris. Chris, to Phil's slight dismay, mimics Louise's greeting and bestows him with a loud, sloppy kiss on the cheek, immediately singing _Happy Birthday_ to the best of his abilities. PJ settles for a brotherly hug that Phil is perfectly content to return.

They all take their seats in what limited options await them: Dan and Phil sit on Phil's bed, Louise in their one chair that is not broken, and Peej and Chris lounge on the floor. Food and drinks are passed around and banter begins rather swiftly, laughter growing in volume proportionally to the volume of alcohol consumed by everyone involved.

"Where was this mad party when it was _my_ birthday, huh?" Chris shouts with indignation, finishing up a bottle of vodka all by himself.

"You're free to come to mine. Phil says he's going to throw me a kid's party at Mickey D's," Dan responds, shooting Phil a glare.

"Well, you _do_ look fourteen, mate," Chris agrees eagerly.

"I've had one of those parties when I was a little girl," Louise chimes in, before Dan gets to reply in a way that won't be polite or appropriate. "I've had this gorgeous little princess dress, and even a tiara!"

"I want a tiara!" Chris whines, already distracted from the previous subject.

"I want a crown," Phil cries excitedly, "Proof that I'm king of Philville!"

Phil doesn't catch Dan looking at him fondly, nor does he catch the slight shake of head that follows. He does notice, though, when Dan starts rummaging through his desk drawer.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for some paper," Dan replies, as if that explains everything.

Phil leans forward, over Dan's crossed legs, to open the right drawer and hand him some. He doesn't realize what a compromising position he's found himself in until he's already done, and Dan's complexion suddenly resembles a tomato.

"There you go," he mumbles awkwardly, handing him several sheets of A4 paper.

"Thanks mate," Dan says and starts fiddling with it.

"What are you two doin' up 'ere?" Chris shouts, suddenly wedging himself between the two. "Dan, you gotta let us spend some time with the birthday boy!"

Chris then proceeds to embrace Phil while the rest laugh at them, and PJ snaps a photo, undoubtedly to be posted on Twitter at a later time.

"He's all yours," Dan mutters, still engrossed in whatever he's doing.

A few minutes later, after Chris has rejoined Peej down on the carpet, Dan's work is revealed to be a paper crown, which the boy puts on Phil's head, fingers slightly brushing Phil's temples in the process.

"There we go. Now you can be proper king of Philville," Dan says softly, grinning at Phil.

Phil gingerly touches the crown, then reaches out to give Dan a friendly nudge.

"Thank you, Dan. It's perfect."

"Aww, that's so sweet," Louise coos over the two of them.

"Right, I believe it's time for some _Truth or Dare_ ," Peej announces, and once everybody agrees, they all move to sit down in a circle on the floor.

 

The first few rounds are innocent enough, with things like _who was your first crush_ or _kiss Louise on the cheek_ , but as alcohol is steadily transferred from bottles straight into their systems, the game itself grows more heated, too.

"Do you currently have a crush on anyone?" PJ asks Phil with a sly look on his face.

"Well yeah," Phil admits, relishing the way everyone stares at him with unabashed interest.

After a sufficient amount of time passes, Phil adds, "Your mum."

"Oi!" PJ shouts through his chuckles, smacking Phil's leg.

"You were asking for it, Peej."

"I completely wasn't."

"You didn't really answer the question, Phil," Louise cuts in, "Unless you truly _do_ have a crush on PJ's dear mum, which I sincerely hope you _don't_."

Once it's pointed out, they prove to be rather relentless in making Phil complete a dare instead, which he finally agrees to, if only to proceed with the game and not be stuck with his friends trying to convince him to do something.

"Hold hands with Dan!" PJ exclaims.

Phil shrugs, because hey, easy dare, but when his eyes shift towards Dan, he finds the boy looking strangely serious.

"Are you okay with it?" he whispers, his words almost drawn out by the noise in the room: the music, the chatter, the laughter.

Now it is Dan's turn to respond with a shrug. Deeming it proper encouragement, Phil reaches out and laces his fingers with Dan's.

The first thing Phil notices, is that Dan's hands are cold - almost strangely so - and his fingers are long and slim, much like his own. The way he holds on to Phil's hand is firm but nonchalant, as if he agreed to do it for Phil's sake, but at the same time, didn't hate it enough to end it right away.

And Phil, Phil doesn't hate it either. Not one bit. He absently starts tracing little circles with his thumb, turning the dare into an unexpected caress. He feels Dan's eyes on him, but he doesn't look back to meet them.

Once their friends deem the dare appropriately completed, he lets go immediately and throws himself back into the game, resolved not to think about the warmth of Dan's hand in his, and the strange pang of absence that hit him the moment he let go.

 

A few more questions pass by; Phil makes Louise kiss Chris, Dan is forced to sit in Louise's lap and so on. They're probably too drunk to be playing this by now.

"When's the last time you shagged someone?" asks Louise, question aimed at Phil.

"What?" Phil blurts out, feeling all the pairs of eyes in the room fixate on him.

"You heard her!" Chris exclaims, leaning forward to give Lou a pat on the back. "Louise, that's brilliant! Get 'em kinky things going!"

"I think I actually prefer the dare," Phil says, much to everybody's disappointment.

"Obviously he's going to kiss someone," Louise muses, thinking the dare over.

"Pick Dan!" Chris exclaims. "And post the pic on Twitter! Phil's fans are going to flip the fuck out if you two snog on camera!"

Phil freezes, smile instantly washed out from his face, and immediately turns to look at Dan. The boy looks confused more than anything else, brows knitted in a small frown, eyes slightly bleary from drinking.

Phil doesn't want to _explain_ , not like this, not in company.

_Please, don't ask. Please, don't ask._

Dan, to Phil's somewhat limited knowledge, usually does the opposite of what you'd _want_ him to do, and thus, Phil is not even surprised when the frown on the boy's face is complimented by a question:

"Why would they flip out? Who cares?"

Phil shoots Chris a pleading look that goes entirely unnoticed.

"Haven't you been reading the comments on Phil's videos? _Phil, is Dan your boyfriend? Please kiss!_ " Chris laughs out loud, oblivious to the silence of the rest of the room. "We could monetize that shit, I'm telling you!"

PJ starts getting Chris to settle down, quickly joined by Louise. Meanwhile, Dan looks at Phil, a stare that could almost classify as empty - certainly, it does seem rather emotionless.

"Do people really say that? I haven't been reading the comments on your videos. You know that."

They share a long look, filled with a lingering silence between the two, although the quiet does not stretch towards the rest of the room - their guests are still as loud as ever, but two of the three are shooting them worried glances.

Phil wants to say that no, they don't. That it doesn't mean anything. That people just _talk_. That it will all be forgotten if they just pay it no mind.

But the truth is, he _still_ should have told Dan, because Dan may not be okay with having such an image of himself out on the Internet, even if it's all untrue, a lie concocted by people who saw a spark between them, a spark that, if it _does_ exist, managed to escape Phil's notice. After all, him and Dan are just friends.

"Sometimes," he admits, unable to stand the intensity a second longer. "But I've been ignoring them, so they know it's not true, I-I've been reading fan blogs, and they speculate but - but they know I don't admit to it, and they have no proof, so don't worry-"

"You should have told me," Dan cuts him off, the emptiness in his brown eyes slowly transforming into anger. "I don't care what they say, you should have fucking told me, Phil."

"I know, Dan. I'm sorry, I just-I didn't know how you'd-"

"We'll talk about this later," Dan quips again, and Phil suddenly becomes aware of their friends staring at them, probably hearing bits of their conversation. He nods, wanting to resolve the conflict right _now_ , but knowing that he can't, not in public. This is for the two of them to discuss and power through.

 

They all put on their best acts, but Chris is the only one delirious enough to call the night an amazing success after they all part ways for the night.

  

~~~~~

 

Once their guests leave (Phil catches himself calling them _their guests_ , even though technically, it was _his_ party), Dan immediately moves to his own bed instead of sitting beside Phil, and pulls out his phone. Phil doesn't have to ask him what he's doing. Of course he'll be checking the comments for himself.

Luckily for Phil, remarks of _that_ kind don't dominate the entire comment section. People are mostly just being really positive about Dan being there at all, and they seem to enjoy the banter and running jokes between the two. However, he'd be lying if he said that there isn't a slight fixation going around - a _Team Phil and Dan_ of sorts, if he were to name it using _Twilight_ terms.

He accepts his own fate and waits as Dan browses through the comment section on their latest joint video, watching the boy's impassive expression. When Dan freezes and stops scrolling, Phil knows that he's stumbled upon one of _those_ comments.

"Wow," Dan breathes out, "I had no idea."

"I'm really sorry, Dan," Phil blurts out, "I should've told you."

"But?"

"No buts, I'm honestly sorry."

"That's rare," Dan comments offhandedly, finally meeting Phil's eyes. "I don't care what people say. I'm..." he trails off for a moment, "I have no one who would give a fuck, you know? It's fine. But you not telling me - I - I really _hate_ being lied to, Phil."

Phil rushes to say he didn't lie, not _really_ , but Dan beats him to it.

"It was a lie by ommission," he quips, "I should know what people say about me online."

"It's not just about you," Phil argues, "And it's all a lie, so what does it matter? It's not like..." he pauses, allowing the silence to sink in, to grow thick and noticeable, bordering on uncomfortable. "It's not like you and I are a thing. We're friends."

Dan breaks eye contact the moment the words leave Phil's mouth; eyes firmly planted somewhere down on the carpet, unmoved by the fact that Phil is staring at him.

"Obviously. Doesn't change the fact that I should have known."

"I know."

They gaze at each other from across the room. Their flat - if one can call it that - is tiny, the space between their beds smaller than in a cheap motel. But right now, as Phil looks into Dan's eyes and finds no traces of warmth, he feels as though the divide between them stretches far and wide, farther than he can ever hope to reach.

How odd. If someone were to judge them from the outside, they'd likely pick out Dan as the one that's hard to put up with, but so far, it's always Phil that messes things up one way or another.

"I don't want to make more videos," Dan says coldly after a moment of quiet. "I don't think we should."

"But Dan, people _love_ them," Phil protests, "I think you should make your own channel. You should use your talent! People love you!"

Dan scoffs, throwing his phone down on the pillow.

"Talent? I've got no _talent_ , Phil. Don't you see? These people, they only wanna see me because they want to catch a glimpse of two weirdos making out, nothing else," Dan mutters. "I'm fucking useless, and I hardly need more proof of that."

"Dan, no, stop," Phil pleads, getting up to stand beside Dan's bed. He rests his hand on the boy's shoulder in a comforting gesture.

A quiet, shattering sound echoes somewhere within his chest when Dan pushes him away.

"Don't try to convince me otherwise. It's not like I didn't already know."

"Read the rest of the comments. See what they say! They think you're funny, smart, articulate," Phil quotes other people, but all the traits he mentions, he knows that Dan has. He's not making anything up. Dan is one of a kind, Phil thinks, and it's no wonder people enjoy the chemistry that he's found in the boy.

"I've read enough. I'd have read even less if not for Chris," Dan says in a quiet tone, but inside his eyes, a storm is brewing, and Phil doesn't know how to stop it.

"Dan..." Phil begins, unsure of what to even say. "I'm sorry, I really am. I should have told you. But is this worth fighting over? I didn't lie to you, Dan. I would _never_ lie to you."

Dan, previously avoiding eye-contact, looks straight into Phil's eyes upon that declaration. For a moment, for an instant, the facade breaks and Phil thinks he's gotten through to him.

Seconds later, it's all gone.

"I just want to not talk for a while."

Has he been punched in the throat? He sure feels that way, because he doesn't want to _not talk_. He wants things as they were.

He wants paper crowns and bright yellow hoodies and sitting down way too close to Dan, he wants silly banter and slowly uncovering the puzzle that is Dan Howell.

Phil stands there motionless as Dan pushes past him, grabbing his jacket on the way out.

 

Phil knows enough not to expect the boy to come back that night.

 

~~~~~

 

Falling asleep takes him forever. His birthday party started out perfect, but it ended on a really bad note, and Phil doesn't want to feel disappointed, but he does.

A part of him wishes to blame Chris, but a little voice inside his head tells him that Chris is not to blame. The mistake started with his own actions - all Chris did was to expose them.

Are all friendships so difficult to maintain? His friendship with PJ certainly wasn't; with PJ, Phil was always under the impression that they operate on the same wavelength, that no matter what either of them does, they'll always meet right in the middle. With Dan, everything is different. With Dan, it's like they're both on a wavelength of their own, separate from everybody else. And despite that, somehow, they still clash. In good ways and bad.

After waking up, he lies in bed for an hour, entirely unsurprised to see that Dan has not yet returned, even though it's well past noon. He's got a hangover, and not just from the alcohol, but also from disappointing his friend.

He really didn't mean to.

A long sigh escapes his parched throat, shaky fingers rub at his tired eyes. He needs a drink, breakfast, he needs to study for tomorrow.

He needs to see Dan.

 

 

_Phil (January 31, 12:37 PM)_

_Dan?_

_I'm sorry for yesterday_

_Are you alright?_

An hour passes, and he's still staring at the phone, waiting in vain for Dan to reply.

He wonders if his current punishment is adequate to the crime. But who is he to judge the feelings of another person?

 

-

 

Phil drifts back to sleep without even planning on it, but his slumber is short lived. After barely thirty minutes, he finds himself pulled out of his nap by the soft, insistent sound of somebody knocking on the door.

He rushes to open it, careless as to what he looks like, but the faint hope that it's Dan is crushed the moment he sees the apologetic face of Louise, who comes bearing a food container of sorts.

"Hi Phil," she says cheerfully, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Wanted to check on you boys, make sure everything's all lovely again."

Phil smiles - Louise is the kind of person that one has to smile around - and invites her inside.

"Oh, I'm only here for a second. Got an exam tomorrow that I'd better study for."

Phil nods in reply. "I know the pain."

"This is for you, hun." She hands him the container. "Didn't want you two to starve. Where's Dan?"

He shrugs, immediately downcast. Louise shoots him a compassionate look.

"I take it things aren't okay, then?"

"Not really. Dan's upset. He just up and left, as usual..." Phil trails off, not sure of how much he should be telling Louise, but she looks at him as though she understands.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start a riot," she apologizes.

Phil shakes his head. "You have nothing to apologize for, Lou. This was all on me."

"Well, I know of a way for you to cheer him up," Louise utters, "When I came here to check on him during Christmas break, he said he's never had a homemade apple pie. Can you bake? I could help you out?"

Phil starts frowning somewhere in the middle of her sentence, and barely registers what comes afterwards.

_When I came here to check on him during Christmas break..._

"Wait, hold on, during Christmas break? D'you mean while I was away?"

Louise looks thrown off-balance, but replies without missing a beat, "Um, that's right. I was checking to make sure he's alright, sitting here by himself. My parents live just outside of London, so..."

Dan told him he'd be leaving to go home, too. He said he'd be leaving the day after Phil.

"So Dan was here this whole time?" he asks in a hurried voice, and upon hearing it, Louise starts to appear rather confused.

"Yes... You didn't know?" she inquires as it dawns on her that perhaps she shouldn't have said anything.

Phil doesn't know what to say for a moment, thoughts running through his mind at record speed.

Why would Dan lie? He's gotten so upset with Phil over concealing the whole comment trend, but this is an outright lie. Dan spent the entire Christmas break back at the dorms, just as he spent the whole summer here too, for reasons unknown to Phil.

Why? Why wouldn't he just go home?

"No, I knew _that_ of course," he lies, "I just didn't know you lived close enough to visit."

Louise's expression settles slightly, although she still looks somewhat doubtful.

"Oh, I do! It's just not very convenient to commute to London every day, that's why I'm here until Uni is done."

"Yeah, that makes sense," he agrees distractedly.

Louise takes the cue that Phil didn't intend to give and bids him goodbye for now, parting with a quick hug and a reminder that if he wants to bake something, she's more than happy to help him out.

Phil barely registers closing the door behind her, sitting back down on the bed, checking his phone and finding no message from Dan.

He and Dan make great friends, he thinks. He causes some hiccups to the friendship at times, such as he did last night, hiding things from Dan, but aside from that, they just _click_. There are no questions as to whether they want to do something together, because as of late, it's a given. There are late night talks during which they never misunderstand each other, and Phil has already found comfort in Dan's words on more than one occasion.

Why would Dan lie to him about anything? There's no point in lying, not about this and not about anything else. Phil made it clear - he wants to know Dan, the good and the bad sides of the boy.

Why did Dan not tell him the truth?

 

-

 

The questions still roam Phil's mind as he tries - and fails - to study. He catches himself spacing out while trying to focus on his textbooks, and after two hours of this, he gives up, resolved to just wait for Dan to come home.

 

His roommate finally turns up at around 10 PM, visibly tired and cold. He barely spares a glance in Phil's direction, as if determined not to forgive him just yet.

Phil doesn't say anything, unsure of what there is to say. He watches Dan as the boy shrugs out of his soaked jacket and right into a jumper, kicks off his shoes and sits down on the bed, all of which is done without looking Phil's way.

 _This isn't fair_ , he thinks, _He's lied to me and yet he won't even look at me for what I did_.

 

"Dan," he calls out, struggling to conceal any kind of emotion that could seep through his voice.

When their eyes finally meet, it's no longer Dan that resembles a brewing storm. No, Dan is now the stranded adventurer, and Phil - the force of nature that can't be stopped.

Phil doesn't even stutter as he speaks.

"What are you hiding from me?"


	9. Into the Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, thank you SO much for all of your comments on the last chapter!!! I've had a hellish week, working 12 hours a day every day while still sick, so I didn't get to reply yet - but I will do tomorrow, promise. Each and every one of your comments just made me smile so much :) Remember you can always follow me on Tumblr to see little teasers of this fic ahead of time! :) [http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com) :)
> 
> Please tell me if you liked this chapter too, nothing motivates me more! We've got a bit of a rollercoaster ahead of us... :D

 

_"What are you hiding from me?"_

The words hang in the air for a moment that stretches for far too long, only further highlighting the fact that the space between them is thick with electricity.

He can feel it with every fibre of his being, the way sparks fly between him and Dan as the boy stares at him; a look that is somewhere between a cornered deer in the headlights and a soldier on the brink of battle. It's conflicting, it's hard to name, it's so very Dan and it's also nothing that Phil deems himself equipped to deal with, but there is no avoiding it now.

Something is amiss, and he's done being led on.

Phil half-expects Dan to look away, any second now, and not reply at all. But it's Dan, and Dan is nothing if not full of surprises.

"What are you on about?" he says angrily, not breaking eye contact.

"What am _I_ on about? I could ask you the same thing."

"If you want a proper response, you might want to _elaborate_ ," Dan sneers, and Phil doesn't like the tone of his voice, the hostility, he doesn't know how to respond to it. It takes all of his courage for him not to back down from this.

"You've not gone anywhere over Christmas. You've been here this whole time."

Dan's eyes widen, and Phil can swear he hears a soft gasp slip past the zip of his mouth. But Dan is no weakling. The boy regains his composure nearly right after he's lost it.

"You've been lying to me, Dan!" he accuses, "I don't understand why. What are you keeping from me?"

"Honestly, Phil. What's it to you where I've been?"

Truth is, Phil doesn't know how to respond, because Dan is _right_. It's his life and it's nothing that Phil needs to be kept informed about. He owes him nothing, there are no obligations.

But he _wants_ to know. He wants to be part of it, and instead he's become a person that Dan can't even be honest with. What kind of a friendship is that?

"It's not that I need to know where you've been," he finally replies, "It's that I need to know why you had to lie to me."

"Please," Dan scoffs, "It was barely a lie. I just said I'm leaving the day after you."

" _That's_ barely a lie to you? It sounds pretty major to me," Phil argues.

"Why?" the boy asks, expression stone-cold. "Have I done something bad to you? What I did over the break doesn't affect you at all."

Phil lets out a weary sigh, rubbing his eyes tiredly. They're walking in circles.

"You haven't _done_ anything to me," he says at last, "I just want you to _trust me_. I tell you things and expect the same in return. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide things from me."

"I'm not hiding anything that I don't _want_ to hide," Dan shouts. His eyes are filled to the brim with anger, and Phil is trying his hardest not to shrink back from this, even though Dan is walking towards him, three quick steps until they're standing mere inches apart.

He looks him in the eyes, muddy blue meeting Dan's chocolate brown, and finds that the boy remains a complete mystery to him, no matter how hard he tries to change that. This intense, prolonged moment of eye contact affords him no clarity at all; on the contrary, his thoughts grow ever more foggy, messy, unsure.

It's not a good feeling, certainly not. Phil hates it. And yet, there is a hint of... _Something_ in there that Phil can't name when he examines the boy's face closely. Something that nags at him as his eyes slip away from Dan's and move down, only to linger on Dan's lips.

Dan's lips are full, chapped, ever so slightly open...

When he realizes just what exactly he's staring so intently at, he immediately looks away and tries his best to conjure what he's lost of his confidence during this brief intermission.

"Why do you _want_ to hide things from me, then?" he asks, finding that his voice has gone rather quiet, almost a whisper.

Their eyes meet once more. Dan doesn't move away, keeping the two of them as close as ever.

"Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"Why?" Dan's voice finally leaves hostile territory with this question, unexpectedly matching Phil in volume.

"I told you," Phil replies, "I want to get to know you. I thought we were friends."

The moment the words leave Phil's mouth, Dan pulls away, not only breaking eye contact, but also turning his back on Phil entirely. Phil struggles to control his nervousness as he stares at the planes of Dan's back, watches the way the boy's shoulders move uncontrollably with every shaky breath.

Neither says a thing for what feels like forever to Phil, but is in fact less than a full minute.

"We are," Dan utters at last. "At least I want us to be."

Phil joins Dan, standing right behind him, and puts his hand on the boy's shoulder. Dan flinches as he does so, but this time, does not push Phil away.

"I'm not asking for _everything_ , Dan," Phil says. He finds himself thinking that not being able to see Dan's face, his expression, the look in his eyes, is both a relief and a curse. "Just give me _something_. You never... You never let me in."

Dan lets out a long breath; through his fingers, Phil can feel the shiver that runs through Dan's body as he exhales.

All anger seems to be long gone and now Phil's only concern is Dan. He's known - if only subconsciously - that his roommate is a troubled soul, that something is not quite _okay_ , but he never pushed it. Of course not. Why would he? It's clear that it's the last thing that Dan wants him to do. Even so, now that Phil is on the verge of breaking through at least one of Dan's walls, he's not going to give in.

He wants to hold him, tell him things will be alright, whatever it is that's currently wrong. But he doesn't know that, and he'd hate to lie to Dan.

He settles for the gentle touch of squeezing Dan's shoulder, and if Dan unconsciously leans into it, Phil doesn't notice.

"I don't have a _family_ ," Dan says in a voice that almost comes out as a broken sob, still staring ahead, back turned to Phil. "I'm alone. Alright?"

Phil's heart stutters at this, stops and restarts only to beat twice as fast as it did seconds ago.

It's not so much what Dan just said, although that alone is heartbreaking, but the _way_ that he said it. Phil doesn't think he's ever heard anybody sound so dejected, so fully done with the situation, with life in general.

And he doesn't want Dan to feel that way.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "What happened, Dan?" Phil prompts, ignoring his common sense telling him not to.

"You asked for _something_ ," Dan quips, forced anger coating his voice once more. Underneath the act, Phil can hear sorrow pushing through. "Not everything."

"And I'm asking for more," Phil pleads, fighting to remain calm.

"I have no one I'd want to go home to," Dan blurts out, "That's why I stayed. That's why I'll stay throughout the summer. That's it, okay? There's nothing more to add!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he presses.

Dan's shoulders slump, as if whatever remaining energy he had just left his body in that one exhale. He glances at Phil over the shoulder, then goes to sit on his own bed with a stormy expression on his face.

Phil's hand feels strangely empty, now that it's no longer resting on his friend's shoulder.

"I don't like talking about these things," Dan mutters. "I'd rather not think about any of it at all."

"It might help to talk about it, though."

"I don't need help. And I don't want your pity."

Dan remains intent on avoiding Phil's gaze, but he still stares at him from across the room, almost hurt by the boy's assumption.

Pity him? Never. Want him to feel better? Of course.

"Dan, I don't _pity_ you," Phil protests. "I _care_ about you. I want to help you."

Dan, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, runs his fingers through his hair. When he does look up at last, there are tears in his eyes.

"Can you just _leave it_?" Dan cries. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Phil doesn't know how to respond, nor does he know how to react. On the one hand, he wants to learn the _whole_ story, not the tiny bits of scraps that he's been granted so far. On the other, just mentioning this seems to cause Dan pain, and that's the last thing he'd ever want to do.

"Promise you won't lie again," he pleads when their eyes meet.

There is uncertainty in Dan's eyes when he responds, "I promise I'll try not to."

Phil's expression softens, melts under the boy's clear, unrestrained distress. He walks over to Dan's bed, forcing the boy to tilt his head upwards to maintain eye contact.

"Can I give you a hug?"

The sound that escapes Dan's lips is something between a chuckle and a sob; whatever it is, it pulls at every single string in Phil's heart. When the boy nods and stands up, Phil immediately opens up his arms and pulls Dan in, resting his chin on the top of his head, while Dan buries his face against Phil's chest.

The dam breaks, slowly and then all at once. Salty tears stain Phil's jumper and he doesn't even notice.

This is the second time that Dan cries in his arms, and Phil finds himself only a little bit less clueless than he was the first time.

 

 

~~~~~

 

Just like the first breakdown brought on several changes, this one does the very same thing; little things that become a daily occurrence, things that become part of their lives in such imperceptible ways that if not for the initial surprise, Phil wouldn't even notice the way they slipped into the routine of his life. It's as if he, if only by sheer persistence, managed to break through yet another one of Dan's walls, revealing more of the soul that remains hidden behind them.

 

Two weeks after their confrontation, they're walking down the street, heading to Domino's for lunch. While the first few days following the argument were rather quiet, they are now happily chatting away about the last episode of _Love Hina_ , an anime that Dan deems far too girly for the two of them to watch, and yet secretly enjoys immensely.

"I think it's cute how Keitaro is trying his best to get Naru's attention," Phil muses, clumsily jumping over a puddle.

" _Cute_? It's bloody _hopeless_ is what it is," Dan argues. "By the way, you're no longer four, Phil. Might want to avoid all sorts of treacherous puddles like any grown person would, by simply _walking_ over them."

"That takes out all the f-" Phil _begins_ to say, interrupted by a puddle jump attempt gone awry. In other words, by _tripping_.

A quick curse word runs through his mind as he begins to fall, but Dan catches him just in time, grabbing his hand and pulling him upright.

"Oh, wow, thanks!" he exclaims, "That was one dodgy puddle!"

Dan rolls his eyes, but he fails to conceal the grin that blooms on his face. "Should've just let you fall right in."

"You'd never," Phil shoots back with certainty.

"I totally would."

It's just their usual banter, Phil thinks, nothing special. Only there _is_ a rather noticeable difference.

Their fingers remain laced; Dan never lets go and Phil never pulls away, he simply looks at the boy questioningly, surprise written all over his countenance, earning himself only a shrug in reply.

That's quite enough a response for Phil to settle with. He holds Dan's hand, enjoying the way it fits right into his, enjoying the warmth and familiarity and, let's be real, _safety_ of it, because hey, puddles are positively _dangerous_.

Neither lets go until it happens naturally when they take off their jackets upon reaching the pizzeria. Neither mentions it, although Phil spends a considerable amount of time thinking of it.

 _Friends hold hands sometimes_ , Phil thinks to himself as they're walking home, _It happens_.

And as such, it happens again the next time they go to Starbucks, and then again when they're sitting down, binge watching a TV series on Netflix, this time initiated by Phil, casually grabbing Dan's hand and keeping it in his.

They never bring it up in conversation, as if it's a natural thing to happen between two people who are growing closer by the day. Perhaps it is, Phil thinks.

If not for the initial moment of consternation, he'd likely not have noticed the way it slipped into his life, but then again, that's hardly any different from most things that happen with Dan.

 

-

 

 

The rest of February and March goes by somewhat uneventfully. Dan still disappears for hours on end, but when he's around, he's with Phil, which quickly becomes a given to all of their friends.

After a healthy dose of trying to convince Dan, they keep on making videos together occasionally. The comments which nearly made them fall out before still appear, but this time around, Dan checks them for himself. They don't respond to any of them, and they never speak about it either; it's an odd sort of secret that is out in the open, but everybody pretends that it's not there.

One night, when Dan is not around, Phil is on the bed, doing a bit of pretending of his own - pretending to study while thinking about his roommate and all the things he can't explain in relation to him. Unfortunately for Phil, this is not an uncommon occurrence, but so far, he's found no way to get through to Dan completely. It's not like he can force the boy to tell him things, and Dan's reaction is always negative whenever he attempts to discuss serious matters.

Finally dropping his textbook down to the floor, he rolls over to lie on his back and stares at the ceiling, thoughts running through his mind at record speed.

He should go outside, get a bit of fresh air, it'd do him a world of good, or at least that's what his Mum would surely say. In his youth, Phil was a bit of a frail, sickly child that never liked to go outside, then video games stepped in, completely destroying his will to play in the garden or in the park. However, he still managed to catch colds when going to school - who didn't? - and his Mum started using his health as an argument to go out. _You need fresh air, Philip, always sitting home makes you ill!_

He believed her for a while, until he didn't, because her strategy didn't work and Phil continued to catch all sorts of infections all through primary school.

Somehow, even this train of thought leads him to Dan. He wants to believe him when he says nothing is wrong, when he changes the subject as if Phil hasn't asked him anything, or when he gets up and says he has to go in the middle of a game, without an explanation.

He wants to, and in a way, he does. Until he doesn't.

He's not used to having friends that keep things from him. PJ is an open book, and he's been as much for him in return, until he met Dan.

He doesn't really tell PJ about his new friend, nor does he tell him about all the musings related to the boy. Not until he knows what he could possibly have to say on the matter, at least.

What is there to say, really? _Dan's my friend but he refuses to tell me things_. He knows Peej, he knows what he'd say. _Well, you just need to give it time. Obviously this is something private to Dan_.

A knock on the door pulls him out of his reverie. He scrambles to answer it and finds Louise, standing there and smiling as she usually tends to do, a wide grin that warms up your entire being.

"Hi Phil!" she exclaims cheerfully, then asks, "Oh, Dan's not in? Where's he gone off to?"

Phil shrugs in reply. "No idea, to be honest," he replies. "As usual."

She pouts, sitting down in the chair and crossing her legs. "Why don't you just text him and ask?"

"Why don't _you?_ " Phil retorts with a smile.

"I could!" She then pulls out her phone and spells her text out loud as she types it. " _Hi Dan! Where on Earth are you! xx Louise_. There, that'll do it!"

He sighs, half-hoping that she won't get a reply, because if he can't get it out of Dan, he'd hope that no one else could. However, Louise is to Dan what Peej is to Phil - a friend from way before uni, a person that's been around for longer and as a result, knows much more.

They get talking while waiting for Dan to answer the text, and whether Phil wants it or not, the subject of their conversation remains focused on his roommate. Somehow, Phil finds a strange kind of comfort in talking to Louise about Dan; she knows him well, and she seems to be fond of both of the boys, which makes her the perfect choice for such little talks.

"Do you know where he always disappears to?" he inquires against his own will.

Louise tilts her head and frowns slightly. "I think I do, love. Just surprised he hasn't told you."

That kind of a response is excruciating to Phil; it's a so close, yet so far, kind of thing. She knows, he doesn't, Dan knows, Phil can't know.

"Will you tell me?" Phil pleads, feeling a tad pathetic as he does so.

The girl offers him a friendly smile. "Hun, I love you both, but I can't go around spilling Dan's secrets. I assure you it's nothing bad though. Just a part of his life, for now."

In a way, it's a consolation - Dan's not up to anything bad, Phil can trust her on that. But _what_ can it be?

"Is it a girlfriend or something?" he blurts out.

Louise bursts into a fit of giggles. " _Definitely_ not a girlfriend."

Phil doesn't even realize he's been holding his breath in until he lets go of it just now.

Louise notices the relief on his face, even though he can't even identify it as such. However, Louise is far too kind and much too polite to comment on it.

He ends up trying to teach her how to play Mario Kart - something that Dan had given up on long ago - until Dan comes back and joins them.

Phil misses the knowing, concerned look that Louise shoots in Dan's direction, but Dan doesn't.

Of course not.

 

~~~~~

 

It's starting to worry him, how often he thinks about Dan whenever they're apart for whatever reason.

They study vastly different subjects, and as such, often have class at different hours. Combined with Dan's disappearances, there are days when Phil barely sees him at all.

Just a few months back, he'd go and hang out with PJ and everything would be forgotten. Right now, he finds that a lot of his spare time is spent on worrying about Dan.

Then again, when they _do_ spend time together, it's...

Phil buries his head in the pillow, wondering why on earth he's feeling so confused. What is there to be confused about? Holding hands, hugging occasionally? Dan being an open book one day only to shut down the next?

Once again his thoughts are interrupted, this time by Dan barging in, almost kicking the door open. Phil, startled, jumps up and hits his head - a daily occurrence, almost.

"Hi Philly!" Dan exclaims as he flops down on the bed next to Phil.

"Hi Danny," Phil replies with a little less enthusiasm, rubbing his aching head.

"Ugh. You're not allowed to call me _Danny_ ," Dan complains.

Before Phil forms a coherent response, Dan grabs his hand without ceremony and starts playing with his fingers, gently pulling one after another and then rubbing his thumb across Phil's palm.

"You call me _Philly_ all the time," he reminds the boy, _almost_ unfazed by the unexpected touch.

"It suits you," Dan retorts. "I'm like the least _Danny_ person in the world."

"Not to me," Phil disagrees with a smile, then adds, " _Danny_."

Phil doesn't really mind when Dan lets go of his hand and suggests they watch some _Game of Thrones_ , but he also doesn't mind when Dan, upon settling in next to him, ends up resting his head on Phil's shoulder.

Dan's hair is soft against his cheek, and his presence - gentle against Phil's heart.

 

 

-

 

It's a rather ordinary day when things suddenly go wrong.

Everything between Phil and Dan has been, as of late, an ocean of calm. Phil has been trying to cope with the lack of knowledge, and Dan was, in general, in a good mood.

In the morning, Phil goes to class, sleep deprived and completely unwilling, but he _does_ go because it just wouldn't do to skip. He's already done that far too many times under Dan's bad influence.

He drags himself home afterwards, ten hours spent at Uni combined with three hours worth of sleep pulling him down, barely conscious and just wanting to lie face down and fall asleep.

It's almost like he's forgotten what kind of a guy he lives with, he thinks as he steps inside the room and finds Dan, sitting on the bed, playing a game on his laptop - an emulated version of Pokemon, if the music is anything to go by.

The boy greets him with a big smile which Phil returns willingly, letting his eyes flit over Dan's form: black t-shirt, sweat pants, mismatched socks.

"I'm tired," he immediately announces in lieu of a _hello_ , throwing his backpack on the floor and doing as he had planned - laying face down on his bed, limbs spread out and hanging off the edge of the tiny piece of furniture.

"No you're not," Dan says as if stating a fact. "We agreed to marathon the remaining episodes of _GoT_ , remember? You're not ditching me, are you?"

"I'm totally ditching you," he mumbles into the pillow, already half asleep.

"No way, I protest!"

"Mmmhm."

"Phil!" Dan shouts, tossing his laptop aside and bouncing over to Phil's bed. "Philip. Phil. _PHIIIIIIIIIIL_."

"Seriously Dan, I swear I'm incapable of moving from this bed," Phil whines, facing the boy as he kneels beside him, resulting in their faces being mere inches apart.

"Then we'll move the bed," Dan replies cheerily. "Let's put our mattresses down on the floor and watch TV like that, make a thing of it."

Phil closes his eyes to think about it and almost drifts asleep, but Dan quickly shakes him awake.

"Come on Phil, get off the bed, you lazy twit," Dan says as he shoves Phil over and over until his head starts spinning.

"Oh my _god_ ," Phil exclaims tiredly, lifting himself up on his elbows. "Just stop shaking me or I'll get sick all over your shirt."

Dan winces and says, "Thanks for the lovely image. Is that your standard pick-up line?"

Despite his fatigue, he can't help the chuckle that slips past his lips. "This one is special, just for you." He then adds a tentative, "Is it working?"

The boy smirks at him, playful sparks dancing in his eyes.

"It's _totally_ working. Now get up, princess."

Phil kind of hates the way he can't say no to Dan, but at the same time, he does enjoy being persuaded to do things, even when tired out of his mind. It's a comforting sensation to know that someone cares enough to bother you extensively just to spend time with you.

Dan's idea, albeit strange, strikes a chord with Phil. He remembers all the blanket and sofa cushion forts he's made in his childhood with PJ and Martyn, and those are fond memories that he wouldn't mind recreating.

And so, they throw down their mattresses, leaving the beds bare, they use every piece of fabric that even resembles a blanket, grab all their pillows and then settle in, turning on the TV that stands right between their beds.

Phil is sure he'll fall asleep the moment he finds the right position, but in the end, he doesn't, because Dan doesn't let him.

"Did you see that? What a prick," Dan comments, only to add seconds later, "Wow, the scenery in this show is amazing. I want to live there."

"Yeah, definitely," he agrees, "I'd prefer living in the countryside than in London, to be honest. But I'm not likely to move anytime soon."

"I'm not going anywhere either."

They share a meaningful look, interrupted by the sound of somebody dying on the telly. They've seen enough of this show to not be too bothered by it, but it's as good an excuse as any when it comes to breaking unnecessary eye contact, as far as Phil's concerned.

Dan keeps chatting him up and hands him an energy drink, and two hours later, Phil is no longer all that tired. In fact, he's quite alert all throughout the next four episodes of the show, and soon enough is doing a fair bit of talking himself.

"I want a dragon," he muses. "I wish I had one back in high school. I'd be the coolest dragon rider in my class! They'd call me _Philgon_ and I would have my dragon breathe fire on everyone that bullied me... Especially that twat, Jeremy. Jeremy was always... Dan?"

When his call is met by nothing but silence, he turns to see that Dan actually managed to fall asleep, stretched out across both of their mattresses.

Figures. He's kept Phil awake, but still clocked out just a couple hours later, leaving Phil with a serious dilemma: _push Dan off or stay awake all night_?

He finishes the episode without having made up his mind. In all honesty, he should just extract his mattress and go to sleep, too. It's way past midnight.

However, when he looks at his roommate, sleeping soundly, snoring softly into the pillow, he just doesn't have the heart to wake him.

Tiredness starts to seep in, reminding him that he's been sleepy for the entire day, and he decides that he's not going to stay up all night just because his bed has moved places.

With that resolve in mind, he lies down, keeping as much distance between them as possible, and lies on his side to face Dan. They're not sharing blankets, and it's not like Phil _planned_ this. He's about eighty-seven percent sure that Dan won't freak out upon waking up.

Or so he hopes.

The last thing he sees before falling asleep is Dan's face, calm, unguarded and far too close to his own.

 

-

 

To his own surprise, Phil is the first one to wake up, having slept less than he'd want to, but enough to keep him afloat for the day.

His covers are gone - he must've kicked them off in his sleep, he thinks, and as he blindly searches for them, he finds Dan's hand, resting somewhere in the empty space between the two of them, outstretched towards him.

Quite unable to resist, he runs his fingers across the boy's wrist, gently, so as not to wake him, and allows himself a further moment of simply looking at Dan.

His hair is messy, he's still snoring a little, and he seems to be closer to Phil now than he was when he fell asleep.

Somehow, Phil finds pleasure in simply staring at the boy, seeing him so calm, free of worries and things he'd rather not disclose. This is just Dan, with no additional masks to protect him from being seen. A feeling of serenity washes over him, a sensation unlike any he's ever felt before.

It just feels right, laying there next to Dan.

 

Phil only just woke up, but his heart starts racing uncontrollably. It takes him all he's got not to get up and run right there and then.

What does Dan mean to him?

Dan is a friend. But is he a friend like PJ?

The moment the thought runs through his mind he immediately dismisses it.

PJ, to Phil, is like a brother. PJ means safety and support and overused inside jokes and childhood memories. Peej is everything he's known for the entirety of his life.

But Dan? Dan is...

Dan is warmth, rays of sun tickling your skin on one of the first days of spring. Dan is uncertainty, in good ways and bad. Dan is laced fingers and late nights and never knowing what will come next. Dan is putting up with things he's never thought he would deal with just because he can no longer picture a world where Dan is not present.

Dan is...

A thousand tiny knives stab his heart repeatedly as it hits him.

Dan is not like PJ. Dan is not just a friend.

 

He feels like he is paralyzed; unable to move, unwilling to stay. It's like he's caught under a spell, trapped in a void, where the only thing that matters is the quiet, peaceful sound of Dan's breathing.

He loses track of time. His eyes are glued to the boy's face, so he doesn't miss a second of Dan drifting into consciousness, looking around in confusion for several long, painful seconds, until his eyes rest on Phil.

He doesn't miss the way the boy's face lights up, as if needing no further explanation.

Nor does he miss the softness of Dan's voice as he says, "Morning, Phil."

 

-

 

Phil spends the rest of the day assuring Dan that _yes_ , everything is fine.

But it's not fine. It can  _never_ be fine.

He is bloody in love with his friend, what could _possibly_ be fine?


	10. Bad Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAHHH thank you SO much for your feedback on the last chapter! You have absolutely NO idea how happy I get every time one of you lovely people comment on this story, leave kudos or bookmark it. I love each and every one of you and you are my motivation to keep writing!! :)
> 
> I stayed up till 12 AM to finish this today. I'm waking up in 4 hours. I hope you like it! Let me know if you did!! :)

"Phil? Are you listening?"

It's bright outside, really bright for this time in the evening. Spring is well on the way, granting even the most rainy places, such as the United Kingdom, a little bit of sun. The air is crisp and almost as clear as it ever gets in London.

The streets they are walking are rather busy, filled with people who take no note of the weather. They're all rushing home to their husbands and wives, their children and their dogs, their lonely flats ruled by calm and quiet and night time telly.

Phil understands them. If he had a choice, he'd be running somewhere too.

Pulled out of a hazy dream world, he blinks twice and nods rapidly, as if assuring not only his friend, but also himself.

"Of course I'm listening! You were talking about Chris." In all honesty, it's a wild guess. He wasn't listening. But when it comes to PJ, it's not a big stretch to assume that his freshly-made-official _boyfriend_ is the subject at hand.

PJ shoots him an amused look. "I was actually talking about our English professor, but fair attempt there, Phil."

Phil shakes his head, as if to dispel the stubborn thoughts, and smiles apologetically.

"Sorry, Peej. I'm just a bit tired today," he dismisses, looking down at his feet to make sure he doesn't trip.

He's not lying, he truly _is_ tired. He only hopes that PJ will never figure out the reason behind his weariness.

"You've been _tired_ for the past week," Peej comments. "What's the matter?"

"Is that Chris?" he changes the subject lamely, nodding towards PJ's roommate, who is walking briskly in their direction.

PJ glances at him, not the least bit fooled.

"We'll talk about this," his friend mutters under his breath.

"Hello there!" Chris exclaims, giving PJ a quick hug.

Phil is surprised to see his best friend go as far as to peck the boy on the cheek, albeit rather discreetly.

"Hey Chris," Phil says and offers a friendly smile. He's got nothing against Chris, aside from his undiagnosed - although glaringly obvious - insanity, so he might as well show some good behavior.

Besides, Phil can't deny that PJ seems happy around his housemate slash boyfriend; he'd even go as far as to say _delighted_ , because the way Peej just lights up the moment Chris is around is undeniable and honestly rather endearing.

The feeling is familiar and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. A fleeting thought passes through his mind, wondering if he looks similar when staring at Dan.

Hopefully not. _Likely_ not. He hasn't seen the boy much, so he hasn't really had the opportunity to stare.

If he said that he hasn't been avoiding Dan this past week, he'd be lying.

 

"Which movie did you two decide on?" Chris asks.

Phil glances at the pair of them, happiness mixing with envy as he observes the two. Chris and PJ are bumping shoulders as they're walking, that's how close they are; their affection for one another is somewhat subdued in public, but still very apparent for a person who's known one of them for the entirety of his life. Not for the first time in their company, Phil has the impression that he's the third wheel, but he knows it's unintended. Looking at his childhood best friend, Phil can easily tell just how smitten Peej is, and when feeling so strongly about a person, you tend to be unable to think about much else.

"None yet," PJ admits as Phil absently stares ahead. "We figured we'd decide once we get there."

"Right." Chris nods in approval. "And where's Danny boy?"

Just _hearing_ Dan's name spoken out loud makes Phil both excited and antsy. What on earth is wrong with him? It's just a silly passing thing, a crush that came out of nowhere and will return right back to nowhere in due time, which will certainly be _very soon_. Of course.

_Don't be a bloody fool, Phil._

Even in his thoughts, he doesn't believe himself. He'd hate to see the reaction of Peej if he were to try and convince him that Dan means nothing to him. It's hard to do, when you one day realize that _nothing_ suddenly became _everything_.

"He's meeting us there," Phil replies in a flat tone.

Why did he agree on going to the movies with Dan, PJ and Chris? Could there be any worse idea, when he's been the one to spend time away from the boy as much as possible?

On the other hand, he does feel out of place when he doesn't get to hang out with Dan. For a while, all of his free time was spent with his roommate, up until that terrifying morning a week ago, when Phil's own feelings hit him like a ton of bricks.

Since then, everything's been really _weird_.

It's a bittersweet sensation when they round the corner and find Dan, waiting outside the building, hands in his pocket, hair mussed by the wind. Phil _knows_ that he should look away, just stare at the cinema sign, at the passersby, _anything_ but Dan - and yet, he swiftly finds himself pulled in like a magnet.

The fact that Dan pays no mind to PJ and Chris only makes this worse; the boy's eyes instantly find Phil's.

With each step, the closer they get, Dan's expression becomes clearer to him. His brows are furrowed, lips pressed in a tight line, but the look in his eyes doesn't speak of anger or indifference; Phil knows him well enough to sense the confusion.

Dan's been asking him what's wrong - _repeatedly_. The more he asks, the more Phil has to fight the urge to actually _respond_ , and he can't possibly do that. Telling Dan the truth, he thinks, would lead to nowhere.

For one, he doesn't know anything about Dan's romantic preferences, if there are any at all. They've never spoken about past relationships, although Phil's traitorous brain has been prompting him to strike up conversation on the matter on more than one occasion.

Two, even if Phil was within Dan's scope of interest, who says Dan would even like him that way?

Lastly, and somewhat most importantly, he'd hate to lose the good friend that Dan has become over the past few months, and in Phil's experience, if romance does anything, it's spoil perfectly good friendships in one way or another. He and his ex, Charlie, were friends for quite some time before getting together, and once they did, it all just sort of went to hell.

"Hey Dan!" PJ exclaims, turning Dan's attention away from Phil.

"'Ello," Dan responds with a considerably smaller amount of enthusiasm, but he does manage a smile that looks convincing enough to everyone but Phil.

Phil internally reprimands himself to get his act together as he looks away from Dan and follows the group inside the cinema.

It's not okay. It's not alright.

It's not the way he'd want it to be.

Common sense tells him that _it all means nothing_. That it's a passing thing. That he should stay away until it does finally let go of him. That it can't be that important if he wasn't even aware of it less than two weeks ago.

At the same time, just seeing Dan makes his heart flutter. He's found pleasure in simply looking at the boy for quite some time, at first only vaguely aware of the fact that his roommate is definitely attractive; of course, for a while now, he's been keenly aware of Dan's charms.

Honestly, it's not even Dan's good looks that affect Phil. It's the essence of the person that he is, everything about him, every smile and every frown alike.

He tries to tell himself that he's just imagining things, but with each passing day, it's becoming clearer that he's not.

He watches, if somewhat against his own will, as Dan makes conversation with PJ and Chris. He hears laughter and knows that it's not entirely honest, but it is a fair attempt.

Their eyes meet, and while Dan's hold a lot of questions, Phil's offer no answers and no clarity.

Phil looks away before Dan can find the longing that hides somewhere inside his ribcage.

 

-

 

His friends pick an action flick, so he cashes out the money for the ticket, but quickly finds it to be wasted, as he's quite unable to pay any attention to the movie. In truth, he doesn't even remember the title, nor does he care about it all that much. He is far too preoccupied with other things.

Sitting next to Dan when the lights are out, given Phil's current state, is probably not the best of ideas. Then again, Phil is known for his creative thoughts and bad decisions; let tonight be just a failed mix of both.

He is almost hyperaware of Dan's presence next to him. PJ comments on the movie now and then and Phil replies in good time, but two seconds later, he's got no idea what PJ even said. Dan remains quiet, and Phil, obviously, makes no attempt to change that.

 _Why is it suddenly so bad?_ he asks himself, oblivious to the various action-packed scenes playing out before him. _I'm overreacting. I've not dated anybody for some time, I'm probably just lonely or something_ , he reasons, but it's all to no avail. Stubborn thoughts and wishes, no matter how hard they are denied, linger in both his mind and his heart against his own will.

Phil is completely spaced out for the first hour of the movie, focused on keeping to his seat so as not to even brush his elbow against Dan's, but not much can be done when the boy reaches out and grabs his hand without warning, entwining their fingers as if it's an entirely normal thing to do.

He twitches the moment Dan's fingers brush his, but does nothing to stop the strangely intimate gesture; he does nothing to encourage it either. He simply lets Dan do as he wishes, and that, apparently, is to hold Phil's hand in his.

Unable to resist, he turns his head to look at Dan and finds the boy staring at him. No surprise there. He's felt Dan's gaze burning into his skin for the majority of the film.

"Is this okay?" Dan whispers, unsure.

 _No,_ he knows he should reply.

"Yeah," he breathes instead, powerless to stop anything in relation to Dan, no matter whether it's good or bad for him.

Dan holds his hand firmly; warmth spreads throughout Phil's body, starting at the fingertips. Phil, against his better judgment, hopes that Dan will not let go.

Minutes pass and during a particularly loud scene, Dan speaks up again.

"You've been acting weird," he says quietly. It's not an accusation, it's only a statement, laced with an unexpected amount of sorrow.

"No I haven't," Phil protests.

"You have. I mean, it's completely fucking _lame_ of me to even say this, but you've not hung out with me for the entire week," Dan blurts out. Phil shoots him a side-look, and although he can't see all that much in the darkness around them, Dan does appear to be more than a bit flustered. However, their hands remain joined, even as Dan starts nervously playing with Phil's fingers.

As Phil is about to address Dan's concerns, PJ exclaims in a hushed tone, "The special effects in this are amazing!"

Caught under a spell that was just broken, Phil pulls away from Dan and doesn't answer the boy's question.

For the rest of the movie, he keeps his eyes glued to the screen.

 

~~~~~

 

The last two days before spring break are filled with last minute exams and long forgotten study groups suddenly coming back to life. These exams aren't quite as important as what comes before the summer break, but Phil still wants to do well; when it comes to Uni, he usually does.

Studying proves to be a fair distraction from thinking of Dan. Phil spends the day at the library and tries his hardest to focus on whatever textbook he is currently attempting to absorb.

It's working, to a degree, until it stops working entirely, the moment he receives a seemingly innocent text.

 

**PJ (April 8, 12:31 PM)**

**Which train are we taking? I was thinking we could take the one at 9 o'clock, then we're in Manchester at like 1 or something. Let me know and I'll get the tickets!**

In all of the mess that was his mind for the past two weeks, Phil has completely forgotten about going home for spring break. He hasn't even thought about it. He'll still have to pack and pay Peej for the tickets and -

And then it hits him.

 

Phil is going home for spring break. But Dan? Dan is bound to stay at the dorms, all alone, yet again.

Just imagining Dan sitting in their room all on his own, still confused as to why Phil has been behaving strangely, makes his heart clench.

Phil pulls up Facebook on his phone and scrolls down to a recent photo of him and Dan. Instead of looking at the full picture, he's quickly zooming in on the boy's face.

His flatmate looks relaxed and content, sitting next to Phil on Louise's bed with a bowl of ramen in his hand. Zooming out, Phil realizes that their knees were brushing, but as he recalls, neither seemed to mind.

Closeness just became so natural with Dan - holding hands, hugging, sitting right next to each other when they could just as well sit at the opposite ends of the sofa. It just all felt _right_ , even the first time it happened, it felt as though everything fit perfectly.

Phil, finally escaping the loop of _I'm not in love with him, I'm just being daft, this is not happening_ realizes, that no matter his feelings, no matter their relationship, he's been stupid to try and sabotage all this. He's the one who feels friendship should always come first. Why destroy what they've built, especially if you consider that none of it came easy? That they've both had to fight to even get this far? That he spent many a sleepless night pondering things in relation to Dan, trying to not only figure out the mystery, but first and foremost - to find a way to make things better for the boy?

"I'm an idiot," he says out loud, capturing the attention of the girl sitting next to him. She switches seats and goes to the other end of the table, far away from Phil.

 

He grabs his backpack and shoves all the books in without a thought, silently praying that Dan is actually at the flat for once instead of roaming around who-knows-where.

 

-

 

He finds that his prayers have been answered, although perhaps not exactly the way he'd wish them to be, because as he bursts in through the door, a loud noise alerts him of the fact that he had just managed to hit Dan in the face.

"What the fuck!" Dan yells, stumbling backwards onto Phil's bed, clutching at his nose.

Phil notices a trail of blood slipping past the boy's fingers, and he panics.

"Oh my god Dan, I'm so sorry!" he exclaims. "I'm gonna - I'm gonna get you some ice! Or do you want a bandage? Or should we call an ambulance? Oh god, I'm so -"

"Chill," Dan quips in an altered voice. "I don't think it's broken. What the actual _fuck_ were you doing?"

"I didn't know you were standing there!" Phil explains, then sits next to Dan. "Let me," he pleads, pulling out a pack of tissues from his backpack.

Dan looks at him weirdly, but is clearly in too much pain to resist when Phil starts gently dabbing a tissue all over the boy's face.

In his clumsiness, he ends up making Dan even more of a mess than he was to begin with, but he does feel around enough to know that no serious damage has been done.

"Does it hurt?" he asks in a guilty voice.

"No, it feels _great_ ," Dan shoots back, "Of course it hurts, what do you think? Seriously, Phil."

"I really didn't mean to. I was in a hurry..."

Dan sighs, wincing at the pain as he does so. "I know."

"I'll get you some ice," he mumbles and starts to get up, but Dan holds him down with a hand on his thigh that Phil briefly wishes was not there, because it's distracting him from the reason he rushed home in the first place.

"Stay," he commands, "Why were you in such a hurry, then?"

"I wanted to talk to you," he admits, averting Dan's gaze.

"That's new," Dan comments, slightly laced with sarcasm. Phil hates it, hates that even though Dan is the more troubled one of the two, Phil is the one to mess up continuously.

"I deserve that," he agrees, looking down at his own hands. "Dan, you're right, I've been weird these past few days."

The silence that follows tells him that Dan decided to hold back yet another sarcastic remark, and for that, Phil is exceedingly thankful.

"I've sort of, I don't know, been under a spell?" _If being in love with you is a spell, then nothing's changed so far_ , Phil thinks to himself. "I'm okay now. If you are, that is," he adds, uncertainly.

As he hears nothing but silence, he looks at Dan. He's a bloody mess from Phil's failed ministrations, but his eyes look as alert as ever, boring into Phil's with an unexpected intensity.

"A spell, huh," Dan huffs.

"I guess you could say that."

"You mean you've basically ignored me for like two weeks for _no reason_?" the boy mutters, "That's bullshit and you know it, Phil."

He wants to tell him, wants so badly to explain, to give this a proper shot. To be honest with this boy who crept up on him and surprisingly grew to mean so very much.

"Remember what we said a while back?" he tries, "I'll give you _something_ , but not _everything_."

Dan frowns at him.

"You're _seriously_ not going to explain anything?" he demands.

"I've had a lot of my mind, Dan. It's been a... A rough two weeks."

He's not lying. He has trouble sleeping, even more so just _concentrating_ on anything but exploring the brown hue of Dan's eyes, which is the _one_ thing he should not be doing. Well, perhaps there are more things he shouldn't be doing. Perhaps there's a whole ton of them.

Anger quickly fades into concern, and Dan asks him, "Has something happened?"

 _To say the least_ , he thinks. "Yeah, I guess," he says.

"Is it bad?"

"No," Phil replies without thinking, "No, not really bad."

Because it's not. Because this is difficult and it's making him question everything he's thought was true for the past months, but at the same time, in Phil's eyes, nothing that is related to Dan could possibly be all that bad.

"I should spend the next week being cross with you," Dan says gravely, but the corners of his lips are already curling up into a smile. Warmth spreads throughout Phil's chest as he fights the sudden urge to hold Dan.

"You probably should," Phil agrees, matching Dan with a smile of his own.

A moment passes between them, an instant of unabashed eye contact, that Phil both hates and loves.

He missed this. He's been avoiding it for two weeks.

It is Dan that looks away, though. For once, not Phil. He grabs the previously discarded pack of tissues and stands up, heading for the door.

"I'm gonna go get cleaned up," he mutters.

"Wait," Phil pleads, because it's now or never. Because if Dan leaves, his confidence will be gone, and he rushed home with a specific plan, not just because.

Because deep down, he knows it's the right thing to do.

Dan doesn't answer and simply looks at him questioningly. Phil briefly wonders why every single time their eyes meet, his heart feels heavy and light all at once.

"What are you doing for spring break?" he asks in a shaky voice.

Dan smirks, as if his question is really daft. "What do you think? Sitting here, obvs."

"Come with me to the North, then," he proposes nervously, watching intently as Dan's smirk transforms into utter surprise.

He doesn't even know why he's nervous. By all likelihood, Dan will agree. And if he doesn't, it hardly matters. It hardly changes anything.

And yet, it matters a whole lot to Phil.

Dan puts him out of his misery about thirty seconds later with a simple, "Sure."

The boy grins at him as his mouth falls slightly open, because honestly, he kind of expected a _no_.

Dan then leaves to clean himself up. When Phil collects himself, he grabs his phone and answers the forgotten text from earlier.

 

_Phil (April 8, 2:19 PM)_

_Peej? We're going to need three tickets, not two_

With a sigh, he sets the phone down on his bedside table and lies down, once again turning to the ceiling for advice.

But there is none to be had, not here and not anywhere. Not in this situation. Not in Phil's place.

 

 

~~~~~

 

He explains to Peej briefly that Dan's got nothing to do over spring break, so he invited him back home. He explains the same thing to his Mum, who says that any friend of his is always welcome, and that _she's sure that he is a lovely boy_. He swallows hard, once again wondering if this was a good idea at all.

He forgets about twenty different things when packing and he's glad that Dan is coming with, because otherwise he'd be left without a phone charger, his wallet and a change of underwear. Dan seems to keep a running checklist in his mind, while Phil just randomly grabs things and throws them into his bag.

They meet PJ downstairs and head for the train station, pushing through the crowds up into the train. The first proper, deep breath Phil has is when they're already sitting down and taking off, leaving London and heading for Manchester.

While he's lost in a daydream of sorts, PJ and Dan are chatting, and not for the first time he appreciates his childhood friend's good social graces. If he and Dan were alone, he'd likely be quiet and observe the boy whenever he gets the chance.

He's been trying, but he's still not quite the same. He doesn't know how to get back to it.

 

At some point, he eventually manages to drift off into a restless slumber. Upon waking up shortly after, he realizes that his head is resting on Dan's shoulder, and two seconds later, he feels PJ's heavy gaze on his skin, indicating that he's been caught red handed.

His friend looks at him as if he were a puzzle waiting to be solved; no, as if he was on the brink of solving it, almost there but not quite yet. Phil knows that look all too well.

He won't be able to avoid telling PJ. Not for much longer.

He sits upright for the rest of the way, staring out the window while PJ maintains enough conversation for the two of them, and Dan shoots him confused glances.

 

-

 

They get off the train, once again making their way through the hordes of people that did the very same thing, and head for the bus to get back to Phil's and PJ's hometown.

Phil is already tired, but he's got a whole day ahead of him. He knows his Mum. She's going to assume things that aren't true upon seeing Dan, and he's not quite sure if he can handle that today.

As they wait for the bus, he receives a phone call that he reluctantly answers.

 _"Phil darling!"_ his Mum exclaims straight into the handset, blowing his ears up slightly.

"We're on our way, Mum," he assures, quite used to her fussing over him and worrying whether he can get home without being kidnapped, robbed or otherwise wronged.

_"That's lovely! But listen, your Cousin Joanne has just had her baby! Your Father and I are in the car right now! We're going there for two or three days to help out!"_

Phil doesn't even know what to say.

For one, when having a newborn, surely also having _guests_ is hardly any help?

Two, who is Cousin Joanne?

 

Three.

He's going to be all alone with Dan.

Suddenly, the thought of his Mum making embarrassing comments seems like a very good alternative. Sure that he and Dan already live together in the tiniest dorm room known to mankind, but there are still lots of people around. There's Peej and Chris and Louise, all of whom pop in unexpected at the strangest of times. They both have class and Dan has his random disappearances that Phil can only hope to figure out one day. Things happen on a daily basis.

The point is, they both have _lives_ out there, while here, back home, everything is put on hold, suspended for the time being.

Phil is not sure if he can handle that much space to think, with the object of his musings right there beside him.

 

On the way there, he informs Dan that his parents are away for the time being. The boy seems far more indifferent to the news than PJ is, listening intently from the seat in front of them.

"I'm sure you won't be _bored_ ," Peej consoles, looking back to meet Phil's eyes. Phil shoots him a dirty look in reply.

They part ways at the bus station, PJ heading home and Phil and Dan doing the same. He leads the boy through refreshingly empty streets without a whole lot of conversation passing between the two.

His head is a complete mess, and he doesn't mean his windswept hair.

Upon reaching Phil's house, he lets them in, still hoping that his Mum had somehow changed her plans and will be there, along with Dad and perhaps even Martyn, but no. A quick shout into the void tells him that the place is empty.

Aside from, of course, him and Dan.

He braces himself before speaking. "Well, this is it."

"Looks like the house from _The Shining_ ," Dan comments with a hint of excitement, making Phil chuckle.

"Which haunted room do you wanna sleep in, then?" he inquires, trying to play host for once in his life. Usually, it was his Mum that assigned rooms to any possible guests. "We've got the guest room, or Martyn's room. I'm sure he wouldn't mind, he's hardly ever here anymore."

Dan smirks as he peers into Phil's eyes.

"I was thinking yours," he replies, "I mean, it'd be odd otherwise. We already share back at the dorms. You got an extra mattress? One of those blow-up ones? I can just as well sleep on the floor if you don't."

 Dan doesn't even wait for Phil to reply, he grabs both their bags and starts heading upstairs, correctly guessing that Phil's bedroom must be on the first floor.

It's a good thing Dan doesn't wait, because Phil is left rather speechless.

 

Two to three days, he thinks. Alone with Dan in a boring little town with nothing to do.

All of his denial hits him square in the face as he watches Dan head upstairs, powerless to stop him or to even follow him.

Only two thoughts occupy his mind.

 

One, this was a bad idea.

Two, Dan can't _ever_ possibly find out.


	11. Freefall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all AMAZING with the amount of support you've been giving this fic. Thank you so, so much. Writing this, reading your comments, responding to you - these are the real highlights of my week! Thank you so much!!!! Also sorry for posting a couple hours later than usual, I worked Saturday and thus had less time to write.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, and please dooo let me know if you like it :)

 

Dan, as if led by a thread, finds Phil's room before he even has the chance to catch up to him. The boy throws both their bags on the floor carelessly and looks around with intent, as if trying to memorize the place.

In truth, Phil's room is nothing to write home about. It's the smallest of all in the house, taken up mostly by his large, well-loved bed. What little space remains is filled with bookshelves, a relatively small wardrobe, an ancient TV set and a desk that Phil grew out of by the time he was twelve. His furniture, or the vast majority of it, is older than he is, as are most of the things in the house. No wonder Dan said it looks like the hotel from _The Shining_.

Small as it may be, his room is spacious compared to the place they've been calling home for the past months, and Phil can tell as much just by glancing at Dan. His flatmate seems impressed with it, despite all of its' shortcomings.

"This place is nice," Dan comments, further cementing Phil's guess.

"Not really," Phil disagrees, "But it's home, so that's _kind of_ nice!"

Dan sits down on the bed and scans the room further, clearly taking note of the limited space.

"So where do I crash?"

Phil shrugs. "We do have an air mattress, but it's like the size of my bed..." he trails off, hoping Dan will get the hint that _no_ , they can't share this room.

"I could just sleep on the floor," Dan presses.

Phil doesn't really understand why. Surely after months of living together, a little privacy would go a long way. To be fair, Dan has never made him feel like an intruder, aside from the very first week, but there certainly were times when Phil wished he were alone.

He looks down, embarrassed at his own thoughts, heat pooling in his cheeks.

He can't help but wonder if Dan's ever had a similar dilemma-

 _No Phil, stop right there, bloody hell_ , he chastises.

"Phil?" Dan prompts, alerting him that he's been silent for too long.

"Dan, you're _not_ sleeping on the floor," he protests, all other musings pushed aside for the time being. "I didn't invite you here to spend a week in hell. Or at least _hopefully_ not."

"What if I want to?"

He shoots the boy a doubtful look. "You _want_ to sleep on the floor? Dan, our beds are bad enough back at the dorms," he reasons, unsure as to why he's so desperate not to share with Dan.

Perhaps he just needs a little distance. Perhaps having him so close, even closer than in their dorm room, is just too much for Phil, even though he's resolved not to spoil their friendship with his, truly rather unwelcome, feelings.

They stare each other down for a moment that is much too prolonged, neither really understanding the other. Why doesn't Phil want to share? Why does Dan insist? Neither knows, but in the end, it is Dan who gives in first.

"Fine," he scoffs, "Where's the guest room, then?"

So Dan gave up. Well, that was his aim, wasn't it? 'course it was.

Phil doesn't know what emotion wins over in that moment - relief or regret. They both feel similar; heavy, almost breathtaking things that lie like a rock in his path. However, he _does_ know that it's definitely not as positive as what he was aiming for.

He motions for Dan to follow, and he does, this time with only his own bag in hand. Somehow, Phil finds himself feeling empty as he looks back over his shoulder and meets Dan's eyes ever so briefly.

The guest room is located just down the hall from Phil's room, and it is actually bigger than his own; a fact that he always found to be a little unfair when growing up. He leads Dan inside, pleased to see that the boy, while perhaps not the happiest, seems content enough when seeing a proper bed. He immediately flops down on it and spreads out both his arms and legs, almost looking surprised when his entire frame fits, no limbs hanging awkwardly off the edges. Phil tracks his every movement as he visibly relaxes, stretches a bit and then lies back down. 

 

As Dan lifts his arms above his head, his shirt rolls up an inch or two, revealing a bit of pale skin and a thin trail of dark hair, disappearing somewhere underneath his jeans. 

Phil swallows thickly. This is  _not_ going well.

 

He looks down at the carpet, at the walls that could really use a bit of new paint, stares out the window, observes the dull gray hues of the sky, finds sudden interest in the patterns of his socks. Anything works, really. His eyes flit all over the room, circle Dan but never once stop and stare again. It's far, far better that way.

"Wow," Dan sighs with pleasure, pulling Phil out of his misery, or rather throwing him right back into it. "Bloody hell, I'm actually  _stealing_  this. Say good bye to your bed, Phil. We need beds like these back in London."

Phil forces a chuckle, feeling heat rising in his cheeks. " _Beds_? You mean  _bed_ , as in a single one taking up the  _entire_ room. We've literally got no space for anything else."

Dan exhales, eyes closed, a grin on his face. "I wouldn't mind if our entire room was just a bed, a TV and two laptops, really," he muses. " _And_  a large pizza."

Phil chooses to ignore the fact that while Dan said  _our room_ , he also only spoke of one bed. It's just a slip of the tongue, nothing else.

 

Nothing, nothing else at all.

 

"We could do the pizza bit, at least," Phil suggests, "Though I bet Mum's got a ton of food in the fridge."

"We eat pizza like every other day," Dan says, looking up ever so slightly, but not moving an inch from the bed. "Check the fridge. I'm staying right here."

"Better than sleeping on the floor, eh?" Phil teases, then adds, "Also, I'm not your slave, Dan. Get up and help me find food!"

"You are _totally_ my slave," Dan mumbles. Phil notices that the boy has his eyes closed.

Perhaps he should let him sleep. The less they interact while on their own, the better.

 

Phil is not even sure why being _alone_ with Dan changes anything at all in this situation - it's not like he will suddenly jump the boy just because he can; Phil is not the least bit reckless, and while he does find himself daft at times, he _won't_ be stupid about this. He knows he mustn't make the boy even the slightest bit aware of the emotional turmoil he's going through. However, little distractions help a lot, keep him on track somehow, and out here, distractions are at an absolute minimum. It's just the two of them with plenty of opportunities to hang out, and even more opportunities for Phil to overthink things into oblivion.

Luckily, his Mum and Dad will be home in a day. Or two. Or three. He'll be fine, won't he? 'course he will.

He goes downstairs, happy to be home even if the circumstances are questionable, and walks into the kitchen, quite convinced that he'll find plenty of things for the two of them to eat. His Mum is the type of person to always stock up as if the Apocalypse is just around the corner, as well as the type of person that likes to cook just for fun, even if everyone's already had supper and dessert. It's a wonder that Phil was never a chubby child - must be the good genes, clearly.

 He opens the fridge and is not disappointed. There's loads of food for him to pick and choose from, but he's also got a guest to tend to.

"Dan!" he shouts at the top of his lungs, "What do you want to eat?!"

Silence follows, and after trying a few more times, he figures that Dan must have indeed fallen asleep. He shrugs and takes out a pot of spaghetti sauce, heats it up and boils the spaghetti to go with it, then serves it on two big plates.

"Dan!" he calls impatiently, but it's all to no avail. Finally, frustrated, he chooses to grab Dan's plate and climb upstairs, trying - and failing - not to spill any sauce on their century-old carpet.

 

He sneaks inside the room, finding Dan laying in the same position that he had been in when Phil went to prepare dinner an hour ago, fast asleep.

As per usual, the sight of the boy sleeping disarms Phil entirely. He doesn't know what it even is that affects him so strongly; he supposes that it might be the way Dan looks so serene when asleep, free of the worries that seem to constantly keep him chained down, worries that the boy refuses to share with Phil.

"Dan," he tries again, at regular volume. "Dan?"

Setting the plate down on the bedside table, he nudges the boy repeatedly until he wakes up.

"What?" Dan mumbles, taking his time to open his eyes, but when he finally does, they immediately lock on to Phil's.

"I've made you some food," Phil says quietly, careful to move away the moment Dan begins to sit up. He hands the boy the plate, and Dan takes it from him automatically, with a perplexed look on his face.

Dan's voice is thick with sleep as he speaks. "You didn't have to _actually_ get me anything, Phil," he says, looking at Phil almost accusingly, as if unable to understand the reasoning behind Phil's - rather simple really - favor.

Phil shrugs. "You're my guest!" he exclaims.

"I'm your _roommate_ ," Dan argues, then adds with a grin, "What else are we doing then, you daft spork?"

"Wow Dan," Phil breathes in mock-indignation. "I've gone through all the trouble of heating up spaghetti sauce and _this_ is the way you say thank you?"

"You've gotta learn to appreciate the little things," Dan responds, "I could've called you something far worse."

The playful glint in Dan's eyes quickly makes Phil drop the act and smile right back.

"One day I'm going to call you a lot of terrible things and you'll regret this."

Dan nearly chokes on his food upon hearing this. " _You_?" he sputters, "You're like the nicest person on the planet. I don't think you've ever called me anything worse than _Daniel_."

"Pretty sure I called you a prick once when we played Halo."

"I'm sure you didn't mean that," Dan dismisses sweetly.

"I _totally_ meant that," Phil argues.

"Twat."

"Prick."

They share a fond look, only interrupted by Dan shoving a mouthful of spaghetti inside his mouth and letting out a loud noise of appreciation that Phil proceeds to make fun of him for.

Fun is good; far safer than anything else he's got at the present time.

 

-

 

They spend the evening filming a joint video, yet another Q&A sort of thing, but this time Phil asks the questions and Dan responds. Unsurprisingly, it's a total hit, and by _total hit_ Phil means all the comments that are along the lines of _can you two just kiss already I swear to God_.

Perhaps filming a video was a bad idea, but Phil can't bring himself to regret it when he's enjoyed the process so much.

The more time he spends with Dan, the less he can seem to cope without him.

 

They part ways for the night and Phil sleeps worse than he's slept in months.

 

~~~~~

 

When the next day rolls around, Phil is determined to get them out of the house and into a place with more distractions, so he goes through the trouble of convincing Dan to go get some groceries.

It's a challenging process. They don't really need anything at all, considering the amount of food in the fridge, so there is no reasonable explanation as to why they need to go out at all. It is only with sheer persistence that Phil manages to drag Dan outside.

Once they're out, walking through Phil's quaint neighborhood, Phil suggests showing Dan around town. His idea is met with enough enthusiasm for him to go through with it.

Unfortunately, not much ever happens in his hometown, and if he were to pick something to show Dan, the grocery store would still remain somewhere near the top of the list. He struggles to find considerable landmarks to interest Dan with, but in the end, their conversation serves as entertainment, and the rest is just unnecessary exercise.

As a result, they end up at the store just an hour after deciding to explore town. As far as shopping goes, they pick up a bunch of unhealthy sweets and a couple beers to further improve their gaming night with, and start heading home.

"I like this area," Dan remarks as they're walking making a shortcut through a grassy area, nearing a small forest and a couple of hills. "It's like a different planet."

Phil nods with a content smile. "Yeah, I used to spend all my time out here as a little child! Up until my parents got me a computer, that is."

" _Same_ ," Dan says in reply, chuckling lightly.

The weather is nothing short of lovely, really. Everything is slowly turning green, and even the sky resembles twenty different shades of blue today, as opposed to the gray they're usually subjected to. Phil is not a very outdoorsy person, never has been, but he doesn't really feel like going back just yet.

Nostalgia floods his mind. He remembers all the days he's spent out here, in these fields, up on the small hills, with Martyn and PJ. He remembers his old secret spot that he would always go to when he was sick and tired of everything.

The last time he's gone there was when some kid publicly outed him at school. It was a terrible day. Phil never wanted to go back home again after that.

 

He doesn't even realize when he reaches out to grab Dan's hand.

It's a failure, of sorts. He's promised himself that he would avoid things like that, make it easier on himself, not just repeatedly make it worse and worse and worse.

 _I'll do better tomorrow_ , he promises, and not for the first time. He laces his fingers with Dan's and enjoys the way the boy doesn't even flinch, as if he was waiting for it, as if it's perfectly normal, perfectly okay.

Things like this were never all that okay in his town. Two boys holding hands could end in a disaster. Somehow, with Dan around, it doesn't even seem to matter all that much.

"Come," he says, on an impulse, leading Dan towards an opening in the forest. "I want to show you something."

"What?" Dan exclaims, tripping as he struggles to keep up with Phil. "Are you seriously taking me _hiking_?"

Phil looks back over his shoulder, risking the both of them falling to the ground as he, undoubtedly, will trip over some invisible rock. He shoots Dan a meaningful look accompanied by a lopsided grin.

"Come on Dan, you're going to love it!"

"Love exercise? Excuse me, have we _met_?" Dan argues, finally catching up to Phil, allowing the two to walk hand in hand.

Phil never once lets go of the boy, holding his hand firmly as they make their way through the forest at a quick pace, surrounded by trees, as alone as it gets.

 

Somewhere between Dan's continuous whining and Phil's playful retorts, the trees begin to clear, revealing a small hill ahead of them.

"No," Dan says immediately, "Phil, I've already done more exercise than I've had in my entire life. I'm not going up on that thing."

"You're _so_ going up on that thing!" Phil argues in irrational excitement.

He's only ever brought one person here, and that person was PJ. He never wanted to share this place with Charlie; there was never enough trust between them, not during their friendship, even less so after they have started dating.

He doesn't have the time, or the chance, to ponder the significance of bringing Dan to his secret hideout. All he knows is that he wants Dan to see the view from up above, and he wants to be there with him.

Somehow, it feels like all of his rational reasoning has gone right out the proverbial window.

He knows all the many reasons why bringing Dan even closer is wrong. He is well aware of the fact that he should be distancing himself, not opening up even further. He is not ignorant, he knows that he shouldn't relish the warmth, the strong, grounding grip of Dan's hand in his.

But Phil, aside from having a brain, also has a heart. And lately, both of those stubborn things seem to pay more mind to Dan than to Phil's own ideas of what is good for him.

 

"If I'd have known you brought me here to kill me, I'd at least wear a better shirt," Dan pants during their climb. In all fairness, Phil is struggling to draw breath too, that's how out of shape he is. This is a hill that he used to climb as a child on a regular basis.

"Almost there!" he says.

"You're a flipping weirdo," Dan grumbles, pulling at his hand as he tries to make his way up. "We could've been sitting in your room watching _The Shining_ , and instead you'd rather explore the bloody woods like a hippie."

Phil ignores his whining in favor of making the few remaining steps in two big leaps, and as Dan joins him atop the hill, both the boys take in the view that lies before them.

The hill is situated in a way that lets them see past the town, far ahead up until the horizon, behind which, the sun is only just starting to set. There's a tiny creek somewhere to the left of them, more trees to the right, and directly ahead - fields, only just starting to turn green as the spring is beginning to settle in.

It is a rather beautiful view, but to Phil, the best thing about the place has always been the isolation. He's never met another soul here; children usually were not allowed to go through the woods alone, and once Phil had entered his teens, kids his age never cared to go to places like these. In his mind, this is his secret base, his hideaway, his safe spot, and that's what makes it so remarkable to Phil.

"Is this why I had to literally _cough my lungs up_?" Dan complains, but as he takes a good look at Phil, he turns serious. "Phil? You okay?"

Phil, previously staring ahead, glances at Dan. "Just wanted you to see my hiding spot from when I was younger."

Dan tilts his head slightly, setting down their grocery bag.

"You don't seem like the kind of guy who'd need a hiding spot," he remarks, "Especially not in a place like this."

Phil smirks. It's odd, standing here like this with Dan's hand still in his, but he doesn't want to let go. Once he's slipped up and done it, he might as well enjoy it to the fullest.

"You'd be surprised."

The boy sits down on the grass, effectively pulling Phil down right next to him, leaving their joined hands on the ground between the two of them. Dan stares ahead; Phil stares at Dan.

"I've had a bunch of those," he admits, "But someone's always found me out."

Phil knows him well enough to be able to hear the sadness in his voice. He squeezes his hand tighter, making Dan's lips stretch into a small smile.

"I've only ever brought PJ here," Phil confesses. Dan's eyes widen in surprise, meeting his own.

Rays of sun seem to burn inside the brown irises, illuminating the face that Phil's grown to know so well. There is a dull ache somewhere within his chest; a painful reminder that this boy is not only a friend, no matter how much Phil wishes that he were.

It feels as though each day, Phil only falls even deeper.

"Thank you, then," Dan says sincerely. Phil nods with a smile and breaks eye contact, staring ahead at the setting sun.

"Do you still need to hide away sometimes?" Phil asks quietly after a moment of silence.

"Yeah," Dan responds, "But then I just go back to the dorms and hang out with you. It works out."

He resists glancing at Dan then, because his heart is - quite literally - overflowing, and he's worried he might be wearing it on his sleeve, or in this case, on his face.

"I'm glad," he says earnestly, and he knows that Dan is smiling without even having to look at the boy.

Minutes pass and without thinking, they each crack open a can of beer and begin to drink, toasting the sun and the sky before them. Time passes slowly and quickly all at once, and they don't talk a whole lot, but when they do exchange short sentences, Phil finds them strangely meaningful.

They're still holding hands when, upon finishing their drinks, Phil pulls them down so that they're laying on their backs, allowing them to look at the sky, to appreciate the pink and yellow and blue connecting and entwining to eventually bring on the night.

"You do realize there are bugs in the grass," Dan mutters, entirely failing to appear annoyed. "And they will crawl into your ear and lay eggs and-"

"Shut up," Phil quips fondly.

"This is like a novel," Dan remarks, changing the subject on a whim. "Laying in the grass, watching the sunset. Have you been reading Nicholas Sparks again, Phil?" he chides, turning his head to look at his friend as Phil does the same. A small burst of laughter escaping Phil's lips.

"No, it's more like a fanfic really," he says, "Novels have done this kind of thing years ago, now others are catching up."

"No," Dan argues, "If this was a fanfic, I reckon we'd be making out under the moonlit sky or something."

Phil thanks all the gods that anyone has ever believed in that it's starting to get dark, because he knows for a fact that such an image is bound to turn his cheeks red, and his ghostly pale complexion makes it impossible not to spot when seen in proper light.

"You think?" he mumbles inconsequentially, then follows it up with, "We should get going, unless we want to get shanked in the woods on our way back."

"Stay," the boy says, "Just a while longer. This place is doing wonders for my poor nerves."

He wants to argue, but in the end, he remains there next to Dan, watching as the sky turns from orange to dark blue. Dan's rubbing comforting circles across the back of his hand; he hates that he doesn't want him to stop.

"Why'd you ever have to hide?" Dan whispers.

It's not a thing Phil likes to discuss, but he can't help himself. He knows Dan well enough to want him to be aware of it.

"All sorts, really. When I was little it was bullies at school or my hamster dying or things like that." The words hang in the air with no follow-up of any kind.

"And?" Dan prods at last.

"And when I grew up it was people hating me for having a boyfriend," he blurts out so fast that the words meld with one another, but Dan seems to understand. The boy stills for a brief moment, then finally, after several long seconds, resumes what he was doing.

Phil can't bring himself to look at Dan, but he can feel the boy's eyes boring into his skin. They've never actually discussed their sexuality before.

"You've had a _boyfriend_ ," Dan echoes, as if trying the word on for size. "When?"

"We broke up over a year back," Phil replies automatically, both comforted and bothered by the way Dan hasn't reacted to the news.

Dan pulls their joined hands up, bending at the elbows. Phil finally turns to meet the boy's eyes, finding both peace and alarm as he does so.

"Were you in love?" Dan whispers. Phil's heart slowly crawls its way up his throat, effectively blocking it, taking away his voice.

He struggles as he responds, "With him? I don't know. I don't think so, really. It was all a bloody mess."

"You don't deserve being bullied," Dan says, suddenly switching back to the previous subject. "You know that by now, right?"

"Yeah," he breathes, and before he can stop himself, he asks, "Why did _you_ need to hide?"

Dan's expression is a strange mix of emotions, sorrow and joy softly melting into one, seeping into his voice as he replies, "People hating me for basically _everything_ , I guess."

Phil frowns, heart clenching, because he can't imagine why anyone would dislike Dan, much less hate him. He can hardly believe that he once _did_ dislike him, if only for a week or so.

Because Dan is... Dan is wonderful, if you'd ask Phil, he's smart and talented and ridiculously funny, and underneath his somewhat pretentious, sarcastic image hides the most amazing soul Phil's ever had the chance to witness. And he may be in denial, but he'll never be so _deep_ in denial as to deny all of that.

As he lies there, slowly getting cold but warm all the same thanks to the hand he's holding so firmly, he feels as though he is falling, jumping head first into the unknown.

 

Phil is in freefall.

 

Ever since the discovery, as he refers to it himself, ever since figuring out his feelings for Dan, he's been holding by a thread, fighting it with all of his might. But he can't, not for long, not anymore.

He's in freefall, spiraling deeper and deeper into the depths of his own feelings, and Dan has _no idea_. The boy meets his gaze with fondness and confusion and trust, but certainly not with clarity. And while Phil can't bring himself to change that, he can't stop what comes next either.

 The words spill out of his mouth, uncontrolled and unplanned, before he even knows it.

"Have you ever been in love, Dan?" he asks, barely above a whisper. Dan's eyes are flitting all over his face, pausing at his lips only to meet his gaze once more.

"I don't know," the boy whispers back, "What's it feel like?"

"Warm," Phil replies without a thought, "Like home. And like going somewhere you've never been to. And like you can't change anything, but it doesn't matter because you don't even _want_ to. And like - like a terrible rollercoaster that you want to remain on even if it's terrifying."

"How poetic," Dan teases.

Phil smiles despite the heaviness in his heart as he waits for Dan to answer his previous question.

"I think I have," Dan admits at last. "I didn't want to be, you know. I think it's all fucked up."

Phil nods against his will.

"But things just happened and it's... It's always warm. It's always like you said."

A minute goes by and neither one speaks. Phil has no idea what to think.

Dan's speaking in present tense.

Dan is using _his_ own words.

Dan is looking at Phil as though he _means_ something, like he isn't just another person lost in a sea of people that walk in and out of your life without you even noticing.

Phil can't imagine a day without him, not anymore. He is completely done for, and if avoiding Dan was his true goal, today was just a streak of failures.

He begins to wonder if he had ever _truly_ planned on it, on keeping Dan at an arm's length. Was he so delusional as to believe that could actually work, when the boy's mere presence is like a magnet to Phil? Was he? He can't remember much at all, not when Dan's still looking at him and he is looking right back.

" _Dan_ ," he says with emphasis, unsure of what he is trying to do, letting go of the voice of reason that has held him captive for the past few weeks.

He watches the transformation as it happens, observing the way his friend's expression changes from unsure to exactly that - _warm_.

And then, there's an almost imperceptible nod of the head, and just like that, the dam finally breaks.

 

Phil closes his eyes at the very last moment, as he leans in to kiss Dan very softly right on the lips.

When their lips finally meet, it's almost like he's been struck by a thunder that lingers somewhere within him long after they part, reminding him of the way the kiss was both soft and firm, gentle and passionate, brave and uncertain.

Dan looks at him in wonder, traces of tears pooling inside his eyes. They both turn to lie on the side and meet again right in the middle, this time for a longer amount of time, relishing both the familiarity and the newness of it all.

Phil doesn't even realize when his arm reaches behind Dan's back, pulling the boy far closer to him. He doesn't realize when Dan initiates the kiss instead of him, and barely registers the way the boy's lips are both chapped and soft at the same time. He pays no mind to the fact that they're now close as it gets, and that he will never be able to take this back, that this is a step that can't be remedied, no matter if things ever go wrong.

 

The only thing he is keenly aware of is pure, uninterrupted pleasure, bubbling inside his chest and echoing throughout his whole body.

 

The sky turns completely dark by the time one of them pauses for a moment long enough to allow them to speak.

"Are you cold?" Dan whispers, voice husky, breath ghosting over Phil's lips as he does so.

"I'm warm," he replies without a shade of doubt, and his heart swells when he spots genuine happiness blooming all over the boy's face.

 

-

 

When they get back home, the sun is finally starting to rise. They still part ways at the door to the guest room, only now, when Phil gets back to his own bedroom and throws himself on the bed, he receives a text that makes his heart skip a beat.

 

**_Dan (April 12, 05:21 AM)_ **

**_you were right_ **

**_it is warm_ **

****

****

Phil falls asleep clutching his phone, the memory of Dan's lips fresh in his mind as he buries his head in the pillow, for once not thinking of the future at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this didn't disappoint oh gosh I'm so nervous about posting it haha. Please tell me if you like it or it's too much or boring or anything. I want you all to enjoy the story!!
> 
> Also, we've got many chapters to go yet. So this is not the end!


	12. Everything Is New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *is speechless*  
> Okay, not really, that'd make a pretty boring author's note. But I AM really overwhelmed and extremely thankful for your response to the last chapter. It's been amazing!!!!!! Each and every one of your comments made me grin like the Cheshire Cat. ^_^ I was super nervous about the last chapter but you've all been so lovely. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
> Pleaseeee let me know if you like this one too, and feel free to drop me a message on my tumblr if you just want to chat/send me prompts/ideas! http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/ :)

 

 

It's a little past two in the afternoon when Phil's eyes abruptly snap open.

For once, he drifts into consciousness rather swiftly, as if woken up by an alarm, even though his room is completely quiet. Memories of the previous night immediately flood his mind, quickening his heartbeat, pulling him awake with no ceremony.

The thought that it was all a dream _does_ cross his mind several times. He lies in bed, motionless, vaguely tired after a short morning of sleep that was both fitful and calm, unsure of what is real and what is not.

He remembers, that much he knows, he recalls it all so keenly.

Dan's gaze, locked on his. His expression when, without a word, they both agreed to just _go ahead_ with this. His face up close for about two seconds, before Phil shut his eyes and leaned in, allowing their lips to meet for the first time.

That first kiss, it was soft and tentative and gentle and unsure. The ones that followed were affirmations of what the first was not quite able to put across, each a little more confident and eager. And somehow, the more he's gotten, the more he was left wanting.

His heart is racing. Just thinking of it fills him with both warmth and dread in equal measure.

What if Dan _regrets_ the whole thing? What if he, unwittingly, forced himself on the boy?

This is hardly the infamous _morning after_ , but to Phil, it might as well be that. He's positively terrified of seeing Dan again; at the same time, he absolutely can't wait for it to happen. In short, Phil is a _mess_.

If romance movies are anything to go by, after your first kiss with a new person you're dropped off at your front porch and don't see them again until a bit later. You don't end up in the same house for the night, not unless the kiss leads to something more. You get a little downtime to ponder everything that's happened and spend a few hours by yourself in the blissful state of uncertainty mixed with pining.

 

Phil gulps, out of breath.

He _wants_ to see Dan. He wants to be sure.

He feels around for his phone until he finds it and quickly types out a message, hesitating for another few minutes before finally pressing send.

 

_Phil (April 12, 3:02 PM)_

_Are you awake?_

_Please don't respond_ is fighting _please be awake_ in his mind for all of twenty seconds before he hears the familiar beep, alerting him of a new text.

 

**_Dan (April 12, 3:02 PM)_ **

**_im honestly not sure_ **

****

Phil has no idea if that is good or bad, but what he _does_ know is that he can relate. He's still not entirely convinced that the previous night was not some sort of a silly figment of his hyperactive imagination.

The far less than brave part of him wants to hide underneath the covers never to emerge, but it is quickly overruled by the dominating part of his brain that is screaming nonsense at him, chanting _Dan, Dan, DAN_. He acts on impulse, just as he did the previous night, and quietly hopes for a similar outcome.

 

_Phil (April 12, 3:03 PM)_

_Can I come over there?_

He waits, not knowing what to expect, scared out of his mind, overthinking everything into oblivion. Logic tells him there is nothing to be afraid of, because whatever he's felt, Dan must have felt it too. But he still wishes he could've just woken up next to him and seen it for himself first thing. His thoughts are treacherous, he despises the moments when they catch up to him and refuse to let go.

 

Just as he starts typing a _Dan? Are you there?_ , the door opens to reveal the very cause of his emotional (rather blissful really, for the most part) turmoil.

He props himself up on his elbows immediately, for once not hitting his head against anything, and slowly takes in Dan's form.

The boy is barefoot, wearing baggy sweat pants combined with a dark blue t-shirt that Phil knows he often wears to bed. The way he stands is somewhat rigid, as if he too is nervous, but by the time Phil's eyes meet Dan's, they're both smiling so wide that their cheeks hurt.

After months of friendship, they don't really have to say anything at this moment; just one look is sufficient to wash the majority of Phil's worries away. Dan's lips are pursed in a smile until he snaps and lets out a disbelieving chuckle, not tearing his eyes away from Phil.

This should feel at least a little bit awkward, and in a way, Phil does feel unsure, uncertain. On the other hand, he finds that he already knows Dan - that there is nothing to be afraid of, that Dan would certainly say so if something felt wrong.

Phil sits up properly, cross-legged, and Dan sits down next to him. The look on his face speaks volumes.

Phil doesn't think he's ever seen Dan smile like this. Phil also doesn't think that he's ever smiled like this himself.

He scoots over closer, putting them both in immediate proximity. He simply stares at Dan for what feels like an eternity; only after a pause does he finally whisper, “Yesterday, did you- did you- did you  _mean_  it?”

“Did  _you_?” Dan shoots back in a voice that is still laced with the last remnants of sleep as well as a whole lot of worry, eyes flitting all over Phil’s face, as if trying to read his mind.

Phil nods somewhat shyly, feeling equal parts ecstatic and terrified, but in the end, the only thing that remains is the racing beat of his heart, pounding against his rib cage.

"You too?" Phil asks again, still uncertain.

“Are you kidding me? I’m  _happy_ ,” Dan utters in disbelief, lips curling up into a smile that perfectly matches the sentiment.

Try as he may, Phil can’t think of a better thing to hear right now; actually, he doesn’t think he ever could.

 

The moment doesn’t pass, it only changes into something quite different.

He leans in first, or perhaps they both lean in at the same time. Doesn’t really matter, does it?

What truly matters is the way they both meet right in the middle in a kiss that starts out shy but grows more confident by the second, promising discoveries that are still yet to come; a kiss that leaves them both wanting more, because it is so much and yet not nearly enough.

Is there even an  _enough_?

 

Once they finally part, they look each other in the eyes for another moment that Phil's heartbeat can hardly handle anymore. He stares at Dan with something akin to reverence, still in wonder at being able to just up and kiss him.

He wants to stay there, to keep kissing Dan until they are both left panting for breath or until his alarm wakes him up, pulling him back down to earth to tell him that he's just having a really bloody realistic dream.

Dan, as if knowing his most secret thoughts, moves back in for another kiss, but that is precisely when Phil's body reminds him that he has still not had any breakfast.

In other words, his stomach rumbles _really_ loudly.

Dan looks dumbfounded for all of four seconds before bursting into laughter. Phil, on the other hand, turns red and hates his own body for being so uptight and not giving him some more time before whining about food.

"You're _such_ an idiot, Phil," Dan teases between chuckles.

"What? I'm hungry!" he exclaims, flustered.

"You're a _hungry_ idiot then."

Phil pouts, only further making Dan laugh.

"Go on then, you loser, let's get something to eat," Dan says, standing up and waiting for Phil to do the same.

He stares at the boy for a moment, conflicted. He'd rather just stay here and keep exploring this - whatever _this_ is. He was also hoping for some kind of resolution - what happened, what do we call this, can I keep kissing you freely?

Finally, he settles for a quick shrug. They've got time, he thinks, and he's no longer fourteen - not everything has to be introduced by a grand conversation.

Some things just slip into your life without you even noticing. Perhaps Dan is one of those things.

 

~~~~~

 

The day just flies by, and Phil finds himself surprised by the way everything seems different, but also, everything stays the same. It's odd and unexpected and he doesn't quite know how to deal with it, but for once, he turns off his brain and drinks in this newfound, tentative, less-than-24-hour-old happiness he's found with Dan.

There are no grand gestures and no confessions. He figures it's a little early for either of those, even if his heart, ever so irresponsible, doesn't truly agree.

Things are a tad awkward, because they're good friends and suddenly they're _not_ , at least there's something else going on, even if it's too new to have a name. But as soon as Phil stops thinking all too much, it seems natural to sit down next to Dan, on the bed, both of their backs propped against a plethora of pillows. It seems perfectly fine to wrap an arm around him and pull him close for no other reason than simply _wanting_ to do it.

It feels _more_ than perfect to kiss the boy on the cheek as they're watching a movie; it feels like an everyday thing when he then allows his gaze to linger on Dan's face, finding pleasure in observing the grin that seems to have taken permanent residence there, as of today.

 

This first day, they don't talk all too much. Phil figures they're both in a daze - he knows that he's got so many feelings he wants to voice right now, but also doesn't feel that he should, not quite yet. Due to this, he can't bring himself to talk and joke as much as he normally would.

Dan surely knows where Phil wants this to go, it's impossible for him to be oblivious to it. Talking can be put off for another day.

 

It's a peaceful afternoon that fades into a lazy night. There's food in bed, watching TV, Dan playing something on his laptop, with Phil lazily keeping track of the game and interrupting Dan every chance he gets.

This is much different from any _first date_ he's ever been on, and it is also unlike any first kiss he's ever shared with anybody. It's just them, with something _new_ on top of what they've already had before.

 

Around 2 AM, Phil catches Dan dozing off now and then, and eventually remarks on it.

"You're tired," he says, "Wanna finish this tomorrow?"

Dan rubs at his eyes in a weary gesture and shakes his head.

"I don't want to go yet," he mumbles, staring at the television, even though Phil is quite sure that the boy doesn't actually register much of what is happening on the screen.

"Dan, you're literally falling asleep," Phil insists, although he doesn't let go of the hold he's got on the boy, pressing Dan further into the crook of his neck.

Silence lingers in the room, interrupted only by the faint hum of the show they're watching. Dan breaks it after some time, mumbling, "I don't sleep well in there."

Phil frowns and immediately inquires, "Is something wrong with the room? You could switch to Martyn's? Or I could swap with you?" he rushes to supply solutions, but Dan only tilts his head backwards, resting it on Phil's arm as he does so, and gives him a side glance.

"I got used to having somebody else in the room," he admits, "It's too quiet in there."

Phil frowns, because he too has had trouble sleeping the past two nights, but for the first one of the two he was dead-set on avoiding Dan, and last night, well, it's a wonder he's managed to fall asleep at all.

"Maybe it's just the new place," he mutters without conviction. "I always sleep badly when I'm on holiday. My Mum says it's due to the different placement of my bed in relation to the magnetic core of the Earth."

Dan pulls an amused face, if somewhat against his will. "I'm quite certain your Mum wouldn't say something like that, Phil. Sounds more like another one of your _conspiracy theories_."

"Oi!" Phil smacks the boy on the arm. "It's pure science! 'sides, you haven't met my Mum. Although I guess you will, tomorrow or so."

"Don't need to meet her to guess she's probably more normal than you. Not everyone's a weirdo."

"It runs in the family," Phil says, unoffended.

"Fuck me, if it does then you've got one hell of a family," Dan teases, but the sad look in his eyes doesn't go amiss.

Phil is about to respond in a similar manner, but then Dan continues, "And it's not that I'm in a different place. When you were gone over Christmas, I've had trouble sleeping too."

Dan looks away from him, as if ashamed of what he's just admitted to. Phil, although awkward, finds himself feeling stupidly gratified by the thought of Dan actually sleeping better when he is around. After all, the same has proven to be true for him, too.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," he agrees quietly, then adds in a shaky voice, "Could just sleep here tonight, then?"

"Naah, 'm fine," Dan dismisses without malice, smiling up at him. "But thanks."

But Phil's plan is already alive and well, thank you very much, and no matter what Dan says, the thought remains for the rest of the night, until Dan leaves to go to bed.

 

-

 

Twenty or so minutes after they part, Phil, already in his pyjamas, swallows down a large bundle of nerves as he knocks on the door to the guest room, softly so as not to wake Dan if he's already managed to fall asleep.

"Yeah?" the boy calls out, and Phil enters without further ceremony.

"Hey," he says. He observes the way Dan scans him, takes note of the pillow and blanket that Phil is carrying, shoots him a questioning look.

"What's that for?" Dan inquires, pointing to the pillow.

"You didn't wanna sleep there, so I figured I'll sleep here instead! We're both tired, could use some good sleep," Phil says cheerfully. "Plus, if my Mum and Dad are coming tomorrow, you're gonna need all the energy you can get," he adds as an afterthought.

The boy remains silent, frowning in confusion and choosing not to protest until Phil begins to set down his things on the carpet, preparing for a night spent on the floor. At that, Dan peeks out of bed and grabs Phil's arm in protest.

"Have you lost your mind? Come on up here, we're not on a fucking _camping trip_ ," Dan exclaims, voice thick with emotion. When Phil looks up to meet his eyes, he is greeted by a fond, if slightly shaky, smile; a smile that he is quick to return as he climbs into bed, placing his pillow next to Dan's.

Once he settles in, they're both laying on their backs, much as they were the previous night, out there in Phil's secret hideout. He turns his head to look at Dan, and is not at all surprised when the boy does the exact same thing. Mere inches separate them from touching, but those too disappear when Phil leans in and gives Dan a chaste kiss right on the lips.

"G'night," he then whispers, still close enough for their lips to lock once more.

"Night," Dan replies with a serene grin.

They both fall asleep soon after, close but not nearly close enough.

 

~~~~~

 

The next few days fly by in a blur of emotion, new experiences, longing and confusion and testing the waters, exploring old boundaries and mapping out new ones to match their constantly changing relationship.

Phil's parents only come back for the last two days of their spring break, and until they do, Phil and Dan share the bed every night. On more than one occasion, they wake up closer than they were upon falling asleep, but never close enough for it to classify as cuddling; Phil supposes that's a good thing really, all things considered, but he irrationally still wants _more_.

 

They kiss and they hold hands and they're still much the same, but Phil's heart is overflowing with this amazing _warmth_ , and all the weeks he's spent denying having any feelings for Dan swiftly catch up to him. They catch up to him and pin him to the ground and grow stronger by the minute, and he knows he's a complete idiot for falling so deep so fast, but somehow, he trusts Dan not to hurt him.

 

Dan is a real trooper when it comes to interacting with Phil's parents and his Mum quickly deems him _the most well-behaved boy she's ever seen in her entire life_ , and while Phil expected Dan to grow tired of his Mum's endless chatter, Dan seems quite taken with her; he even tells Phil as much, saying he's lucky to have such a family.

Behind Dan's back, Phil's Mum makes all sorts of assumptions about the relationship between the two, and Phil neither confirms nor denies them, simply leaving it for a later date.

The last two days, they're spoiled with food and Scrabble and watching rugby on the telly, and strange as it may be, Phil is more than happy to let his Mum hog Dan for the entire duration of their stay.

Somehow, he senses that this might be just what Dan needs right now.

When everyone heads to bed, Phil and Dan too go to their separate rooms.

Nobody needs to know that Phil later sneaks out, like a hopeless teenager, and goes to sleep next to Dan.

 

Phil doesn't feel the least bit jealous when his Mum gives Dan a gigantic hug prior to their departure, and when she exclaims something along the lines of _Oh Daniel, you're such a wonderful boy! You'll be coming back, won't you? Take care of my Phil, someone's got to, he's such a ditzy lad!_ , Phil really only loves her a little bit more for it.

 

~~~~~

 

 

"Come on, _spill_! Hellooo, Earth to Philip Lester? Stop being a giant twit and talk to your beloved friend PJ!"

"I _am_ talking!"

"You're doing a piss poor job at it, though."

Phil rolls his eyes theatrically, picking up yet another textbook off the shelf. After the daze he's been in for the past month, he's going to need all the help he can get to pass his swiftly approaching exams.

"Spill, spill, spill," PJ chants meanwhile, standing behind Phil with both his hands planted on Phil's shoulders, propping himself up as he jumps up and down like a little, overly excited, child.

"Spill _what_?" Phil asks innocently.

"You know what. I'm not blind, at least nowhere near as blind as you with your mole rat glasses. There's something going on and you _know it_."

"Hey, I like my glasses!" he argues, moving on to the next part of the library in search of more books to try and do some studying, sometime, eventually, perhaps, _maybe_.

"Who is it? It's _totally_ Dan, I know it's Dan."

Phil's heartbeat quickens just at hearing the boy's name. He makes well sure not to look at PJ for the time being.

"Who is what?"

"You know what!" PJ exclaims impatiently, "I've known you all my life, Lester, and you've got a severe case of heart eyes when looking at that kid."

Phil counts down to five in his mind before responding, "I have no idea what you're talking about." After a moment, he adds, "And Dan is _not_ a kid. He's almost nineteen."

PJ bursts into laughter, shaking his head. "I don't get why you won't just _tell_ me. I've told you about Chris."

"I've got nothing to tell, that's why."

It's an obvious lie, but he still doesn't own up to it. Luckily for Phil, PJ is not easily offended and settles with a shrug, deciding to keep on bothering him another day.

Perhaps the next time the subject comes up, Phil will be better prepared to address it.

 

-

 

He slips into their room, hoping to see Dan, and he's not at all disappointed.

The boy is sat on the bed with headphones in his ears, but upon Phil's return, he immediately pulls them out and gets up, a wide grin on his face.

 

It's been a month since their first kiss, but Phil still can't control the rush of adrenaline that consumes him when Dan walks up to him, grabs his hand and drags him to the bed, turning around to kiss him as he does so.

 

The piece of furniture is too small for one, let alone two, but that hasn't been a big obstacle for the boys. Over the course of the few days they've spent at Phil's family home, they got used to sharing the bed, and much like holding hands or kissing, this too became a habit that just sort of _stuck_. They make it work, and Phil is content despite the lack of space - or rather, _thanks to the lack of space_ , as this means that on most mornings he wakes up with Dan's head buried somewhere into the crook of his neck. He's definitely not complaining.

They've not gone past kissing, although lately, as they've been getting used to one another, even that is starting to progress into something else. It's getting harder to pull away, and even harder for Phil to gather his bearings once they do.

Like everything else with Dan, this thing between them - still yet to be named - has been really gradual, and Phil hasn't been trying to push it in any way. He's fine with it taking time. He's happy to have it at all.

He does, however, perhaps due to a daft, romantic notion, find himself wanting to label whatever it is that he's found with Dan.

He has been toying with the idea of bringing it up for quite some time, but his latest conversation with PJ serves as the catalyst to choose today of all days.

After a deep breath, he finally builds up the courage to ask, "Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking-" he stutters, pausing briefly; long enough for Dan to throw in a _Wow, how did that go for you?_ which earns him an elbow to the ribs.

"I've been thinking," he tries again, "D'you reckon we could... I don't know, tell people? Like our friends or something?"

"Tell people what?" Dan asks, oblivious, looking up at Phil.

They're a tangled mess of clothed limbs, and this makes Phil re-think his decision to bring this up when they're so close, when Dan's face is mere inches from his, distracting him and stubbornly heating up his cheeks. Phil has always been the kind of person to speak before thinking, and no matter how much he tries, it seems he truly is rather hopeless.

"Well, err, I mean- whatever we've got, I guess? You and me, I mean," he blurts out awkwardly, looking everywhere but at Dan, because they haven't discussed this yet, and because he doesn't know if Dan even wishes to discuss it at all.

Comprehension settles in and silence follows, and the longer it stretches, the faster Phil's heart beats.

"I thought we could just keep it as it is for now," Dan mutters at last, "I mean, it's _fine_ now, isn't it? Why bother?"

Phil mentally calls himself an idiot, because his heart sinks at that.

He's so _proud_ to have Dan. He wants to tell the whole bloody world before he bursts with affection for this boy who once hated him with a passion, and now kisses him with far more passion on a daily basis.

"Well, Peej has been bugging me to tell him what's up," Phil says, forcing himself to sound relatively casual. "I've barely seen him for the entire past month and he thinks I've got someone new."

"PJ is not a twelve year old girl, Phil," Dan retorts, "I'm sure he'll be alright."

"Why can't we just tell him?" Phil asks, dropping the careless act.

"Why do we have to?" Dan shoots back.

"I thought we were-" Phil pauses at that, hoping that Dan will get the message without him having to spell it out.

"Yeah well, that doesn't mean we have to go around _telling_ people, does it?"

"Is it _bad_ if people know? Why does it matter?" he presses.

 "I'd just rather not," Dan dodges with no further explanation.

If his heart sunk before, it's now dropped all the way to the pit of his stomach.

 

Why can't he tell people that he's with Dan? What they've been doing is far past the boundaries of friendship, and they've both given away little bits of affection on a daily basis. They spoke of being in love on the very first night, and although neither said it out loud since then, Phil is completely certain when it comes to his feelings for Dan. He doesn't have to call it love for it to be exactly that - a strong feeling of infatuation that runs much deeper than just that.

"Are you having second thoughts?" he asks without thinking.

Dan moves away at that, in order to have a proper look at Phil.

"Obviously not!" he exclaims. "I just think we're fine as it is. What are you gonna tell him, anyway? _Oh yeah Dan and I make out on a daily basis, want pics_?"

Heat rushes to his cheeks as he responds, "But it's more than that, isn't it? I could just as well tell him that you're my boyfriend," he whispers.

He's never called Dan his _boyfriend_ before and in truth, he doesn't know how the boy might react to being labeled as such. He shoots Dan nervous glances that are met by a surprised (although to Phil's relief, not _angry_ ) expression.

"I still don't get how it even matters," Dan mumbles without addressing the part that Phil holds the most interest in.

Now that he's received a response, he realizes that this whole thing is not about wanting to tell PJ. Well, perhaps on the surface, it very well might be. But deep down?

He just wanted to give a proper name to the situation. He hoped to be able to call Dan _his_ \- just as he'd like to be Dan's - and finally leave the uncertain territory he's found himself in.

 _It's childish_ , he chastises himself in his thoughts, _And it's too soon. Dan's right, it doesn't even matter_.

But Phil can be as reasonable as he wants, his brain and his heart still often tend to disagree on matters such as these. Unfortunately for him, he usually follows his heart instead of his brain.

As such, when he speaks again, his voice is nowhere near as regular as he'd prefer it to be. "Are you ashamed of it or something?" he asks in an uncertain tone.

Dan frowns in reply, clearly uncomfortable, perhaps unsure as to where this is coming from.

"'course not," he replies at last, "Just don't wanna tell people. What's it to them? This is between..." He pauses briefly. "Between us, you know."

Phil lets out a long, shaky sigh upon hearing _us_. And it _does_ help. It _does_ make it a little better.

 

However, this doesn't mean that Phil won't want more. On the contrary, he can't understand why Dan doesn't want to go through with this. Why not just make it official and quit trying to hide it among friends?

Doesn't Dan want to?

"So you don't want anybody to know that we're - that we do _this_ ," Phil states, motioning between them to indicate kissing.

Dan, avoiding his gaze, looks down at their joined hands instead.

"I just don't see the point."

He feels like he's been punched in the throat, stupid as it may be.

"Right."

 

They don't talk much for the rest of the night, and when the time comes to go to sleep, Phil, straight from the shower, somehow ends up in his own bed.

Dan doesn't even question it when he remains there as they turn off the lights to go to sleep.

 

Phil sleeps like crap, but he doesn't join Dan that night, even though everything tells him that he should.


	13. Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it boring that I always begin by saying thank you? I sure hope it's not, because I really do want to THANK YOU for your comments, kudos, everything!  
> My weeks normally consist of work, work, work and wanting to go right back to sleep. It's you guys that make my life so much brighter. Thank you, and please let me know if you enjoy this one too. It truly does make my day :)
> 
> P.S I'm waking up in 4 hours again. Booooo!

 

The day following what Phil deems to be their first fight since _the thing_ had begun is a day spent on trying - and failing - to find adequate distraction.

He wakes up. Dan isn't there; he's even made his bed, something they both rarely bothered to do over the course of the last month.

 _Surprise_.

He puts on the first thing that comes up out of the pile of clothes that has taken permanent residence on their one functional chair. Later on during the day, he discovers that the shirt he picked up is actually Dan's.

He drags himself to class, bumping into Peej and Chris on the way, saying next to nothing for the entire duration of their walk.

During class, PJ texts him to ask if he's okay. He sends back a quick _yes of course!_ , complete with a few emojis to convey his supposedly cheerful mood.

He's spaced out for the entire day, really, which is foolish of him. He should be frantically grabbing the last bits of knowledge he'll be getting during this year of Uni, but instead, his mind is constantly bringing up Dan.

Last night, Dan didn't seem mad at him, not really. In truth, Phil isn't exactly mad either, just _confused_ , although there are bits of anger biting at him in the back of his head, too. And there he was, thinking that confusion is reserved for teenagers! Perhaps it's just reserved for people who don't know where they stand, regardless of age.

Does he want too much and too soon?

Perhaps his whole image of it all is skewed, because he's been pining for Dan for some time prior to their relationship progressing into something more. Maybe he just needs to take it easy and let things run their own course.

But...

There's still this nagging, ugly little voice in his head that's asking, _What if Dan is hiding something? Why can't we just tell people?_

He instantly scolds himself for even thinking such things. Dan is nothing short of _amazing_ , he would never do anything to consciously hurt Phil, and Phil is just being too needy; which is a new sensation to him, as he's never been this way with previous partners. With Charlie, he was usually reserved, or at least _fine_ when they were apart. He can't recall spending days on end just thinking about Charles, not in the same way he constantly does about Dan.

 

A deep sigh escapes his lips, accompanied by a slight shake of the head. He's supposed to be _studying_ , for fuck's sake. He looks at the plethora of books he's gotten from the library and just wants to chuck the whole bally lot out. Instead, he picks up one and begins to read, frowning as he attempts to focus.

The first thought about Dan intercepts his studies as he is on the third line of the table of contents. Phil is somewhat proud of himself, it was a truly _valiant_ effort. It can't possibly work out though, not when he is constantly on edge, waiting for Dan to return home.

Maybe he is just too demanding. Maybe he just needs to relax. Why label things in the first place? His whole life is one big label. Maybe what he's got with Dan needs to be the one thing to stand out from the rest.

 

Maybe he just wants Dan to trust him.

Perhaps it's just that he wants him to open up.

Perhaps he just wants to know _where the hell he even disappears to_.

And if a selfish, childish, stupid little part of him also wishes to tell the world how lucky he is to have even found Dan in the first place, he doesn't have to let that part of himself have a proper say in the matter, does he?

 

-

 

By the time Dan sneaks into the room in the evening, Phil's mind is a mess: torn between wanting to be mad at the boy and just wanting to leap into his arms. Both the options tell Phil no good things about his own maturity, but right now, he's far past the point of caring about that.

 _Play it cool, Phil_ , he tells himself, _Don't get too enthusiastic_.

For all of twenty seconds, he obeys his own rules; he even goes as far as to knit his brows for an instant.

But he slips up, he always does with Dan. He allows himself to properly look at the boy, to meet his somewhat stormy but mostly apologetic, uncertain expression with a matching one of his own.

He melts, not quite literally, but he does experience the same feeling of warmth, of excitement, _butterflies_ even - the feeling Dan always causes in him, every single day without fail. It's an automatic response that Phil has no control over, and even if he did, he's not sure if he'd want it to stop. As usual with Dan, his resolve is slipping through his fingers at a disappointingly steady rate.

“Where have you been?” Phil asks, no greeting and no  _I’m sorry_  yet. His aim is to use up what remains of his anger, and to use it for a good cause.

Dan’s gaze hardens, but Phil knows this look; underneath the indifference lies something akin to sadness.

Just like that, he crumples, piece by piece. Hell, he doesn’t  _want_ to be mad. He wants to hold Dan and kiss him and forget last night had even happened. Is it that easy? Is it that simple?

“Just out,” Dan replies. Phil knows it’s a lie, he can tell by the way Dan averts his gaze, looks all over the room briefly before sitting down on his own bed instead of next to Phil.

“Out doing  _what_?” he presses.

Dan lets out a long suffering sigh. “What’s it to you?”

Phil rolls his eyes, because  _really_ , they’re  _far_  past that bloody point now and Dan is well aware of it. He shakes his head and can’t help smiling at the ridiculousness of it all. Dan is seemingly right there with him. When he glances at the boy, he finds him fighting amusement over his own silly retort.

“I think you know, Dan,” he responds eventually, calmly, previous mirth all washed out from his voice.

Dan looks down to the floor, elbows on his knees, laced fingers stretching nervously. 

The room is silent for what feels like forever.

"I'm sorry I don't wanna go around telling everybody, alright?" the boy blurts out at last. "I'm not saying _never_ , I'm saying _not now_."

Phil's heart is beating out a frantic rhythm at an increasing pace. He's been thinking of this conversation ever since the previous night; he mulled it over in his head a thousand times, but as per usual, the scenarios he creates in his mind have nothing to do with reality. There are no scripts for things like this. It's not a video he can cut and edit, it's real life. To make matters worse, this is someone he truly, genuinely _cares_ about.

He feels nervous and knows he's on the verge of blowing things out of proportion.

"PJ is not _everybody_."

Dan shoots him a doubtful glance. "No, but as long as anyone else knows, it's _bound_ to get out."

"I trust Peej more than anybody else, he'd keep it secret," Phil argues instead of getting to the point, and only when Dan appears to be taken aback does he hastily add, "Aside from you, I mean."

Dan smirks, but there is no mirth in the expression. "'s alright, I've hardly given you reasons to trust me, have I?"

"You've given me plenty," Phil disagrees.

They stare each other down from across the room. The yearning to get up and pull Dan into his arms is becoming quite overwhelming. Phil can't pinpoint what it is that he wants exactly, but he is quite certain that getting into fights with Dan is definitely _not_ it.

Phil is not fully aware of it, but his expression slowly changes, from somewhat stern into something soft, filled with longing. Dan observes him without a word, biting down on his bottom lip nervously.

This could, and in all likelihood _will_ , go on for however long it takes, but he doesn't want it to continue.

Phil exhales and pushes all other thoughts aside. He stands up, and as if on cue, Dan does the same.

Not for the first time, they meet right in the middle.

The moment Phil opens up his arms, Dan falls into them, embracing him tight, arms wrapped around his waist, head pressed up into the crook of his neck.

For the first time since last night, Phil is breathing freely.

Phil plants a soft kiss on the top of Dan's head, causing the boy to look up so that they can share a proper kiss; a soft thing that speaks volumes of the affection that flows between the pair. Once they part, they remain close, both refusing to let go.

"You don't mind, then?" Dan whispers uncertainly.

"Don't mind what?" Phil asks, voice husky, his Northern accent slipping past the more neutral London dialect he's already managed to adapt.

"Not telling people yet?"

"No, it's fine," he gives in immediately. "'sides, you're right, what would we even tell them?" he adds after a pause.

Silence lingers for a while long enough for Phil to think that Dan surely agrees with him on the matter, but it is eventually broken by Dan himself.

"I mean, I guess we _are_ \- well, what you said, last night," Dan mumbles into his chest out of the blue. Phil pulls away to see the boy's face and finds him to be blushing ever so slightly.

He could just as well play stupid and pretend he doesn't get it, but he won't torture Dan with that, considering that he's so obviously flustered.

"So you'd want to be my boyfriend?" he asks out right in a disbelieving tone, clearly far more accustomed to the word than Dan is.

Dan chuckles despite it all. "Honestly Phil, what'd you think this was? No, I'd much rather be your German teacher, clearly," he scoffs, equal parts embarrassed and amused.

Phil's smile is wide enough to nearly split his face in two as he replies, "I could really use one of those though! I can only say _nein_ and _guten tag_."

"That's still more than me, so I'm afraid you're on your own on this one."

"That's a shame," Phil retorts, "I guess I'll have to find a secondary _boyfriend_ to be my German tutor, then."

Dan starts laughing and pulls away a tad, if only to nudge Phil in the chest lightly, exclaiming, "Good luck with that! I don't think you'll find anybody else to put up with you for this long, you spoon."

"No, I guess not," Phil agrees fondly, taking no offense. In truth, he doesn't _want_ anybody else to put up with him; he's more than content with just Dan.

 

Phil gazes into Dan's eyes, dumbfounded, blissful, _happy_. Not for the first time, they both simultaneously and wordlessly decide there is nothing else to say on the matter. After all, only actions seem to have the power to convey even a small part of what Phil feels for Dan.

And so, without any further ado, they lock lips again, starting out shy as is often the case, but swiftly progressing into kisses that are needy, desperate, filled with an underlying tension that can't seem to find release.

Phil's hands move all the way up Dan's back, finding purchase in the boy's hair, playing with it, tugging at it lightly. Dan simply settles for pulling Phil close, always the more subdued of the two, but there is fire in his eyes that leads Phil's thoughts astray. They stumble backwards onto Phil's bed, but they don't part for one moment.

Phil sits down, surprisingly conscious enough to avoid the blasted shelf he usually smacks his head against, and Dan follows, straddling him without any second thought.

It is then that Phil realizes that this isn't like their previous kisses, that the tension he's been experiencing is more than that; that there's a strange kind of heat added to the usual sense of warmth, and he doesn't quite know how to deal with it.

He stares at Dan, wide-eyed, as the boy leans in again, eager to keep their lips locked. Eventually, their tongues meet in a deep caress that leaves them both panting for breath, wanting more, not knowing whether they should stop or keep going.

Mind void of any further thought, Phil allows himself the pleasure of breaking their kiss only to allow his mouth to explore. His lips brush past Dan's jaw, placing wet, sloppy, open-mouthed kisses all along the way, only to then move down to his neck, repeating the ministrations, enjoying the softness of the boy's skin accompanied by a soft gasp that escapes Dan's lips.

He remains keenly aware of their rather compromising position. Dan is in his lap, seemingly content with being at Phil's mercy. They're not moving, not in a way that could make the tension _worse_ , thankfully, but none of this is making it any better.

Somehow, this feels like the kind of thing that shouldn't just _happen_ without any further ado, not when Phil knows of Dan's unnamed insecurities.

When Dan, somewhat subconsciously, grinds against him, Phil instantly stills and breathes, "We should -- we should probably _stop_ , Dan."

Dan lets out a low whine that makes Phil's skin crawl (in a disturbingly good way, he might add), but he does settle down and eventually, with a parting kiss, climbs off Phil's lap only to sit down next to him.

"Wow," Dan exhales, "I guess we've made up, then?"

Phil looks to the side to meet his gaze; Dan's eyes are glassy, cheeks red, mouth still slightly agape. Phil supposes he looks much the same, a disheveled mess no doubt. He grabs Dan's hand, holds on to it firmly.

"I don't know," he teases. "I think I'm still rather mad at you."

The boy smirks at him and replies in the same tone, "Same. Honestly, I actually kind of _hate_ you."

Phil loves the way Dan says that, because these three words, spoken with so much affection, say nothing of hate, but speak volumes of the polar opposite of it.

As he slowly begins to calm down, he realizes that even though things aren't resolved, he at least somewhat knows where they stand now. However...

"Dan," he begins before he talks himself out of it. "Where d'you always disappear to? Really."

He doesn't let go of his hand, and takes the liberty of calling it a good sign when Dan flinches, but doesn't attempt to move away. The boy looks as though he's got the wind knocked out of him, strangely resigned, but not quite as unhappy as he seemed to be just an hour ago.

"You're not letting that go, are you?" Dan mutters with a rueful smile.

"All things considered, do you really expect me to?" Phil retorts in a similar tone.

Dan shrugs in reply, remaining silent for a whole minute as he mulls it all over for a moment, and finally blurts out, "It's not at all exciting, really. I have a job."

Phil's mouth falls open in surprise. He's imagined a million terrible scenarios, but this sounds far too _normal_ to match Dan's strange disappearances.

"A job? Is it _legal_?"

"What do you mean _legal_?" Dan shoots back, baffled.

"Like can you go to actual prison for it?"

The boy lets out a burst of laughter at that and responds, "Mate, I work in a flipping _hardware store_. It's hardly illegal." He pauses, then adds, "And I'm _really_ shit at it too. I've gotten fired four times so far."

"And you're still working there?"

"Yeah, they're constantly understaffed, so basically one twat of a manager fires me saying I suck, the other one asks me back the next day," Dan replies as if it's all nothing out of the ordinary, but it truly is. To Phil, the whole thing seems crazy.

He's imagined the worst of things - drugs and a secret girlfriend and heaven knows what - but this? No, somehow never _this_.

"Why haven't you just told me?" Phil finally asks, having somewhat wrapped his mind around it. "I was seriously worried about you. And you're working sick hours! Why don't you just accept the money we get from our joint YouTube videos?"

Dan goes _whoa, whoa, not all at once_ , but he doesn't seem the least bit upset anymore. No, actually, there is a serene kind of relief on Dan's face that somewhat calms Phil down too, but this is still a big revelation to him, while Dan acts like it's no big deal. Phil supposes it's really not all that special, but it's one secret less, and for that, he is oddly grateful.

"It's nothing to be proud of, now is it?" Dan asks, not expecting a response. "I work a shit job and I'm about to fail my courses at Uni. Nothing to talk about, really, is there?"

"You're _not_ failing anything," he reassures, even though he knows Dan is not doing well at Uni. "And why do you need to work so much? You're gone for hours on end!"

Dan shoots him a look that would offend Phil if it was coming from anybody else; a look that makes him feel rather daft.

"I told you," Dan says slowly, "I don't have a family. Living here, school, all of it, it's bloody _expensive_. If not for this job I'd be royally fucked."

Phil squeezes Dan's hand a little harder, looking at him sadly. He knows of one thing, but so many other things remain completely unknown to him, and he's not going to push his luck by interrogating Dan even more. Tonight has already been an emotional rollercoaster, in both good ways and bad; Phil hardly needs to add even more to it.

So he drops it, if somewhat against his will. He doesn't ask what's happened to Dan's family and why he keeps getting fired from his job. He doesn't speak about the future.

He just lies there, letting the sound of Dan's steady breathing lull him to sleep, and when he wakes up, the boy is still there, with his head resting on Phil's chest.

 

And in his happiness, he leaves it all for another day.

 

~~~~~ 

 

The end of May signifies the beginning of their end of the year exams, and try as he may, Phil can hardly avoid that. He's not been very hard at work when it comes to studying and neither has Dan, and while the latter is still somewhat slacking off, the former tries to get them both back in shape. Dan, on the other hand, is still doubting his future as a law student and Phil has to struggle not to give him any advice other than _You should do what feels right, Dan. I'm here for you no matter._

Aside from their exams, lots of things are happening: Dan's birthday that Phil has to prepare for, their Muse concert at the end of the month, and the summer break that Phil will have to go home for. It's a busy, tiresome time, but getting to fall asleep next to Dan at the end of the day makes it all feel far more rewarding than it actually is.

They keep social interaction at an absolute minimum, but so do most students around this time of year; PJ hardly remarks on the fact that they've not hung out properly in over two weeks, which is not a surprise, as he too is buried in a pile of books. In truth, Phil has been avoiding his best friend, because he's made a promise to Dan to keep things secret, and he's pretty rubbish at keeping secrets from _anyone_ , let alone Peej.

Things between him and Dan are phenomenal, really, ever since Phil's decided to put all the doubts on a backburner for the time being.

They make videos and play games and watch anime, and when they study, they're still together, suffering side by side. Phil convinces Dan to show him where he works and since then, he makes a point to stop by whenever he knows Dan's got a shift at the store.

At night they sleep together, and Phil finds it harder and harder (quite _literally_ ) to draw the line at kissing, whilst Dan is doing nothing to help the situation; on the contrary, the boy seems to have taken a liking to having a certain power over Phil, and has almost made a game out of trying to push the boundaries Phil himself has so carefully placed, mostly for Dan's sake.

In short, studying proves to be _difficult_ to make time for.

 

At last, exam week rolls around and they're both stressed out of their minds. Phil, having learned from his own experience, all but forces Dan not to study anymore on exam days and they both do things which help them relax in the evening. At times, they just sit there in silence in each other's company, both on their respective laptops, linking each other funny pictures from time to time, and that too is enjoyable to Phil.

By the time Dan's birthday is coming up, their exams are over. All that remains is to wait for the results, and during this time, Phil has to maintain enough positivity for the two of them, as Dan is quite sure that he's failed all of his courses. Meanwhile, he's fixing Dan's presents - because he's got more than one up his sleeve - and for once, he is thankful for the boy's absence when he goes to work.

 

On June 11th, Phil impatiently waits for Dan to wake up, gazing at him with a loving expression, meeting his eyes the moment the boy opens them. Dan, at first taken aback due to finding Phil not only awake but also staring at him, smiles earnestly upon hearing a husky _Happy Birthday, Dan_ whispered close to his skin.

"I told you I don't celebrate," he says in lieu of a _thank you_ , voice still thick with sleep.

"But I do. I'm celebrating your birthday today!" Phil punctuates the declaration with a wide grin that Dan can't help but match.

They both sit up in bed and Phil, with a large dose of enthusiasm, forces Dan to close his eyes.

"Alright, now pull your hands out and open them up!" he exclaims, having gathered the presents he's prepared for Dan.

"I'm scared," Dan whines, "I haven't had my coffee yet, this is too much for me--"

Phil cuts him off with a kiss right on the lips, presents momentarily forgotten. Dan opens his eyes against Phil's instructions, but he doesn't look for the surprises that await him; no, he stares at Phil, pupils enlarged, surrounded by chocolate brown irises that Phil can't help but drown in.

Their lips meet yet again, and their mouths are restless, exploring one another without caring for trivial things such as breathing or stopping when it's appropriate.

Phil begins to feel the tension build up, a physical sensation that removes all sense and thought.

He can't possibly know what Dan really wants, but at the same time, it's not all that difficult to guess; Phil hopes that he can be at least somewhat accurate in his estimations. Because for the longest time, the only thing he's truly yearned for, is to grow closer and closer to Dan.

The boy, previously half asleep, seems to be far more alert now. He watches the change in his eyes, from sleepily happy to filled with longing. Phil imagines that his own gaze is much the same, because all he wants to do is keep kissing Dan.

"Close your eyes, Dan," Phil whispers, and Dan obeys without question.

Phil then pushes him back down on the bed, wrapping an arm around the boy's back to ensure a soft landing. He looms over him, not quite far enough for them not to touch, but not close for it to be very compromising.

Every time their lips meet, the feeling grows stronger. Each time they part, Phil finds it harder to catch his breath, to resist the urge to take this even further.

He can't, not now, not until he knows that Dan--

A knock on the door breaks them apart, Phil jumping off the bed as if it was made of lava, landing on the floor with a loud _thud_.

His pyjama pants feel tighter, and he's not oblivious enough to not know why.

A quick glance at Dan tells him that he is not the only one with that predicament. The discovery somehow only makes it worse,   _so_ much worse.

"Daaaan! Get up! It's your birthday!"

Bloody hell, it's Louise and they're both a disheveled mess and even if they were out in the open with their relationship, this would still be extremely awkward. They glance at each other, both red-faced and flustered, until Dan eventually gets up, corrects his pyjama bottoms with a flush, and goes to open the door.

"Hi Lou," Dan stutters, accompanied by Phil's _Hello_ coming somewhere from the carpet, where he sits cross-legged, determined not to move an inch until everything's okay again.

"Happy Birthday darling! I got you a present!" Louise exclaims, barging in, ignorant as to their current state. She even goes as far as to give Dan a big hug, one which he returns somewhat unwillingly, and then hands him his present - a brand new pair of big headphones, as Dan's managed to sit on his last pair and they broke.

The boy thanks her profusely, Phil chimes in stating that it's a lovely gift, and by the time Louise stops chattering happily, both the boys are less flustered and just a tad awkward. She doesn't stay long - she's got errands to run - but she'll come back in the evening and she hopes they'll both be here, she says, because she's bringing _cake_.

 

When she steps out, leaving them both with a kiss on the cheek each, Dan closes the door, looks at Phil and then bursts into a fit of uncontrolled laughter.

At first, Phil merely stares at him, dumbfounded. The whole situation is so bloody embarrassing, what's there to laugh about? But the more he recalls how mortified he was upon hearing a knock on the door in such a situation, the wider his smile grows, until he too is laughing loudly.

"I guess that's just how it is," he says at last, deciding not to comment on what _could have_ happened if they were not interrupted. Honestly, he doesn't know where to even begin, so he might as well leave it for another time; a strategy that he feels he is using far too often, in lack of a better one.

"Typical Dan and Phil moment," Dan agrees, cheeks still tinted red, as he sits down on the carpet across from Phil.

Phil clears his throat and leans backwards, grabbing a bag off the nightstand. "Your presents, then!" he exclaims, quite certain that he is still blushing. He hands Dan the bag and adds, "Happy Birthday, Dan. Again."

Dan rolls his eyes ever so slightly as he accepts the present, but he does seem touched by the gesture. "Thanks," he says, then peers inside the bag, finding a CD and an envelope.

The CD is blank, the cover only reads _For Dan_. Dan frowns in confusion and asks, "What's that?"

"Check and see!" Phil replies cryptically, somewhat nervous about all of the presents, this one in particular.

So Dan does. He puts the CD inside his laptop and runs it, finding a folder filled with mp3 files, which, after a questioning glance at Phil, he eventually plays.

Phil is well aware that Dan recognizes the very first notes of the song the moment it starts, but he still watches intently as Dan slowly realizes what it's all about.

Phil's made him a mix tape, of sorts, a CD of songs that remind him of Dan. The first one on the list is, of course, a song by Muse. It's called _Bliss_.

 

 _Everything about you is how I'd wanna be_  
Your freedom comes naturally  
Everything about you resonates happiness  
Now I won't settle for less  
  
Give me  
All the peace and joy in your mind  
  
Everything about you is so easy to love  
They're watching you from above

They sit in silence as that first song changes into another, at which point Dan whispers, "Thank you."

Phil nods with a smile, wordlessly asking the boy to check the other two things, both inside an envelope. The first one is a train ticket to Manchester.

"Manchester? But why?" Dan asks, puzzled.

"Dan, you're not going to sit here alone all summer," Phil answers, "I was hoping you'd come with me." When Dan doesn't say anything, merely frowning, he adds, "Well, I mean, I already told my parents I'm not going to Florida with them, so I really hope you'll come and stay, or _I_ will be the one to spend the summer alone, and that'd be--"

Phil's speech is intercepted by a tackle hug that he is quick to return, burying his nose in Dan's hair inhaling the smell of his shampoo.

"You're an idiot," Dan mutters fondly. "Of course I'll come with, you loser. Don't want you to get shanked in the woods while you're there."

Phil's wide grin is only matched by Dan's, but it's not over yet. He prods the boy to take out the last remaining present, which is just a piece of paper folded in two. Dan opens it, reads the content and once more turns to Phil for an explanation.

"It's the password to my YouTube channel," Phil explains, as if that makes any more sense.

"And? Are you giving it to me in case you are one day kidnapped or killed?" Dan teases.

"I'm giving it to you so you can make your own video! I _know_ you want to, Dan. I'll help you. Give it a try."

Once again, the boy appears to be quite taken aback, this time simply looking back down at the little bit of paper, smoothing it with his fingers. When Phil spots the ghost of a genuine smile once again blooming on his face, he knows this gift was not a miss either.

"You shouldn't have," Dan mumbles after a prolonged pause, eyes glazed over as he leans forward to give Phil a kiss. "But thanks. It means a lot."

 

Phil's so called mix tape plays in the background as they discuss their plans for Manchester, both happy, for once not worrying about the impending doom of exam results.

They sit there until the CD ends, and even then, they don't move for ages. Eventually, Dan does get up with the intention to shower.

Phil fights the urge to suggest that he _could_ come with.

 

When Dan steps out, towel and shower gel in hand, Phil moves to his bed and starts playing with his phone, absently thinking of the days ahead of them. The thoughts aren't unhappy; on the contrary, he feels quite hopeful about what is yet to come, and he knows that he's made Dan happy today. Lately, that's been the one thing to matter to him above everything else.

His silent reverie is broken by the sound of an incoming phone call, but it's not his phone that's ringing, it's Dan's.

Before he manages to catch himself, he is already glancing at the thing, curious as to who might be calling.

 

What he reads on the screen brings him no clarity whatsoever.

 

**_Incoming Call_ **

_Jake_

Dan's never mentioned a friend by that name, but Phil figures it's like his own Facebook friends. They all resurface on his birthday only to disappear for the rest of the year. He doesn't pay it much thought.

 

Once Dan returns, it is Phil's turn to go shower, giving the boy a quick peck on the cheek as he is about to leave. Right then, he remembers to mention, "Oh, right, you've had a phone call while you were gone. You might wanna check that out."

 

Phil is no longer there to witness the way all color suddenly fades from Dan's face upon checking the phone, finding the name _Jake_ in the list of missed calls.


	14. One Way To Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the overwhelmingly positive response to this fic. I say this every week but I never stop appreciating you all. You're AMAZING!!!!!! :)

The days following Dan's birthday seem to meld into one big blur of anxiety and happiness.

Anxiety, because _exam results_. Happiness, because _Dan_.

As for the latter, Dan seems a bit down in the dirt, so Phil does his best at trying to cheer up his roommate, from letting him win at games to holding him as they both drift to sleep. He wants Dan to do well; to ace his exams even though they're both very aware of the fact that Dan is simply not suited to be a lawyer. It's not his calling and not his interest. Even so, Phil, sensing that failing anything at all will a huge blow to Dan's self-esteem, supports him and keeps his fingers crossed at all possible times.

Hope is one thing, reality is another. Even with all of Phil's endless faith in Dan's abilities, it's not really a surprise to either of them when the results come in and Dan's premonitions are proven to be true - he's failed not just one, but two of his courses, and he's going to have to re-sit the exams in August.

Dan takes the news surprisingly well, having pretty much expected this for the past few months. Phil, however, takes it upon himself to cheer him up in any way possible and, perhaps for the benefit of the both of them, avoids talking about the future. He doesn't want big conversations, doesn't want life-changing decisions, he just wants to catch a break - he wants Dan to relax, and striking up such discussions is the opposite of what makes any person relaxed. So Phil pretends that no big life-altering choices lie ahead of the two of them.

Phil is doing a good job averting the subject as they wrap up their things and begin to pack. It's actually Dan that brings it up, two days prior to them leaving London for the summer.

They're both on the bed, cramped in the very limited space, but also perfectly content to remain close. They've got a show playing on Phil's laptop that neither pays much attention to, both preoccupied with the pleasant, serene sensation of proximity. Dan's head is tucked near Phil's shoulder, making eye contact rather difficult.

"I don't know if I should come with," Dan says out of nowhere, eyes glued to the screen.

Phil is startled, immediately alert, because why would Dan suddenly change his mind? He looks at the boy, but his gaze remains unreturned.

"What? _Why_?" he exclaims, urgency clear in his voice.

"It's two months worth of work here, Phil. Could really use the cash."

"You should use the summer to revise, not work," Phil reminds his flatmate, forced to mention it, effectively destroying his previous efforts.

Dan scoffs, moving away slightly in order to look Phil in the eyes, shooting him a resigned look.

"Actually, I've been thinking of dropping out."

The silence lasts for all of ten seconds before Phil echoes, " _Dropping out_?"

Dan rolls his eyes in reply. "Phil, you know I'm rubbish at this. Nothing I can do about it, is there? I'm just too fucking stupid."

Phil's heart clenches, because there is not even the smallest shade of doubt in the way Dan says it, as if it's an obvious truth, apparent to everyone but Phil.

"That's not true," he protests. "Besides, you could always change courses. There's still a little time to apply."

"Change courses and study what? _Procrastination 101: How to destroy your life_?" Dan says wryly.

Phil grins, but sobers up very quickly. "Study something you _like_ , for a change. What _do_ you like, Dan?" he asks, determined not to let Dan spiral into a state of complete surrender. Dan's strong, Dan is brave, and Phil is not letting him give up, no matter how difficult things may tend to be.

"You," Dan replies without missing a beat, a smirk blooming on his face upon seeing the way Phil instantly turns red.

"Look at you, thinking you can avoid the subject by being nice to me for a change," Phil chides, not even attempting to hide how pleased he is with Dan's little attempt at distraction.

"What do you mean, _for a change_?" Dan asks in mock indignation.

Phil elbows him in the ribs, making the younger of the two wince and swat his arm away.

"Don't change the subject, Dan," Phil says gently once their oh-so-unmanly giggles die down, pulling back ever so slightly, because having Dan in his arms is doing nothing to help him remain focused on the matter at hand.

Dan sighs heavily, pondering his reply, biting down on his bottom lip as he does so.

That does not help Phil in the slightest, not really. But then again, Dan usually tends to make things _difficult_ , not the least bit simple.

"I don't know," Dan breathes at last. "I thought of taking like, a gap year. See where that takes me, work, save up some money."

In all honesty, it's not an unreasonable idea. Lots of students take a gap year at some point, even if most do it _before_ their studies, not _during_ them. However, it's an idea that Phil could certainly get behind -

Wait. Wait. Hold on.

If Phil's heart was clenched before, it is now in the process of sinking, diving somewhere into the bottomless pit that is his stomach, stopping all will to breathe.

"Phil? You okay?" Dan asks with concern, clearly aware of how pale Phil must've gone over the past thirty seconds.

"But then you'd have to move out of the dorms, wouldn't you?" he utters, quite unable to keep his voice as unmoved as he might wish to.

Dan frowns, as if that fact has only just occurred to him.

"Shit," is all the boy says, mulling it over. "Yeah."

Phil, not wanting to be selfish, quickly goes to add, "I mean, if you feel it's the right thing to do, you really _should_ do it, Dan--"

"No, that's out. I didn't think of the dorm thing," Dan quips.

"I'm sure you could get a place," Phil says weakly in reply once the silence begins to stretch uncomfortably.

His head is swimming. Less than a year ago, he'd wanted nothing but to avoid having to live with Dan. Now that it's a legitimate possibility, he wants nothing but to keep on having him as a roommate, especially considering how far their relationship has progressed since that first day.

"I don't want to," Dan disagrees, "Not without you. Besides, London is fucking expensive. I'd have to work like ten jobs to be able to afford living in a _trailer_."

Phil doesn't know what to say to that, because he'd hate to be the one holding Dan down, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let him go. London being pricey is also a fact that he can't possibly dispute. He doesn't have the money to live on his own either, and judging by Dan's words, he's a fair bit better off than his boyfriend is.

They both say nothing for an extended period of time, the sound of their synchronized breaths filling the room, only intercepted by the exceedingly loud fan in Phil's laptop. Phil finds himself feeling rather torn between wanting the best for Dan and wanting the best for _them_.

As he scrambles his brain in search of a good solution, Dan speaks up.

"I'll just re-sit the exams in August then," the boy says without a trace of confidence, absently staring ahead at nothing in particular.

"No," Phil protests on instinct, "Not if that's not what you want."

"What else is there to do? I don't know what I want, I just know I _don't_ want to move out," Dan admits, cheeks slightly pink as he does so.

As if someone's flipped a switch, an idea pops into Phil's mind. Excited to have found a solution, he sits up straight and shakes Dan, making the boy face him again.

"Dan!" he exclaims, "We could _both_ move out! We could get a place together!" he proposes, far too ecstatic to even realize he should probably feel a little nervous.

Dan's eyes immediately widen, and for an instant, he appears equally thrilled by the concept, but the joy on his face quickly transforms into doubt.

"With what money? We'd need like five flatmates for a one bedroom flat," Dan reasons.

"We could get something cheap," Phil argues, "I get money off YouTube, I could get a job. Come on Dan, it's the _perfect_ solution!"

Dan stares at Phil, clearly trying to resist the overwhelming enthusiasm.

"Come on," Phil pleads when the boy doesn't say anything. "Come oooon!"

As he keeps exclaiming various renditions of _come on Dan_ , his flatmate resists him for the longest time, but the dam eventually breaks. Dan shakes his head, finally settling for _Fine, I guess we can try to look for a flat_ ; a statement that is instantly rewarded with a snog that starts out fairly innocent and progresses into something far less innocent rather fast. To be fair, that's no different from how most of their snogs have ended up as of late, but Phil isn't one to complain. Perhaps he'll complain about the weather, but never about getting to kiss Dan.

 

They spend the evening hanging out with PJ and Chris, making last minute arrangements for their shared trip to the North, as Chris is coming with, too.

On Friday, they ring out the school year, grab their things and immediately head to the train station.

Phil is overcome by a strange nostalgia as he walks behind the others, his bag heavy, his heart strangely light.

This was the first year he's spent with Dan. Well, not quite a _year_ , they've still got the entire summer ahead of them, but an entire year of Uni by Dan's side.

As the group of friends gets on the train, he can't help but hope, wish and wonder about the years still yet to come.

 

~~~~~

  

Much like the last time, their vacation begins with the two of them having the house to themselves, as Phil's parents are not due to come back from Florida for another three weeks.

Last time, Phil was positively _terrified_ of being alone with Dan for as much as two days. Now, he's absolutely _delighted_ ; he basks in the contrast between the two situations, enjoys the way he can now call Dan _his_ , if only when they are alone.

PJ's increasingly insisting questions tell Phil that he can't keep this a secret for much longer, but he respects Dan's wishes and tries his best.

This time around, there is no discussion as to whom should take which bed - without as much as one word said between them, they head up to Phil's room and toss their bags on the floor. Dan, weary from their journey, immediately flops down on the bed and spreads out both his arms and legs, much the way he did last time.

"This bed is heaven," he murmurs in a low, content voice that sends shivers up Phil's spine, for reasons entirely unrelated to the level of comfort that his bed provides.

 

For weeks now, his resolve has been slipping, and Dan has only been making it worse, more or less deliberately. Phil can't help but wonder how much longer things will remain in suspense, how long it will take for him to work up the courage to actually _talk_ about it. Yes, _talk,_ because however romantic the notion, he'd never want to impose on Dan and just go with the flow. He needs to know everything is okay before they go past the point they're currently at.

He shakes his head, chastising himself for already letting his thoughts stray.

"Is it? Well, you'd better move over, because it's _my_ heaven," he exclaims, throwing himself on the bed, accidentally kicking Dan in the process. He lies down on his side, unapologetic, staring at the boy with a teasing expression.

"Twat," Dan says without malice, "Get off the bed. It's mine."

"Since when?"

"Since _now_ ," Dan shoots back, and things happen all too fast from that point on.

Dan, as if on a quest to keep testing Phil's limits, shoves him down and pins him to the bed, hovering above him, far too close for it to be even remotely appropriate.

 

Not for the first time, Phil is thankful for them being alone. If PJ or Louise, or God forbid Chris, walked in on them right now-

That trail of thought disappears before it's properly formed, because Dan's eyes are boring into his with an unexpected intensity, their faces close enough for Phil to feel Dan's breath ghosting over his lips.

He gulps, unsure of the course of action that he should take now, stuck between what he _wants_ and what is _right_. Surprised by Dan's behavior, too, but he can't say it's a bad surprise.

"Is this your way of trying to get me off the bed, Dan?" he asks at last, his voice husky and strained.

Dan smirks at that. "I don't know, is it working?"

"It's totally _not_ working."

"Good."

Dan's cheeks are red, his breaths coming in fast succession, as are Phil's. Phil has usually been the one to take initiative; he's also been the one to put a stop to things when he decided they grew too heated.

The boy's pupils are blown, eyes nearly all black, speaking volumes of the way he is feeling. Phil is a lot of things, but he is certainly _not_ blind.

Dan is on the same page as he is, he knows that much.

He closes the short distance between them without another thought, one hand immediately finding purchase in the boy's hair, pulling him closer so that he is laying on top of Phil.

He loses track of time, loses himself in the softness of Dan's lips combined with the almost inaudible sounds he is able to elicit from the boy when he allows his mouth to explore, sucking at the bit of skin where Dan's neck is covered by most shirts, unable to resist.

 

He doesn't really know where to stop. It's difficult to stop when clearly, they both want this just as much. Phil doesn't even realize when his free hand slips underneath the hem of Dan's shirt, causing an eager, breathless gasp. He doesn't know what he's trying to do; in all honesty, he doesn't think of anything at all.

He just acts on his own feelings, the way he always ends up doing when it comes to Dan.

 

Just as they begin to roll over, Phil wanting to be the one on top, the doorbell rings.

"Fuck," he blurts without thinking, because _really_ , does this _always_ have to happen?

"Wow," Dan breathes somewhere close to his ear. "You said a swear word."

"We've ordered pizza," Phil states blankly, suddenly remembering - and promptly _regretting_ \- the first thing he did upon getting home.

" _Fuck_ the pizza."

Phil lets out a long, heavy sigh as he drags himself away, giving Dan one last, parting kiss.

"It's good pizza," he says with a shrug, hoping he's not too disheveled to meet the pizza delivery guy. They've not got a lot of those in his town, so he's likely to be recognized.

"I hate you," Dan calls after him as Phil grabs his wallet and leaves the room.

 

Honestly, he hates himself too, at least a fair bit.

As he makes his way down the stairs, he can't help but compare each step to his resolve not to take things further with Dan.

He skips the steps two at a time until he's at the very bottom, unable or unwilling to turn back anymore, knowing that his destination is ahead, that somehow, it's the way they both want to go. Perhaps it's the  _only_ way for them to go.

 

However much he may try not to, Phil knows perfectly well that it's only a matter of time before he will snap.


	15. Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here is the second part of the chapter! It's actually really long, so a full-length chapter for you all. :)  
> Sooo... As for the actual chapter... *clears throat* Please note the upgrade in rating. :P  
> If you'll want to skip the bits responsible for it, just stop reading when you want and resume at the ********* sign. :)
> 
> Also, here is Phil's mix tape/playlist thing as promised! <http://8tracks.com/ablissa/from-phil-for-dan>
> 
> And lastly, thank you so much for your support. You're all wonderful and I love you! Please let me know if this was enjoyable to read! :)

 

Sunlight slips through the curtains, bright and blinding, forcibly pulling Phil awake much too soon.

He doesn't want to get up, not yet, not now, not when he is so comfortable. He blinks and then shuts his eyes, trying to separate himself from the source of light, to remain asleep for at least a few more minutes.

The irony; the harder he tries, the more sleep eludes him. In a vain attempt to get back to it, he tries to bury his head in the pillow, but instead finds Dan's hair tickling his nose, doing nothing to help him close his eyes.

An overwhelming warmth emerges from somewhere deep inside his chest and spills throughout his whole body, traveling through his veins, filling him with pure, unadulterated serenity. Not for the first time, they fell asleep in a tight embrace, and somehow managed to remain joined throughout the night. Phil's got one arm wrapped around Dan's middle, keeping the boy close even as they slept.

Somehow, he doesn't even want to slip back into slumber anymore. He wants this warm sensation to swallow him whole, to stay in this moment, to freeze time and remain right where he wants to be, right here, with Dan.

Phil's heart swells with emotion, a very specific confession he knows to be true, but keeps to himself until the time is right. All he knows - all he is willing to _admit_ \- is that the boy in his arms, resting beside him so trustingly, is so very _important_.

Through the soft cotton of his shirt, he feels Dan's every breath, every inhale and exhale, and on instinct, he only pulls him closer.

A soft, content sound escapes the boy's lips. Phil lies his head back on the pillow and closes his eyes, effortlessly lulled to sleep by the mere presence of the boy who's grown to mean so much in such a short amount of time.

 

-

 

Two hours pass until a phone call wakes the pair of them rather abruptly. Dan mutters obscenities under his breath, only pressing himself further into Phil's embrace, while Phil leans over the boy to grab his phone and answers at the last second, mumbling a tired _'ello_ into the speaker without even checking who's calling.

 _"Hey mate_ ," says the cheery, fully awake voice. _"Just letting you know Chris and I are there in ten. D'you want us to pick up any drinks?"_

He stares at the headboard, trying to remember _why_ PJ is coming over in ten, and what time is it, anyway? What did he miss?

"Um, right, you're here in _ten_?" he repeats, both to give Dan some warning and to try and make sense of it all.

"What?" Dan sputters, wiggling out of Phil's arms and turning over to frown at him.

 _"Yeah? We said we'd come over today, remember? We were gonna marathon Lord of the Rings."_ There's a pause on the other side of the line that Phil fails to break. _"You're not still asleep, are you? It's five in the afternoon!"_

Realization hits Phil straight in the face as he remembers that yeah, they _did_ make plans with PJ and Chris for tonight. He just hasn't realized that they managed to sleep in _that_ badly.

"'course I'm not asleep! Come over whenever!" he shouts into the handset and quickly hangs up, nearly pushing Dan off the bed as he scrambles off.

"Why didn't we set an alarm," Dan whines, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes in a tired gesture.

"No time, get dressed! Unless you want PJ to figure things out," Phil quips and throws a random t-shirt in Dan's face.

"Oi! I don't want your dirty laundry in my mouth, thanks very much," Dan says, then proceeds to throw a pillow at Phil. Of course, he misses and knocks down a picture frame, effectively breaking it.

"Oh my _god_ Dan, just go and get dressed," he pleads, hopping over broken glass in a hurry to find a pair of jeans. "And that was _your_ shirt!"

Dan smirks as he takes off the shirt he wears to bed, making Phil stop in his tracks at the sight of bare skin. He then pulls on the very shirt that Phil's thrown at him just moments ago.

"But you were the one that wore it last," Dan reminds him smugly, making him flush.

Phil remains stunned for a few precious seconds before responding, "Then get a new one!"

"No time now," Dan dismisses, pulling up his sweat pants so that they at least cover up the hem of his boxers. However, when he stretches, a tantalizing bit of skin is revealed, pale and smooth aside from the trail of dark hair that -- and just _fucking hell Phil get a grip_.

Phil bolts out of the room to brush his teeth, but let's be real, most of the time is spent splashing some cold water on his face, repeatedly asking himself to stop being ridiculous.

And _so what_ if it doesn't really seem to work? Trying is what matters, right?

 

- 

 

When the doorbell rings, they're still a disheveled mess, but at least they've brushed their teeth. PJ and Chris, on the other hand, both look quite smart (PJ in a plaid button up and jeans, Chris in a shirt and vest), and definitely not freshly out of bed; a fact that is in itself not surprising, considering the time.

"Phiiiiil!" Chris screeches, abusing his barely awake state to steal a big hug that Phil returns only a few seconds too late. "And Dan!" he adds, but Dan doesn't allow for the same kind of gesture, merely extending his hand out for a handshake.

"Hey there," PJ says carefully, not once looking away from Phil.

He meets his friend's eyes with a degree of trepidation. He doesn't feel it's right that he's kept his relationship with Dan hidden for so long now, but it's not by his choice. All he can do is try to respect it.

"Hey Peej! Come on in, you two," Phil exclaims, breaking eye contact and holding the door open for the two of them. They both pass him and Dan and go straight to the lounge, in which PJ, Chris and Dan sit down, while Phil excuses himself to go get them some drinks and snacks.

"I'll help you!" Dan shouts after him, bolting from the sofa he's only just sat down in and following him out of the room.

When they're alone, Phil gives Dan a quick peck on the cheek as he rummages the cupboards in search of four identical glasses, finally settling for just the first four that come up.

"D'you reckon they'll stay long?" Dan whispers somewhere close to his face, his cheeks tinted red.

"Why?" Phil asks, bumping Dan's shoulder playfully.

"Well, it's not so bad when we're alone, is it?" Dan retorts, his complexion even redder.

"It's pretty terrible, to be honest," Phil disagrees, "Can't seem to get anything useful done around you."

He looks at Dan, meeting his eyes, all too soon losing himself in them. Dan smiles at him fondly, although that transforms into a devilish smirk soon enough.

"Nothing to do with me, you're just a tad _useless_ , Philly," Dan teases, grinning at him as he breaks eye contact and opens up a bag of crisps, emptying it into a metal bowl.

"You're literally the _worst_ person!" Phil exclaims, turning around to leave the kitchen, carefully balancing several dishes, trying not to trip.

Startled, he drops one of the three bowls he's attempting to carry, because he sees PJ, leaning against the doorframe with a self-satisfied look on his face accompanied by a somewhat contrasting, careful, guarded gaze.

Phil meets his friend's eyes, momentarily forgetting Dan's presence, although Dan remains just as frozen as he is, if only for a while. The boy is the first to regain his composure, excusing himself from the kitchen, as if sensing that a _very serious conversation_ is hanging in the air and wanting no part in it.

"Why didn't you tell me?" PJ asks simply. His voice has a note of accusation to it, but Phil, having known the guy all his life, knows better than to expect him to throw a fit.

"Dan didn't want to say anything..." Phil replies weakly, putting down all the things he's carrying before he drops them.

"But it's me," PJ retorts.

"I know, Peej. It's just -- Dan didn't want to tell _anybody_ \-- and bloody hell, _please_ don't tell Chris because that'll be an absolute _disaster_ ," he pleads, head full of the darkest possible scenarios, such as Chris getting drunk and going out, shouting _Phil loves Dan_ at full volume. Honestly, it's rather plausible really, considering Chris' usual antics.

PJ quietly observes Phil, who is squirming underneath his best friend's stare.

"Why does he want to keep it secret? That sounds dodgy to me. How long's it been going on?" Peej asks in a tone that expresses both concern and authority.

Phil, resigned, chooses to own up to it. "Since April, since spring break."

Much to Phil's surprise, PJ gives him a lopsided grin and exclaims, "I knew it!"

Phil rolls his eyes, trying to mask the tension (as well as a little bit of relief) that he's experiencing right now.

"Why haven't you guys come clean yet, then?" PJ presses, quickly sobering up.

 _I don't really know_ , Phil wants to say, but logically, there are tons of reasons. YouTube, Dan not feeling comfortable with it for reasons that Phil really wishes he could know more about, all sorts of things. But in truth, Phil's never heard a real explanation. Somehow, he doesn't really want to say that out loud, not even to his childhood friend.

"It's nothing major, I guess. Dan is not really comfortable with being... Out in the open," Phil pauses, looking at Peej and hoping he will understand.

He does, of course. Twenty years of friendship tend to do that to you.

"I get that, but you know I wouldn't have told anyone," PJ says calmly, "Especially not Chris. Love the guy, but he's a flipping chatterbox. He'd have told you his credit card details if you asked."

Phil fails to hold back a smile at hearing his friend admit his feelings so freely. Also, he _does_ agree on the credit card thing.

"I know, but I promised him not to tell," Phil explains.

PJ's eyes widen ever so slightly, and although he does seem a tad put off or let down, Phil knows they'll be okay when his friend, after some deliberation, offers him a warm, content smile.

"I _knew_ you had a thing for him, Lester. You're about as mysterious as a pigeon. Quite easy to read."

Phil blushes in a very unmanly way, because if it's that obvious, it's truly no wonder that his viewers also think that he and Dan are dating. Which they _are_ , but that's beside the point.

He remains silent out of lack of something else to say. His mind is already in the near future, wondering how Dan will take the news of their secret no longer being only theirs to keep. He's not the least bit worried about PJ revealing it at any time, but he's accepted that Dan doesn't have the same kind of trust in his friend as he himself does.

Phil, just to be certain, makes an unnecessary request.

"Just keep it between the two of us, alright?"

"If you let me win at Scrabble."

He smiles earnestly. "Deal, but it's Dan you should be worrying about. I always get all the worst letters and end up with words like _aieaiou._ "

PJ returns his smile, filling Phil with a pleasant sensation of both familiarity and excitement. He finds himself looking forward to finally telling Peej all about the boy, now that it's all out in the open.

His friend nods at him and turns to leave, but stops after two steps and asks, "Is he good to you, Phil?"

Phil nods, feeling a lump in his throat that he can't seem to swallow.

"Yeah," he breathes, "He is."

Nothing else remains to be said. They both leave the kitchen and rejoin the others, speaking no more of it that evening.

When Chris passes out about four shots in, Phil allows himself the pleasure of grabbing Dan's hand, despite the fact that PJ is still right there, quite alert and watching. He's been waiting to do this the whole night.

Dan returns the squeeze immediately, as if he too couldn't wait for it to finally happen.

A strange feeling of anticipation overcomes Phil, because this is one more step; no, in a way it is a gigantic leap, and he needs to know how Dan feels about the whole thing.

 

~~~~~

 

Phil walks their guests to the door - or rather, walks PJ who half-carries Chris - says good bye, promises to meet up with PJ in a couple days and talk, and then returns to the lounge, where Dan is staring at the TV rather absently, sitting cross legged on the sofa.

Much like Peej did a couple hours back, he stands in the doorframe, simply looking at Dan. He's not had much to drink at all - two beers over three hours ago - but he feels dizzy, knowing that there are things to be said.

Slowly, he walks over to where Dan sits and flops down beside him. The boy glances at him, smiling, although in his eyes, Phil finds traces of anxiety.

"Are you alright?" Phil asks softly, grabbing Dan's hand without ceremony, glad that they're alone again.

"No, yeah, I'm fine," Dan replies, looking back at the telly.

Phil remains unconvinced and hastily attempts to explain. "I know you didn't want Peej to find out, but he's caught us and -- I shouldn't have kissed you when we've got people over, I just didn't _think_ -"

" _Chill_ ," Dan says gently, now looking at Phil again, brown eyes intensely gazing into Phil's muddy blue. "I've been a bit of an idiot," he adds as an afterthought.

Phil immediately frowns and rushes to both ask _what why what do you mean_ and protest _what no Dan you're never an idiot you're perfect_ , but Dan intercepts his train of thought.

"PJ is your friend. I trust you. If you trust him, then I guess I ought to give it a shot," Dan muses calmly. "'sides, it's kind of..." the boy trails off, once more breaking eye contact, this time in favor of staring down at his own lap.

"It's kind of _what_?" Phil quietly presses.

"It's kind of _nice_ , I mean, that he knows that we're -- uh, a _thing_. It's not unpleasant."

There it is again - that _warmth_ that so often fills him around Dan, it's back again in full force, because he _knows_ what Dan means. He knows so very well. For a while now he's been wanting to tell the whole world - even one person seems to have made a considerable difference.

"Does that mean you're okay with this?" Phil asks to be sure, squeezing Dan's hand even tighter.

When their eyes meet, he finds a mixture of adoration and fear in Dan's. He's got no doubt that the same thing is reflected in his own eyes.

"I guess it's - it's _fine_ if our good friends know," Dan blurts out nervously, "But I don't wanna tell everyone, because then they'll be all up in our business and we'll have to move to Scotland."

"Scotland is nice," Phil comments lightly, if only to unload some of the tension they're both experiencing. "They've got lots of sheep!"

Dan lets out a bark of laughter, somewhat shy and subdued, but earnest. "That's _Wales_ , you bloody pancake."

Phil's face scrunches in disgust as he says, " _Bloody pancake_? Sounds like a breakfast for Edward Cullen."

The boy makes an _ewwww_ kind of sound in reply, elbowing Phil in the ribs, something that Phil hates and Dan seems to be exceedingly fond of.

They share a prolonged look, unbroken by any physical contact other than that of their joined hands, entwined fingers brushing against one another. Just as Phil thinks their previous subject is gone forever in favor of banter, Dan whispers something that sends shivers down his spine.

"D'you know why I don't mind? About PJ?"

Phil ceases all movement, too focused on Dan to even care to sit more comfortably.

"Not really," he admits.

"It's because I want everything," Dan explains quietly. "I don't want all these, I don't know, _boundaries_ or whatever, I just want everything, I -- I guess I want everything with _you_."

Silence falls in the room, during which Phil looks at Dan intently, at first missing the meaning hidden behind his rather cryptic little speech. But he knows Dan - on some days he feels he knows him better than he knows himself - and so it occurs to him rather quickly just what the boy may have meant.

Dan's eyes almost seem to shine in the dim light of the lamp that rests on the tiny coffee table in the lounge. The boy bites down on his bottom lip, something that Phil recognizes as nervousness. He's clearly waiting for Phil to respond.

"But Dan -- are you -- are you _sure_? We can wait, it doesn't have to be--"

He's planned to talk to Dan about _it_ before it happens, but he's never planned to be _this_ bloody awkward.

His thoughts, worries and uncertainties are abruptly cut short by Dan simply moving in to kiss him right on the lips.

At first, he freezes, unsure of how to react, because they've still not ended the conversation, there are still things to say, he still needs to--

"Stop thinking," Dan breathes into his mouth. "Just let go for once, Phil. _Please_."

He pulls away from Dan, leaving the boy utterly disappointed, but he needs to look him in the eyes and find the affirmation to go through with this.

Dan, at first borderline upset, seems to understand and allows Phil this moment of undisturbed eye contact. For a while, it almost feels as though they're staring into each other's souls - as if everything is out in the open, leaving both of them exposed, and they're both equally fine with it.

" _Please_ ," Dan whines, and Phil's restraints all seem to break with just that one word.

 

The kiss that follows is not really unlike the snogs they've shared before, only now, Phil doesn't put a stop to it. He doesn't stop himself when as if on instinct, he lightly pushes Dan down on the sofa. He merely adjusts to the new position by moving over him, hovering as he deepens the kiss, slipping his tongue past the zip of Dan's lips.

The boy moans softly into his mouth, tangling his fingers in his hair, and after a long, breathless while, Phil moves down to a spot he already knows is a _sweet_ spot for Dan - his neck - lightly biting in places that will never be covered by any kind of shirt.

The boy begins to squirm underneath him. Suddenly, the shirts they're wearing seem like far too much clothing, when skin on skin contact seems to strike him with the force of a thunder, bringing his already very strong need to almost painful levels of longing and lust.

Dan seems to be of the same opinion, because he slips his eager hands underneath the hem of Phil's shirt, struggling to pull it off. Phil helps him, in more of a hurry to get rid of his jeans, that are seemingly growing tighter by the second, which is only made worse when Dan, seemingly unwittingly, grinds his hips a couple of times.

"Fuck," he mutters into Dan's neck, breathing hard, instinctively doing what Dan just did.

There's not _near_ enough space on the bloody sofa for what he would like to do. He doesn't want it to be like this, rushed and uncomfortable and just _not perfect_.

"Come on," he says as he gets up, pulling Dan to his feet and immediately locking their lips when they're on the same level again. "Let's go up to my room."

Dan mumbles something intangible against his mouth, reluctantly letting go and following, both of them pausing here and there to keep on kissing.

 

When they finally reach Phil's bedroom, he's quick to pull Dan's shirt off, finally allowing himself a moment to admire the body he's grown to lust after on a daily basis. Dan's skin is smooth with next to no chest hair, and the mere sight of him sends Phil's senses into overdrive.

Wordlessly, he helps his boyfriend out of his sweatpants, and then struggles to remove his own jeans. Once they're both left in only their boxers, they get on the bed, with Phil once more hovering above Dan.

 

It is there that the reality of it all truly hits him, and seemingly, he is not alone in this. When he gazes into Dan's eyes, he finds passion laced with uncertainty.

"We can stop," he says softly, because the last thing he'd want is to pressure Dan into anything he's not ready for.

"No," the boy hastily replies. Phil's room is dark, but even in the looming darkness he easily spots the warmth that spreads all over Dan's cheeks. "I'm just... Fucking hell, it's just, I've never done _this_ before, okay? So if I'm rubbish-"

"You're _perfect_ ," Phil cuts him off, waiting for it to sink in before kissing him again. When he pulls away, there are traces of tears in Dan's brown eyes.

He is quick to kiss those away, too, until none remain.

 

Many minutes pass with their lips locked, hands wandering somewhat shyly to begin with. Phil has got both his legs spread with Dan laying underneath him. He's not quite _straddling_ him, but the mere proximity slowly drives him wild.

Dan's making soft sounds of both pleasure and impatience underneath him each time their lips meet, spurring him on. The noises only grow in volume when Phil, having spent a long time wishing for this very thing, begins to leave a trail of open-mouthed kisses across the boy's jaw, moving down to his neck.

He leaves mark after mark, slowly losing his mind as Dan begins to writhe underneath his possessive touch.

" _Phil_ ," Dan breathes, bucking up into him, sending a jolt of want starting from the point where their bodies met for that brief moment.

"Mm," he mumbles, kissing his way to Dan's collarbone and then finally dipping below that, lapping at the boy's chest, teeth grazing his nipples before moving further down to his stomach.

It is there that the trail of hair begins, a sight he's found so distracting before, now right before his eyes. He looks up, finding Dan staring back at him, eyes wide, mouth hanging open as he lays splayed out on the bed, unsure of what to do with his hands.

"Are you sure?" Phil asks again, although this time, he truly _does_ know the answer.

Dan merely nods, as if unable to respond, but that's enough for Phil.

Impatiently, he pulls down Dan's boxers and helps him kick them off before settling back in.

He swallows thickly as his eyes take in the sight before him. By now, even his boxer shorts are too bloody tight.

 

He starts out slowly kissing his way down, teasing, _torturing_ Dan by avoiding the one place that he wants him to pay attention to. He sucks lightly at the skin on Dan's right thigh. Dan lets out a loud whine, fingers finding purchase in Phil's hair.

"Please," the boy cries breathlessly.

Dan's unmistakably hard, and when Phil finally stops teasing and takes him in his hand, he's already slippery with pre-cum. The moment his fingers wrap around Dan's length, Dan, on instinct, grinds into the touch.

He begins to stroke quite lightly, not ready to push Dan over the edge yet, finding it hard to resist touching himself at the same time. He reminds himself that this is about Dan. He wants it to be good for him, as good as it can be.

When he reaches the tip, he rubs his thumb over it before moving back down, increasing the speed of his strokes.

Dan is full on _moaning_ , letting out strings of broken, needy words, and Phil can swear he's never heard anything _nearly_ as hot as this. The sound alone could probably get him off.

He slows down considerably, eventually replacing his hand with his mouth, starting with slow licks up Dan's length, before at last taking him in entirely.

"Fuck," Dan breathes out, bucking up into his mouth on instinct. "Phil, just -- just don't -- don't _stop_ ," he pleads, almost _begs_ , but he doesn't need to. Phil is not about to stop at all.

He begins to suck, hollowing out his cheeks, using his tongue to only make it better for Dan. He's overwhelmed - by Dan's scent, his taste, the way he sounds, the way he moves underneath him, filled with passion and so much need.

Every second makes him increase the pace, and Dan's reactions match every movement of his lips, every stroke, every hungry lap at his length. He moves his mouth faster, using his hand to only increase the sensation, to make Dan feel more, to drive him mad with pleasure.

" _Phil_ ," Dan cries out. "I'm gonna- you have to _stop_ because I will-"

He doesn't stop, he only starts to suck even harder, feeling pleasure pulse throughout both their bodies as Dan's grip on his hair grows tighter.

"Phil, I'm...!"

Without further warning, Dan spills into his mouth, hips moving involuntarily, as Phil swallows everything, allowing him to ride out his orgasm completely.

Once Dan finishes, he slumps back completely, panting for breath. Phil moves up, wanting to see the boy's face, trying not to think of the hardness that is pressing against the fabric of his boxers.

He's not touched himself yet, not even once, wanting to make it about Dan.

He lies down on the side, next to Dan, who after a few long moments looks at him. Dan's pupils are blown, his eyes nearly completely black, and Phil is swiftly pulled in by all the emotion that hides behind the mix of black and brown.

He _loves_ Dan. He does. It's that simple. It's not infatuation, not a crush, not just a guy he's gotten stuck with.

It's love; pure emotion, flowing through his veins and filling up his heart.

 

Dan is unaware of Phil reaching that realization. The look in his eyes swiftly changes; from overwhelmed to determined, if a little bit uncertain. He shoves Phil so that he is the one laying on his back and kisses him, undoubtedly tasting himself on Phil's lips.

"Dan, you don't have to," Phil says during a brief intermission.

"I want to," Dan replies without a thought. "I've just- I don't know-"

"Just do what feels right," Phil says, knowing what the boy is getting at. Dan nods, kissing him one more time before pulling down Phil's boxers.

Dan doesn't do what Phil did, but their eyes remain locked as he reaches down, fingers slowly brushing Phil's thigh, sending shivers down his spine. Now it is his turn to grind upwards on instinct, dying to feel Dan's touch, dying for release.

Dan finally breaks eye contact, looking down, entranced, as he wraps his fingers around Phil, eliciting a loud gasp from the older boy accompanied by yet another involuntarily movement; an attempt to bring them even closer.

He reaches towards Dan's chin to make him look him in the eyes again and kisses him; a deep, open mouthed snog that lasts for what feels like forever.

Phil is already almost there - _has been_ almost there for the past ten minutes - so when Dan finally begins to stroke, he starts gasping for breath, a low, needy sound starting somewhere within his chest and rumbling down his throat.

"Faster," he half-pleads, half-guides Dan, who immediately increases the pace, wrapping his fingers a little tighter around Phil's length, mimicking Phil's earlier movements. "You're so good, Dan," Phil gasps, grinding into the touch.

"Let go, Phil," Dan says during the few breaks in between their tongues meeting. "C'mon...!"

He's close, he feels it, and all he can do is mumble as much, say _Dan, I'm - I'm gonna cum,_ when his release finally hits him, taking away all common sense, hot liquid spilling over his stomach. Dan continues to stroke him throughout his high, maintaining the pace, mouthing at his neck as he comes down from it, Phil at last settling back onto the bed without a thought in his mind.

A full minute passes before he composes himself enough to look down at Dan, who is staring at him with a mixture of wonder and uncertainty. He pulls the boy in, wrapping his arm around him, too tired to bother cleaning up right now. It can wait.

Dan settles into the nook of Phil's shoulder as if that's the one place he belongs. Phil kisses the top of his head, meeting Dan's lips in a gentle kiss when the boy adjusts himself to make it possible.

"That was amazing," he says at last, voice low and husky.

"I've _clearly_ been missing out," Dan agrees, a satisfied grin on his face.

"We've got time to make up for that."

Dan's grin grows a tad more shy, but his eyes speak volumes of the amount of interest the boy has found in the matter.

"I'm gonna hold you to that, you know?"

"I sure hope so."

 

Phil pulls the covers over the two of them and tightens his embrace around Dan, quickly drifting to sleep.

 

*********

 

When Phil wakes up, morning light is once again slipping through the curtains. For a few seconds, he's oblivious as to what has transpired - stuck in that half-awake world, although fully aware of his blissful state. However, it all starts coming back to him quickly - one memory after another - the warmth of Dan's naked body curled against his making it all the more real.

He opens his eyes, almost looking forward to just watching Dan sleep, but to his surprise, the boy is awake and watching him intently. The look in his eyes is drastically different from just the previous night.

"Morning," Dan whispers into his chest.

"You're awake," Phil replies in lieu of _good morning_. "Did you sleep well?"

Dan frowns, staring at Phil. He can almost see the thoughts that run through his mind; not the exact meaning of them, but the principle.

Something is _wrong_.

"Phil, I have something to tell you."

"What?"

"I haven't... I haven't told you the full truth."

 

Phil's heart skips a beat as he waits for Dan to elaborate, unwittingly pulling him even closer, wanting never to let go of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you hate me. I hate me too. Please don't hate me :(
> 
> P.S PLEASE tell me if the smut was terrible because I have NEVER written smut before and I'm scared as heck :( Thank you for reading!!!!


	16. Small Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for your extremely reassuring and sweet comments on the last chapter! I really mean it when I say that you all make my day. I love both reading your messages and responding to you. You're wonderful! :)  
> Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, and if you've had any theories about the whole thing, I'd love to hear them! :D

_"I haven't... I haven't told you the full truth."_

Phil always tries to remain as levelheaded as he can possibly be. He's not one to show too much emotion, always aiming to be rational. He _does_ tend to overthink things, but he tries not to jump to conclusion too soon, keeping it all to himself until he knows more.

However, despite all that, that sentence hits him like a heavy object straight to the head, making him feel numb.

He woke up feeling positively blissful, with Dan in his arms, wanting nothing else from life than to allow him to keep this moment forever, if only in his memory. Turns out that Dan's had other things on his mind.

He stares at the boy who always does such a good job messing with his head, in good ways and bad, not knowing what to say in response to such a confession. Dan doesn't elaborate, but also makes no attempt to move away from him. Phil only holds him closer, wanting to keep the comforting warmth regardless of what Dan is about to reveal.

When it's clear that Dan won't speak unless prompted to do so, Phil finally asks, "What do you mean?"

Dan takes a deep breath, chest heaving, eyes nervously flitting all about the room. If not for the seriousness of the moment, Phil would certainly take a moment to appreciate the boy's disheveled state, his unruly curls getting into his eyes, slightly chapped lips, bare chest half-hidden beneath the covers.

"D'you want me to like, get up and go? I'll get dressed," Dan sputters, pulling away abruptly.

Phil only holds him tighter. "Stay. Dan, what is it? You're kind of freaking me out," he admits, trying to meet Dan's gaze in search of answers.

Dan stubbornly stares down at the tangled sheets that cover their naked bodies. It's probably not the best time for such a conversation, but once it's been brought up, Phil is not letting it go. He knows how good Dan is at avoiding things once he's allowed to try.

"Dan," Phil says softly after a longer pause. "Come on, what is it? What didn't you tell me?"

The boy turns to look out of the window. After a deep breath, he finally speaks up.

"I lied to you about something."

If Phil's heart was previously stuttering, it's now beating out a frantic, rushed rhythm void of any pattern and any kind of sense.

He's had this idea in the back of his head for a long time, that Dan hasn't been telling him everything. Somehow, he is not even _surprised_ , but he still can't quite grasp the contrast between just a couple hours ago and now. It's like he's suddenly on another planet.

 _Don't overreact,_ he tells himself. It might be nothing big.

No, of course it is something of considerable importance. It's clearly a big deal to Dan.

Lost in his own scared, jumbled thoughts, he fails to say anything in reply. This time, Dan continues without him asking for it.

"Honestly, I didn't think it would matter," Dan says quietly. "I thought you'd just..." he trails off, finally glancing at Phil.

"You thought I'd just _what_?" Phil presses, his throat clenched with worry.

"I figured you'd get tired of me soon enough." Dan seems more resigned than apologetic as he continues. "Most people eventually do."

"What? Dan, I'd never get tired of you!" he exclaims in reply, ignoring the rest of it for the time being.

"The thing is, I don't _want_ you to get tired of me,  I don't want you to leave and I think you will and I think I fucked up," the boy blurts out, only making Phil more confused.

"I'm not leaving, Dan, it's okay," he soothes. "Go on, what is it?"

The moment stretches for far too long before Dan speaks up again. They're sitting up in bed, looking each other in the eyes, one worried and confused, the other resigned and desperate.

Phil can't help but have a flashback to a few months ago, when he woke up in the morning and found Dan clutching his phone, crying. He never found out what that was truly about, but Dan has a similar look in his eyes now, although thankfully, there are no tears to accompany it.

"I _do_ have a family," Dan blurts out at last. He exhales, shaking his head lightly. "Bloody hell, that felt good to say," he adds as an afterthought.

Phil, on the other hand, is speechless. He doesn't move away from Dan, even though a part of him tells him that he should. He remains frozen, unmoving, frowning as he tries to make sense of it all.

"But you said you didn't?" he asks at last, perplexed, unsure, but first and foremost, concerned.

"I lied."

Phil struggles to speak. Why would Dan lie to him about something like that? Surely there has to be more to it? But he's often asked him to be honest...

In a way, he's relieved, because his hyperactive imagination was already supplying all the worst scenarios. However, at the end of the day, a lie is a lie, isn't it?

He lets go of Dan, moves away slightly to get a better look at him. The boy glances at him, his countenance pale, appearing to be rather desolate.

"Why?"

Dan sighs heavily before he responds, "I told you, I thought you'd get fed up with me at some point. It was easier not to tell you."

Phil doesn't understand any of it, but he pretends that he does, if only to keep Dan talking.

"And you're telling me now because-" Phil begins, but Dan interjects.

"Because I want this to last," he says in earnest. "And I realized that in order for that to happen, I can't really keep stuff from you."

Phil's got no idea how to react, what to do, what to even say. He still feels like he knows nothing at all, and as such, he can't possibly act accordingly. So he figures that, all things considered, Dan owes him this one thing.

"Dan, you're really going to have to tell me _everything_ this time."

Dan stares at him mutely for several seconds before finally saying, "Yeah. I will."

 

-

 

They both anticipate that the conversation might get rather lengthy, so they take a short pause to get dressed and have breakfast, both silent and lost in thought. This is completely not how Phil imagined their first morning after taking another step in their relationship, but so far most things with Dan have been a surprise, so why should this be any different?

Afterwards, as if on cue, they head to the lounge and sit down - Dan in the armchair, Phil on the sofa the opposite of him.

Phil just wants to hold him, tell him it's fine, but he can't, not until he _knows_ that it's fine. Not until there are no more secrets.

This is what he was afraid of, really. He's so bloody invested now that no matter what Dan will say, he'll likely pay it less mind than he really should. This wouldn't have been the first time he did that.

"Are you upset?" Dan asks instead of getting to the point.

Phil sighs heavily. He doesn't know what he is. Is he upset? Is he disappointed? Is he angry?

No, this heavy feeling that seemingly consumes him is not negative in that sense. It's something very closely resembling fear, and Phil is not a coward, but when it comes to Dan, he's always taken the safe, paved road.

This time, he knows it's time to try out the uncharted path.

"I don't know, Dan. I'm... I'm tired of there being all these things, things you don't tell me about. I want you to trust me. I want to be able to trust _you_."

Dan nods at that, his brown eyes filled with guilt.

"Right."

Neither of them breaks the silence that falls after that, not for a long time. Dan is nervously playing with the hem of his jumper, while Phil is simply waiting.

Finally, Dan begins, in a quiet, calm tone.

"Like I said, I have a family. I've got my parents, I have a younger brother, my grandparents are still around too."

"But you said-"

"I said I was alone, I know, but this is--" Dan pauses, seemingly trying to find the right words. "This is all a flipping mess, you know? And it's really not that far from the truth."

Phil shakes his head; nothing makes any sense anymore. He feels a headache creeping in, starting to pulsate somewhere right above his left brow. He rubs at his eyes tiredly.

"Tell me everything, Dan," he requests, then adds lightly, "From the _beginning_. You're seriously being more cryptic than my old math teacher, and she was _very_ cryptic! She made the multiplication table sound like rocket science!"

Dan smiles weakly at Phil's (mildly lame) attempt of relieving some of the tension, then slumps back in the chair, throwing his head back so as not to look Phil in the eyes as he begins to speak.

"Right, so... From the beginning, then. Don't even know when that is, to be honest."

Phil waits, mustering up every last bit of his patience in order not to pressure Dan.

"My parents, they... They were _always_ at work. And when they weren't at work, they were yelling at me. Never at Jake."

"Jake?" Phil asks, recalling the name from seeing it on Dan's phone, when said Jake was ringing him.

"My brother. He's I think fourteen, now."

He nods and asks nothing else.

"My Mum's not a bad person, really. But Dad was always all up in my face about everything. My grades sucked, I definitely didn't do any sports, I've had zero interest in his boring fucking law practice." Suddenly, Phil sort of understands why Dan is studying law. "And she agreed with him, 'cos I mean, they're married, I suppose it makes sense."

Phil frowns, because _no_ , it doesn't make the least bit of sense, but he doesn't interject, wanting Dan to continue.

"When I was little, it really bugged me. Nothing I ever did was any good, you know? Then I just tried to ignore it. I'd avoid talking to them for days on end. I crashed at a friend's place whenever I could."

Dan appears to feel strained. His hands are in fists, jaw set tight, the look in his eyes strangely distant. Even so, as if a dam, previously held in place by a thread, has finally been broken, he keeps on talking.

"They're both batshit crazy about Jake," Dan admits unwillingly. "Don't blame them, he's a good lad. He's smart and he doesn't mind when Dad yells at our maid every bloody day and thinks it's okay because she doesn't speak English. Or maybe he minds, he just never says so."

"Thing is, they've never really done anything bad to me. Never hit me or anything. But Jake was always the cherry on top of their fucking perfect life."

Phil struggles to speak, but he finds that he has to. "Is that why you say you don't have a family?" he utters at last, slightly overwhelmed.

Dan shakes his head. "No. I've dealt with their crap my whole life, I'd have kept dealing with it if I could."

"What happened?" Phil asks, even though he doesn't really want to know anymore.

"It started a few years ago when I realized I don't really care about having a girlfriend," Dan mutters, looking down at his lap in unnecessary embarrassment. "I tried, I dated this girl for a couple months, but it was terrible. I think people at school knew before I did."

"Jake knew. He's just figured it out, I never told him. By that point I was just trying to get by until I'd go away to Uni and never see all of them again."

He looks Phil in the eyes now, and Phil doesn't dare look away, grounded by the weight of Dan's confessions.

"And then I got into a fight with Jake. It was stupid, he borrowed my laptop and gave it back broken."

When Dan falls silent, Phil is slowly starting to piece it all together. Even so, he carefully whispers, "What happened?"

"I yelled at him and told him to pay it back. That laptop's cost me all of my bloody savings. He went to my Dad and told him I was gay," Dan answers in a tone that is forced to sound casual. "Dad called me to his office and asked me if it was true. He said he never wanted to see me again if it was."

"I told him-" Dan pauses, takes a few deep breaths and continues about half a minute later. "I told him to _fuck off_ , I packed my stuff, grabbed Colin and went to London three months before I was due to start Uni. The rest of it you kinda know."

"Colin?"

"My dog. Obviously they didn't let me keep him at the dorms. He's staying with Lou's parents."

Now that Phil is aware of Dan's story, he finds he doesn't even know what to say to it.

Should he say _I'm sorry_? But what would that help? Should he try and come up with solutions to this very complex problem that he can never pretend to understand? Should he ask Dan if he ever plans to reconcile with his parents and most of all, his brother?

"Phil, I'm sorry that I lied to you," Dan says quietly. "I don't like talking about this, and when I was starting to get to know you, I thought you'd just ditch me and go live with PJ as soon as the semester is over. I didn't expect any of this... I just wanted to be alone."

He casts a glance at Dan and finds the boy looking sad, apologetic, uncertain. From his expression, Phil judges that he's already given up, that he doesn't believe Phil will let all of this slide.

Suddenly, it hits him. At a moment like this, more than ever, Phil needs to be rational.

And really, there is only one solution that he finds rational enough.

"Dan," he whispers, clearly aware of the weight of Dan's stare. "Come here."

Dan's eyes widen as his mouth falls slightly open. Clearly, Phil managed to surprise him.

He outstretches his hand and waits. Eventually, the boy bolts off the armchair and accepts Phil's invitation, sitting down next to him on the sofa.

And then, Phil sticks to his rational train of thought, deciding that the logical thing to do is wrap an arm around Dan, pull him close, kiss the top of his head as he breathes in the scent of his shampoo.

"Thank you for telling me," Phil utters in a broken voice. He can't possibly comprehend why Dan would have to suffer, why he didn't have the happy childhood he deserved, but the least he can do is try to make the future better for him.

"You're not mad?" Dan asks, somewhat dumbfounded.

"No." As an afterthought, he adds, "I don't like that you lied to me, Dan, but I'm not mad."

Dan nods into his shoulder. "I don't think I'd have told you any of this if I didn't want to... I don't know, really keep you around, I guess," the boy says, and while it's hardly a deep confession of any sort, Phil's stupid heart still skips a single, lonely beat.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

 

With nothing more to say for the time being, they remain in silence, holding each other close for a long time. Once they finally get up to leave the sofa, it's already dark outside. Dry traces of tears stain Dan's cheeks.

Phil is no different from Dan on that matter, but somehow, he knows they'll be alright.

 

~~~~~

 

Over the next few days, Phil gets to know a lot of things he didn't know of before. A lot of them are never said outright, but he listens to Dan, he observes him carefully, and slowly, the pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together.

Dan is more complex than Phil could ever hope to be. He came to London wanting to be alone, but hates being lonely. He doesn't like long, serious conversations about the past, but looks at Phil with endless gratitude when Phil just listens to him one of the nights, long after they've gone to bed. He downplays a lot of his own emotions, but once he bottles them up for too long, he can hardly think of anything but the things that led him to this previously dark place.

He says he never knew what it felt like to be in love before, but somehow, still seems to know all the right things to do and say.

Over the next days, it becomes clear that Dan hasn't spoken to any member of his family since he left home that one night, with no plan other than trying to become _someone_.

Phil can't help but wonder if some of his attempts weren't an unconscious attempt of trying to either prove his parents wrong, or on the contrary, make them proud.

The way Dan speaks of his family is very careful and guarded for someone who has clearly not had the best possible experience at being a child of a rather well-off lawyer. When he mentions his mum and his brother, his gaze softens. When he speaks about his father, his eyes are shooting daggers in every direction.

Phil doesn't press the matter much. Dan is the one to bring it up most of the time. They've both pried open his little box of memories, and now, it's almost impossible to ignore, but Phil figures they've got time.

There are still no big confessions, but Phil knows that it's only a matter of time before he crosses that line, too.

Somehow, through all the ups and downs, one thing stands out the most to him.

He never doubts wanting to stay with Dan. He can't even imagine having it any other way.

He tells the boy as much one night, whispers it into his ear, but Dan is already fast asleep, having drifted off in the middle of Phil's story about his first Pokémon game.

He'll try again. They've got time.

 

~~~~~

 

On the last day of June, they both set out on a journey back to London for a one-day trip to see Muse. Although only a few days have passed since their rather difficult heart-to-heart, both the boys are in a brilliant mood, and even train delays or crowds don't seem to bring them down.

The plan is simple: they arrive in the morning, hang out with Louise until the concert, then crash at a motel for the night and take the train back to Manchester the next day. They've still got a long time left when it comes to their summer vacation, so there is no reason for them to stay in London for the time being.

Lou meets them at the train station, bright and early, wearing a gorgeous yellow sundress. She's in London only for their sake, as she normally spends the summer at her parents' house.

Once they escape the crowds, they settle in at a pleasantly empty Starbucks and begin talking. It's all the usual - catching up, the upcoming year, Louise tells them about her new boyfriend, Matt, while Dan and Phil shoot each other knowing glances and say nothing about their own relationship.

Eventually as the coffee levels start depleting, both Louise and Phil decide to make Dan go stand in line to get them some refills.

"Go on Dan, you're the youngest of us all!" Louise exclaims, nudging him out of his seat.

"So? That means you two should be taking care of _me_ ," Dan argues with a grin.

"Phil takes care of you! He's got you all settled nice and cozy in Manchester, doesn't he?"

"You're right, I'm a brilliant host!" Phil agrees. "I even made Dan coffee once."

"You mean that piece of crap that you call coffee? It was _TESCO brand coffee_ , doesn't count," Dan dismisses.

"I gave you extra sugar to cover for the TESCO taste!"

"What's that going to help? Would it help if I made you coffee using an old rag as a filter and then added sugar? 'cos that's what it tastes like when you buy that brand."

"It's decent coffee!" Phil defends, trying to stifle a burst of laughter.

"You're just a peasant, Phil. A coffee peasant. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I swear, you two act like you've been married for at least ten years," Louise chides. "Go on Dan, I want a slice of cheesecake!" At that, she pushes the boy out of the chair without ceremony.

Dan stumbles and nearly falls straight into Phil's lap, a situation Phil would be more than happy with if not for Louise. After several moments of grumbling, Dan finally leaves them to go stand in line.

The moment he's out of earshot, Louise grabs Phil's hand and whispers excitedly, "He's not telling me anything! Did you two _finally_ get together? I've been waiting for this for a good few months!"

Phil simply stares at her, dumbstruck, and finally mumbles, "You should ask Dan."

"That's as good as a yes," Lou says, and Phil doesn't like lying, so he doesn't disagree. "Tell me all about it! How is it going?"

Phil thinks back to the rollercoaster that was the previous week. He feels his cheeks heating up as his mind skims over some of the moments, including the previous night.

Louise is not blind; on the contrary, Phil deems her a very perceptive person, and as such, he doesn't even have to reply for her smile to turn from knowing to smug.

"I'm happy for you both," she says earnestly, shooting a glance in Dan's direction to make sure he is still stuck in line. "Just be careful with him, hun. He's been in a bad place before you came along."

Pride and sorrow battle for dominance in Phil's mind upon hearing this, but in the end, he simply nods and assures, "I want him to be happy! I'll even buy better coffee once we get home!"

She giggles in reply and dismisses, "He is happy, Phil. Don't worry. I've known this little brat for the past ten years."

Phil's heart swells at hearing this. He wants to ask Louise for advice - after all, she knows Dan so well - but Dan is coming back to the table and their conversation is cut short.

"You've been talking about me," Dan accuses once he sits back down and hands them their things. "I can tell."

"Just discussing what kind of coffee you want me to buy once we get back to Manchester," Phil says innocently, grinning at Louise.

"I told him to not bother and just spill it all down your shirt if you start whining again."

"Figures. Why did I leave the two of you alone? You're both literally the worst people!"

"Look who's talking!"

The day flies by, and when at the end of it Louise whispers a quick _good luck_ in Dan's ear, the boy smiles at her with understanding.

It may seem like nothing, but to Phil it's yet another step in the right direction.

 

-

 

They get to the site of the concert two hours ahead of time, but still can't fit close to the stage and end up on the outskirts, content to merely have a screen in front of them, allowing them to see more than just little stick figures somewhere far in the distance.

They're buzzing with excitement. Any attempts at conversation are made difficult by the noise, but when they sit down on the grass next to each other, the overwhelming crowds make it easier for them to be anonymous.

Phil grabs his hand as he leans overly close to shout straight into Dan's ear. Dan elbows him in the ribs for being too loud, Phil nudges him with his knee. Their hands remain joined throughout.

For once, Phil doesn't care who sees. They've held hands in public before, but ever since their relationship has progressed from friends to lovers, he tries to respect Dan's wish of keeping it secret.

Today, Phil really doesn't care, and it seems that neither does Dan. He even goes as far as to give Phil a quick peck on the cheek before leaving him to bring them some beer.

 

Once the concert begins, they're both in a completely different world, singing along and making the most of the amazing experience. Phil finds himself almost delirious due to finally seeing his favorite band in concert.

When the band plays the very last chord, the crowd goes wild, but Phil's focus is entirely on Dan.

Dan turns to him, a look of complete, undisturbed joy on his face. His eyes are shining, he's smiling in total disbelief, as if for once, everything is all fine in his world.

"You're amazing!" Dan shouts, barely above the noise.

"I know! AmazingPhil!"

"Loser!"

" _Amazing_ loser!"

Dan rolls his eyes, and in the dispersing crowd, they both just _pause_. The look in his eyes changes from joyful to affectionate, and suddenly, it's as if they both know what the other wants. It's a silent agreement, a mutual understanding that doesn't need to be explained.

Phil leans in to close the distance between them, oblivious to all the people, hyper-aware of Dan's presence.

The kiss itself is brief, but it leaves them both with a feeling of exhilaration. No one sees, no one cares, not with thousands of people around.

But they care. And it's definitely a step in the right direction.

 

-

 

That night, as they lie next to each other in the least comfortable bed imaginable (right after the ones in their dorm), Phil stares at Dan while the boy drifts to sleep, observes the way the boy's breathing slowly evens out, the way he looks so serene, resting his head on Phil's chest.

Not for the first time, he finds himself overflowing with emotion. Dan's been through a lot, and yet trusts Phil with so many things. Why can't Phil trust him and say those three words that tickle the tip of his tongue nearly all the time?

He's got to, he'll have to be brave, sometime soon. Dan shouldn't just feel appreciated. He wants Dan to feel _loved_.

 

Once he is certain that Dan fell asleep, he whispers into the silence of the night, "I love you, Dan."

The boy stirs, but doesn't wake up, and Phil is both relieved and disappointed.

When he closes his eyes, he feels Dan snuggle into him, putting their bodies even closer. He allows the warmth to consume him and lull him to sleep, filled with a hundred different hopes for the future.

 


	17. New Habits, Old Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I know I'm boring, and yet I can't help but always thank you. You're truly the highlight of my week and hearing from you is what keeps me writing! Thank you! :)  
> I'm sorry, but this chapter is short. :( I've had a bit of a messy week and was not in the right mindset to write. I promise to make it up to you next Sunday!!  
> Meanwhile, please let me know if you enjoyed this chapter, and for the comments I haven't answered yet, I promise I will do it tomorrow! Thank you for being so lovely :)

"You're still not telling me all the fun, juicy details, Lester. This is _completely_ unsatisfactory."

Phil lets out a bark of unabashed laughter, drawing quite a few looks his way. Remembering that they're in the middle of a rather crowded McDonald's, he shrinks back, but only slightly. It's hardly a library, he's allowed to laugh, is he not?

"Look at you, Peej. When did you become such a gossip? You're acting like my Gran," he teases, looking past all the occupied tables, on a journey to find them a good place to sit. Or any place to sit, really. Whichever.

PJ shrugs, navigating through the crowd, pointing towards an emptier area. "S'pose Chris is rubbing off on me."

"I _bet_ he is."

"Shut up," PJ retaliates.

They both sit down with their trays, putting the subject aside for the time being. Phil knew that a proper conversation was long overdue; he's not spent much time with his childhood friend over the past weeks, and what PJ witnessed in Phil's kitchen not too long ago only made their recent lack of communication a more pressing issue.

In other, simpler words, Phil knew full well that he'd now have to own up to all of it and tell it like it is.

And it really is rather _magnificent_.

His parents are coming back from Florida next week, so he and Dan have been making the most of having the house to themselves. Most of their days go by without speaking or seeing another soul, unless you count making videos together, which they have been doing quite often as of late.

They wake up tangled together, and go to sleep equally close. They spend their days learning about one another, and Phil has never felt so vulnerable, yet so comfortable at the same time.

He shakes his head ever so slightly. Right now is not the time for sappy thoughts. He's got his best friend sitting across from him, and he _does_ owe him a bit of an explanation.

"Are we done talking about the weather, then?" PJ asks with a smirk, noticing a change in Phil's expression.

Phil grins, slightly embarrassed. Of course Peej sees through his poor attempts. He'd better get to the point. He's got Dan's permission, after all.

"What is there to say? You already know that Dan and I are, well, I suppose you could say..." he trails off, grabbing a mouthful of chips to avoid describing the exact nature of their relationship.

" _Shagging?_ " PJ helpfully supplies. Phil promptly chokes on his chips. 

"No! I mean -- I mean, we're, uh, I guess you could say, dating?" he blurts out.

"I swear I haven't seen you this flustered since you got a crush on that kid back in primary school," PJ comments, but he is not being unkind. When Phil looks at his friend, he is met with a content, friendly expression. "Besides, aren't you a bit past dating? You two _live_ together."

"We've lived together for almost a year," Phil counters, "It's hardly anything new. Anyway, you're one to talk. You and Chris are in the same situation."

PJ grins and says, "You know, Chris was onto you from day one. He's been talking my ear off about how you two have the hots for each other long before I even considered it possible."

Phil frowns, because Chris never struck him as a very perceptive person, but in all fairness, Phil hasn't been giving the guy enough credit. Having known him for soon a year, he is starting to learn which of his antics are just for show; it's a slow process, but yeah, Chris is a good guy.

"It took me a long time to figure it out," Phil admits. "But I got there in the end."

They share a friendly smile and fall into an easy silence that PJ breaks after a couple of minutes.

"What's Dan up to now, anyway? I thought you two were basically joined at the hip."

Phil looks down at what little remains of his meal and nervously corrects the exact placement of his jet-black fringe.

"He's actually looking up some flats online, calling people and such. Or well, he's pretty rubbish at talking on the phone, so I guess he'll just write down some numbers for me to ring later."

PJ, previously rather calm, looks positively shocked, as if his eyes are about to pop out of their sockets.

"What do you mean, _looking up flats_? Is he moving out?" his friend sputters with a confused frown on his face.

Phil laughs and protests loudly, "No, 'course not! We're thinking of renting a place together back in London, 's all."

"Are you _mad_?" PJ asks, astounded.

Phil spends the next few minutes briefly explaining why he suggested such a solution to Dan, and that it may seem insane, but he really wants to give it a shot. PJ remains unconvinced as to whether the two can afford it, but he does provide a good suggestion.

"You should make more videos," he says. "Your videos with Dan get a lot of views. More visibility means more money."

"I don't want to sell out," Phil dismisses, "And I don't think Dan would want that."

"You kidding me, Lester? He's a natural. Use those charms of yours to get him to do it and you'll both be swimming in cash," PJ half-jokes.

Phil winces, calling his friend a gold digger, to which Peej says that he hopes Phil will share his riches once he obtains them. They fall back into an easy banter and leave the subject for the time being.

Phil, however, does begin to wonder if he and Dan have to follow the road everybody else has walked before.

He's content enough with it, but Dan...

Dan deserves so much better than the dull gray hues of life that he has experienced so far.

 

- 

 

**_Dan (July 10th, 5:43 PM)_ **

**_are u ever coming home_ **

**_im bored_ **

****

_Phil (July 10th, 5:44 PM)_

_I've only been gone for like two hours!_

**_Dan (July 10th, 5:44 PM)_ **

**_and?_ **

****

_Phil (July 10th, 5:45 PM)_

_Aren't you happy I'm not there to hog the bed?_

**_Dan (July 10th, 5:46 PM)_ **

**_it's 6 in the afternoon_ **

**_why would we be in bed_ **

****

_Phil (July 10th, 5:46 PM)_

_Why wouldn't we? ;)_

**_Dan (July 10th, 5:48 PM)_ **

**_oh my god_ **

**_please never send me that winky face thing again_ **

****

_Phil (July 10th, 5:49 PM)_

_;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)_

**_Dan (July 10th, 5:50 PM)_ **

**_i hate you_ **

****

_Phil (July 10th, 5:50 PM)_

_No you don't_

**_Dan (July 10th, 5:51 PM)_ **

**_;)_ **

****

-

 

"Daaan! I'm here!" Phil screams the very moment he enters the house, carelessly kicking off his shoes in the dark hallway.

The moment he does, he hears quick footsteps approaching, running down the stairs until Dan appears in his vision. At first, the boy stops and gives him a big smile, but quickly schools himself to appear a bit more nonchalant. Phil, however, doesn't have the same kind of self-control and beams at his boyfriend as he closes the distance between them and pulls him in.

His lips find Dan's in a movement that is fluid, almost natural by now, and when their kiss deepens, Phil can't tell who initiates it. All that he knows is that it feels good, it feels _right_.

And blimey, he's an adult, but deep down he knows he missed Dan during the three hours he spent outside with PJ. He really should feel like more of a loser than he actually does.

Phil cups Dan's cheek as he pulls away by just a few inches, breaking the kiss, whispering _hi_ somewhere close to his mouth. Dan grins, revealing dimples that Phil can't help but find stupidly adorable, and mouths a _hello_ into Phil's lips, before meeting him for another kiss.

They _really_ don't do much in terms of talking as of late. Most of their communication is non-verbal, as in they'd rather make out than talk, and once they _really_ start making out, it usually doesn't stop there. Phil would have to be a deranged idiot to say that he minds that.

He keeps his lips firmly locked with Dan's as he pushes him against the wall, unconcerned by the family photos that hang on it, unbothered by the judgmental looks of the Lester clan that seem to track his every movement. He'd probably care if they were here _in person_ , but as it is now, Dan remains his sole focus for about ninety-nine percent of each and every day. It's a miracle that he managed to find the willpower to go and meet PJ.

Dan's hands impatiently sneak underneath his shirt as he runs his fingers over Phil's abdomen, sending shivers down his spine. He then settles his hands on Phil's hips, pulling him closer, creating friction in places that only makes Phil all the more set on just keeping him against that wall there because suddenly, walking all the way to the bedroom seems like a terrible, time-consuming idea.

He retaliates by wrapping his arms around the boy's waist and kissing his neck in a way that is sure to leave a mark. The way Dan's breath immediately quickens in response to Phil's caress ensures him that he shouldn't stop.

In truth, he and Dan haven't gotten much done over the past few weeks, and it didn't seem like that would be changing anytime soon.

"I've been looking at flats," Dan breathes while Phil gently bites at the skin just above his collarbone. "In our price range, they're all worse than a flipping _cardboard box_."

Phil pauses his ministrations to look Dan in the eyes. The boy makes a whiny noise, but does eventually meet his gaze. He doesn't seem the least bit upset.

"Do you mind?"

"Fuck no. Let's pick the nicest cardboard box in town."

And then they're smiling, and then they're kissing again, and while they _do_ make it to bed eventually, it takes them far longer than Phil would have predicted.

 

~~~~~

 

Two days prior to Phil's parents coming back from Florida, they both decide it's time to do some cleaning up. The entire house is a bloody mess, they haven't done the laundry in a quite long time, and soon enough they will be able to build a fort out of empty pizza boxes. In short, it's _bad_ , and even Dan recognizes this.

They split the duties and procrastinate throughout. Phil can't help but wonder how they'll manage to live in a flat of their own and not drown in a heap of junk, but really, it's hardly a serious concern to him. He's strangely looking forward to living with Dan, on their own, with no random visits and with a little more space.

He only hopes that this will in fact work out. It's a huge risk for the both of them to take.

At the end of the day, they're both fit for nothing else than a shower. Phil's hair looks miserable, every single muscle seems to bring him pain, and all he wants is to go to sleep.

"Give me a massage," Phil whines once they're both laying in bed, splayed out on top of it, their hair still wet from their recent shower.

"You want me to break your spine? There's a good reason why I haven't opened a massage parlor yet," Dan says, stretching, accidentally elbowing Phil in the nose.

Phil retaliates by kicking him in the ankle, quite used to it by now. They're both tall; they'd need a bed the size of Phil's room in order to avoid hitting each other on occasion.

"You're not allowed to open a massage parlor," Phil states pointedly, "I don't want you near any other _hot guys_."

Dan turns his head lazily to look at Phil, who then winks at him the very moment their eyes meet.

"I told you, _no winky faces_."

"Real life doesn't count."

"No, you're right. It's even worse when you do it in person, so it technically counts _twice_."

Phil smiles. Sometimes, when he's with Dan, he feels as though he is about to burst from all the feelings he's so filled with. With affection, with fondness, with contentment. With surprise at how lucky he's gotten, finding this guy in a sea of nameless faces.

Or rather, not only _finding_ him but also getting to where they are right now. It's all new and fresh and all kinds of tentative, but slowly, he begins to feel like he and Dan are growing together. Each new experience fills him with comfort and glee unlike any he has experienced before.

For weeks now, he's been waiting for that perfect moment to say the three words he has never quite said out loud, not when Dan was awake at the very least. To Phil, the word _love_ is very important and meaningful and as such, he's fully aware of the hopeless sap he's being about this. He just wants it to be a special moment, not only for him but mainly for Dan.

But as he lays there, looking at his _boyfriend_ \- and he might be a complete loser, but referring to Dan as his boyfriend fills him with pride - he wonders if he really should keep postponing it.

If his heart swells with love for Dan, why not take that final leap and express it properly? Especially if Dan is looking right at him, his brown eyes, filled with specks of golden, boring into his with a fondness Phil hasn't experienced prior to meeting Dan Howell?

Why wait if he knows that _love_ is an emotion that Dan alone had taught him about without even meaning to?

"Dan," he says softly.

They're both laying on their backs, heads turned to allow them to look at one another. Phil can't help but be reminded of their first kiss, of the way they lied this exact same way, staring at each other unabashedly.

"Yeah?" Dan replies, his voice quiet.

"I want to--" he begins, not sure as to what kind of a speech he should make prior to this, at least to him, important moment.

"You want to _what_?" Dan prompts when he remains silent for a moment. The boy looks nervous, but the small smile that plays on his lips tells Phil that he isn't _scared_.

Perhaps he already _knows_.

"Well, I..." he trails off, unsure of how to proceed. He knows what he is feeling, but putting it into words is far more difficult than showing it through actions.

To break the silence and win himself some time, he leans in and kisses Dan; a soft caress that is not meant to lead to anything else other than expressing affection. When they part, Dan is smiling.

"Go on, then," Dan whispers. His eyes are flitting all over Phil's face before finally focusing on his eyes.

 _Come on, Phil_. _You can do it_.

Just as Phil is about to open his mouth and finally come out and say it, the bloody doorbell rings.

He can't help but marvel at the amount of bad timing that always seems to surround him and Dan. They haven't even ordered pizza today, so he's got no clue as to whom this might be.

He rolls his eyes. Dan glares at him, mildly disappointed, and he honestly feels the same way. He _wanted_ to say it. He's spent the last twenty minutes convincing himself that he should.

"Be right back," he mutters with an apologetic smile, dragging himself out of bed despite his aching, overused muscles.

He skips the steps two at a time, only further hurried by the insistent person awaiting him at the door. The doorbell goes off three more times before Phil finally gets to the hallway and swings the door open without looking who it might be.

 

Once he does answer the door, he freezes in place, suddenly unable to move. The only thought that crosses his mind is that he should slam it in that person's face, but his arms refuse to obey him. He simply stares at the person with his mouth slightly agape, saying nothing at all.

"Hey Philip. I heard you were in town. I didn't want to miss such a brilliant opportunity to come and say hello."

Once Phil gathers his bearings enough to speak, his voice is unusually cold. His features slowly transform from surprise to borderline hostility.

 

With considerable effort and an increasingly prominent frown, he finally speaks up.

"Hello, Charles."


	18. Never a Better Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being a WEEK late with updating! :( I really thought I'd be able to update during the week, but no such luck. I've been ill and working 12 hours a day on top of that. Here's a tip for you all: don't get a job. And if you do, make sure it's not my job. :P  
> Thank you for being so wonderful and understanding about this! I promise to get back on schedule now. If you want to stay up to date on things, please follow me on tumblr! :) [phanbliss.tumblr.com](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com).  
> As for this chapter, um... There _may_ be yet another reason why this is rated M. If you hate it, feel free to skip it, although you may miss out on some things this time.  
>  Please tell me if you enjoyed this, and I'll see you next week - promise!!

Everything falls quiet, the only exception being Phil's rapid thoughts.

What is Charles doing here? What does he _want_? They haven't spoken in like what, a year and a half?

He's only heard of him through mutual friends, and most of it has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, the man that now stands before him appears entirely unchanged in comparison to the last time they've seen each other.

Charlie has brown hair that always gets into his equally brown eyes. His face is soft around the edges, but the kind look is spoiled by a smug smirk. He's wearing a hoodie and a loose pair of jeans that do nothing to compliment his rather slender frame.

"What are you doing here?" Phil asks, trying to keep hostility out of his voice. For a while now, this has been a natural response when it comes to Charles - at first anger, then indifference. Now, when having to face him again, the stronger of the two emotions resurfaces rather quickly.

"Just stopped by to check on you," Charles responds with a shrug. "You're not here very often, isn't that right, Phil?"

Charles has a thick Northern accent that Phil had already managed to get rid of during the years he had spent in London. He looks at Phil with interest, seemingly unfazed and casual.

"Well, thanks for checking on me, I suppose," Phil says and begins to close the door without further ado.

Charlie intercepts it by sticking his arm through the crack, much the same way people do when trying to stop a lift from closing, only this time he's putting his wrist at a legitimate risk of being crushed by Phil.

It's tempting, it really is, but Phil is _too nice_. He stops just before hurting the guy.

"Can't I come in?"

"What for?"

"To talk, to catch up. I've got something to say to you."

Phil rolls his eyes. He remembers Charles and the way he never said things out right, there was always a scheme or some other strange thing that he'd never tell him about. Things were never simple.

Of course, him lying to Phil in the end didn't exactly _help_ either.

"What do you _want_ , Charles?" he asks impatiently. He doesn't even want to see him, especially not like this, especially not with Dan waiting for him upstairs.

Charlie smirks as he replies, "Just to talk to you, that's all. Surely that's not a crime?"

Phil takes a deep breath and counts to five, not wanting to lose his composure.

"I think we've said everything that we had left to say when we last spoke," he reasons coldly, unwilling to budge.

With a condescending look, the man says, "Come on, don't tell me you're still upset about that?"

"I'm not," Phil responds honestly, clearly throwing Charles off his game. "I've got better things to do with my life than being upset with you."

"Wow. What's gotten into _you_?"

Their conversation is abruptly cut short by the sound of Dan calling out to Phil and then padding down the stairs.

Phil visibly stiffens, not wanting to introduce the two. Now's the last chance to slam the door in Charles' face and pretend he was a door-to-door salesman. But no, he's not going to lie to Dan, especially when everything related to this man is just a dark vision of his past.

"Phil? Are you ever coming back up?" Dan shouts.

Phil turns around just in time to see him appear, their eyes meeting instantly.

"Oh, so _that_ is Dan Howell," Charles remarks somewhere behind Phil's back. "No wonder you're not letting me in."

Phil exhales, turning around only to briefly glare at Charles, then motioning for Dan to come over. The boy does so without question, looking confused, his hair still somewhat moist, and as a result, an adorable, unruly mess of curls. Phil wants to wrap an arm around his waist in a protective gesture, but restrains himself, not wanting to reveal too much in front of Charlie.

He's got to do it, he _has_ to introduce them. Dan was open with him and deserves to receive the same treatment in return. Even so, Phil just wants this to be a closed chapter of his life, and having it interfere with anything related to Dan is absolutely unwelcome to him.

"Dan, this is Charlie," Phil says with an ounce of uncertainty. Dan's eyes immediately flash with recognition; Phil spots a bit of a frown starting to form. "Charles, this is Dan."

"I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but not _really_. Phil, I've come to talk to you, not your _new_ boyfriend," Charles says heatedly.

Phil's patience, although still a rather vast resource, also has its' limits. He is somewhat surprised by how quickly he snaps, though.

"You've got nothing to say to me that Dan can't hear. In fact, I don't believe you've got anything to say to me _at all_."

Charlie scoffs. Dan, as if on instinct, moves closer to Phil, grabbing his hand and looking equal parts perplexed and offended. Phil knows that he will have to explain, but first of all, he just wants to get rid of Charlie. Who even told him that he is in town? He mentally scans his list of mutual friends, wondering who might've betrayed him, but then again... Phil even said that he was coming home on his Twitter. Charlie definitely _is_ the type of guy to stalk a person's social media after falling out. It's plausible. That would also explain why he recognized Dan right away.

"You want to test that theory? In front of your boyfriend?" Charles challenges with a fake smile.

"It's not like that," Phil protests out of respect for Dan's preference to keep their relationship to themselves. Charlie is definitely not a _close friend_ \- not someone he'd disclose anything to, not even what he had for breakfast two years ago.

Despite his reasoning being sound, he feels the way Dan freezes, stills against his side and falls silent. Charles notices, too. The trio remains quiet for a long, heavy half a minute.

"Phil, I just want to _talk_ to you," Charles insists, voice calmer and less unkind.

"What do you even want?" Dan pitches in, "He doesn't want you here."

"Doesn't your _husband_ mind you walking around and bothering people?" Phil spits out. He's always found it entirely ridiculous that Charles actually _chose_ to get married, being only one year his senior. The whole thing made no sense to Phil at the time.

Apparently, his sarcastic amusement is shared by the person who is the target of it, because Charlie chuckles grimly. "You really haven't heard? We never got married. I was just trying to make you jealous back then." He pauses, looks Phil right in the eyes, ignoring Dan entirely. "And I'm sorry. I regret it. That's what I came here to say."

Phil is... Floored. Because he is over Charles. He's been over Charles for many months. He doesn't care anymore that Charlie cheated on him and tried to ruin him within their circle of friends. It's just made him more wary of people, but he no longer _cares_. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Trust Charles to pick the right moment to come and stir it all up again.

Before Phil manages to conjure any sort of a reaction to this, appropriate or not, Dan slips from his grasp and moves forward, standing between him and Charles.

"Well, sucks to be you, mate," Dan shouts, eyes shooting daggers. "Now kindly _fuck off_."

 

He then does what Phil should've done ten minutes ago. He slams the door right in Charlie's face.

 _"Fuck you!"_ Charlie screams. After a moment, they hear the sound of angry footsteps marching away from Phil's doorstep.

And then, they're alone.

 

-

 

Phil sits Dan down and explains. That he and Charlie knew each other for ages, that they were good friends, that they eventually started dating. That it was a mess and Charlie kept breaking it off and Phil always forgave him, until one day he didn't.

After all, he could hardly forgive him for sleeping with Dave while Phil was away at university.

Charlie didn't take it well, blackmailing Phil and trying to spread nasty rumors about him within their circle of friends, but most of them stood firmly by Phil. Eventually, he heard that Charlie is about to get married, at the rather young age of twenty-two.

It stung, but he shrugged it off eventually. And then he met Dan, and everything changed; his whole world turned around, in fact, and it's all for the better. In truth, he hadn't even thought of Charlie in almost a year.

Dan asks a few questions; not too many, but a few. He tells Phil that he's sorry things weren't good before, to which Phil replies that he doesn't care, that he's happy now.

Dan gives him a small smile, but when they go to bed, he doesn't cuddle up to him the way he usually does. Phil tries to tell himself that the boy is just tired, but he knows full well that's not all there is to it.

 

~~~~~

 

The day following Charlie's sudden appearance is the last day before Phil's parents come home from Florida, and Phil had been hoping to make the best of it. He wanted to hang out with Dan, take it easy, maybe even cook dinner, just have some time to themselves. Dan, however, opts to lie quietly on Phil's bed, watching TV without gracing Phil with as much as one glance.

For a while, Phil tries to ignore it; he figures he might be paranoid, overreacting, Dan may just be tired. Ton's of things could be the reason. And so, he tries to strike up conversation, jumping from topic to topic, getting very little response. Eventually, he says he's going to get something to eat and leaves the room, going down to the kitchen.

Something is wrong, and Phil hates it. Perhaps meeting Charlie has spoiled Dan's mood? It's done about the same thing to Phil's, but he is not one to dwell, he'd prefer to put it behind them and move on. Dan, however, seems set on sulking for the entire day.

He has some toast, mulling it all over. Chatting up Dan and ignoring the issue clearly doesn't seem to be working, and as Phil hates tension and things that remain unsaid, it doesn't take long for him to start drilling in order to find the source of the problem. He goes back upstairs and quietly enters the room, finding Dan just as he'd left him.

 

"Dan?"

The boy keeps looking at the television as he replies, "Yeah?"

"What's the matter?" Phil asks, moving from the doorway to the bed, sitting down next to Dan.

"What are you on about? Nothing's the matter," Dan dismisses, eyes still glued to the screen.

"Right, sure, I believe you," he says with a small smile that Dan refuses to meet.

"I'm glad."

Phil observes his boyfriend in silence for a while. Dan's jaw is clenched, his brows furrowed, gaze stuck to the screen, although he could bet that Dan's not paying any attention to the show. He's clearly cross with him about something, Phil can't figure out what. He's been nice today, he made Dan breakfast, and alright, maybe the pancakes _were_ a bit of a flop, but he's tried his best.

Clearly, his best just wasn't enough this time.

"Dan, honestly, what is it?" he tries again. He grabs Dan's hand and breathes out a quiet sigh of a relief when the boy doesn't pull away.

Dan, with a face that speaks of long-suffering and weariness, finally grumbles, "Why don't you ask _Charlie_?"

Phil is thrown off guard by the poison in Dan's voice. As such, when he responds, it comes off as a tad weak.

"What d'you mean? I told you I'm not speaking to him."

"Well yeah, but he wants to talk to you. I'm not stopping you, you know," Dan mutters, finally meeting Phil's intent, worried gaze.

"What's wrong with you?" Phil presses, "You're the one who slammed the door in his face last night, and now you're telling me to go talk to him?"

On most days, Phil understands Dan, but today, the meaning of it all is elusive to him. He doesn't know how to respond to this sudden mood swing.

"So you didn't _want me_ to tell him to fuck off?" Dan perks up, or well, not _really_. He's looking as grim as ever, but he seems to have latched on to that statement, completely ignoring Phil's point.

"That's not what I said," Phil replies, now utterly confused.

"Right, 'course it's not. You could've just said you wanted him to come in. I mean, it's your house, isn't it? I can hardly stop you, can I?"

Dan has always been a tad moody ever since the beginning of their friendship, so while this isn't entirely unusual, it's still _uncharacteristic_ for the Dan he's gotten to know over the past couple of months. Phil stares at him mutely while Dan keeps on ranting under his breath ( _you two seem pretty damn tight, that's some heavy past, I mean you could always invite him over, go get your phone or something, fuck it we might as well go there, where does he even live, I bet he lives in a fucking mansion doesn't he_ ), thinking it over until he finally stumbles upon a reason that seems rather possible.

Could Dan be...

"Dan?" he prompts, and when he's ignored, he brings his hand to Dan's face and gently cups the boy's cheek in order to force eye contact. "Dan, _look_ at me," he pleads softly.

Dan closes his eyes for a moment, exhales, opens them again, looks right at Phil, the corners of his mouth turned downwards in a small grimace.

Phil is always struck by a wave of wonder when looking straight into Dan's eyes. His gaze, so often guarded in public, is vulnerable when they are alone. It almost feels as though they are one person; Dan's emotions are his and vice versa. This fragile kind of exposure should feel terrifying, and at times, it truly does. But most of the time, such as right now, Phil is full of pride at having earned the trust of someone like Dan, proud of being somewhat confident in his estimations when it comes to the boy's mood and state of mind.

They stare each other down for a brief while, both equally silent. Eventually, Phil decides it's about time someone spoke up.

"Are you _jealous_?" he asks, stupidly unable to hold back a small grin.

"What?" Dan sputters, looking like he's just heard a terrible joke. "Don't be daft, _jealous_? Of what? Why would I be jealous?"

Phil tries to school his features, but it's all to no avail. Meanwhile, Dan glances away from him, finding sudden interest in the old, ugly pattern of the wallpaper in Phil's room.

"I don't know, of Charles, I s'pose," he muses lightly, not wanting to upset Dan if this is indeed the case.

"You're bloody ridiculous, Phil."

"So you're not, then?" Phil confirms.

"Fucking hell, 'course not," Dan grumbles as Phil continues to stare at him, not quite convinced. After a pause he brings his palm up to his face and tiredly rubs his eyes. He seems to mull it over for a while; Phil remains silent. At long last, Dan mutters in a strained voice, "Alright, maybe. Maybe _a bit_."

Phil is full-on smiling by now, like a cat that finally ate the canary, and he _knows_ that he shouldn't be, because Dan is clearly in distress of some sort. However, knowing that the boy has got nothing to be jealous of, Phil can't help but feel a _liiittle_ bit flattered by the fact that he is important enough for Dan to feel a twinge of jealousy.

Dan, alerted by the silence, looks back at him and finds him grinning like an idiot. At first, the boy looks positively _offended_ , but he quickly crumbles underneath Phil's self-satisfied smirk.

"What? He was coming on to you!" Dan shouts, clearly struggling to maintain an upset, grumpy expression. "Or whatever that was."

"And he made you _jealous_ ," Phil states in slight sing-song.

"I wouldn't say _jealous_ really, he's just really fucking annoying, 's all," he grumbles. Phil notices a faint hint of a blush creeping up on the boy's cheeks, and that little detail only serves to disarm him further.

"Mhmm," Phil hums in reply and then says nothing else.

The sudden lack of teasing draws Dan back out of his temporary shell, allowing their eyes to meet once more.

Dan is not easy to read, not by any stretch, but Phil has soon got a year of experience under his belt. He easily spots the glimmer of anxiety that hides within the brown orbs as he stares into them, amusement slowly transforming into adoration.

He moves so that he is able to look directly at Dan, sitting cross-legged across from him on the bed, and whispers, "Dan, you've literally got nothing to be jealous of."

Dan shoots him a questioning look. Phil's arm moves almost on its' own accord, cupping Dan's cheek again. The purpose of it is not only to keep their eyes locked; it's merely an affectionate caress that Phil can hardly keep himself from.

"Why?" Dan whispers, letting his annoyed facade fall away entirely.

"Because I don't want anyone else." Phil moves in, eyes still locked on Dan's, their faces now mere inches apart. "I only want you."

The last thing he sees before closing his eyes is the way Dan's expression softens, the small smile that graces his lips before they are joined in a kiss.

Phil takes his time. He kisses Dan slowly, almost as if trying to punctuate each and every individual touch of their lips, not wanting to rush anything. The first kisses are soft and feather-light, a greeting, an introduction; no, actually, it's the welcoming feeling of being home after a long, tiring day out. Warmth fills him from head to toe, only intensifying with each touch of Dan's lips.

 

Phil eventually deepens the kiss, taking Dan's bottom lip in between his own only to later slip his tongue past the zip of their mouths. He is exploring, because each time they do this is new and fresh and a breathtaking mixture of familiarity and the intoxicating unknown.

They break apart only for an instant, long enough for Phil to gently set Dan down on the bed, swiftly following him. He's supporting himself on his elbows as he leans back down to keep kissing Dan, their gazes meeting only briefly before they both close their eyes again.

As far as Phil is concerned, time doesn't exist, not anymore. The only thing that exists, the only thing that _matters_ , is the combined sound of their erratically beating hearts. Phil tastes Dan's lips, bites very softly so as not to hurt him in any way, pausing only to kiss his neck; just a few stray caresses before moving up again, locking their lips once more. Their tongues meet again as Phil ventures to explore further, soon leaving the both of them rather breathless.

When Phil pulls away, Dan's laying beneath him, arms spread, pupils blown wide as he stares right into Phil's eyes. In his expression, Phil recognizes both lust and worry.

"I'm sorry," Dan whispers after a heavy moment of silence.

"Don't be," Phil immediately shoots back.

"You deserve better than me," the boy blurts out. "I'm insecure as fuck and I don't know how to deal with it."

Phil intercepts his train of thought with yet another gentle kiss. When they part, he says, "That's a load of rubbish. I don't deserve _you_ , Dan. Don't say things like that."

"Yeah, right," Dan scoffs.

"It's true," Phil protests heatedly, "You're perfect to me, honestly, insecurities and all."

"Why?" Dan asks, as if he truly can't comprehend what Phil sees in him.

"Because you're you," he responds, inwardly bashing himself for being so awkward with words. Dan is so well spoken, Phil can hardly build a proper sentence under pressure, much less express his feelings. "Because you're everything I needed and never knew I'd find and because I want you to be happy. More than I ever wanted to be happy myself."

The room is dark, aside from the television that's still on, creating a humming background noise that they both ignore. They're so close that he can feel Dan's quickened heartbeat echo throughout his own chest. Dan's eyes are shining in the dim light, and while the boy doesn't say anything, Phil can tell from the way he looks at him that Dan doesn't believe his words. Dan doesn't think of himself as perfect. On some days, he doesn't even find himself adequate.

To Phil, he always is.

"You're delusional," Dan says without malice, with affection.

"I'm right," Phil argues in a similar tone.

 

When he moves back in to kiss Dan again, there is a sense of purpose that only adds to the intensity of the moment.

He wants Dan to feel just how amazing Phil thinks he is.

Phil's lips travel upwards from the boy's collarbone, past his jaw line, nibbling on his ear ever so slightly. His right hand slips underneath Dan's shirt, brushing past his hips up to his stomach, fingers playing with the strip of hair that Dan said he could shave, but Phil asked him not to.

Dan lets out a barely audible gasp while Phil continues to nibble on his ear, only pausing to whisper, "You're amazing, Dan."

Dan shivers underneath him. Phil longs for skin-on-skin contact; they're wearing far too many pieces of clothing. He wants to feel Dan's warmth directly on his skin.

He moves back to look Dan in the eyes and sits up, straddling him, pulling off his own shirt and then helping Dan do the same. He's quick to move back within range of being able to kiss Dan, and as he does so, each and every kiss, every caress, every brush of fingers against his skin, is accompanied by a loving whisper somewhere close to Dan's ear.

"I can't believe I've got you," Phil breathes against Dan's skin. The boy lays beneath him, pliant, eyes glued to Phil, tracking his every action.

He begins to leave a trail of open-mouthed kisses all along the boy's neck, moving down to his chest and then his stomach, all the way until he reaches the hem of Dan's jeans. He unbuttons them with shaking hands, impatient to pull them off. In the process, he ends up removing Dan's boxers, leaving him completely exposed.

Clothes thrown to the floor, he wants to get right back to it, but he tries to control his eagerness.

He wants to drive Dan wild, to make him forget about his inhibitions, to quit holding back.

 

Wanting to take it slow is one thing, but having Dan's naked body right before his eyes never fails to send Phil's senses into overdrive, making him act on instinct. He is quick to dive right back in, starting where he previously paused, kissing down Dan's stomach, consciously avoiding the place where Dan clearly wants him the most. They're both hard and Phil's jeans feel tight, much too tight, but he doesn't want to stop. It's Dan that brings it to his attention.

"Take off your jeans," he whines. "I wanna see you..." he trails off, staring at Phil.

He smirks as he pulls away, making quick work of his jeans, boxers and socks.

"Better?" he asks teasingly, changing his mind about his previous course of action and moving up to kiss Dan, their bodies touching in every place aside from the one where they both need it the most. Phil withholds the contact on purpose, wanting to prolong it all.

Dan doesn't respond, but he does grin at Phil for an instant before taking his face in his hands and kissing him, only stopping to gasp for air when Phil grinds his hips into Dan's.

They've done this before. Since their first time, they've done a lot of things, and they're both slowly learning about all the right buttons to push.

Phil has learned that Dan likes it when he is in control.

He keeps on grinding against him, far too slow for both of their liking, while Dan meets his thrusts, bucking up into him every time he moves away. Their kisses grow sloppy as the pleasure builds up, neither really wanting to stop.

Moving faster now, he reaches down, wrapping his hand around Dan's length to intensify the pleasure as he keeps on moving against him. Dan's breath stutters as he does so, pausing for a moment before coming out in even faster, shorter spurts of air.

Phil bites at Dan's neck, sucks at the sensitive skin, surely leaving hickeys that he can't bring himself to care about. The boy begins to writhe beneath him, arms wrapped around his neck, and Phil is fully aware of the fact that if he keeps on, they will both be done in no time at all.

He stills. Dan doesn't, clearly hungry for more, but Phil wants to make this even better for him. Despite Dan's protests, he slips away, moving down the bed, this time rather quick to go for exactly what he is after.

He begins by lapping at the tip of Dan's cock and licking his way up and down Dan's length. He then wraps his slender fingers around him and begins to stroke, taking only the head into his mouth.

Dan, completely on instinct, lifts his hips each time Phil moves away. His hands are pulling at Phil's hair, and the room is filled with increasingly loud noises of pleasure.

"Phil, fuck, this is -- just -- _more_ ," he cries.

Phil hums in assent, the vibrations only further affecting Dan, as he removes his hand and takes him into his mouth, all the way in. Dan lets out a sigh, clearly waiting for Phil to finally start moving.

He wraps his lips firmly around Dan's cock, hollowing out his cheeks, and quickly falls into a rhythm that increases in pace with every passing second. He's bobbing his head up and down, fingers digging into the skin of Dan's hips as he holds him in place, although quite unable to keep him still. His other hand slips underneath Dan's body, grabbing his ass and squeezing, but keeping himself from going further than that. He doesn't know if Dan would like it; they've not gone past that point yet.

Now that he's started, he's impatient to bring him to the finish, to intensify the pleasure in any way possible. Dan's moans nearly make him lose his mind; he's driven by instinct alone, and instinct tells him not to stop.

"Fuck, you just -- you feel so good, I --" Dan pants, letting out strings of incoherent, pleasure-ridden words.

He pauses for a moment, looking up at Dan's wrecked face. He's now clutching at the sheets, eyes closed shut, face full of desire. Phil keeps on, increasing the pace, reaching down to stroke himself in the meantime. His own moans echo against Dan's length, only adding to the sensation.

He's close to losing it too, but then Dan abruptly pulls back.

"Wait, Phil, stop, just -- just stop," Dan breathes.

What's he done? Has he done something wrong to Dan? Hurt him somehow? He immediately does as he's told and tries his best to focus on Dan's face, his brain hazy and befuddled from desire.

"Dan? Are you okay?" he asks, voice low and husky, but mostly concerned.

The boy seems to ponder something, to think of what to say, and bites his bottom lip, shooting Phil a shy look.

"I want more," he mutters at last, "I want... I want _you_."

Phil can't help the way his mouth instantly falls open as the meaning of Dan's words sinks in. Not for the first time, he is taken by surprise.

If he said he hadn't thought about it, he'd be a fucking liar.

His body shivers in anticipation before he even manages to get his brain to start wondering whether they _should_ , if Dan _really wants it_ , if it's _really okay_ -

"You're thinking again," Dan interrupts him. "I want to... If you do, I mean."

The room is too dark for Phil to be able to tell whether Dan is blushing when not close to his face, but his expression is the very definition of bashfulness as he admits to what he wants.

"Really?" he asks, because he's _got_ to be sure.

Dan nods, making Phil's heart stutter. Once again, he's going to need to make sure that this is a positive experience for Dan.

Their eyes remain locked for what feels like an eternity. Both their bodies are covered by a thin sheen of sweat, and Phil's still as hard as can be, still on the verge. Keeping himself in check long enough for this is not going to be easy.

 

He looms over Dan as he leans forward to get the lube out from his bedside drawer. An unopened bottle that he'd bought just a bit over a week ago, because he thought that maybe they could try this sometime. He never thought that Dan would be the one to bring it up, though.

Phil opens the bottle, never once looking away from Dan; the boy is staring right back at him, eyes dark with desire and, Phil suspects, a little bit of fear.

He pours some lube onto his right hand and slicks up his fingers, rubbing his hands to warm them up. Once he is ready, he looks to Dan for further assent, receiving another nod in reply.

He kisses him, an open-mouthed caress that serves to distract the boy a little, as he moves his hand down and finds Dan's entrance.

Dan immediately freezes beneath him, clearly nervous, so Phil kisses him again, whispering a breathy _it's fine, let go_ right into his ear, bringing shivers down Dan's spine. He nods, clearly trying to relax his muscles as Phil circles his entrance for a moment before finally pushing one finger inside.

The boy gasps against his mouth, back arching involuntarily as he breaks the kiss, tucking his face somewhere into the crook of Phil's neck. Phil moves very slowly, stretching Dan little by little until he can't go any farther, pushing his finger in all the way up to the knuckle. Then, he stops.

"You okay?" he breathes against Dan's neck. Dan remains still, not moving, and so does Phil.

"Yeah," he assures in a strained voice.

"Does it hurt?"

"No, it's just... It's _weird_ ," Dan admits.

"You'll tell me if you want me to stop, right?" Phil presses, because the last thing he wants is to hurt Dan.

Dan hums in confirmation. Phil leaves soft kisses all along his neck as he begins to move his finger, angling it in an attempt to find the one spot that will undoubtedly make Dan go wild.

When Dan is ready for it, Phil adds another finger and starts moving them in and out, stretching the boy out further.

"Oh my - _fuck_ ," Dan nearly screams as his entire body writhes in shock and pleasure, and Phil knows that he's just found Dan's prostate. He makes an effort to keep hitting that spot with each movement now, soothing Dan's moans by locking their lips, tongues twisting as they sloppily make out. Dan stirs underneath him, grinding their hips together, eliciting a breathy moan from Phil.

Just watching Dan fall apart underneath him is more than enough to push him past the limit. It takes all of his willpower not to touch himself more than Dan is doing by moving against him.

Once he adds a third finger, Dan freezes, clearly overcome with the sensation. Phil slows down considerably, allowing him to adjust to the change, only brushing the spot that makes Dan lose his senses, not wanting to overwhelm him.

"I need more," Dan begs eventually, "I want _you_ ," he chokes out, pushing needily against Phil.

He doesn't give in to Dan's demands, not yet. He waits until the boy absolutely can't lie still, until his every breath comes out as a needy noise, until he wraps his arms around Phil's neck and tries to pull him even closer. Only then does he stop, internally applauding himself on the amount of willpower that he's got, all of it spent on this one evening. He pulls away from Dan and stares at him, observes the way his chest heaves with each breath, takes note of his eyes, shut tight, mouth open in pleasure.

He slicks himself up and lifts Dan's hips ever so slightly, looming over him, supporting himself on his arms, placed on each side of Dan's head.

"Ready?" he whispers.

"Please," is all Dan utters in reply.

He begins to slowly slide inside, inch by inch, not wanting to hurt Dan. He clearly hears the way Dan's breath hitches in his throat, leaving him breathless for a moment as Phil stops, unable to move any further. Dan's warmth around his length is driving him wild, and what little remains of his self-control is all needed to avoid picking up pace. For a moment, he remains still, as does Dan. He's got his eyes shut, but feeling Dan's gaze on his face, he opens them and stares right back at him.

Dan is flustered and wrecked and just this side of terrified, Phil can tell. He reaches towards Dan's forehead, pushing his fringe out of the way as he kisses it before meeting his lips in a soft, affectionate kiss that is meant to soothe him. He then begins to move, stuttering movements that are painstakingly slow, trying his best not to cause him any pain.

Dan is biting his bottom lip, eyes closed, brows furrowed. His arms are spread wide as he lays beneath Phil, seemingly motionless, yet still meeting each slow thrust, grinding his hips as they fall into a steady rhythm. Phil can't help but look at Dan - take him in his entirety - stare at the way slight discomfort transforms into pleasure when he once again finds the spot that makes Dan breathless, angling himself just right.

He can't last long, not like this, not when Dan is moaning right into his ear, not when he is asking him to move faster now. Phil does, somewhat gently, but he picks up pace, trying to hit the right spot with each and every thrust.

"I'm close," Dan moans.

Phil stops only to take hold of Dan's wrist and guide it, entranced as he looks down between their bodies to find the boy touching himself.

"Me too," he rasps, incoherent.

Dan lets out a breathy noise, asking Phil not to stop. In all honesty, he doesn't think he could stop by now, even if he tried. He keeps on pushing against Dan, unable to think or see or do anything but lose himself in the warmth and pleasure that seems to have taken over his entire world.

He replaces Dan's hand with his own, knowing he won't last much longer, and strokes him until a string of _Phil, Phil, fuck, Phil_ slips past the boy's mouth. He can hardly breathe, overwhelmed with pleasure, and he opens his eyes only to see Dan finally reach his peak. He carries him through it, doesn't stop for a moment, knowing that each touch will only heighten the sensation. Seconds later, he feels wetness against his stomach when Dan finally finds his release, Phil following moments later after a few final thrusts.

 

He slumps on top of Dan, a boneless heap, panting into the crook of his neck as the boy lays there, mouth open, eyes closed, arms spread.

It takes several minutes for either one to speak, and once Dan does break the silence, it's just one word.

"Wow," is all that Dan manages to breathe out.

 _Wow_ is a fucking understatement, but Phil doesn't say that, he can't say anything really. Instead, he forces his eyes open to take in Dan's face, closing the short distance and kissing him again; a caress that works to express at least a bit of his feelings for his boyfriend.

He's never felt this close to Dan. Somehow, this feels like yet another step in the right direction, and Phil may be a sap, but every tiny step with Dan only makes him fall deeper still.

He didn't know it was possible to need someone as much as he needs Dan.

He wanted this moment to be perfect. He's planned it all out in his head.

Needless to say, he's not going to follow his own plan.

 

When they break apart, slow, lazy kisses coming to an end, Phil simply stares into Dan's eyes and finds everything he has ever wanted. He doesn't want to wait or delay it or leave it for a moment that will be better than this one.

There is no better moment. There will never be a better moment to say these words.

With that in mind, eyes locked on Dan's, he finally whispers:

"I love you, Dan."

The last thing he sees before Dan's lips find his is the smile that blooms across Dan's face, sincere, unabashed, _his_.


	19. Somewhat Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! Thank you so much for the comments you've left on the last chapter! I'm so relieved you didn't hate it, you have no idea :D  
> Also, please tell me if you like this chapter. Nothing motivates me to stay up and write like reading your feedback and getting to chat with you all. You're really the most amazing people and I'm so lucky that you continue reading my fic! Thank you <3

_ Four months later _

 

"Dan, get up!"

Phil tends to think that the _my alarm didn't ring_ excuse is a very good one. In fact, he's used it himself on many occasions. However, he doesn't believe that it will work for Dan for the fifth day in a row, and as such, he can't allow him to sleep in _yet again_.

"No," Dan mumbles from underneath the covers.

"Come on, you have an early shift," he reminds the boy.

He sits down on the bed next to a very wrapped up Dan and gently pushes stray bits of hair away from the boy's eyes, looking down at him, not one bit willing to start their day.

He wants to stay there, with Dan. But these days, more than ever, they both have to pay a reasonable amount of attention to their responsibilities.

"It's too cold." With that said, Dan buries his head in the pillow, entirely reluctant to move. When Phil shakes him slightly, he simply groans in reply, mumbling something unintelligible.

"We need to get that space heater," Phil agrees, but doesn't budge. "Come on love, get up."

Hearing the term of endearment, Dan peeks out from underneath his pillow slash blanket fort and shoots Phil a look that is full of accusation on the surface, but try as he may to appear cross, affection shines through it.

"That's not fair," he whines, voice still thick with sleep. "You're so bloody _rude_."

"I can do a lot worse than that, you know," Phil replies easily, grinning from ear to ear.

Dan cocks an eyebrow; maybe in doubt, maybe in anticipation, who even knows.

Phil doesn't ponder it too much. He simply leans in to kiss Dan, locking their lips in a chaste caress that could quickly grow a lot more heated had Phil allowed it to.

"And _that's_ supposed to get me out of bed?" Dan chides.

"Is it working?" Phil asks, in accordance to their little tradition.

"It's totally _not_ working," Dan tells him.

Regardless of that, he _does_ sit up in bed eventually. He then stretches, lets out a heavy sigh and glances at Phil with weary eyes.

"This is bullshit," he says tiredly as he stands up, suddenly almost on eye-level with Phil.

Phil smiles with understanding and pulls the boy in for a quick hug. As he lets go, he offers, "Coffee?"

"Please," Dan replies immediately.

Phil nods and heads out to the kitchen, leaving the boy to rummage through the pile of clothes that they've both been too lazy to sort through over the past few weekends.

He's still battling their half-broken kettle when Dan steps in, wearing a shirt that could use a touch of ironing and a pair of black skinny jeans. His hair is still curly and Phil fully appreciates the rather rare sight as he smiles at Dan.

The boy sits down at their wonky table and hides his face in his hands, rubbing at his eyes for a moment. Phil, seeing how exhausted Dan seems to be, finally sets a cup of steaming hot coffee in front of him, having already drank his own. He always gets up earlier, however difficult it might be, because _someone_ has to be around to get the two of them out of the flat at a reasonable hour. If not for Phil's four alarms, they'd never get anything done in time.

"What time do you get off today?" he asks conversationally, because he most likely remembers, but still wants to help Dan wake up and having a little chat might work.

Dan spreads his fingers just enough to peek through them, palms still pressed to his face. Phil notices the slightest shade of a smirk on what little he can see of his lips.

"I dunno, when are you free?"

Phil's eyes widen for a moment before he snorts inelegantly, turning ever so slightly red.

" _Dan!_ "

"What? You asked," Dan chides, unaffected as he finally begins to sip on his coffee. He's probably burning his tongue, but he doesn't even flinch. Phil marvels at the lengths that Dan is willing to go to maintain a perfect poker face at the right moment.

"I meant what time do you get _off work_!" Phil exclaims as he sits down at the table across from Dan.

The boy winces. "That's _much_ less exciting," he remarks. "Also, no offence, but this coffee tastes like mud."

"You're the one that told me to buy it," Phil reasons, defending himself.

Dan ponders his response for an instant, then shrugs.

"It's probably better than the junk we usually get," he finally concedes.

"See? Stop being an elitist, Dan. Have some compassion for us regular people."

The boy smiles at him and lays his arm on the table, stretching out his hand in Phil's direction. Phil takes it in his without a moment's hesitation and gives it a gentle squeeze. They share a wordless look that could probably last a whole lot longer if they weren't in such a hurry.

"As for your actual question," Dan says, breaking the silence as he finishes up his coffee. "I should be home by like four or something. I can't be arsed to sit there longer on a flipping Friday."

Phil nods, already planning his day ahead. He's got a surprise in the making for Dan, and he'd really like for it to already _be here_ by the time the boy comes back from work. He's going to be on a rather tight schedule, but he should be able to make it.

 

They head out together, making their way down the twenty billion sets of stairs that separate their flat from the outside world, and eventually part their ways at the tube, each going in their own direction.

They don't kiss good bye. There are far too many people around. But the look that they share is enough to keep Phil warm for the rest of the day.

Phil, miraculously enough, manages to find an empty seat and takes it, quickly closing his eyes. He does this sometimes, trying to get some extra sleep in the morning, but today, he's strangely preoccupied with thinking about Dan.

He thinks back to the summer; he vividly recalls the day they've found their current flat at the beginning of September and moved in, ditching the dorms with little to no explanation to their friends, much less Phil's parents. Most of the people that knew they moved together thought they went bonkers, but Phil didn't agree.

It was a good change.

They moved into a flat that is very tiny, but still an upgrade from their shared dorm room. They have their own kitchen and a bathroom and a miniscule bedroom accompanied by a slightly more spacious lounge. Seems like nothing much at all, but it's still slightly out of their price range. As a result, aside from doing a bit more YouTube (Phil is _blown away_ by the fact that he is approaching a million subscribers), they both have jobs. Dan started taking extra shifts at the  hardware store, Phil helps around at Uni, doing some administrative work a couple days a week; he'd do it more, but he's doing a post-grad right now, so he can't. They get by, more or less, even though they both feel rather poor compared to how they were before. Their rent is a bloody killer.

If people ask him if he regrets his seemingly rash choice, he has to fight the urge to smack them upside the head, because _of course he doesn't, he's with Dan_.

Living on their own has left them with so much more space to explore each other, and Phil can now say, without a shade of doubt, that he's never been this happy before.

That is not to say that everything is perfect. It's not. But he has a tendency to overlook the bad and focus on the good, and thanks to this, he's able to maintain a big smile on his face even as he enters Uni grounds and makes his way to class.

He bumps into PJ and greets him with a hug. He's not seen all that much of his friend lately, and that is one of the few things he'd mention as a downside to moving out with Dan.

"How's the little love nest treating you, mate?" PJ asks with a smirk, walking alongside Phil.

Phil rolls his eyes, and if the skin on his cheeks reddens slightly, PJ doesn't remark on it.

"If you mean the flat I've got with Dan, it's fine," he replies. "But our heater's broken and it's _freezing_. How can it be this cold in November?"

Peej shrugs even though Phil's question was entirely rhetorical.

"Beats me. I s'pose you two just need to snuggle up underneath a pile of blankets and start a fire in the lounge."

"That would make our landlord _immensely_ happy."

His friend shakes his head at him and offers him a warm smile. "Just don't forget about me and Chris. He's crying nearly every single day since you two moved out."

Phil _knows_ that PJ is joking, but a part of him believes that there is some truth in the satire, and he makes a mental note to invite them both over during the weekend.

 

Once he gets to class, he immediately feels sleepy again. Listening to his ancient professor for an entire hour seems like far too much to deal with on a cold Friday morning. So he sneakily pulls out his phone and checks his texts, hoping Dan had left him a message.

When he sees the little icon that tells him he indeed has a new text, he's certain that it's from Dan. However, once he opens the message, he finds that it's definitely _not_ from his boyfriend.

 

Charles (November 14, 09:41 AM)

Are you ever going to quit ignoring my texts and stop pretending you don't know me? xx Charlie.

Phil lets out a deep breath that he didn't even realize he's been holding and struggles to remain composed. Charlie has had his number throughout their entire acquaintance, but for the longest time he hadn't used it. However, since the summer, he periodically receives texts such as this one, which he promptly ignores.

At first he didn't even want to tell Dan, but he figured it out for himself. It's easy to spot when something is off. Now, while it's certainly unpleasant to Phil, he's perfectly willing to pay it no mind on most days. Dan, however, is furious whenever Charles texts him again.

He switches conversations to the one he's got with Dan and sends him a text instead.

 

_Phil (November 14, 09:43 AM)_

_I miss you xx_

The response comes almost instantly, telling Phil that Dan is likely slacking off at work yet again.

 

**_Dan (November 14, 09:44 AM)_ **

**_did you just leave me an xx at the end of your text?_ **

**_you're disgusting_ **

****

Phil grins widely, entirely not offended, when yet another response comes, stretching his smile almost painfully.

 

**_Dan (November 14, 09:45 AM)_ **

**_also i miss you too_ **

**_xx_ **

****

"Mr. Lester, is there anything I may help you with, since you seem rather taken with your cellphone?"

"N-no, I'm sorry," he sputters, putting it away immediately. Suppose he'd better focus on the task at hand - getting through the day, even though he's cutting it rather short.

 

- 

 

Phil has to - almost literally - spring out from the classroom the moment he's done. The half-jog that follows as he tries to catch the train is probably the most exercise he's had in years. Once he reaches his destination, he's already hard-pressed for time and almost late. It's a good thing that Dan is rarely ever on time either, because Phil really wants to get home first today.

He gets to his destination, he picks up what he's after, then tries to make it back to the flat with a rather stubborn, although equally enthusiastic, companion in tow. When he finally does get home, it's almost five.

The flat is still empty, and for the first time in ages, he is pleased with that fact.

He sets down all the things, gets some water, sits down on their cheap, used sofa and waits a whole of ten minutes before he hears the sound of Dan's footsteps shuffling outside the door.

 

"Phil, I'm - _what the heck?_ " is what he hears before Dan's voice is drawn out by the noise of a very happy dog that has a tendency to bark for no better reason than simply being filled with joy.

Phil finally peeks out of the lounge, and the sight before his eyes nearly makes his heart melt.

Dan is down on his knees, both arms wrapped around his large, fluffy, drooling dog - Colin. This is the dog that Dan brought from home when abruptly moving out and ended up having to leave with Louise's parents. This is also the dog that Phil had gone on a bloody adventure for today, bringing him back to their flat, for good.

Once Colin stops jumping up on him, Dan glances at Phil, eyes ever so slightly glazed over with traces of tears. Phil meets his gaze with a gigantic smile, knowing his idea was a good one.

"Phil, but how? Our landlord basically told us to fuck off when we asked!" Dan exclaims, voice uneven and shaky, as if he's holding back a burst of joyful laughter.

Phil walks the few remaining steps between him and Dan and crouches, leaning in to give him a peck on the cheek.

"I bothered him until he agreed," he tells him. "And I told him we'll cover any possible damage, so you have to try and make sure Colin doesn't eat the sofa. Although the way it is, it might actually be an improvement if he _does_ eat it!"

The pup is now torn between licking Dan's face and chewing on Phil's hand; eventually he ends up sitting down and wagging his tail furiously as Dan embraces Phil, whispering a _thank you_ somewhere into the crook of his neck.

Now, aside from having their own flat, they also have their own dog.

Somehow, Phil is only happier that he's got another thing to share with Dan.

When he thinks about it later that night, it hits him more than ever that perhaps this is his future - that perhaps, _this_ is what he _wants_ to be his future.

Just being with Dan.

 

~~~~~

  

Two weeks later, when Phil gets home from an early class, he finds Dan sitting on his laptop, editing a video they've both filmed a couple days back.

Dan has become more of a frequent presence in his videos, and while he still refuses to make any of his own, he is rather the YouTube sensation through Phil. As far as Phil knows, Dan doesn't much care for recognition, and as such, Phil doesn't try to push him in any direction. However, Dan has taken quite the liking to video editing, and Phil, with far more experience under his belt, has to admit that he's swiftly becoming better at it than Phil ever was.

He flops down on the sofa next to the boy, instantly greeted with an affectionate, although chaste, kiss. Dan then turns his eyes back to the laptop while they both discuss their respective days.

"Work was shit," Dan says with a sigh. "This is like, a hundred times more enjoyable."

Phil wraps his arm around Dan, pulling him close. His boyfriend immediately gives in, melding into the touch, putting the laptop away for the time being.

"I'm not surprised you enjoy it, Dan," he remarks. "You're _extremely_ good at it! PJ has even told me that my videos have gotten better recently, and that's because you've been editing them all this time!"

Dan rolls his eyes. Phil doesn't have to look his way to be certain of it.

He's known him for over a year now. He just _knows_.

"You're biased," the boy dismisses.

"I'm totally not."

Dan hums doubtfully, looking somewhere ahead instead of in Phil's direction.

"But you enjoy it?" Phil inquires after a pause.

"I like being able to help you out," Dan admits, meeting Phil's eyes with a bashful expression.

"You help me out by existing," Phil says, risking sounding corny.

Judging by Dan's reaction, he _does_ sound corny, but despite the boy's best efforts, Phil remains well aware of the fact that Dan truly doesn't mind.

"You're such a sap, Phil."

"You love it!"

"I hate it. You should be ashamed of yourself."

If he didn't know Dan as well as he does, he might actually take him serious. But as it is now, he simply cups the boy's cheek, tilts his head and kisses him slowly, almost lazily, in no hurry to stop. He takes Dan's bottom lip between his teeth and grazes it slightly, sucks on it and then lets go, slipping his tongue past the zip of Dan's mouth. Dan gives in to his ministrations without any hesitation, but also meets him with a passion of his own, and Phil quickly finds himself on the receiving end of one of _Dan Howell's Snogs of a Lifetime_.

At the end of it, he's left breathless, with an equally breathless Dan hovering above him as Phil is laying back in the sofa, the armrest painfully stabbing him in the neck.

Dan's eyes are dark and he imagines that his own are much the same. Phil waits, letting Dan take matters further if he wishes to, as he is in the more advantageous position to do so right now.

Dan, however, is full of surprises. He doesn't begin to impatiently tug on Phil's shirt, he doesn't grind their hips and he doesn't drag Phil to the bedroom. Instead, he looks him in the eyes and says something that Phil honestly didn't expect to hear.

"I've been thinking about going back to Uni," Dan whispers. "I thought I could try studying this. You know, I mean editing and things. It's really fun and it doesn't make me want to poke my eyes out, so that seems like a good trade-off," he adds, voice lighter than it should be.

A rather bittersweet sensation overtakes Phil upon hearing this. On the one hand, he's absolutely ecstatic. He tried his best not to influence Dan's choices in regards to his future, so he didn't bring up things like this too much, but deep down he'd been hoping that Dan would reconsider and try to find something that he loves.

On the other hand, he is acutely aware of the fact that this isn't the first time that he hasn't been part of Dan's whole _what to do_ process. None of this was discussed with him beforehand. Meanwhile, he goes out of his way to discuss what type of milk they'd better buy, let alone major things like this.

He writes it off as a difference in their personalities and makes sure to only express his happiness at Dan's decision. It's still months and months until Dan could start, but until then, Phil promises to help him prepare to the best of his abilities.

"I'm so glad, Dan," he whispers after yet another kiss. "I really wanted you to be happy."

Dan has taken to lying on his side, half next to Phil, half on top of him. Phil has his arm wrapped around the boy, pulling him close as Dan rests his head on his chest.

"I don't think I even knew what it means to be happy before I met you, honestly," Dan mumbles.

Phil's heartbeat quickens upon hearing this, but soon it settles into a calmer, content rhythm.

"Me neither, not like this," he agrees. "I mean, things were never all that bad, but now it's like everything is a thousand times better."

Glancing down, he finds Dan smiling into his chest as he rubs little circles across Phil's stomach. He pulls him a little bit closer, enjoying the warmth that comes from not only physical contact but also from knowing that the person you care for the most cares for you too.

"Who'd have thought you'd actually be happy with a loser like me," Dan remarks more to himself than to Phil.

"You're not a loser!" Phil immediately protests. "And of course I'm happy."

Silence fills the room for another half a minute before Phil can't resist it. He will try. He'll try again.

"I love you, Dan," he breathes into Dan's hair, kissing the top of his head afterwards.

 

And then, silence lingers. It remains and suffocates him for and makes him feel lost until Dan finally looks up, meeting his nervous gaze with a look that Phil can't even begin to decipher.

Dan's lips lock on to his and swiftly kiss away his thoughts, but in the back of his mind, it lingers, it sticks. That's just the way Phil is, he overthinks things into oblivion.

 

On the other hand, can you still call it _overthinking_ , if nearly five months later Phil has still not heard Dan say _I love you_ back?

The funny thing is, he doesn't doubt that Dan _does_ hold him very dear. Over the last months they've learned a lot about each other, and Phil became aware of the various workings of Dan's brain. He'd be stupid to miss the little gestures - the way Dan never stops staring at him even if they're in company, the way he won't go to sleep unless Phil is right there next to him, the words he whispers into his ear when they lie next to each other, naked and spent, or the words that are never said but only expressed through actions. So no, he doesn't think that Dan doesn't care about him, and he can't help but inwardly applaud himself on that little fact. Not long ago, he'd likely have jumped to that conclusion very swiftly.

But then, if it's not lack of affection, why won't Dan just do him a favor and say it so that Phil can stop freaking out each and every time he tries and fails to get him to say it?

 

They eventually move to bed and Phil's mind is taken off his grim thoughts, because if not through words, Dan is _excellent_ at showing things through actions, and that leaves the both of them with not a single thought left to spare for the night.

As such, Phil settles for grabbing an extra blanket, pulling Dan extra close, wrapping them both up and sharing the warmth until their solid husk of ice of a bedroom stops being so very cold.

"G'night, you spork," Dan mutters into his chest in a sleepy voice.

"G'night love," he shoots back. Dan presses his lips to Phil's collarbone briefly and finally closes his eyes.

 _Perhaps it's fine the way it is,_ Phil thinks. _Everything is fine, just one or two things aren't. I'm being dramatic_. _Dan's been through a lot and it's just_...

 

He falls asleep mid-thought. In the morning, he's right back to thinking that everything is pretty much perfect. Phil doesn't like to dwell on things, not when he doesn't  _need_  to, not when Dan is right there to soothe his foolish fears.

So, he feels rather happy. Or well, he would be, if not the text he finds on his phone.

 

Charles (December 4, 04:21 AM)

I'm drunk

I wish I never did that to you Phil

I fucking miss you

 

He deletes it without a thought, but even then, when he looks Dan in the eyes, guilt swallows him like an angry monster, eating away at the happiness he so stubbornly tries his best to defend.


	20. Let's Face It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for not posting on Sunday, but I've had a really busy week + I'm sick again :( Once again thank you for your feedback, and please let me know what you think of this chapter :)

The last week prior to Christmas break greets them with ice cold rain pelting from the sky. Phil has long given up hope on having a snowy Christmas, but somehow, as they're staying in their flat this year, he can't help but dream of better weather. He just wants things to go well, and nothing makes Christmas better than snow on the streets, just as long as one is able to stay inside and drink copious amounts of hot cocoa under the excuse of it being winter.

Despite the forecast being less than perfect, coming home to find Dan already waiting for him is quite enough to make it all better.

"Geez, ever heard of an umbrella, Philly?" Dan mocks him as he enters the apartment.

Phil grins, remembering the time that Dan came to his rescue. It was somewhere close to the beginning of their acquaintance, when Phil was still unsure as to how good a pair of friends they would make. He remembers the umbrella and the jacket that Dan brought him without any prior announcement. Dan still does little things like that for him, only now, the meaning behind them runs so much deeper.

Before Phil gets to come up with a witty retort, he is immediately jumped by Colin, Dan's overly-enthusiastic Tibetan terrier. The pup tries his best to climb into Phil's arms, all the while furiously attempting to lick Phil's face. This is a ritual that Phil is slowly growing used to, although he'd much prefer to be kissed by Dan instead of the dog.

"I didn't know it was going to rain today! The weather lady said it would be _cold with the occasional drizzle!_ " he explains himself, finally making his way past the dog and joining Dan on the sofa.

When he leans in for a kiss, Dan playfully shoves him away, arms crossed in a defensive gesture.

"Wash your face first, I don't want to make out with _Colin_ ," Dan complains, then adds, "Also, I thought you were smarter than that. _Occasional drizzle_ means _husks of ice falling from the skies_ in weatherman language."

Phil pushes past Dan's defenses with determination and plants a wet, sloppy kiss somewhere on the side of his face, then proceeds to go do as he was told and washes off traces of being licked by the dog, Dan's loud _ewwww_ following him as he enters the bathroom.

"Don't pretend like you don't love it when Colin licks your entire face!" he shouts over the sound of the tap water.

He wipes his hands on a towel and turns around, finding Dan already standing in the bathroom door, leaning against it with a smirk on his face.

"You all clean now?" the boy asks, voice surprisingly low and husky. Phil can't possibly _not_ respond to a question asked in such a voice; Dan knows full well what he is doing, and Phil, as per usual, is left to follow his instincts.

"I don't know really," he responds easily, "Come and check."

Dan closes the distance between them in two strides and approaches Phil, looking him in the eyes intently, as if trying to read him. This takes Phil by surprise - usually he is the one searching for answers, oftentimes finding none.

After a few seconds, Dan takes Phil's face in his hands and kisses him deliberately, keeping his eyes open until the very moment their lips meet. Phil kisses back with affection, wrapping his arms around Dan's neck, content to have the boy lead the way this time.

He's become more open with Phil, and while Phil is still the one in more control of things, he happily lets Dan do as he pleases at times.

They stumble out of the bathroom and towards the bedroom, Phil stubbing his toe against the bedside drawer and yelping out in pain, Dan briefly making fun of him until he too hits that very same drawer seconds later.

"We need to throw that thing out," Dan grumbles, following Phil as he lies down on the bed.

"Be nice, Dan. You're going to hurt its' feelings."

"I don't give a shit." Dan settles into Phil's arms, pressing his head in the crook of Phil's neck.

"So rude," Phil says warmly, kissing the top of Dan's head. "How's your day been?"

"Boring..." Dan mutters in reply, lacing their fingers together. Phil then pulls up their joined hands and kisses Dan's knuckles, one by one, softly. "Actually, it's improving rather fast," Dan adds as an afterthought, bringing a smile on Phil's face.

"I should hope so. I don't want you to find me boring."

"You're safe for now. But if you one day take up knitting and keep watching that same episode of Buffy twenty times over, you might actually get there."

"My mum loves knitting," Phil comments, "She's the one who made me that blue scarf."

Dan groans, looking up to meet Phil's eyes with a playful glint in his own. He then supports himself on one elbow to bring their faces closer.

"I'm sorry Phil, your mum's a lovely person, but I don't necessarily want to _talk about her_ right now."

Phil chuckles, ruffling Dan's hair before kissing him again.

"I thought you liked my mum."

"Not _that_ much."

Somewhere in between their lips meeting, Phil whispers a content, "Fair enough," right into Dan's ear. And after that, they really don't talk all too much at all.

 

~~~~~

 

Within their friend circle, Dan and Phil are the only ones with an actual _flat_ of their own (well, _rented_ flat of their own) - the rest all still live in the dorms, because let's be honest, a flat in London is an unnecessary luxury while you're still a student.

As such, when the time comes for a New Years Eve party, Louise pretty much decides that it is going to be held at their place without any further negotiations on the boys' part. To compensate for the trouble, she offered to come early and help them prepare for the other guests. Dan is not easily consoled, though, and has been rather moody throughout the whole day.

"This whole idea is bloody rubbish," Dan whines, kneeling as he picks up stray socks from underneath their bed. "I don't want to see anybody and I'm sure that the last thing they want is to see _me_."

"Come on Dan, it's just our friends," Phil says, relieving their arm chair of clothes and stuffing them inside the wardrobe. "PJ, Chris, Louise and I think two of Lou's friends? I can't remember. We can't fit too many people in here, anyway."

"Well, I don't want to see Louise's friends." Dan's voice is really grumpy, and Phil should probably take it serious, but he can't possibly; not when Dan is pouting and looks overall rather adorable.

He walks over to Dan, who is now sat on the bed with a miserable expression, and sits down next to him. He then grabs the boy's hand and begins playing with it, remaining silent for a moment.

They should hurry up, Louise will be here soon, and she didn't sign up for a cleaning marathon, just some minor bits of housework and cooking. Phil, however, can't help himself. He's got a question in his mind, has had it for some time now, and despite all of the things that are less than perfect between him and Dan - Charlie's nagging, Dan still not saying the three words Phil hopes to hear, their whole situation being so unstable lately - he thinks it might be the right time for this.

It's a new year, and Phil finds himself longing for a clean slate. No more secrets. No more pretending. Just the two of them with a future to work on.

"Dan," he begins and doesn't follow up with anything, kind of waiting to see Dan's reaction to him bringing up anything at all at a moment like this.

Dan, having finished complaining, looks at Phil with a tame sort of interest.

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking about something," he confesses, eyes glued to their joined hands, somehow afraid to look at Dan.

He already knows what the boy will say, he does. But just like with the stupid _I love you_ , he can't really help trying.

Why is it that before things between the two of them changed, progressed into this, he was able to keep pushing Dan if he knew it was necessary? Why was he so much braver than he is now?

 _Because more is at stake_ , he thinks, _because I can't bear to lose him_.

"How'd you manage that?" Dan chides, but his voice trembles ever so slightly, clearly sensing the seriousness that Phil hoped to keep concealed.

He chuckles nervously, squeezing Dan's hand as he speaks up, "Don't you think it's a good time for us to stop pretending we're not a -- a _thing_?"

Dan falls silent for a moment long enough for Phil to want to change the subject, but eventually, the boy responds with a question of his own.

"Why?"

Phil begins to search his brain for the right answers to this question. He's able to supply a dozen different ones, but these are _for him_ \- it takes a lot more than that to convince Dan about anything, he knows.

"'sides, we've already told people," Dan reminds him before Phil gets to reply. "Louise knows, PJ, your parents."

"Dan, that's _four people_ ," Phil retorts, finally meeting Dan's eyes. "We know a fair bit more than that. D'you want to keep acting like we're just good friends tonight too? I don't like it, you know that."

Dan exhales, the breath falling into a deep sigh at the end of it. His gaze, previously almost mellow if slightly hesitant, grows a tad more stern.

"You said you'd wait until I was okay with it," Dan reminds him.

"And I will," Phil immediately assures him, "But will you _ever_ be okay with it?"

His boyfriend ponders it for a moment and eventually shrugs. "I don't know. I thought things were good as it is."

Phil holds back a sigh. Things _are_ good and he'd be a moron to say otherwise. It's just that he can't stop himself from wanting to breach that final wall. He's stupidly eager to just show off Dan; tell all of his friends, tell _fucking_ Charlie, maybe even tell his viewers. He's not afraid of the backlash. He's more than certain that Dan is worth whatever storm may come.

All he wants is for Dan to be on the same page, too.

"Of course things are good, but think about it! We could stop hiding things. We could tell Charlie and he'd finally leave me alone."

The moment Phil brings up the argument, Dan's annoyance transforms into anger. His brows are furrowed, lips pursed in a tight line, and he pulls away from Phil.

His hand feels empty, and his heart skips two beats in a row.

" _Or_ you could just block him and get it over with?"

"Dan..."

"I don't see why you don't just tell him to fuck off," Dan scoffs. "Ignoring him clearly isn't working."

Phil wishes he had a set of good arguments to defend himself with, but he _doesn't_. Technically, Dan is right. However, Charlie has been sounding more and more desperate in his texts and Phil just doesn't have the heart to do it. Not responding and deleting them seems like the easier way out, even though receiving them often spoils Phil's entire day.

"It just feels wrong," Phil mutters, "I figured he'd drop it eventually, but if I could tell him that you and I are-"

"But he already _knows_ ," Dan argues. "Remember? He's said as much back at the house. Plus he fucking _cheated on you_ and you feel sorry for him?"

"Yeah, and I told him it's _not_ like that. That's my whole point. I want to stop telling people that _it's not like that_."

Dan lets out another long-suffering sigh and looks away, staring blankly at their bedroom walls.

"I don't see why it matters, Phil," Dan says at last. "I'm with you, why do you care so much about what other people say?"

A million different thoughts run through Phil's mind, but when he finally blurts out a response, it surprises even him, let alone Dan.

"You still haven't told me that you love me too, Dan! You just don't say anything and you don't want anyone to know and I can't understand why!"

Dan's eyes widen as he turns back to meet Phil's intent gaze. Phil finds that the brown orbs are filled to the brim with emotion, and it's not only surprise; there is so much more, so much that Phil can't bring himself to understand.

He thought he was alright with Dan never saying it back.

Apparently, he is _not_.

The silence stretches, quickly wearing him thin. Phil tries to contain himself - not to shiver, not to immediately take back what he's just said.

He wants to know where they stand, once and for all.

Before Dan even begins to form a response, there's a rustling at the door and then their flat is filled with Louise's happy voice.

"Boooys! I'm here! Oh hello you beautiful thing, why are you sitting in the hall alone? Come, let me give you a big kiss!"

And then Colin's barking, and it's only a few seconds later that Louise enters the bedroom, finding them both sitting next to one another, but no longer looking anywhere but at their own hands.

"Are you both alright?" Louise asks quietly, joy all but gone from her features in an instant.

It's a strain, but Phil knows better than to drag anybody else into this. As such, he forces a grin on his face and stands up, gives Louise a hug, tells Colin to settle down, asks her what she's got planned for the night. Dan eventually joins in, and while his hug with Louise lasts a bit longer, soon enough she is meeting their smiles with a sincere one of her own.

Their act works, if only partially. She doesn't ask them any questions, and if she is a tad more bubbly and talkative than usual, neither really mind.

Normally, around Louise, they'd be holding hands and even stealing a peck on the cheek here and there. Now, they keep apart.

When their other guests arrive, Dan is still smiling at everyone but Phil, and Phil's throat remains clenched, making it increasingly difficult to breathe.

This feels much too similar to how things used to be between the pair of them, and Phil hates every last bit of it.

 

-

 

PJ immediately picks up on the fact that something's off. Chris, on the other hand, is oblivious as ever. Louise's boyfriend Matt, whom Phil had forgotten was coming, is very amiable and doesn't say much outside of pleasantries. As for Louise's friends - two girls Phil has never met before, JJ and Lisa - they're both all smiles and giggles. One of them has long, curly red hair and green eyes to match, while the other is sporting a short blonde pixie cut, brown eyes and lips accompanied by a lipstick a few shades too red.

They settle down in various places all over the lounge and all fall into conversation in smaller groups. Phil, unsurprisingly, is pulled aside by Peej.

"Mate, what's wrong? You look paler than usual, and to achieve level of pale, most people have to _die_ ," PJ jokes, but his gaze remains intent and concerned.

Phil smiles and shrugs, observing Dan out of the corner of his eye. His boyfriend is busy with entertaining JJ and Lisa, looking as though he doesn't have a single care in the world.

It's so like Dan to bottle things up and act like everything is fine. Phil briefly wonders if he hasn't adapted this trait from the boy.

"I'm being foolish, 's all," he dismisses eventually, carelessly fiddling with his can of beer.

"Foolish how?" PJ inquires.

"It's too long a story for right now."

"Are you and Dan alright?"

"I thought you were my friend, not a therapist," Phil jokes to avoid responding.

PJ grins and replies, "What can I say, I am a man of many talents."

After a minute spent in companionable silence, Phil figures he might as well admit to one of the things that bug him, if he can't admit to them all.

"Charles has been calling me lately," he mutters and watches as PJ's expression changes from concern to bafflement.

"What? _Charlie_? Why on Earth would he ring you all of a sudden?" his friend exclaims a notch too loudly.

"When Dan and I went back to mine for the summer, he came up and started saying that he just wants to talk to me and what not. Dan basically told him to, er--"

"To fuck off?" PJ helpfully supplies, to which Phil simply nods.

"And he's been texting me and such since then. I'm ignoring it and Dan's upset."

"Hell, _I_ am upset and you and I were never shagging!" PJ smirks; Phil turns ever so slightly red. "We've been over this, Phil. You don't need that guy in your life. He's not good for you."

"It's not like that!" Phil protests heatedly, "I don't want to talk to him, I just -- I suppose I feel bad for him," he explains. PJ's gaze softens, but his friend doesn't let him off easily.

"Then why don't you just block him?"

Phil rolls his eyes. "That's exactly what Dan's asked me like three hours ago," he says with a note of exasperation.

"Look at that, your nineteen year old boyfriend is more mature than you are," Peej teases, then goes to grab Phil's phone. "Give it here, let's get it over with."

"No, Peej, wait--"

As they begin playfighting for Phil's phone, Dan stumbles towards them. After a quick once-over Phil easily deems that Dan has already drank too much, and it's not even midnight, they've not had a toast to greet the new year just yet.

"What's all this fuss?" Dan slurs, wedging himself between the two friends, effectively breaking up their fight.

Dan is warm and his eyes flit all over the place, never once meeting Phil's. Phil clutches his phone tightly, wishing he could instead hold Dan, but he can't.

There are at least three people that don't know they are together, and Dan wants it to stay that way, so what can Phil possibly do?

"Peej is trying to steal my phone," Phil offers in reply, choosing not to say everything.

Past Dan, PJ is staring at him, and Phil only just manages to catch a glimpse of determination on his friend's face as Peej says, "I was going to block Charles. I heard he's been causing you two some trouble and I know he's a prick."

 _Peej!_ Phil mouths, looking at him with utter betrayal. He then glances at Dan - dizziness is all but washed from his features, and he looks angry once again, if slightly less alert.

"See, Phil? I told you that you should do that."

Dan seems to mull it over for a moment before taking Phil by surprise and stealing his phone. He then stands up to keep it out of Phil's reach and adds, "Actually, I've got a far better idea!"

Before Phil registers what Dan is trying to do, Dan has already gone through his contacts and dialed a number. Even then, Phil doesn't quite figure it out, not until the person on the other end of the line picks up and Dan begins to speak.

" _Phil?_ No, it's not bloody Phil! Why would Phil be calling _you_?" Dan shouts into the phone.

Phil rushes to stop him, but PJ holds him down, shaking his head.

"Let him, Phil. It's for your own good. You'd never do that yourself, you _know_ it."

"It's just plain mean! Dan, give it --"

But Dan's already walked off a few steps, and Phil doesn't want to cause a scene in front of Louise, Matt and the two girls. He realizes that he can't stop Dan without making a lot of noise.

He's steaming, but he sits back down, stiff and uncomfortable as he struggles to hear what Dan is saying above the noise of the music.

"Listen here, you colossal moron, I want you to fucking stop calling Phil, d'you get that? I'm well done with your shit, and so is Phil, he's just too fucking nice to say so!"

Right. So Phil may not be the one to cause a scene tonight, it seems. He sighs with resignation, supporting his head in his hands, unwilling to even see the events unfold before his eyes.

"I _don't care_ that you want to talk to him! Don't you think he would've talked to you by now if he even wanted to?"

Wouldn't Dan have said _I love you_ by now if he even wanted to?

Phil doesn't want to be reminded of it, he doesn't want it to be a big deal, and yet it slips back into his mind even in moments like these, when he's really got other, more pressing matters to worry about.

"All I'm saying is I'm going to block your number when I hang up with you, and you'd better take the fucking hint because Phil is right here and he agrees." He doesn't, not fully, but it's too late to fix it. " _Yes_ he fucking does! Now have a good new year and make sure it doesn't include me or Phil!"

On that note, Dan hangs up and fiddles with the settings for a moment, most likely blocking Charlie's number. He then throws the phone in Phil's general direction and storms off to the kitchen, likely on a mission to get himself another drink.

Phil sighs, _again_. Peej was right, Dan was right. This would've gone so much better if he was the one to do it. But he didn't have the guts to risk hurting someone who was once important.

Charles had hurt him a lot, but Phil was not the vengeful type, not even when angry.

Phil shoots PJ an accusing look that his friend responds to with a shrug, although he _does_ look apologetic. Louise makes her way towards the two of them, Matt in tow, and immediately asks what just happened.

"It's a long story," Phil says yet again, "Dan got a little bit upset."

"Oi, guys! It's almost midnight!" Lisa exclaims somewhere close to their only table. The girl then begins pouring drinks and handing them out as they all stand up and gather to greet the new year together.

Except Dan is still not there.

Phil quietly slips away, leaving the group to watch the countdown on the telly, and walks into the kitchen with two minutes left to go.

Dan is leaning against the counter, shot glass in hand, and staring out the window. He makes no motion to indicate that he has, in fact, noticed Phil's arrival.

Not for the first time, Phil - if only mentally - sweeps it all underneath the carpet for the time being. He closes the distance between the two of them, looks at Dan, mentally wills him to look back.

When he doesn't, Phil sets his own glass down and also takes away Dan's. The boy makes no attempt to stop him. He also doesn't stop Phil from embracing him and pulling him up onto the counter.

It's a trained movement by now. Dan spreads his knees, allowing Phil closer, and Phil quickly wraps his arms around the boy's waist.

"Dan," he whispers, much the way he did just a couple hours ago.

"What," Dan shoots back; it's not even a question, just a bitter word thrown into the void, with no meaning and no purpose.

From the lounge, they both hear the sound of the final countdown. _Three, two, one... Happy New Year!_

Phil pulls his boyfriend a little bit closer, to which Dan finally gives in and looks into his eyes, wiping away an angry tear that traitorously slipped past his defenses.

They look at one another, and although the other room remains noisy, out here they're alone and completely silent. The quiet is like a thick veil, enveloping them, suffocating them with the unspoken questions and confessions held back by a thin thread.

Phil knows for a _fact_ that Dan cares. Dan wouldn't bother with Charlie if he didn't care. Dan is a little unpredictable, but he is not malicious, he is not evil for no reason. Phil is just mature enough to know that it's not only Dan's fault. He also finds that he can't stay mad at him, even if he doesn't understand everything.

Despite that, Phil knows that he wants more out of this. He wants to hear it, childish as it may be. He wants to know, and he wants the world to know too.

"Happy New Year," Phil whispers instead of bringing up the subjects he knows they need to discuss.

"You too," Dan responds after a pause.

When their lips meet eventually, the kiss lacks the usual heat. There is affection and uncertainty and the smallest hint of sorrow. There is familiarity and a lot of hope for the future; a future that Phil undoubtedly wishes to share with Dan.

 

Somehow, even though they come back to the lounge with joined hands and small smiles, Phil can't help but think that this is a problem that cannot be swept under the rug.

This is something they're going to have to face.

And Phil will need to be _very_ brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so more notes because I want to say - don't hate me! I promised a happy ending and there will be one! But the boys have a ton of issues to sort through before we're there. DON'T WORRY! I'm not even capable of writing a sad ending haha, so don't fret!


	21. Be Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm delayed again, I know... I apologize. I've had to rewrite a fair bit of this chapter due to not liking how it turned out. Even now I'm not quite convinced... Do let me know what you think! Unless you will hate me too much to talk to me at all, which is a legitimate possibility... :P
> 
> (Thank you so much for your feedback! I love you all so much. You keep me going despite having to go through some stressful times :))

**_Dan (January 4, 12:31 PM)_ **

**_can u buy milk on ur way home?_ **

****

_Phil (January 4, 12:59 PM)_

_Sure. Soy milk? Or Just-Dan milk?_

**_Dan (January 4, 1:05 PM)_ **

**_that sounds so wrong_ **

**_but no i hate your soy milk thing_ **

**_so Dan-milk it is_ **

****

_Phil (January 4, 1:07 PM)_

_I didn't know they had that in stores. Anything you wanna tell me, Danny boy?_

**_Dan (January 4, 1:08 PM)_ **

**_WOW PHIL YOU'RE SO GROSS_ **

**_i just spit the remaining milk all over the keyboard_ **

**_thanks mate_ **

****

_Phil (January 4, 1:09 PM)_

_I was going to say "save some for me" but then I decided not to_

**_Dan (January 4, 1:10 PM)_ **

**_u do realize u just indirectly said it_ **

****

_Phil (January 4, 1:12 PM)_

_Oh_

_well_

_Yeah_

**_Dan (January 4, 1:15 PM)_ **

**_how do you even exist_ **

****

_Phil (January 4, 1:20 PM)_

_I don't know the exact details_

_My mum said it was a cold night and it was dad's birthday_

**_Dan (January 4, 1:20 PM)_ **

**_im so done_ **

**_xx_ **

****

_Phil (January 4, 1:23 PM)_

_:) xxxxx_

-

****

Phil puts his phone away when he feels the heavy stare of his professor, studying his every move. He's _here to learn_ , _does he not want a good future, does he want to end up working in a chip shop_ , the same old story. Truth is, although he can't very well say that to his professor, Phil is fed up with everything today, and that light exchange with Dan is what it currently takes to keep him afloat.

Somehow, talking through text feels easier than talking in person.

They still haven't addressed what Phil had brought up on the last day of the previous year.

 

_"You still haven't told me that you love me too, Dan! You just don't say anything and you don't want anyone to know and I can't understand why!"_

The words echo in his mind, distorted and angry, until all that he can focus on is that night, the things they have both said.

Why is he so desperate to push things forward? He is perfectly happy with Dan. In fact, he never thought he'd find someone he could be so happy with. Being with Dan is like an extension of his own soul, really. Or no, no it isn't. It's like a missing part of himself that he's finally found. It's not an improvement, it's a _necessity_ by now. _And_ an improvement. Of course.

Why is he censoring himself in his own thoughts?

Right now, the ball is definitely in Dan's court. Phil had been hoping - no, almost _expecting_ \- that Dan would bring up the matter whenever they're alone, the next morning the latest.

 

No dice. He hasn't said a word. And in all honesty, Phil is somehow content enough to let it slide for the time being. He's pretending that nothing has ever happened.

He doesn't want to fight or push Dan. Above all, he wants him to be happy, and for that, Phil needs to remain supportive; to push him for no reason would be selfish of Phil, and the last thing he wants is to hurt Dan.

Through the mist that are his thoughts, he hears a hushed whisper.

"Phil! Snap out of it, mate! He's called your name twice by now!"

Phil frowns and thoughtlessly looks back to find Chris, sitting one row behind him, staring at him as if Phil's done something very bad indeed.

He then spots his professor, looking much like Chris, only twenty times worse.

"Mr. Lester, I assume you've decided to join us again?" the man asks, voice laced with sarcasm.

"Yessir, sorry sir," he stutters. He hears a chuckle or two, but his professor remains stern as ever.

He then asks Phil about the very thing he wasn't listening to. By the end of the class, Phil feels like a complete idiot.

Fantastic.

-

 

Phil drags himself home, dozing off on the tube, hoping to just see Dan. His own thoughts are exhausting him, he's grown weary of the angst that he himself causes, instead of simply accepting things as they are.

Tonight, he's going to sit down with Dan, watch some telly, have some dinner, go to bed early and fall asleep holding him. Tonight he's going to take a break from the anticipation, things that were said and never acted on, even from feeling guilty about Dan calling Charlie on New Year's Eve.

 

He steps inside and the apartment is completely dark. Through the thick fog of his musings, he recalls that Dan is working late today.

Somehow, even _that_ makes him feel guilty. Dan absolutely _despises_ his job, hates everything about it, and yet he keeps on working harder than he used to just so that the two of them can live together outside of the dorms.

Isn't that a sign of affection?

 

Colin greets him with all the happiness that a loving dog can provide, licking his face and playfully biting at his jeans. Phil goes to the kitchen and rewards him with a treat, because hey, anyone that is so happy to see you deserves a little thank you in return.

Going back to the lounge, he throws his backpack on the floor and flops down on the sofa, staring into space for a long moment, then presses both his palms to his eyes and rubs at them tiredly until they begin to sting. He really should take out his contacts before doing things like that. And wash his hands. That might help, too.

Everything is quiet aside from the sound of Colin insistently wagging his tail. Phil begins to pet the dog absently, scratching him behind the ear.

He leans back and looks up to the ceiling.

 

He's being an idiot, a moron, a _fool_. You name it, he's it. He's never thought he'd find someone like Dan, dreams and wishes aside. It seemed completely impossible, and mind you that Phil is a bit of a romantic, he likes to believe in happy endings. He's just never thought that his own would ever come.

And yet, he _has_ Dan. They spend the entirety of their time together. They are growing to love each other's hobbies and have shared a whole lot of passions from the very start. When alone, they're always touching, holding hands, kissing. Dan, underneath his sarcastic persona, is a very affectionate and warm person, even if he expresses it through actions rather than words.

Why is that _not enough_?

Phil has been correcting his own thoughts for so long that he can't even tell whether he truly considers it all to be enough or not. One thing he knows for a fact is that he's being really _stupid_ about all of it.

He could really use a distraction, he thinks. His first instinct is to take his phone and write a text to Dan. He begins typing out a message.

 

_Daaaanieeeel I'm home and you're not and I'm bored! How's wo_

In the middle of that sentence, he sets his phone back down, leaving the message unsent.

It's all _about_ Dan. Distracting himself with Dan just won't do. Maybe all he needs is to do something else for a while?

 

Following that thought, he sets out his camera and all other equipment, and decides to just go with it. His viewers like unscripted videos, and he _does_ have something to talk about, he just doesn't have an outline for it.

He sits back down on the sofa, Colin jumps right up and sits next to him. He figures that Dan won't really mind if he introduces the pup to his viewers.

Phil takes a deep breath, puts on his best smile, and begins to film.

"Hey guys! Today, I've got a very special guest!" He points to the pup, capturing his attention. "Say hi, Colin!"

To Phil's surprise, Colin actually barks; it's as if he's trying to say hello. He takes that as a good sign, because anything can be a good sign when you feel you really need one.

"I'm not sure if Dan has told you guys on Twitter, but Colin is his dog! And as we live together, I suppose I'm his step-brother or something. No, wait, that would make Dan my father..." he trails off, cringing at the thought. "But I'm sure I'm Colin's favorite human friend!"

As a way of agreement, Colin jumps off the sofa and leaves the room. Phil is probably going to leave this in for the comedy relief.

 

"Right, so, that was Colin! Anyway, I wanted to talk to you guys about something very mysterious. No, I don't mean any rare albino dolphins, although that'd be cool!" He'll insert a picture of one here. They look really interesting.

"I'd like to talk to you about _feelings_. Sounds deep, right?" He pauses for a moment, looking straight into the camera. "Maybe it should!"

"I think all of us have had times when we felt a certain way, but at the same time, felt stupid for feeling it! It's like having a tiny little gremlin in your head, constantly making fun of your emotions." He pulls a thoughtful face, then adds, "Or is that just me?"

"Lately, I've been in that place myself, and it's not such a good place to be! We're all allowed to feel a certain way. What I try to do is just not let it ruin anybody's day!"

He goes on to elaborate on the topic and ensures his viewers that everything's fine, he's just feeling a little _Phil_ osophical tonight. When he's about done filming and wrapping up the video, he hears the rustle of keys in the door and Dan appears in the hall, immediately spotting him and all the equipment.

"Oh, hey," Dan says, clearly surprised to see Phil making a video without him. He's usually assisted him as of late.

"Hi! Come here," Phil pleads, not bothering to turn off the camera.

Dan shrugs off his coat and does as requested, sitting beside Phil, staring at the camera instead of meeting his eyes.

"It's still recording," he notes eventually.

"I'll just cut you out later," Phil promises, then leans in to kiss Dan.

The boy is slightly taken aback at first, but eventually responds to the caress for a brief while, and Phil immediately finds comfort in the taste of Dan's lips, tightly locked on his.

But then, without any warning, Dan pulls away, staring at the camera again.

"I can't, this is way too creepy," he says as he stands up. "Finish up and then I'll come sit here. Do we have anything to eat?"

Phil, mildly disappointed, responds, "We've got leftover spaghetti."

"I'll heat it up. Have you eaten?"

"No, not since lunch."

"Look at me, being all nice and feeding you," Dan teases, disappearing into the kitchen.

"I'm the one that cooked it in the first place!" he calls after him in a similar tone.

 

He wraps up the video just to get it done, having lost a fair bit of his enthusiasm. He can't help but recall the fact that, when they previously made videos together, he'd have _so_ much footage to cut out. Dan too, for that matter, as he edits a fair bit of his videos now.

All the cuddles and inappropriate banter and kisses and...

The only thought, the only question that keeps echoing in his mind is: _What's so different now?_

-

 

Phil edits the video without Dan's help and posts it the next day.

Dan doesn't smile when he tells him that it's _really insightful_.

 

~~~~~

 

Phil makes true on his promise to himself and tries to relax and take it easy, in turn trying to let go of whatever's wrong between him and Dan. As a result, when the weekend finally rolls around, they meet up at Starbucks once they're both done with work and uni. They've come up with the very agreeable plan of getting some caramel macchiatos and then going home to watch a film _._

It almost feels like a date, except they don't really go on those. When you live with someone, it just becomes doing something nice together just for the sake of being in each other's company, and in Phil's opinion, it's just as nice if not nicer.

Perhaps _this_ is what they've been missing. They're both young, and yet life is becoming a routine. Just maintaining the bloody flat takes up so much money and work that Phil is honestly mildly surprised Dan doesn't hate him yet.

They get their drinks and walk home, hand in hand, the backs of their hands brushing slightly as they walk.

They used to hold hands as they walked prior to admitting to having feelings for each other, and Phil loved every moment of it. For once, Phil doesn't hesitate as he does exactly that - takes Dan's hand in his and squeezes, holds on to it tightly.

 

Dan looks at him with a degree of surprise, but doesn't pull away.

"What if we run into a fan of yours?" he merely asks, although he _does_ have a small grin on his face that makes Phil feel far better about the whole thing.

"They're _your_ fans by now too," Phil says, "You're like in every other video of mine. And you _know_ that _I_ don't care about that."

The emphasis is unintended; it simply slips past the boundaries of his self-control. He's shocked to find traces of venom in his own voice. To soften what seemingly fell out of his mouth, he adds, "Besides, friends hold hands too! We used to, remember?"

Dan chuckles, not bothered by Phil's tiny slip.

"Come on, you spork. Surely you know that I already fancied you then, right?"

Phil's eyes nearly fall out of their sockets at that, because no, he doesn't. He _didn't_.

"No you didn't! It took us _ages_ to get together!" he sputters. "And I completely fancied you first."

"Yeaaah, right."

"Well, when did you start, then?" he asks, quite unable to help himself.

"What, do you want me to tell you an exact date and time?" Dan mocks with a grin.

Phil pretends to think it over for a moment and then replies, "Yes please!"

"You're a loser," Dan teases, but then goes on, "I don't know really. It's not exactly easy to name things like that. I don't think I was aware of it until I ended up right smack in the middle."

And Phil understands that, he does. But he also remembers, quite vividly, the very day he came to the conclusion that he's in love with Dan.

Maybe that moment hasn't come for Dan yet? There's a rather thick line between _fancy_ and _love_ , after all. To Phil, crossing it happened so early on. Dan might be different.

 

He takes a moment to ponder what Dan just said, and later on, deems that to be a rookie mistake. Because thinking, as of late, seems to lead him to only one place, and this time is, unfortunately, not any different.

Without pondering the possible consequences, he eventually blurts out a follow-up question of sorts.

"D'you reckon you could be in the middle of something else now and not even know it? You know I asked you about telling people." Phil asks, not quite sure what he's getting at.

 

Phil himself doesn't know. In his head, PJ's recent joke keeps on echoing, mocking him without meaning to.

 _Your nineteen year old boyfriend is more mature than you are_.

 

Dan shoots him a strange look and remains silent for a full minute, clearly trying to make sense of what Phil is trying to achieve.

"What do you want me to say, Phil? I don't like to put labels on stuff like that. Just want it all to be fine, 's all."

Suddenly, he finds that the subject of their conversation has changed without either of them actively _attempting_ to change it; although, if Phil were to point out a culprit, he knows that he blame would fall entirely on his shoulders.

"You can't avoid _all_ labels," he says quietly, somewhat reluctantly letting go of Dan's hand in order to unlock the door to their apartment.

"Why not?" Dan asks somewhere behind him.

They both fend off a very happy Colin, set down their now empty cups, take off their coats; only then does Phil turn to face Dan and responds.

"Because that's just how it is, Dan. People label things. People need to say and hear things sometimes."

"But _you're_ not _people_ ," Dan argues, "Do you have to keep putting labels on something that works out just fine without them?"

"How am I doing that?" he asks, sincerely. If the tone of his voice goes up a notch, it is completely unintended.

Dan winces. "Come on, Phil. Just 'cause we've been ignoring it doesn't mean you don't full well know what I'm referring to."

"What, me asking you to stop hiding us from the world?"

"Since when does _not telling everyone_ equal _hiding_?"

Dan's eyes, minutes ago soft and content - if slightly guarded - now shimmer with emotion. Phil loves that spark, the unpredictable note of uncertainty that always accompanies their interactions, the road into the unknown. He usually bloody _adores_ it.

Now, all he wants is a swift return to safety, right back to the comfort of holding Dan. He no longer wants to argue or discuss things. Only now, it's somehow too late to put a stop to it.

"It _is_ hiding it, Dan. It's hiding it if we have to go out of our way to keep it secret," he reasons calmly, or at least he hopes so.

Dan, entirely unconvinced, mutters, "You used to be alright with that before. What's the problem now, then?"

Really though, what _is_ the matter?

 

Not for the first time, the little gremlin inside his head tells him that he is being paranoid. That they've both made such good progress. That Dan trusts him. That he's asking for too much.

But in reality, telling himself so doesn't _make it_ so, and he remains painfully aware of that even throughout his own attempts to convince himself otherwise. The problem is the same as it has always been, really.

Every day with Dan, Phil falls deeper still. He's given away his heart rather carelessly, trusting Dan not to break it. But how do you build up trust when so many things are still surrounded by an aura of mystery, or rather, an aura of _let's just not go there_?

Breaking through one wall doesn't often equal winning the war. Phil just wants to keep moving forward, instead of settling for one victory.

 

Phil remains hyperaware of the fact that his voice sounds very small when he speaks.

"I _am_ alright with that," he finally says, "But it can't stay that way forever, can it?"

Dan stares him down for what feels like an eternity. They're standing close, but just this once, it feels like they're miles apart.

"I mean, people already _assume_ ," Phil continues without any further prompt. "It's a matter of time, Dan. What will you do then?"

Dan's expression turns sour at the thought, twisting his features. He begins pacing around the room while Phil observes him in a helpless silence.

"I don't give a fuck about other people's _assumptions_ ," Dan spits, "Doesn't mean anything until you come out and say it, does it?"

"That's _exactly_ my point!" Phil retorts. "I want _this_ to mean something!"

Slowly, Phil starts to feel trapped. He hates arguments and they're well on the way of starting one.

If they haven't already...

"So you mean all this --" Dan pauses, forcefully grabbing Phil's hand in his own. "It doesn't mean anything to you? Not until others get to see it? We're not fucking monkeys in a zoo, Phil."

Even through anger and fear, Dan's touch is enough to make Phil's heart swell with longing, but this time, he is determined not to let go of this.

They've been postponing this conversation for far too long.

"Why shouldn't they see it?" he asks, although he doesn't expect a response to this question. After an instant, he adds, "I love you, Dan. I've got nothing to be ashamed of here."

Not for the first time, Dan's eyes widen in surprise that should be long gone by now. He quickly breaks eye contact and looks down to the ugly rug that covers the floors in their lounge, seemingly searching for answers.

 _Nothing_ makes sense to Phil. Nothing at all.

After long seconds pass with no response from Dan, Phil sighs and then whispers in a broken voice, "See? You can't even say it to _me_." His voice breaks at the end of the sentence, thick with emotion.

He's embarrassed at how _vulnerable_ he feels right now.

"You just don't get it, do you," Dan huffs. When Phil glances towards him, he finds the boy worrying his bottom lip painfully, eyes darting all around the room. "I don't fucking throw that word around! I've loved three people in my life and look what's happened, it's all gone to shit! My parents hate me, my brother's the reason I can't live at home anymore! What good was it to try and love my family, if they never even gave a shit about _me_?"

 

Phil's breath gets caught somewhere in his throat, threatening to choke him any second now. Meanwhile, Dan's eyes are glistening with barely-held-back tears, the brown irises hidden behind a mist. He wants to wipe them away, but somehow, he's not sure if Dan would welcome the gesture right now.

He wants to say that Dan is wrong, that his parents _did_ care. But he can't know that, and honestly, the evidence is not in their favor. So he settles for the next best thing.

"I wouldn't hurt you like that," he whispers, "You can't keep yourself from living because of them."

"Are you sure, Phil? 'cause it sure seems like you bloody well would."

That is one sentence he never expected to hear. Phil takes a step back as if he's been punched in the chest, stumbles, ends up on the sofa. Dan looms above him, expression stormy and emotional.

"What are you talking about?"

"Please," Dan scoffs, "I _know_ you. You're not going to wait forever. And I'm not ready to go around telling your fucking fans about the things we do in our spare time!"

"Is waiting  _forever_ what you want?"

" _Peace_ is what I want."

He doesn't even know what to say to that. His heart is beating out a frantic rhythm. He can't stop himself from looking at Dan, even though his boyfriend's dark, angry stare makes him feel even more like a child lost at sea than the adult man that he is supposed to be.

"I don't want to wait forever, Dan. I don't want to always wonder what you feel. I want you to be happy. I want you to let go."

 

He also doesn't want them to be silent. The more childish part of him wants to erase and rewind, go right back to the moment when he opened their little box of issues.

With Dan, he's always tried to maintain a _be patient, we can do this_ kind of attitude.

Why does it feel like this time around, this attitude will not help him at all?

 

"Honestly, Phil, I thought you'd stick around. I thought you'd wait until I was... Until I could do this _properly_." Dan is not looking him in the eye, but his voice is filled with bitterness as he continues, "Perhaps I was wrong."

Dan's speech feels so final. So final, so done, so--

Phil stands up, in a hurry to grab Dan's hand, but the boy is already turning away from him.

"Dan, no, you don't understand -- I don't want to _push_ you -- I just --" he stutters incoherently, following Dan through the flat as he leaves the lounge and bolts into the bedroom.

"I think we should -" Dan begins, but Phil doesn't let him.

He grabs him by the shoulders and forces the boy to face him. Dan's face is pale, the look in his eyes weary more so than angry, hair mussed from all the time he's ran his fingers through it during the course of the night.

"No we _shouldn't_. You're not doing this to me, Dan! We're _fantastic_ together! All I want is for you to just -- I don't know, to open up, to not hold back!"

"No. All you want is for me to be _different_ ," Dan responds in a flat tone, making no attempt to escape Phil's steel grip on his shoulders.

"I'd never want you to change," he says earnestly, knowing that it's true.

"But you want me to do things differently. You're being a bloody hypocrite," Dan argues wearily.

 

They stare each other down for a prolonged moment. Phil's shivering. Phil's on the verge of tears. Phil's nowhere near as brave as he should be.

Phil _can't_ let Dan go anywhere right now. They need to work this through together.

Phil's gone and fucked it all up, hasn't he?

 

"Look," Dan says eventually, "I'm too tired to do this tonight. I'm going to sleep."

"No, Dan, let's work this through," Phil pleads. "I don't want us to go sleep like this..."

"I'm going to crash on the couch, actually, so don't bother."

Phil's eyes grow even wider, because for many months now, they've not been able to sleep when apart. He imagines that this situation will only make it far, far worse.

"Can't you just --"

"No."

Dan slams the door to the lounge in Phil's face, leaving him in the hall alone with no one but the dog for company.

At first, he wants to burst through the door and keep trying to make it better. But then he thinks about it.

Has he done _anything_ to make it better today? He's only gone and made things so much worse. He doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to be able to tell that he has made Dan feel miserable today.

He has promised himself never to hurt the boy. Why does he always break his own promises?

 

Phil slowly slides down to the floor, back against the door leading to the lounge. He hides his face in his hands.

In his mind, but one sentence seems to come back every time he lets go of it for more than two consecutive seconds.

A simple, painful memory.

_All you want is for me to be different._

 

-

 

He eventually drags himself to bed and dozes off around six in the morning.

The last thought that runs through his mind before falling asleep is a very simple message.

_I'm going to fix this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know I'm horrible. But remember the notes from the last chapter! I promise you that all of you will be smiling when this is resolved :)  
> Please let me know how you feel about this chapter. Some of it is written based on my own experience! Fun times :P


	22. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for your feedback on the last chapter! It means the world to me :) I think you might hate me a little bit more upon reading this one, BUT... I do promise you'll stop hating me at some point! This one is also a bit shorter, but the next one will likely be longer.  
> I honestly never want this fic to end, even if we're getting there. You've all been so lovely and supportive. THANK YOU!!! :) Please let me know if you like this chapter too, it keeps me writing!

 Phil can't sleep.

 _Again_.

He's probably had two, three hours of sleep a night for the past few days, and even that feels like too much. He doesn't want to sleep, he wants to find a way to fix this.

He wants to talk to Dan.

 

The ugly brown sofa that he sleeps on does his back no favors. His entire body aches from just lying down on the uncomfortable piece of furniture.

Is he being dramatic?

He'll try to sleep. Sleep helps, it does. When sleeping, he's not thinking.

 

Twenty minutes pass and eventually, Phil gives up. He's not going to get any more sleep tonight.

He sits up, stretching out his limbs, a pained noise escaping his throat. He then reaches over to the tall lamp that stands by the sofa and illuminates the room with a dim light that still hurts his eyes.

He surveys the room, eyes first resting on the window, finding that it's still dark outside. It must be really early.

Everything is right where he left it upon trying to go to sleep. A couple of dirty mugs on the small wooden coffee table in front of their dingy old sofa, a piece of paper that he didn't want to throw out, a pair of socks by the TV. Next to the television are two big shelves, rather empty still, because he's not from London, he doesn't have all his things here.

Some of the few things that rest on those shelves aren't even his. They're Dan's.

The whole room is tiny and rather cramped. He keeps tripping over things as he walks to the bathroom.

It's still far better than trying to sleep in their bedroom, though.

 

He turns on the tap and splashes some cold water on his face. His eyes sting; he shouldn't have done that. He grabs a towel and dries off, but then, a familiar smell hits him and he opens his eyes immediately.

It's Dan's towel.

Against his own will, he smells it again. He hates it. He loves it.

He sets it down gently and leaves the bathroom, walking by the bedroom door, which is slightly ajar.

He wills himself not to look.

Kitchen, cereal, go back to the lounge, turn on the telly. It's all mechanic, a pattern he's familiar with.

Only Dan is supposed to be here, and right now, he is not.

 

Night-time and early morning television is honestly rubbish. He switches to a re-run of Hell's Kitchen and basically tunes out, mind clouded with thoughts, questions, worries.

He thinks about Dan. Even before this disaster, the boy was pretty much the only thing constantly on his mind. Right now, it only gets worse.

He vividly recalls the morning after their fight, and try as he may to avoid it, it comes back to him whenever he is awake.

 

Phil hasn't slept that much that night, either. He fell asleep at around six, was up by probably ten or so. He hated that they both went to sleep angry or, in his case, sad and confused, so he snuck out of their tiny bedroom and straight into the lounge, where Dan was sleeping.

Or so he thought.

Instead of Dan, he found Colin, wide awake and clearly looking forward to a walk. He also found a note on the coffee table.

Briefly, he was reminded of the first morning in Dan's company, over a year ago. Waking up alone in a small, unfamiliar room, having had a fight with Dan whom he'd only just met, finding a funny note that made him smile.

This time, the note was not funny. Not in the least.

He gingerly picked up the piece of paper, heart pounding in his chest. Somehow, even then he knew that it would be bad news.

He wasn't wrong.

 

_im staying with a friend for a couple of days. i need some time to process things_

_its not louise_

_take care of colin. if i need to then i will come back for him._

_dont look for me phil. i need this._

Dan's handwriting was messy and hard to decipher, but he still made it out on the first read through. Even so, he read that note a hundred times since then, and to this day, he doesn't know what to do with it.

 

It's been a week.

 

He has called Dan countless times and sent him even more texts. He's gone to his work only to find that Dan has taken some time off. Despite Dan's request, he spoke to Louise. She was apologetic and worried and compassionate but, despite all that, not the least bit helpful.

 _Phil darling, I know where he's gone off to, but I can't tell you_ , she said to him. _I think he wants some time to himself_.

 _Does he want to leave me?_ he choked out, unashamed of his tears.

 _I don't think he could even if he wanted to_.

And yet, Dan is gone. And Phil hasn't slept in the bedroom ever since, because it's too filled with memories for him to be able to handle it right now.

 

Phil has, of course, replayed that night in his head so many times over. He knows mistakes were made, but at the same time, what could he have done better?

Is he to be ashamed of what he feels? Of wanting to know that Dan loves him too?

There are so many things Phil still needs to come to terms with. For example, that Dan needs time first and foremost, and that was the exact thing that Phil refused to give him enough of.

Phil wants to support him through it, that's what he aimed to do. So why did he do the exact opposite by unintentionally pushing him away?

He doesn't even know where they stand, as of right now. Are they together? Are they not? Maybe he'd know, if Dan would ever _answer the fucking phone._

Where is Dan?

 

His thoughts are a jumbled mess. He's glad that he has Colin in the apartment, because at least he is not completely alone. At the same time, the pup reminds him of Dan, and that only makes things worse in a way. Still, when Colin jumps on the sofa and lies down next to Phil, he automatically reaches to pet him in the way he has already learned Colin likes best.

Even Colin misses Dan. He is not quite himself, uneasy and whining at the door every evening. In a way, Phil is angry at Dan for doing this to a pet he clearly loves so much.

He'd be angry at Dan for doing this to _him_ too, but he can't be sure if he does love him all that much, after all.

Phil blames himself for not even trying to reason with Dan. For getting carried away. For pushing him instead of trying to discuss this. For letting him go to sleep angry.

For hurting him, as he knows he did.

The worst part is, there is no solution to this heavy, desolate feeling that has taken control of Phil for the past week. The only solution is to speak to Dan and try to mend things, but he can't do that, not until Dan is ready. Not until he responds.

 

Phil doesn't even notice when the first tear begins to trail down his cheek. It hardly matters, as soon more tears follow, and he's even more of a mess than before.

He's not giving up. He'll find Dan. He'll make it better.

 

He'll wait however long he needs to, until everything is okay again.

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

Going to class has never felt more useless than it does right now. Phil has been tuning out for the past couple of weeks after all; not having Dan around only makes it that much worse. As a result, he barely registers everything that goes on around him.

After class, he plans to go visit Louise again. If she will refuse to tell him anything, so be it, but at least he will have someone nice to talk to. He'll ask her how Dan is and if he's said anything about him. Surely she can tell him _that_ much.

Dan doesn't respond to anything he sends him and Phil doesn't quite get it, not the whole thing at least. He is not that bad, is he? Should he feel more guilty? Although he _does_ feel guilty, very much so, but... He can't bring himself to feel that his point of view is entirely invalid. It's not quite as black or white as that. They're both wrong, and they're both right, but what matters to Phil is that they're both right _together_.

He _really_ just wants to see Dan.

 

The day goes by, slower than slow. Nostalgia washes over him when he steps inside the dorms after class, going up to Louise's floor. Maybe he'll also swing by PJ's later.

Anything to not have to sit home on his own, with no one but Dan's dog for company.

There is a faint hope somewhere in his heart that maybe, Dan will be there when he goes to see Louise. He hopes so, but he knows how unlikely it is. If Dan wanted to see him, he'd take the trouble of at least texting him. Clearly, what the boy wrote rings true - he needs some time to figure things out on his own.

Nothing new, Phil thinks. He hasn't often played a part of Dan's decision process.

 

He stops at the door to Louise's room and knocks lightly, hearing a _come on in!_ in reply.

Once he steps inside, he is immediately pulled in by a pair of eager arms. Louise hugs him tightly and he responds in the same manner, although their hug is rather awkward due to the huge height difference. Even so, he is just happy to have someone hold him for a moment.

"Hey Louise," he says, struggling to keep his voice even.

"Hello sweetheart," she replies, urging him to come inside and closing the door.

Phil looks around, instinctively searching the room for Dan, but of course, he isn't there. Louise, of course, notices and stares at him with a sad expression.

"Louise, where is he?" he asks in lieu of _how are you_ , because while he'd love to sit down and chat over tea and crumpets, he can't focus on anything but Dan right now.

"Phil... I told you, I promised not to say anything," she replies, sitting down on the bed and pulling Phil down with her.

"I'm worried about him..."

"You don't have to be. He's safe."

"When was the last time you spoke to him?"

Louise breaks eye contact, looking down at her own hands.

"Louise?"

"Earlier today," she admits after a pause that feels like an eternity to Phil.

And now, he feels as though he's been struck with a blunt object, straight to the head.

 

Why is it okay to speak to Louise and not to him?

Deep down, he knows. If he is the source of the problem, he can't help Dan in that sense. But he and Dan were friends - _are_ friends - prior to becoming something more. If Dan needs to talk to someone, he'll do it without letting his feelings for the boy cloud his better judgment.

Although, in all honesty, could he do that? If even a regular conversation with Dan proved to be straining before the boy disappeared?

Phil releases a long sigh while Louise stares at him with a sympathetic expression on her face. He'd come here to feel better, but so far, he only feels so much worse.

"Why won't he talk to me?" he finally chokes out, voice thick with emotion.

"He doesn't tell me everything, hun," she replies. "I think he just needs a little time to figure things out for himself."

"What is there to figure out?" Phil retorts in exasperation. He's holding himself back from saying too much, because he doesn't know just how much Dan has told Louise.

Lou doesn't say much for a moment, fiddling with a lock of her hair and looking at Phil intently. Eventually, she speaks up.

"Phil, surely you know Dan hasn't had it easy, don't you? I've known him for a while. He loved his parents so much. He is a completely different person now than he used to be. The whole thing with his father and his brother... It's terrible really," Louise says quietly. "He's seemed so happy around you, but I don't know if he's come to terms with everything. You ought to give him some time."

"It's been a week," Phil whispers. A week without Dan equals eternity, as far as he is concerned.

"He misses you too," she says with a small smile. "I can tell."

"Let me ring him from your phone? _Please_ ," Phil pleads, looking into Louise's eyes with all the persistence he can ever hope to muster.

His friend frowns and shakes her head. "I promised him I wouldn't get involved. I just -- I just can't."

Phil's expression immediately falls, but he understands. He'd likely do the same if he were in Louise's place.

They spend the next twenty minutes trying to talk about other things, but the conversation inevitably steers back to Dan. Phil makes no new discoveries on the matter, other than that he will likely go insane if he has to go another day without speaking to his boyfriend.

When he leaves Louise's, he's too tired to head up to PJ's. He feels like he is beginning to understand Dan in ways that he hasn't before. He thinks back to the days when he still didn't know everything about his own sexuality; he recalls the confusion and unhappiness and fear of being rejected, it wasn't easy. And Dan has had it even worse.

Starting to piece things together, he doesn't feel better about it all, he only feels worse. He shouldn't have pushed Dan. He should've given him the time that he needed to deal with things at his own pace.

 

The problem is, Phil finds, quite simple.

He should've been _different_. Dan thought that was what Phil expected of him, but no. He is the one who was unworthy.

And now, as he enters their empty apartment, he can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he really _does_ deserve this.

 

-

 

Missing Dan reaches its peak that night. He can't stay on the bloody sofa. He needs to go to the bedroom.

However painful that may be, he wants to be there, surrounded by their things, enveloped in Dan's scent still lingering on the sheets. For a moment, he wishes to forget that Dan is somewhere else, not here with him.

 

He pads to their bedroom across their carpeted hallway and peeks inside, not turning on the light even once he enters the room. In the looming darkness, he can just about make out the king size bed, the plethora of pillows, their shared wardrobe somewhere in the corner, two bedside tables, fairy lights on the headboard. He's turned those off a couple days back. Now, he walks over and turns them back on, illuminating the room, filling it with a dim glow.

Seeing their bed so empty nearly makes him cry again. He's never cried this much before, certainly not after his break up with Charlie. Prior to that, his life was relatively free of drama, aside from being outed at school. Even then, he didn't cry.

He just went to his quiet spot and tried to hideaway from the world, hoping that everyone might one day forget that he ever existed.

That memory is a painful one, too. His secret spot all the way back home is also where he and Dan shared their first kiss.

Fuck.

 

Phil flops down on the bed, face first, and burrows himself in the pillows and blankets, letting Dan's scent wash over him, reminding him of all the nights they've spent together in this very room; of the passion and affection and longing that he knew was there on both sides, not just on his own.

Tears well up in his eyes again and he does nothing to stop them.

In the quiet of the night, all of this feels so... so _final_. But Phil is not going to accept that. There's no way that he ever could.

 

He gets up and goes to grab his laptop. He'll put his emotions to good use. If Dan doesn't answer the phone, he might at least read an email.

 

Phil doesn't hesitate as he opens up his email and begins to write; he allows all of his feelings to pour out on the keyboard, and he doesn't even go back to fix the typos. He wants to send this as soon as he can.

It's twenty minutes to midnight.

 

_Hey Dan,_

_It's me, Phil, but i guess you already know that. I'm sitting in the bedroom and you're not here. Colin is laying by the bed. We've already had the evening walk. It's a rainy day._

_Dan, I don't know where you are. I think I'm beginning to understand why you're not here. But I don't know if you undersrtand how much I wish you were with me right now._

_Truth is, I love you, and when I say that, I really mean it. I don't care about the past. All I care about is that it is affecting your future. Dan, you don't deserve to be unhappy. You nkeed to be at peace with yourself. Am I making it worse for you? I don't want to. Fucking hell, i really don't._

_I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's that... I miss you. And I wish you'd talk to me. I'd do anything by now really. I'd even let you call me Philip._

_If you would only call me anything at all._

_Please call me. im going mad here. I need you. Pplease._

_Love,_

_Phil_

 

He presses _send_ without reading through it and shuts his laptop; swears not to check it until the morning.

Ten minutes later, he checks his mail. It's empty.

 

~~~~~

 

Day ten. Class is rubbish. Everything is rubbish. And he, he is -- he is complete _garbage_.

He's glued to his phone and his email. Nothing happens. The only thing that happens are very frequent texts from PJ, less frequent from Chris, and a couple calls from Louise. He has decent friends. And a runaway boyfriend.

It's Friday. Phil couldn't care less. Normally, he'd be running back to their flat, wanting to spend the evening with Dan. Right now, the last thing he wants is to go home. As such, he decides to once again visit the dorms, hoping he'll hang out with Peej and forget about Dan for at least twenty consecutive seconds.

It's a futile hope, but he'll take it. Any hope is better than none.

 

Dan is prone to disappearing. He disappeared a lot at the beginning of their friendship. Somehow, that doesn't make Phil feel any better. He'd been hoping that they would have at least talked to each other by now. There's so much he wishes to say...

 

When Phil reaches the dorms, he immediately hears a commotion of sorts down at the reception. Somewhat curious, he steps inside and surveys the situation, finding a rather slender, decidedly younger boy yelling at Eleanor the receptionist.

"You don't get it! I just want to know where he's moved to!"

The kid's voice breaks, creating a rather pitiful attempt at sounding intimidating. Phil eyes him with a tired kind of curiosity, content to have anything else than Dan on his mind, if only for a brief moment.

"Young man, you need to calm down or I am going to have to call the police and then they are going to call your parents! I told you, I cannot give away any personal information that involves our students!"

As Phil walks closer on his way to the lifts, he notices the boy's profile, and he has to do a double take. He stops, outright staring at him now, frowning as he tries to discern more of his features while not looking directly at him.

Fortunately, the rebellious kid makes it easier on Phil by turning right around, facing him.

Phil freezes, immediately glued to the spot.

 

This young boy, whoever he is, is the spitting image of Dan. The same brown hair, similar features, slightly smaller eyes, although that could perhaps be attributed to the angry expression on his face. He looks about fourteen at the most. Phil has never met him before, and yet, this feels strangely like a déjà vu.

Before Phil has the chance to process this strange new finding, he is borderline assaulted by the kid, charging his way with a determined, yet desperate, look in his eyes.

"Hey! You live here, don't you?" the boy asks, walking over to him.

Phil takes a moment to reply, still shocked at the resemblance. "I used to," he answers at last, rather carefully.

"D'you know where Dan Howell has moved to, then? This old hag refuses to tell me," he spits.

Phil's heart, not for the first time, crawls its way up to his throat, effectively blocking it.

This can't possibly be a coincidence. Surely this boy is...

"Come on now, don't be rude," he chastises on reflex, then asks, "What's your name?"

The boy scoffs, but doesn't argue.

 

Once he does reply to the question, Phil is no longer the least bit surprised.

"I'm Jake. Jake Howell." Jake pauses, staring Phil down, as if he is the one to blame for this whole situation. "And I'm looking for my brother."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are confused, I have **gone back and changed the name of Dan's brother** because I want to respect Dan's wishes to keep his family private. I hope you can adjust to this change. The character of his brother is entirely made up and I have no knowledge of his real personality traits.


	23. Burning Bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks SO much for your response to the last chapter! You're all amazing, really. I know I'm like a broken record by now but I mean it. You're the highlights of my week!  
>  **Now, please read the following, as it's important**!
> 
>  **I have gone back and changed the name of Dan's brother throughout the entire story**.  
>  Why? Because the character is an OC (original character) and I have zero knowledge of Dan's actual brother, and I would hate to make Dan uncomfortable by involving his family in a fic.  
> Please understand my choice and refer to Dan's little brother as Jake from now on, and treat him as the OC that he is. :)
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter! We're coming to an end soon. I'm estimating two more before we're done... Again, please tell me if you like this chapter!!! :)

Phil wonders how the _hell_ his day had even turned out like this.

He went to the dorms to meet Peej. He wanted to relax. To forget, if only for a moment.

To not text Dan for all of _one hour_ if possible.

He just didn't want to think about Dan right at that time and he hoped that, with PJ's subtlety about things, he'd be able to take it easy and take his mind off the whole _possible_ -relationship-fiasco.

Instead, his whole day has been altered due to one simple thing - running into a person that, if anything, only made him think of Dan all the more.

 _Jake_.

 

He chooses to be sensible about it and not cause even more of a scene in front of Eleanor, who is eyeing the both of them warily, clearly displeased. He's going to have to act quickly.

He doesn't know Jake's exact age, but he is certainly younger than Dan, and as such, Phil has to play the well-adjusted adult. After Jake storms off to bother the receptionist some more, Phil grabs him by the arm and drags him out despite his protests, before Eleanor _does_ end up calling the police.

Truth is, she just doesn't know a thing about Dan's whereabouts. The worst part of it is, neither does Phil.

 

He doesn't know much of Dan's family either, but he _does_ know that such a stunt would not go down well in most families, especially if the person in question is _very_ much underage. He's really just doing the boy a favor.

Once outside, he places both his hands on the boy's shoulders and looks at him carefully. They're surrounded by a whole lot of people; students heading to class, random passersby, not to mention all the cars on the road, creating a cacophony of loud, unpleasant sounds. Despite the distraction, Phil focuses on Jake's face.

The resemblance is undeniable and it pulls at all the wrong strings, but he can't lose his composure right now.

"What did you go and do that for? She's got to tell me where Dan is!" Jake shouts over the sound of an angry driver yelling at someone.

"You need to calm down," Phil reasons, "Let's go someplace else and talk."

At this, Jake frowns and immediately wiggles out of Phil's hold.

"What are you on about? I don't fucking know you, I'm not going anywhere!"

The swear word sounds so odd when spoken by someone still so young, but Phil supposes that's the way it is these days. He remembers he never used such words when he was around Jake's age, and the one time he tried, his Mum grounded him for two weeks.

Crude language aside, Jake's message is loud and clear and speaks well of his upbringing, Phil realizes, as he recalls that the boy doesn't even know him. Phil has heard so much about Jake, but it's impossible for Jake to know that he exists.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes right away, "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm -- I guess I -- I _know_ your brother," he admits reluctantly.

Jake's expression instantly changes, from fear into happiness. He looks even younger now, with his still childlike features less twisted by annoyance.

"You know Dan? D'you know where he is?" Jake pipes up hopefully.

Phil's heart can hardly take this anymore.

No, he bloody _doesn't_ , and this kid can't even know how much he _should_ know, how unusual it is that he doesn't. He's the last person to ever give Dan away, though. Jake can't know anything about them being more than random mates from uni.

Through the thick veil of pain that seems to have taken permanent residence in his soul, curiosity is also starting to get the best of him.

What does Jake _want_? Why is he looking for Dan? Has something happened?

Phil looks away, correcting his fringe in a nervous gesture. Would Dan want him to ask? Would Dan hate him for wanting to know?

"Tell me, why are you looking for Dan?" he asks instead of replying to Jake's question.

Jake shoots him a doubtful look, clearly weighing the options in his mind. Right off the bat Phil takes note of how expressive Jake is; much unlike Dan, who unless you know him better, rarely shows emotion at all.

"I told you," he says slowly, as if Phil is hard of hearing. "He's my _brother_."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Well, you didn't answer mine either! Are you going to tell me or not?" Jake demands, losing his patience.

Phil points to the Starbucks that's around the corner. Surely that option is safe enough for it not to seem weird.

"Are you hungry, Jake?"

And somehow, saying the name out loud makes him feel strangely wistful. He looks at the boy, shooting him a friendly smile, and although everything he's heard tells him that he should be mad at Jake, he also very well knows that he can't. The boy is still just a kid.

Talking to him might help Phil settle the matter.

At first, it looks as though Jake will say no, but he eventually just shrugs. Phil makes a gesture indicating that he should lead the way, and then follows right behind him.

He doesn't even know what he's trying to do.

He only hopes that his makeshift plan will not backfire.

 

-

 

Friday night equals overwhelming crowds _everywhere_ , and Starbucks is the last place to ever be an exception. As such, Phil spends the next twenty minutes in line, casting nervous glances at the booth in the corner where Jake is sitting, elbows on the table, eyes on his phone. He never looks in Phil's direction.

After he's been accidentally elbowed in the ribs twice, nearly had scalding coffee spilled down his shirt and almost made a lady trip and drop her tray, he purchases a tuna sandwich for Jake and a cappuccino for himself.

He'd normally get the caramel macchiato, but right now, the thought alone is too much to handle. That drink is _their_ favorite. He won't have it without Dan.

 

As he sits down across from the boy, he feels more anxious than he realistically should be.

At the same time, this is the closest that he's been to anything or anyone even remotely related to Dan for the past days, if you don't count their flat which is nothing short of a chest filled with fresh memories. It's no wonder that he is nervous.

"So," Phil utters, swallowing down the lump in his throat, as Jake begins to eat. "Tell me what happened. Is everyone okay?"

"Are you Dan's friend?" Jake shoots back, undeterred.

Is he?

Of course he is. His friend, first and foremost.

Is he _more_ than just a friend? As far as Phil is concerned, of course. But even if he could be certain of it being mutual, he still wouldn't reveal it to Jake of all people.

"I... Used to be his roommate," he answers flatly.

Jake perks up at that. "Really? And what's happened? He's moved out?"

Phil figures that he might as well skip the additional explanations of how he and Dan ended up renting out a flat together and get to the point.

"Yeah, he's - he's gone to another place, for now."

At that, Jake's expression visibly falls. Phil can't help but admire the slightly childish, but also endearing, transparency with which the boy shows emotions.

"When's he coming back?"

"Soon, I hope," he says. After a pause, he asks, "Do your parents know you're in London?"

Jake looks down, staring at what remains of his sandwich. "Mum knows."

"And your dad?" he prompts gently.

The boy across from him frowns as he replies, "They're getting divorced. I don't think he cares."

Phil's eyes grow wide as saucers for a moment, but he quickly schools himself.

Does Dan know about this? Is this why Jake came looking for him?

Apparently their mum knows that Jake is in London. Is she okay with it, then?

How would Dan feel, knowing this?

So many questions, but most of them - not quite appropriate to ask, considering he's playing the role of a person who doesn't know Dan all that well.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Phil says earnestly.

"'s alright. I thought they might split up ever since Dan went away."

Phil stares down at his coffee, stirring it pointlessly, pondering what he's just heard.

"Dan never said anything about that," he tries, playing oblivious.

Jake scoffs, "No, probably not."

After a moment of silence, Jake looks up at Phil with an expression far too serious for someone still so young. "Look, do you know where he is? I _really_ want to talk to him."

He decides to break down his facade, because this question has been perched at the tip of his tongue for the past hour, and he really can't help wanting to know.

"Does _he_ want to talk to you?"

Once again, they fall quiet as the realization that Phil knows more than he lets on finally sets in. Jake eyes him carefully.

"I dunno, but I wanna try."

"Why don't you just ring him?"

"He won't pick up," Jake dismisses; Phil silently agrees with him. He knows of that particular truth firsthand. "Look. He's my big brother and I've messed up big time. And he's gone to London and I've not talked to him for a year. So will you help me?"

Phil stares at him, perplexed, for a few seconds. "Help you?"

"You've been avoiding like every question!" Jake snaps. "It's not your business why I want to talk to Dan! You're his roommate, just help me see him!"

"I don't know where he is," Phil admits after a pause, "And knowing Dan, if he wanted to see you, he'd contact you."

Phil hates how right he is, because the same rule applies to his own situation. If Dan _wanted_ to talk, he'd come and talk.

"You don't know where he is?" Jake echoes.

Phil shakes his head.

"Then you call him!" the boy suggests with enthusiasm. "He doesn't pick up when I call."

 

It feels as though Phil is just digging himself a deeper hole by the minute. He was supposed to not give anything away, and now, he's cornered himself into having to say this too.

"He doesn't answer mine, either. Maybe he just needs some time alone."

He wishes to believe his own words, but Jake clearly doesn't.

"That's a load of cr-"

"Don't swear," Phil reminds him, to which Jake responds by rolling his eyes.

"What are you, my mum? Jesus, just give me your phone and I'll ring Dan, please! Mum's picking me up at 10 and I'm supposed to be at my friend's place!"

"So she doesn't know that you're looking for your brother," Phil swiftly concludes in a sudden burst of brilliance.

Jake tugs on his ear awkwardly before finally admitting, "...Well, no, but I know she _wants_ me to! She's just stubborn. My Nan says Mum's the most difficult person in the world."

"That's a nice thing to say," he comments distractedly. This whole conversation - no, the _situation_ \- is only getting more complicated by the minute.

"Come on, help me out, I don't know anybody else that knows Dan," Jake pleads, revealing that he probably doesn't know of Louise, either.

Phil lets out a heavy sigh, unsure of where to go with this. He looks up to meet Jake's insistent stare. The boy looks as though he is carrying a heavy burden, and it's clear as day that he really _does_ want to speak to Dan.

But would he make things any better for Dan, who is already constantly suffering due to what's happened in the past? Would Dan even wish to see him?

To Phil, there's no doubt that he should remain firmly on Dan's side in this, but a stubborn thought in the back of his mind keeps nagging him to rethink his initial stance on the matter, because maybe, this could be good for Dan.

The little Dan has ever said about his brother, Phil could tell that Dan cares about him. However, mistakes were made and Dan was forever made different because of it.

Would mending burned bridges help or only make it worse?

 

"What is it that you want to say to him?" he asks at last in a tired tone.

It is now Jake's turn to sigh; he looks completely done with the conversation, but not quite ready to give up on his initial agenda.

"I dunno, that I'm sorry, I guess. It's really messed up."

Phil's gaze softens upon hearing this; the boy is clearly apologetic, and while that doesn't make it all _better_ , it makes it a little less _terrible_.

He stares absently ahead as he weighs it all in his mind.

He's not been able to get in touch with Dan, and their whole relationship is on the rocks, because he asked for more than Dan was able to give.

He can't know whether Dan will want to come back, even though on most days, he doesn't even allow such a thought.

What he does know, however, is that Dan needs to sort out his past in order to ever think of the future. And a huge part of Dan's past is now sitting right there in front of Phil, looking as though Phil is his only solution to a problem that is clearly far bigger than Dan would have thought.

 

The truth is quite simple: _Phil loves Dan_. He loves him more than he ever thought possible. What he failed to do, though, was to be selfless in the way he loves him. He'd let his insecurities get the best of him, and he always wanted Dan to be happy, but was he able to achieve that?

Can he still do anything to achieve that?

 

At the very least, he can try.

 

"I can try to help you," he says quietly, "But you need to promise me that if Dan doesn't want to see you, you'll leave it."

Jake frowns at first, but eventually nods. "I promise."

Phil smiles his first honest smile in over a week. He has no idea how to go about it, but having made the decision to give it a try is enough to make him feel so much lighter.

"Then we'll give it a shot," he states, extending his hand for a handshake to cement the deal. "Oh, and my name is Phil."

 

~~~~~

 

 

That night, Phil goes back home with a plan, and for the first time since Dan left, he feels like he's on the right track. Previously, his days were filled with fruitless attempts at contacting the boy, moping around, trying to find him. Now, although he knows nothing more than before as to Dan's whereabouts, he knows that what he is doing is no longer only for himself.

He wants to do this for Dan. Give him the chance to choose whether he wants to meet Jake or not.

 

He helped the boy get back to his friend's place and they've exchanged numbers. Getting in touch with Dan is not a job for one night, but it's something he will manage to do eventually, if he puts his mind to it.

In the back of his mind, there's a strong hope that Dan will return soon, but right now, he chooses to put their relationship aside and focus on the matter at hand.

 

At first, he tries simply ringing Dan, although he doesn't expect much of a result - he's already tried so many times before, after all. Considering how little hope he has for the phone call, he is not the least bit surprised when the call goes straight to voice mail. Undeterred, he leaves his boyfriend a message.

"Hey Dan, it's -- it's me. I don't know if you even listen to these, um, I left you -- I guess I left you far too many." He chuckles nervously. "But listen, this one is, err, it's important. It's not about me or us or -- it's about _you_. I need to talk to you. It's about -- it's about Jake." He pauses, unsure of what else to add to this nervous mess of a voice mail. "Call me, Dan. It's important."

His heart is pounding by the time he hangs up and throws the phone down on the sofa, scaring Colin in the process.

"Oh, I'm sorry Colin, are you okay?" he asks, scratching the dog behind the ear to make up for the scare. Colin responds by joyfully wagging his tail and leaning into the touch. Phil once again finds comfort in having the dog with him, even though he's a constant reminder of Dan. At least he's not alone in their flat.

 

It's fairly late and he doesn't really expect a response tonight. In truth, he's not sure if he can expect one _at all_. He's left Dan so many voice mails that it wouldn't be odd for the boy to stop listening to them, if he truly does need a couple days to himself.

Phil sighs heavily, temporary pulled back into his dark thoughts.

Most of all, he just misses Dan. He misses cuddling on the sofa while watching cooking shows, comforting Dan after a horror movie and then forcing him to watch another one, falling asleep together, waking up to find Dan can't sleep and pulling him close, kissing him lazily until they're both sleepy again... Or the opposite.

 

Despite his fairly low expectations, he doesn't try and go to sleep when he's tired. For one, he hates sleeping without Dan by his side. Two, he doesn't want to miss a call if it happens. He stays up, distracting himself with editing some video he's filmed a while back and never got around to edit, and while it's going slowly, he gets a fair bit of it done.

By the time he dozes off on the sofa right next to Colin, it's two in the morning. Dan still hasn't called back.

 

-

 

_Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play!_

_Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play!_

_Hey, now, you're-_

Phil's eyes abruptly snap open at the sound of his (rather _terrible_ really) ringtone.

It's not just any ringtone.

It's the one that Dan chose for him, assigned only to his contact.

He scrambles off the sofa, accidentally throwing his laptop on the floor, and searches the cushions for his phone. By the time he finds it, the ringing has already stopped.

He looks at the screen, too scared to even feel hopeful.

 

_One missed call_

_Dan <3_

"Oh my god," he says out loud as he begins to pace. "Fuck! Why did I fall asleep?!"

It's still dark outside, he notes as he checks the time on his phone. Four in the morning.

Without a moment's hesitation, he redials Dan's number with shaking hands. A part of him expects the boy not to pick up yet again, but maybe, just maybe, he--

The waiting tone rings out twice and then abruptly ends, but instead of the call dropping, he hears mild static at the end of the line.

"D-Dan?" he stutters when nothing is said for over ten seconds.

"...Yeah."

Phil's heart stops, quite literally, and then restarts with full force. There's a persistent ringing in his ears that won't quiet down.

Dan. He's _finally_ speaking to Dan.

_Get a grip, Phil!_

"Thank you for calling me. Sorry I didn't pick up," he says, quietly.

His thoughts are a jumbled mess. A hurricane. A tsunami. Call it what you will, either way, he has to fight himself not to say anything along the lines of _I love you, please come back, I'll be better now_.

This is about Dan. Remember.

Dan's voice is quiet and sad as he replies, "'s alright. I woke you up, didn't I?"

"I don't mind," he immediately assures him.

Silence, yet again. Phil wonders if this is so difficult for Dan too. If he's fighting himself as hard as Phil is.

"Did you get my message?"

"What about Jake?" Dan asks, getting straight to the point, slightly throwing Phil off-course.

"Um," he mumbles, "He was here. He was in London and I - I saw him."

"How d'you even know it was him? You've never even seen him in your life," Dan dismisses, anger seeping into his tone.

"I ran into him at the dorms. He was looking for you." He pauses, not for effect but out of nervousness. "I talked to him, Dan. For -- I think it was well over an hour."

Dan remains silent for a prolonged moment, and once he does speak, his voice breaks mid-sentence. "What did he say?"

"A lot, really," Phil replies, "But I - well, the gist of it is that he wants to see you. Needs to, really."

"Is something wrong?" Dan asks, as if on reflex. "No, actually, _fuck_ that. Why would _he_ want to see me? Phil, tell me you're not buying into that bullshit? You do realize he's the sole reason why I've had to move away from home?"

At first, Phil wants to calm him down, to say yes, I know, I'm sorry, give it a chance. But he knows that is not the right way to go.

He'll have to be honest, even if it's risky.

"Is he really, though?"

"I can't believe--"

"Dan, your brother is just a kid... I'm not saying he did nothing wrong, I'm saying hear him out," he says, as calmly as he can manage to.

"Are you seriously -- Phil, why are you against me on this? I mean, I know everything's pretty much gone to shit, but I thought you understood _this_ much?"

"I'm not against you Dan," Phil says earnestly, "I could never be."

Dan doesn't say anything to that, so Phil steps in to fill the silence. "Dan, he's really -- I think he misses you." Phil is just enough of a man not to add a _so do I_ to the end of that sentence. "He's got things to say to you. Just meet him, please. You don't have to - you don't have to talk to _me_ , if you don't  want to," he adds in a pained voice.

" _How_ am I supposed to meet him?" Dan scoffs. "He doesn't live in London."

"I've got it all figured out," he assures, because he does. Before they parted ways, Phil and Jake managed to devise a plan of sorts. "You just need to come to our flat on Sunday. I can - I don't have to be there, I mean, just you and your brother."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Then don't. I made him promise that he'll stop looking for you if you don't want to see him."

"...Did he say what it is that he wants to talk to me about?"

"Kind of. But it's not my place to say. It's - it's _important_."

"Are my parents alright?" Dan asks timidly after a pause.

Phil can't help the small grin that creeps up on his face. He wasn't wrong about Dan. He _completely_ wasn't.

"They're fine, Dan. Don't worry."

He hears Dan exhale at the other end of the line. He gives him some time to mull it over without speaking, and it eventually pays off.

"S'pose I can try and see him, see what the fuck he even wants," Dan mutters. "I'll come up to the flat on Sunday, then."

Phil's heart begins to race at the mere thought of seeing Dan again, but he knows better. He asks him, "D'you want me to be away? Because, I mean, I -- I _can_."

"No. No, stay. If he pisses me off it's best if someone's around."

"Right. Yeah, alright, 'course."

"And I - I want to talk to you," Dan adds as an afterthought, unknowingly causing a whole lot of turmoil within Phil's mind.

"Me too."

"I guess I'll see you then. At noon is alright?"

"Fine, yeah, noon."

"Alright."

"Dan?"

"What?"

"Thank you," Phil says earnestly. Suddenly, he finds that he's holding back tears.

Dan remains silent for an eternity, and when he speaks, his voice is soft, quiet, somewhat shaky.

"I'll see you on Sunday."

Dan hangs up right after that, not letting Phil say good bye.

Now that he's off the phone, he allows the tears that have been welling up in his eyes to finally begin trailing down his cheeks.

He just can't help it.

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

 

Phil has changed clothes about twenty times today. By the time Jake arrives, once again having fooled his mum into thinking that he's going to spend the day with a friend, Phil is a complete disaster, and that includes his hair (messy), his clothes (crumpled blue plaid shirt and black jeans) and his emotional stability (non-existent).

He tries to play it cool in front of the kid, but he fails miserably. Luckily, Jake is nervous enough for his own reasons, and as such, doesn't bother him.

Phil's got it all prepared. He even forced PJ to take care of Colin for the entire day, and seeing as his friend can't very well bring the dog to the dorms, this equals sitting out in the rain for hours on end. He only hopes that Peej won't end up with pneumonia because of this.

The reason why he thought it best for Colin not to be there is, obviously, Dan. Jake would undoubtedly recognize the dog and begin to suspect that Dan still lives with Phil, and being roommates in a dorm is one thing, renting out a flat together is something completely different.

He's also tried to hide most things that could indicate Dan ever having lived here. In all honesty, he should have done this sooner. It'd have done a lot to ease his mind.

 

At ten past noon, he hears the rustling of keys at the front door, putting both himself and Jake on high alert. It also spoils his entire plan of not telling the boy that he and Dan live here together.

Jake shoots him a questioning look, but once again doesn't follow up on it, too focused on staring at the front door as Dan steps through it.

 

Phil can't breathe.

It's Dan. _Finally_. And he's not seen him for just two weeks, but to him, those two weeks were _torture_.

And right now, it doesn't matter if he's coming back. All that matters is the way Dan's eyes instantly find his, staring at him instead of his brother, and the way he can see Dan swallow thickly as he finally looks away and turns towards Jake, expression far less soft than when he looked at Phil.

"Dan!" Jake exclaims, running up to him, unintentionally pushing Phil out of the way.

"Jacob," Dan says coldly in lieu of a _hello_. Giving his brother a once-over, he ends up adding, "You're taller."

"I'm the second tallest in my class," Jake agrees.

"You wanted to talk to me?"

"I do," Jake says quickly, then turns to Phil with a meaningful look in his eyes. "Phil, thanks. Thanks so much."

Phil smiles weakly in reply. "It's fine."

His eyes remain glued to Dan, regardless of whether it's appropriate or not. Only when he takes note of the prolonged, slightly awkward silence in the hall does he realize that his role in this whole scenario is not quite over yet.

"I have to go and meet Peej - that is, my friend," he announces, ignoring Dan's betrayed glance. "You two sit down and talk, alright? You can call me if you need anything."

And they both protest, because this isn't how it was meant to go, but Phil is stubborn.

They don't need a third wheel, they need a proper, honest conversation. As does he and Dan, but that can wait. _That's_ a chat they definitely can't have in front of Dan's little brother.

Despite both the boys' insistent disagreements, he grabs his raincoat and slips out of the flat, straight into the pouring rain.

 

Of course, he wasn't planning on meeting PJ, but it's as good an excuse as any.

 

-

 

He gives it a full three hours before he comes back.

He's cold, he's soaked to the skin, he's positively miserable.

He's scared and he's excited and he's anxious and he can't help the sinking feeling in his stomach when he realizes that, regardless of the outcome of the conversation, he's very likely to be going back to an empty flat.

Dan said he wanted to talk, but Phil's hopes have been let down far too many times for him to count on that to actually happen. He'd best not count on anything; that way, the disappointment is a tad easier to manage.

He makes his way up to their floor, he rummages through his pockets for the keys, he unlocks the door.

The flat is quiet.

Of course. He was right.

Dan must've left with Jake, or without Jake but still, he's not here, is he? And why would he be?

If things went wrong then Dan is likely even more angry at Phil, and he's got every right to be that way, because he kind of forced this to happen, and maybe he --

"Phil?"

The painfully familiar voice once again sends his heartbeat into overdrive. It's coming from the bedroom. Before he can act on it, Dan walks out and appears in front of him in the hall, looking strangely small.

His eyes are red. He's biting down on his bottom lip.

He is _here_.

"You're here," Phil utters in wonder.

"Did say I wanted to talk to you, didn't I?"

Phil lets out a sad little chuckle. "Wasn't letting myself believe it until it happened, really."

Dan looks down to the floor and stuffs his hands in his pockets, slumping slightly. "I deserve that."

"I didn't mean it that way," he rushes to explain, "I just - I don't want to push you into anything, Dan. I'm sorry that I've been bombarding you with calls and texts and --"

"I've read them all," Dan intercepts, "And I've listened to all your voicemails."

Phil allows himself to look up and finds that Dan is once again looking his way. Their eyes meet.

The sensation that Phil experiences reminds him of _falling_.

Do you know that feeling, when you're almost asleep but not quite, and you have a half-dream of sorts? Falling down the stairs, falling off the bed, falling off a cliff? You wake up with a start, your brain tricking you into thinking that you've actually fallen, but you haven't.

It was just a bad dream.

"Dan..." he chokes out, unsure of what to say.

What _can_ he say? _I love you? Come back? I'll wait, as long as you need me to?_

 _Forgive me_?

 

He doesn't know. He _can't_ know. This is so difficult and he just wishes there was a guideline of sorts, a way of dealing with these things, because he's rubbish and he's a moron and he just wants it all to be okay.

Above all, he wants Dan to be happy. _So happy._

Before he makes up his mind, the expression on Dan's face changes into a vulnerable, open, borderline desperate look. And then, Dan takes the three steps that still separate them.

And then, Dan takes Phil's face in his hands and kisses him right on the lips.

 

Phil is stunned, at first. He's expected _everything_ but this. He'd sooner expect to get punched in the face, really. But the feeling of Dan's lips on his, after what feels like so long - after such a long time spent away, anxious and unhappy - it catches up to him eventually.

Not fast enough for him to react properly, though. He doesn't wrap his arms around Dan, he doesn't pull him closer. He merely kisses back, softly, tenderly, lovingly.

Dan is the one to pull away, both far too late and much too soon. Their faces remain mere inches apart. Dan's hands slide down from Phil's cheeks and rest on his shoulders.

Phil is speechless. He didn't know what to say even before, let alone now.

For once, though, it is Dan who speaks up first.

"I want to talk."

 

Phil merely nods, eyes wide, as he allows Dan to lead him into the bedroom, strangely aware that no matter what happens tonight, he will definitely be made different by it.


	24. Second Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! As always, thank you for commenting on the previous chapter!  
> This chapter is the second-to-last, meaning we have **one chapter left to go after this one!** Of course I'm not counting the Dan POV companion piece .  
>  I truly, truly hope you will like this. This chapter means a lot to me. All of the events have been outlined for so long and I just... I don't know, I feel attached to it. :D
> 
> Please, please do leave me a comment and tell me if you liked this chapter, nothing motivates me more. I'll see you next week! :)

 

 

Everything feels oddly surreal as Phil goes to sit on the bed, next to Dan.

The curtains are drawn, leaving the room in near-darkness, aside from the small nightlight that stands on the bedside drawer. Phil finds that the way it illuminates Dan's eyes is a sight he will likely never be able to purge from his mind, regardless of the outcome of their upcoming conversation.

The fact that Dan's gaze never leaves his as he sits down certainly doesn't help.

Dan brings his legs up on the bed, sitting cross-legged, elbows resting on his knees as he observes Phil warily. There is a strange kind of calm prominent in his features, but Phil can't decipher the meaning behind it. Dan is a mystery at the best of times; right now, he's impossible to make sense of.

 

He hasn't seen Dan in two weeks. Some couples go far longer without seeing each other, but when you're going through something negative, it feels like such a long time.

 

He's still dizzy and befuddled from the way Dan has kissed him mere minutes ago. His body and his mind are sending him mixed signals, but both of them are calling for Dan, and it's _distracting_. He needs to focus on the matter at hand, on making everything better again.

Despite the situation being less than perfect, just being with Dan feels so good. For the most part, he finally feels _whole_ again. But he can't shake the fear that plagues him, telling him that this whole thing is far from over yet.

Who knows what will happen by the time they're done talking.

 

Phil sits up straight, far less casual than Dan, keeping his hands in his lap as he's nervously fiddling with his thumbs. He clears his throat.

What should he say?

_How did it go with Jake?_

No, that might make Dan upset, and he doesn't want that, especially not right now.

 _Thank you for staying_?

Somehow, even that doesn't feel all that safe. Phil doesn't want to come off as _too_ apologetic, that might only annoy Dan.

_I miss you?_

What good are those words when he doesn't know if Dan even _wants_ to be missed?

He's never felt awkward around Dan before; even silence always felt natural. Now, it's all different; he's so very on edge, unsure, so scared of messing this up.

As a result of this, he remains silent, staring down at his own hands instead of meeting Dan's insistent gaze.

Before Phil can even begin to figure out what to say, Dan breaks the lingering silence.

"Thank you," the boy says quietly, adding nothing else.

"What for?" Phil asks, honestly surprised.

Dan lets out a sound closely resembling a chuckle, and yet, it sounds far sadder than it should.

"For everything?" He pauses, mulling it over. "No, that sounds... Final. And I don't, um, I don't _want_ it to sound like that."

Hope sprouts somewhere inside Phil's ribcage, like a single persistent flower that managed to make it through the harsh, cold winter. He turns abruptly in order to look at Dan and simply stares for a moment, trying to read him.

"It does sound a little bit final," he concedes.

Dan's expression loses all traces of confidence upon hearing that.

"Do you want it to?"

"No!" he protests immediately, then as an afterthought adds in resignation, "But if you _do_ want it to -"

"No!" Dan interjects hastily, "I mean, no, no I don't."

"Okay," Phil utters, breathing a small sigh of relief. "Dan, I don't even know where this is headed. It's doing my head in. Can we just promise to be clear with each other?"

Dan ponders Phil's request for a few seconds, but eventually nods. "I can try."

Phil finds himself feeling slightly more in control of the conversation now. As a result, his heartbeat lets him live for a moment, slowing down its racing pace to a slightly more regular rate.

He looks at Dan with a worried frown on his face, fighting himself every second. He just wants to hold him and leave it all behind, but that has failed them far too many times before.

"Right, then. Thank you for Jake."

"You're not upset?"

Dan sighs heavily before responding. "Not with you. With him? I guess. He turned my whole life around, but I _completely_ don't regret it, so he's got that going for him."

"What did he say?" Phil tries, losing the battle against his own curiosity.

The boy shifts, sitting with his back propped against the headboard. He looks to the side and bites down on his bottom lip.

"That he is sorry. That he had no idea things would turn so bad." Dan pauses for nearly a minute. "That mum's missing me."

Phil, previously driven mainly by missing Dan, now has to control the urge to hold the boy for entirely unselfish reasons. He just wants to comfort him, to put him more at ease, if he can. The struggle is apparent, visible on Dan's face, visible by the way his hands are curled into fists, clear as day when his voice breaks as he goes on talking.

"Apparently, they're getting divorced. My parents, I mean."

"I'm sorry, Dan," he says sincerely. It's no news to him, but it was news to Dan.

"I'm not," Dan shoots back, "My father can go fuck himself for all I care."

The malice and bitterness in Dan's voice makes Phil shrink ever so slightly, even though it's not directed at him.

Against his own better judgment, he risks it and says, "Dan, I don't think it's good for you to be so... Angry, I suppose. You need to do what makes you happy because you deserve it."

"That's why I'm here." Another moment of silence. "'sides, I can't make up with my entire family in one night. I talked to Jake, I'm good for today."

"Are you on good terms, then?"

Dan snorts. "Geez, Phil. You've got enough optimism for the whole of Britain, don't you?"

Phil purses his lips, masking disappointment. He'd been hoping that Dan would find some solace and peace in meeting his brother again.

"But," Dan continues, "I _did_ agree to go home and see Mum sometime, so that's a step, I guess."

Phil's eyes grow wide with surprise and he smiles; a toothy grin that he rarely ever shows, mostly because he hates the way it looks on pictures. Suddenly, sitting so properly and so far from Dan feels wrong, when every cell in his body is screaming at him to hug him.

If he could be sure that Dan is okay with it, he would certainly give in to those stubborn thoughts.

"I'm glad to hear that," Phil says in lieu of any physical displays of affection.

"I can't hate my brother," Dan concludes quietly. "I can't hate my mum."

Phil nods. He can't relate to Dan's situation, as his family had always been a happy one, but he _can_ relate to the feeling of wanting to purge someone from your mind, pretend they never existed, and yet being entirely incapable of it.

"So yeah. I guess we'll see how it goes."

"I hope I didn't weird him out," Phil says, sticking to what he deems to be safe territory. "I kind of interrogated him the other night."

Dan chuckles. "He _did_ say you're pretty _intense_. I wondered if we're talking about the same person."

"I also -- I tried not to tell him that we -- that we rent this flat _together_ , so I kind of hid your things, but it's all there, so don't worry. Mostly in the cupboards."

Dan tilts his head, staring at Phil intently, clearly trying to make sense of what was just said. Eventually, he says, "Phil, I _told_ him that you're not just a flatmate."

"What?" Phil sputters.

"I figured I might as well," Dan responds with a shrug. "At this point, my family is kind of like, this _unreal_ concept to me. If they want to burn all their bridges, I don't care. Talking to Jake was... Cathartic, in a way."

"Dan..." Phil begins, but doesn't finish. Once again, he finds himself at a loss for words.

They stare each other down, both their thoughts clearly so very loud, but neither able to take the first step and move. Phil's mind is racing.

If Dan truly wanted things to be over between them, he'd never have told Jake, would he? In truth, all of the things said tonight didn't indicate that he wants it all to end. Rather the opposite.

If not for the look in Dan's eyes, the vulnerable gleam that Phil has only ever seen when they were alone, he'd probably not be the one to take the leap of faith. But Phil sees it all quite clearly, and it all begins to make just enough sense for him to reach out and take Dan's hand in his, entwining their fingers.

Dan immediately squeezes right back, as if not wanting to let go, and that gesture alone is more comforting than anything Phil might have wished for.

The pair remains silent for a moment. Phil knows that although one subject seems to be over for the time being, there is still a gigantic elephant in the room; the reason they even fought in the first place. Fixing that will not be easy.

"Speaking of hiding things," Dan prompts eventually, "Where's Colin?"

Phil jumps, letting go of Dan's hand only to cover his own mouth with it.

"Oh my god, _Colin_! I forgot! He's with PJ!"

He leaps off the bed and runs to look for his phone, ignoring Dan's confused looks. 

 

"Lester, you owe me a _crate_ of beer," Peej greets him, answering after the first ring.

"I'm sorry! I _completely_ forgot! Dan's here and I lost track of time!" he rushes to explain.

"Relax, it's fine. I got fed up with sitting in the rain and Chris and I smuggled the dog into our room. Wasn't that hard, it's Sunday."

Phil breathes out a sigh of relief. "I'll come pick him up right now," he offers.

"Hold on. You said Dan is still there?"

Phil nods hastily, then realizes that Peej can't see him. "Yeah."

"Come tomorrow morning." Phil is about to argue, but PJ intercepts him, "I mean it, Phil. You two need to sit down and talk, not babysit this -- this _giant, uncoordinated pile of fur_."

Phil brightens at the awfully accurate description of Dan's dog, then thanks Peej profusely.

"Go on, stop bugging me. Go talk to him," PJ insists. "And Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't think too much. You know you have a tendency to do that, and from what you've told me, so does Dan."

After a pause, Phil says, "Okay. Thanks, Peej."

"Anytime. Good luck, mate."

 

Phil takes a deep breath, already completely exhausted by this rollercoaster of a day, and acutely aware that the biggest bump of all is still ahead of him - no, of _them_. He makes his way back into the bedroom, where Dan waits, and promises himself to try and follow PJ's advice.

From experience, Phil knows full well that it hasn't always been easy to follow.

 

-

 

Phil comes back to the bedroom, explains the whole thing with Colin, sits back down on the bed across from Dan; he does all of this in a nervous daze.

He's got no idea how to start, where to begin, but he knows that he _has_ to. There were so many things that set them apart two weeks ago, and they haven't magically fixed themselves while they were on their own. If anything, everything got so much worse.

But Phil understands better now, or so he hopes. And he is willing to understand even more, if Dan just lets him.

 

"Do you want to keep talking?" he asks, perfectly willing to give up the conversation if Dan is not ready for it.

Dan's eyes remain in his lap as he nods and finally utters nervously, "I'd like that, yeah."

As there is no follow-up, Phil figures that he's going to be the one to start.

He decides that the best way to begin this is to apologize, even if it may set Dan off.

"Dan, I'm sorry. I never meant to push you. I didn't want to hurt you. And I _don't_ want you to be any different."

"Are you sure?" Dan asks, almost in a whisper. "I've been so useless at this, Phil. I kept hiding things and I was... I dunno, inconsistent? I don't think I even knew what I wanted."

"I'm _sure_ ," he instantly affirms.

"Right. Look," Dan goes on, not looking at Phil. "I've been thinking, a lot..."

"About what?"

"You, me, why it got so bad. I was -- I was happier than ever, Phil. I didn't want to think about my family or -- or even why I don't want people to know about _you_. I just wanted to stay sane for a while."

Phil's heart aches for Dan, but it all makes a lot of sense. Dan liked to avoid certain subjects, while Phil always tried to get him to talk about them. They were both fighting, but each had their own opposing team. It's no wonder they had trouble meeting in the middle.

"And I kept making it worse for you," Phil says, voice heavy with sadness. "I kept pushing and stressing you and --"

"No," Dan interjects, finally meeting Phil's eyes. "I mean, yeah, you were. But I've been thinking and -- you couldn't have known, really. _I_ didn't even know. My life was really messed up for the past couple of years. I don't think I knew until today, to be honest."

"Knew what?"

"I thought I was okay with my family just, pretty much hating the shit out of me," Dan stammers, "But I'm not, am I? I kept thinking like, _I don't care if they know who I am, they already know, what does it matter_ , but then I thought, _what if they find out, what if I prove my dad right_?"

Somewhere during that speech, tears begin pooling in Phil's eyes, but he simply nods through them, wanting Dan to go on.

"And I thought, _what if other people think like that_? I can't handle people looking at me like that, Phil, I can't, I just... I just can't do it. But then I couldn't help it, wanting to be with you, it just sort of _happened_ and I never wanted it to end, but I --"

"You didn't want others to judge you for it?" Phil supplies, tone shaky, hands balled up into fists.

"Yeah," Dan whispers, "I wanted to keep you. _And_ keep you secret. I'm sorry, Phil."

"Why didn't you just _tell me_?" he asks earnestly.

"Well, how'd you react to this whole thing?" Dan asks, not expecting an answer. "You probably still think that I don't... care about you," he dodges off, clearly still unable to say the words.

"I think that you need time," Phil says simply, despite the ache in his chest. "And I understand that, now. I just, I suppose I wanted to tell the world, I was worried that you don't really care --"

"I do," Dan intercepts, "I really do. I just needed time to sort it out in my head and realize that, um..." he pauses, looking up to meet Phil's eyes. "That in the end, I just want to be with you, and if you need me to, I dunno, force some things then I - I probably will, because these last two weeks were horrid, really," he admits, somewhat shyly.

"No," Phil protests, "I'm not forcing you to do anything, Dan. If you need time, I'll give you time."

They both fall silent for a while. They're not far from each other, and yet, Phil doesn't want to rush things and hold Dan. Their earlier kiss was a spur of the moment thing; now, he won't be swayed by his emotions.

 

There is one more thing Phil really wants. He'll give Dan time. He'll wait for the _I love you_ \- if it should ever come. He'll wait to tell people.

He just wants Dan to be close, to not leave like that again. Whatever happens, they truly do work best together.

Once he gathers the courage to ask the question, he sounds far calmer. His voice is husky, it's brimming with affection, bits of uncertainty mixed with so much hope.

"Will you come back?"

Dan smiles. His eyes shimmer in the dim light as they remain locked on Phil's.

"If you'll have me?"

Phil lets out a disbelieving bark of laughter. It doesn't matter where their conversation was heading, he still didn't allow himself to hope, not for _that_ much, because the disappointment would be too painful for him to bear.

"What?" Dan asks, on the verge of giggling himself.

"I wasn't sure if you would," Phil admits, wiping away a stray tear.

"You're a complete idiot," Dan states fondly, in a way that assures Phil of the exact opposite sentiment.

"You're not wrong," Phil agrees, smiling from ear to ear.

"I'm always right, I thought you knew that?" Dan teases, then adds, "I'll get my stuff tomorrow, then. I don't wanna go anywhere today."

"Where _were_ you staying, anyway?"

"Louise put me up with some friend of hers, Zoe. I think she's well sick of me by now. I broke four plates and two glasses."

"In two weeks? That has to be a record of some sort," Phil says lightly, but deep down, he hates the thought of Dan having to stay with someone else, when they could've stayed together.

He needs to let it go. Things are better now.

"I was miserable the whole time, so she let me off," Dan replies in the same manner.

Phil knows better than to keep talking about things that only make them both sad.

There are still questions to be asked, but the main problem, in Phil's eyes, is much clearer to him now.

Dan just needs time, the one thing Phil wasn't willing to give in abundance. It's not that Dan doesn't care. He's just only started the journey that Phil had already been on before. Phil should support him, not expect him to go against what feels right at the time.

"Are you still?"

"Am I still what?"

"Miserable?"

Dan's expression alone is enough for an answer, but still, he replies.

"No, you spork. I'm _here_ and you - you don't _hate_ me, so I got more than I thought I would, really."

Phil, far too overwhelmed with the whole situation, only has the energy to utter three more words. And those words are not the ones he's been trying to get Dan to say for so long.

"Come here, then."

And with that, he opens up his arms, looking at Dan with nothing but love in his eyes. The boy smiles; a subdued, yet sincere expression, and crawls towards Phil, ending up right in his embrace.

Phil pulls him close, breathing in his scent that he had missed so much, wraps both his arms around him tightly. Dan does the same, embracing his middle, resting his chin in the crook of Phil's neck.

"Thank you," Dan whispers shakily.

"Thank _you_ ," Phil shoots back, kissing the top of his head.

 

Phil loses track of time as they remain close. Eventually, they lie down and he pulls the covers over their tangled bodies.

For the first time in two weeks, Phil falls asleep feeling serene, Dan by his side and still in his arms.

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

The weeks that follow their reunion are far calmer than Phil might have expected.

He feared awkward moments, uncertainty, small fights. Instead, he feels as though the pressure he's experienced for the past months had finally let go of him, allowing him to breathe freely, and to enjoy the time with Dan.

He came to the realization that maybe, they'll never be your regular couple. They might never tell _everyone_. To some, they may be an unusual pair of flatmates and nothing more.

And that's alright, because he knows now, that at the end of the day, he and Dan do share something that runs deeper than he could even begin to explain to strangers.

It's not that he doesn't want it. It's not that he doesn't care if Dan never reaches the point where he will be comfortable with telling others, because he does.

It's not that he doesn't mind that Dan still hasn't said _I love you_ , because he does.

It's just that, perhaps through their break, and maybe just their honest conversation, Phil realized that not everything has to be said out loud for it to be true. He also knows that some things are more important than his more or less typical ideas of a relationship. He vows to himself that from now on, he will always put Dan's well being first, and his own romantic, foolish notions second.

 

After the first couple of days, Dan came back to working at the hardware store. However, the next time he got fired for showing up late, Phil convinced him to try and do something else for himself. As a result, Dan got a dull office job near their flat, and while it's still terrible, it doesn't make him want to gauge his eyes out. Phil considers that a small blessing.

 

Dan and Jake exchanged the occasional text. It's less than Phil might have wished for, but just by looking at Dan's face as he texted his brother, he knew that it's far more than Dan _hoped_ for.

Despite the fact that he had said _yes_ to meeting up with his mum, Dan had been making a ton of excuses as to why he shouldn't go. On this subject, Phil was relentless, and he didn't give in until Dan had the train sorted and booked. They agreed that Dan would head home for the weekend, and Phil would do the same. Then they would have the spring vacation to themselves.

 

As a result of Phil's incessant nagging, on the first Saturday of spring break, they both part their ways at the train station. This time around, Peej and Chris will stay at their flat to look after Colin, as smuggling the dog into the dorms is hardly ideal.

"Are you nervous?" Phil asks Dan prior to leaving him to go to his own platform and get on the train to Manchester.

"Nervous? No, I'm a fucking ocean of calm, Phil. What do you think?" Dan shoots back, but without malice.

Phil makes a small gesture, opening his arms ever so slightly. "Can I?"

His boyfriend looks around, very conscious of the crowds around them. But he's been making an effort, Phil knows, so he agrees with a small nod of the head.

Phil immediately pulls him in for a hug that is far different from their usual embraces; not quite as close, nowhere near as warm, but it still works to comfort them both.

Deep down, he wishes he could go with Dan, but they both know better. Things need to be done one step at a time, not all at once.

"I'll call you from the train," he says when they part, aching to kiss Dan, but again knowing better than to do what his heart tells him.

"You better, or I might just pass out and die right there, tbh," Dan jokes, spelling out the shortcut.

"If you do, I promise I'll make a video about it. It'll bring a lot of views."

Dan rolls his eyes, elbowing Phil in the ribs, and grabs his bag.

"You're a horrible person, Phil. Why do I put up with you?"

 _You love me_ , Phil wants to say in jest. But he doesn't, not yet. He'll wait.

"Force of habit?" he tries, smiling at Dan.

"Probably."

Dan is then forced to get on the train, so Phil leaves him with another quick embrace, and heads to his own platform.

 

As their respective trains take them each to their own home, Phil can't help but hope that one day, they'll both be on the same train going to the same destination, with nothing left to hide.

 

~~~~~

 

Phil's parents are happy to see him, so is his brother Martyn, although he's far less likely to admit that than Phil's mum is. Phil joins his family in the process of cooking dinner, watches some telly with them, plays a game of Scrabble. He's missed them, so it does feel rather good.

He can't focus on any of it, though. He's just waiting for Dan to check in.

 

The last time they spoke, the boy was on the bus heading home, and he was nervous beyond words. Phil promised not to interrupt him until he had the time to talk, wanting to give him some space to reunite with his mum, but it's proving far harder than he initially thought.

Eventually, after losing yet another round, Phil settles for sitting and watching as his parents play against Martyn; an unfair competition, but he doesn't care too much. Martyn ends up winning, anyway.

He then heads upstairs, determined to stay up until Dan calls. What he doesn't expect, though, is for his older brother to come knocking on his door.

"You okay?" Martyn asks, entering the room without ceremony. "You seem a little out of it."

"I'm alright," Phil assures him, "Just worried about Dan, 's all."

He's told his brother about Dan; it's only fair, his parents know, too. Martyn smiles warmly and gives Phil a very, very, _very_ strong pat on the back.

"I'm glad you found someone to worry about. God knows you've been a selfish knob for the entirety of your life."

Phil frowns, mulling it over in all seriousness, before glancing at his brother and realizing that he's only joking.

"Hey!"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist," Martyn dismisses, mocking Phil's offended expression. He then raises his finger, as though he is about to make an announcement. "Oh, Charlie came by the other day. He's left this for you."

With that, he produces a crumpled piece of paper from the pocket of his jeans and hands it to Phil.

Phil rolls his eyes. He's _so_ tired of the whole thing with Charlie, and he still feels guilty over the way Dan told him to get lost on New Year's Eve, so in all honesty, Charlie is the last person he'd wish to think about.

"I wouldn't have given it to you," Martyn explains, seeing Phil's reaction, "But he promised it's nothing bad, and kept saying so _even_ when I told him I'd break his neck if it _is_ bad, so it must be alright, yeah?"

Annoyed or not, Phil can't help but chuckle at the thought. Martyn is a tall, lanky guy just as Phil is, so if he tries, he _can_ sound threatening. Deep down, though, Martyn is a person with a heart of gold, and Phil knows that much.

"It's alright," he says after a pause, "Just, if he comes by again, tell him to go away or something."

"Yeah, 'course."

Sensing that Phil wants to read the letter, Martyn excuses himself and says good night, leaving him alone.

 

Phil sighs, checks his phone to make sure he hasn't missed a single message, and eventually sits up, straightening the paper. He expects the worst of Charles by now, so the whole thing feels like a chore that also happens to scare him. Regardless of it, he begins reading.

 

_Hey Phil,_

_This is probably the only actual letter I've ever written, but you don't really leave me much of a choice, you blocked me on like every bloody thing there is. I'm not gonna write you an essay though, my wrist already hurts. I'll get to the point._

_I feel like shit. Your boyfriend was a downright prick, but maybe he's right, I dunno. Truth is, I can't stand the thought that you're okay and I'm not. I don't even know what it is I'm missing, but hey, no excuse to try and spoil your relationship._

_And don't tell me you're not dating him. I'm not blind._

_Point is, sorry for bothering you. I don't think we'll speak again. Actually, I kind of hope we don't._

_Your brother once told me that we bring out the worst in each other. I think he might be right._

_Sorry for trying to start things up again. I never properly apologized for the way things ended, and honestly, I won't do it now. It's done and with this, I'm leaving it in the past._

_Good luck, Phil. If I see you around, don't be surprised if I don't come and say hi._

_P.S Adding this before handing it to Martyn - tell your fucking brother to chill._

 

 

A lot of emotions come and go as Phil reads the letter, but nostalgia is not one of them. He and Charles had some good times, undoubtedly, but what Phil remembers now is the bad stuff. The tone of the letter only reminds him of the fights they used to have as a couple.

What it does bring him, though, is relief. _I don't think we'll speak again_. Maybe it's for the best.

Some people find a way back into your life. Some people never do.

He hopes that for Dan, things won't end with a sad letter but rather with a hopeful smile.

 

-

 

When his phone rings right before midnight, Phil nearly falls out of bed, rushing to pick it up.

"Dan? Dan, are you okay?" he shouts into the phone, momentarily forgetting that he might be waking his parents.

"Not now," Dan says on the other end, "You made me go deaf."

The little joke and the apparent smile in Dan's voice help Phil settle ever so slightly.

"How'd it go?" he asks right off the bat.

"It's... I dunno, awkward, I guess. I haven't seen her in like, almost two years." He pauses. "But she doesn't hate me, I think. She said she's sorry she didn't support me." Dan's voice breaks, but he goes on, "And she's happy to see me. _Apparently_."

"Oh Dan," Phil breathes, "I knew it would be alright!"

"No Phil, you didn't."

"I _totally_ did. I'm psychic."

"Are you now? What's in my future then, Mr. Psychic?"

Phil makes a sound that indicates him thinking long and hard, and at last, he announces his verdict. "Having to deal with me for a whole week once we both get home?"

Dan is smiling; Phil knows. He doesn't have to see him to be able to tell, not these days.

"A week? I have to deal with you _every day_ , Phil. I'm used to it."

"A whole week for just the two of us doesn't happen often, though!" Phil reminds him, because it's true. Phil's got uni and work, Dan has his job, they both do YouTube now and again, together. It's rare for the two of them to just take it easy and relax in each other's company.

"S'pose I'll have to deal with you a bit _more_ than usual," Dan agrees.

"It's a date."

 

They stay on the phone until Dan falls asleep.

Phil doesn't hang up for a while longer, just listening to the boy breathe on the other end, already anxious to see him again.

 

~~~~~

 

Once they get back, they _talk_.

They talk for hours on end. Phil gives Dan the opportunity to let it all out, and he takes it more than he usually does. He admits that he still doesn't know how much he wants to stay in touch with his family, but as it is now, things are looking up.

They stay in bed for the majority of the day, ordering pizza once they get hungry, leaving breadcrumbs on the sheets. They don't bother to get dressed. Somehow, Phil knows that spending a little time in a careless bubble of happiness is exactly what they need after the past couple of months.

 

Many hours later, when their kisses grow heated and their conversation becomes sparse, Phil notices a shift in their usual dynamic. He's not the one to initiate things, nor is he the one to decide about the majority of it. Dan seems more open in the way he kisses his way down Phil's body, more eager to take that next step; he seems to find genuine pleasure in everything he does. It is Dan who doesn't stop until Phil can't take it anymore, and then allows Phil to return the favor, happily surrendering the temporary lead.

When they are both exhausted and spent, Phil pulls Dan close, relishing the feeling of Dan's bare skin brushing against his with every tiny movement. They've kicked down the sheets until they barely hang on somewhere around their waists.

It's April, and spring is well on the way.

 

His mind, a bit of a mess at the best of times, doesn't function well after all the things Dan has just done to him. However, he struggles to focus, if only for a moment.

"Dan?" he whispers.

"Mm?" Dan mumbles into his chest, clearly in a similar state to Phil's.

"Are you happy?"

Dan pulls away and Phil hates it, but he does appreciate the chance of looking into the boy's eyes.

Not for the first time, he loses himself in those brown orbs. Now there's one thing he would completely _not_ mind drowning in.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I am."

Dan's smile is both sincere and entirely disarming. Phil returns it in full.

"I'm good, yeah."

"Good."

Phil closes his eyes, absently pulling Dan closer. It's been a long day and it's starting to get to him.

"Phil?" Dan whispers just as he's drifting off.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

 

And Phil _has_ imagined this very moment, many times. Thought of his own reaction, of the setting, of the way he should respond. He thought of how happy he'll feel, hearing those words after all this time spent on not knowing whether his love is requited or not.

But now?

Now, he has to hold back a burst of laughter, because the obvious truth hits him right upside the head.

 

He's known this for so long. He knows that Dan loves him. It's good to hear a verbal confirmation, but it's been clear as day for so long.

Why was he too blind to see it?

 

It doesn't matter, not now. Not anymore.

He kisses Dan; a chaste kiss right on the lips that doesn't last too long. He whispers in his ear, _I love you too_.

They both close their eyes. They're both smiling.

 

As Phil begins to fall asleep, he thinks back to the very first night. He used to think that Dan hated him. Then he thought Dan would never like him. Then, that Dan doesn't love him.

So many misunderstandings, and yet, the thing he remembers the most is the first time Dan made him smile; the short note left on the desk in their shared room, a few scribbles that at the time, meant nothing at all.

 

How quickly _nothing_ became _everything_ , he thinks; the very last conscious thought before he drifts into slumber.

 _How wrong I was to always follow my first impressions_.


	25. Epilogue

_Five years later_

 

"Hello, Internet!"

Dan jumps into view. He's wearing a dark plaid shirt; his hair is in a state of disarray. He looks to the side, clears his throat, turns his eyes back towards the camera.

"You might be a little surprised to see me by myself on _Phil's_ channel, but there's an explanation! I mean, kind of, I s'pose. _Right_ , so, I don't make videos all that often, but I'd hope you know who I am." He shoots a careful look towards the camera. "And just in case you don't, I'm Dan."

 

"You're all probably wondering what this is about? Well, me and Phil had this -- this _thing_ of sorts recently and we said we wouldn't mention it but I realized that I kind of want to. And Phil too, he's just being daft and letting me have it my way." Dan pauses for an instant. "I said there was an explanation, but I'm not really making sense, am I?"

The lopsided grin that he directs at the camera in front of him is both bashful and a little bit smug.

 

"So, first of all, Phil and I are going away! For three weeks!"

He opens his eyes wide in an attempt to indicate shock.

 

"We've done something, um, something worth celebrating and we're going on this, err, trip. To Japan. Looking forward to it, tbh."

He bites down on his bottom lip, fighting a proper smile.

"And before you start tweeting Phil that I hacked his YouTube account, _don't_. He gave me his password as a birthday present like six years ago. I guess it's a bit weird, but it was his idea of pushing me into making videos. Never had the reason to use it until now, really. I think he's forgotten I even have it, so this will be a proper surprise."

 

He clears his throat again, picking at the sleeve of his shirt.

 

"Anyway, some of you may not know this, but I've known Phil for ages now. When we met, we were both at university. I basically hated him to begin with. That was _fun_." Another pause, then he adds with a smirk, "I still hate him to this day, but -- not _that_ much.

"This will sound corny as fuck, but -- shit, Phil's channel, gonna have to bleep that -- but I dunno where I'd be if not for Phil. I mean, he's the one that pretty much forced me to go and get a degree. And subsequently, an actual job that I don't hate. Editing films is pretty snazzy. He's also made me do a bunch of other things along the way." He grins at the camera, a knowing look in his eyes. "And this whole time he's been like _Dan, make your own videos! Dan you're so great! Dan you're the best!_ "

He mimics Phil's voice, going cross-eyed in an attempt to also copy Phil's deer-in-the-headlights look. "So I did, and thanks to him, I've got that too. No, not going to plug my channel this time. Been actively trying to stop abusing Phil for internet fame points. New Year's resolution."

He strokes his chin for a moment in a thoughtful gesture.

"So far this video's just been a tribute to Phil, hasn't it?" He shrugs. "But that's not the point I'm trying to make here. The point," he exclaims and then stops for a moment. "The _point_ is, I was _this_ close to telling Phil to fuck off one time too many back when we first met, and I wouldn't have had any of this then! I was a bit of a moron, really. And if you know me at all, you're probably thinking something along the lines of _you're still a moron Dan_ , and hey, you're not wrong!

"I just feel like a sentimental loser thinking back to it today, because most people, if they were Phil, they'd probably just move out as soon as they had the chance and never talk to me again, but Phil's a stubborn twit and he endured it. And he's helped me so much.

"So that's one point. You guys, you don't know Phil, so I just want you to know he's a bloody cool person! I'd even say he's amazing, but that'd be the _worst_ pun in the history of forever."

He takes a deep breath and sits up straight, eyes glued to the camera.

"The other point is, if there's one thing Phil has taught me, it's this tiny little thing that seems obvious but it's really not," Dan says eventually, "It's to not write people off too soon. I used to be quite judgmental. You'd look at me wrong and I'd hate you for the rest of my life. I'm still judgmental, but now, Phil sorta forces me to think twice.

"I guess that makes me the same ol' loser with a very persuasive uh, _person_ to bug me forever."

 

His eyes flit down towards his own lap, a shy expression sneaking onto his face. About ten seconds pass before he speaks again.

 

"So yeah. What I'm trying to say is, don't be fooled when people aren't exactly what you expect them to be. Give them a try. It might really be worth the trouble. For both you and for them. For us, it really was."

 

Dan looks back up, meeting the camera with a fresh bout of confidence in his eyes. When he smiles, it's sincere, open, serene.

 

"And at the risk of sounding like an enormous sap, I think... I think that this is only the beginning." His smile only grows wider as he raises his arm, about to wave at the audience. "See you in three weeks, Internet."

 

He brings his left hand up to his face and salutes in the way he usually does when making videos. Only now, there's a simple, silver band on his ring finger. Dan doesn't make a point of showing it, but he also doesn't try to hide it, and it is clearly seen for the few seconds that it takes for him to complete his trademark gesture.

 

The screen then cuts to black.

 

-

 

"Dan. Dan?"

The room is dark, aside from the glimmering lights of the Christmas tree they still hadn't bothered to take down, despite it being the beginning of February. Dan is laying on the sofa, clearly having dozed off while waiting for Phil to come home.

It's a nostalgic feeling, finding him like this. Phil vaguely remembers the days when he was the one that was often kept waiting.

Six years later, Dan still keeps him on his toes.

 

The radio show lasted till past eleven today, and then Phil had to say bye to his colleagues. He won't be seeing them for three weeks, after all. He and Dan are going to Japan.

"Daaan," he drawls, gently stroking Dan's arm.

Colin runs up to them too, wagging his tail, assisting Phil in waking Dan. It's all to no avail, though. Perhaps it's for the best. It's rare for Dan to be asleep before midnight.

Phil fetches a blanket from the bedroom and tucks Dan in. He then sits in their new leather arm chair and opens up his laptop. He'll check his e-mail, Twitter, Facebook and go to bed. Or maybe Dan will wake up and they'll go together.

 

He's shocked at the amount of notifications he finds upon opening his personal Facebook.

His AmazingPhil page, sure, that one's always flooded. But his real profile? Barely anything happens there, aside from his friends posting pictures of their children, pictures from their weddings, or the occasional night out. Now, he's got over a hundred notifications.

Kind of overwhelmed, he switches tabs and checks his e-mail, finding a lot of mails from YouTube, things along the lines of _so and so left a comment on your video "Hi Phil"_.

Only he's never made a video like that. His heart starts pounding as he goes on his channel and finds a new video, with Dan's face on the thumbnail.

Plugging in his headphones, he presses _play_ and begins to watch.

 

Four minutes feel like four years as he watches Dan. The last four years, no, even _six_ , Phil is reminded of every moment that he still stores in his memory. At the end of the video, he spots Dan's ring.

Pride swells within his heart as he stares at the screen long after the video ends, feeling both lost and found all at once.

Muffled by the fact that he's still wearing headphones, he hears Dan greet him with a shy, "Hey Phil."

He looks up immediately, tearing his headphones out, carelessly tossing his laptop aside. Dan pulls himself into a sitting position, staring at Phil, nervously biting at his lip.

One glance is enough to tell Dan that _yes, he's seen it_. Dan shoots him a questioning look in reply.

"Come here," Phil utters in lieu of _hello_ , and Dan does, obediently leaving the sofa and coming up to Phil.

Phil stands up. Years have changed them both; Dan is now taller by Phil, if only by a little. As such, when one looks up, the other one has to look down in order to make undisturbed eye contact.

"You finally used my present," Phil whispers, smiling at Dan.

His eyes are beginning to tear up, but he honestly couldn't care less.

"Figured it was about time," Dan replies shyly.

"You don't regret it?"

Dan tilts his head, smiling tenderly. He takes Phil's left hand in his and pulls them both up, breaking their gaze in order to look at their matching rings.

"Not one bit of it. You?"

Phil returns the smile, squeezing Dan's hand tightly. He knows he doesn't need to reply, but he still _wants_ to. Who cares if it's obvious, who cares if they both know. They've spent far too long hiding things in the past.

"Not in the least."

"I'm sorry that you had to wait so long," Dan says after a pause, voice nearing a whisper.

"Dan," Phil replies immediately, bringing his free hand up to Dan's cheek. "I'd have waited _a lot_ longer."

"I know you would. But it felt like the right time."

They exchange a look that speaks volumes. Of their affection, of the past, of the future. They've both had to compromise so many times. They fought and argued and refused to speak to each other on more than one occasion.

But at the end of it all, for the past years, they've still gone to sleep in the same bed every night, and Phil supposes that is what matters in the end. It doesn't matter if they had to be patient. What matters is that they both knew it was worth it.

 _I love you_ , Phil wants to say, knowing he'll hear it back. But does he need to?

Not right now, he thinks. Sometimes, some things are better shown through actions rather than words.

 

"Wanna go to bed?" he asks.

Dan smiles; a wide grin that reveals the dimples in his cheeks that Phil can't help but love.

"Yeah, let's. Japan tomorrow."

 

-

 

"Thank you," he whispers into Dan's ear as they're both drifting off some twenty minutes later.

"For what?" Dan mumbles into the pillow.

"Always being what I never expected."

"You're such a sap."

"You love me."

Through the pause that follows, Phil almost doesn't expect a reply. And yet, true to form, Dan surprises him yet again.

"I do."

 

Phil doesn't say anything else.

He takes Dan's hand in his, admiring the way his ring finger is no longer bare. Admiring the way they won't have to hide it anymore.

It's taken them a long time, but Phil finds that doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter if they were wrong, it doesn't matter if they lost their way so many times.

What matters, is _this_. Dan next to him. Their home, their life. This sense of warmth that never seems to fade.

 

And a whole lot of days still yet to come.

 

~~~

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Just wow.  
> I can't believe this is over. I can't believe the support you guys gave me over the past six months. If not for you, I doubt I would've gotten this far, despite having fallen in love with this story and the characters in it. You were here, supporting me all along the way, making my week with your comments and your overall feedback. To me, you're all my friends, and I'm so happy to have gotten to know you!
> 
> This story is over, but I have posted the Dan POV and it's currently in progress. There is also a one-shot set between chapters 24 and 25. **[Check out the whole FIRST IMPRESSIONS series!](http://archiveofourown.org/series/491581)  
> **  
>  I'll also post any future works on my tumblr - [phanbliss.tumblr.com](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com), so feel free to follow me there. :)
> 
> For now, thank you SO much for everything, you guys. I love you. Please tell me what you think of this ending to the story, and have a fantastic week/month/year. You all deserve the best. THANK YOU. <3


End file.
